BAd depression

[Aedin]

I'm feeling really depressed and suicidal again. Please pray.

I know it's stupid, and I know I keep saying this. But I just really feel like I mean nothing. It hurts so much.

[Beau Soir]

It's not stupid, man. It's serious. You are important.

I will continue to pray for you... God bless you... Hang in there!

[Aedin]

I want to die so badly. Losing my best friend, and some people on here, who I thought I was friends with, won't talk to me anymore. I have no idea how to heal.

Oh, and another thing. She used to make me feel really special. Like, really special. I don't want to go into details, but it turns out that everything that made me feel special, wasn't true. I don't know if it was a lie or not, but it wasn't true. Helps me feel even more meaningless, and like I'm noone.

[Davidizer13]

I want to die so badly. Losing my best friend, and some people on here, who I thought I was friends with, won't talk to me anymore. I have no idea how to heal.

Dude, just calm down a bit. Take a deep breath. Got it?

Take things a bit slower, all right? I know you're trying to get back in touch with friends and stuff, but don't go overboard with it - stretch it out a bit, so you don't get overwhelmed when people respond all at once. And if they don't respond right away, I'm very, very sure that they have good explanations for it, and none of them will have anything to do with trying to hurt or ignore you. It's still summer, and people are on vacation/away from their computer.

I've been thinking about you a lot; praying a lot too. I still think you need professional, face-to-face help, but whatever happens, if you need to talk, gimme a PM, and I'll send one back as soon as I can. Like I said, whatever happens, I'll be praying.

[Beau Soir]

I want to die so badly. Losing my best friend, and some people on here, who I thought I was friends with, won't talk to me anymore. I have no idea how to heal.

Oh, and another thing. She used to make me feel really special. Like, really special. I don't want to go into details, but it turns out that everything that made me feel special, wasn't true. I don't know if it was a lie or not, but it wasn't true. Helps me feel even more meaningless, and like I'm noone.

Aedin... Your worth is not based on anyone in this world, or what they think of you. If you have accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior and believe in Him, then you have a new identity in Him. This means that you belong to Christ, the Almighty, our Comforter and Protector. "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble" (Psalms 46:1.) He has told us, "Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might" (Ephesians 6:10.)
But, God has even told us that we'll face hard times in this world... there were so many times when the authors of the Bible felt down, too. You are not alone... you are never alone! God is always with you, by your side!

So in those hard times, please remember, God is the ultimate Comforter, and He's got your back if you give your sorrows and cares to Him. "He gives power to the weak. He increases the strength of him who has no might" (Isaiah 40:29.)


I know it's not easy, and results may or may not show up instantly, but it takes effort which will surely result in better self-control.


And these verses as well, I think will benefit you greatly:
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
"I have told you these things, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have oppression; but cheer up! I have overcome the world." (Jesus said in John 16:33)

[Aedin]

It's just, I see some of those people on the site a lot, yet I don't get PMs back from them.

Also, I really don't know what to say. I just feel like my entire my relationship was a lie, like none of it meant anything to her, and I don't know how to deal with that.

I just made this whole big long post, and it didn't post. Dangit.

I can't remember what most of it said. I just feel like nothing to her. I tfeels like the whole relationship was a lie. She trusts everyone besides me. I felt like I was everything to her, like I was so important to her, now I feel like I mean nothing to her, partly because she trusts everyone else more than she trusts me, and apparently I mean so little to her, that when problems come up, she'd rather keep them inside ad let them build up until they make her hate me, rather than actually letting me know so we can talk things through and fix them. I feel like she's been stringing me along until a new guy came. Everything she told me, that made me feel special, wasn't true. I feel so meaningless to her. SHe's spent two weeks pretty much refusing to tell me anything, yet she told my friend a bunch, and told my friend not to tell me anything. So I still don't know what they said. We talked about everything, she knew all my issues, and she made me believe it was ok. She siad she wanted a relationship where we could be open about everything and share everything and be honest about everything. Except having me be like, just makes her want to leave, because she'd rather let issues build up until they make her leave, rather than give me the chance to fix anything or make anything right. I found out two things I did that bothered her. One thing, if I had known from the beginning it bothered her, I would've stopped, given it up, no problem. But she didn't trust me enough to say anything, and then it all built up and now she wants to leave me. The other things I did, she hasn't given me much detail on. All I know is they're basically things like me worrying about her safety, and worrying about her leaving me. She'd tell me things about when she passed out, or almost broke bones and stuff. How am I not supposed to worry about that? When you love someone, you want them to be safe and ok, you don't want them to be hurt. But apparently that's annoying enough to make her want to leave. And when you're in love with someone, and want to marry them, why wouldn't you worry about them leaving you? But I meant so little, or was trusted os little, I wasn't worth being told all these things so I could help fix them before they made her want to leave me. And what's worse, is she worried about the same things. She worried constantly about me finding someone else and leaving her, me getting bored of her leaving her, she'd worry constantly that changing my meds, would change me, or damage me. Yet it's ok whenshe worries about that stuff, but when I worry about that stuff, it's reason enough to leave me. I don't get it. I thought she loved me and wanted to marry me. So why am I the only one that isn't worth talking to, the only onen not worth sharing problems with so we can fix them. I mean so little to her, she holds everything against me, doesn't listen to me or trust me or believe me, and looks for reasons to leave me for another guy. I'm sick of women (relationship wise), I'm sick of relationships, I'm sick of believing God has someone out there for me, because it's just not true. I know I did things wrong, but if I had known about them earlier, I would've fixed them, changed, made things up to her. But apparently I'm not worth forgiveness or discussing things with. She's been stringing me along, and mistreating me, for two weeks now, and has no plans to stop, and she knows exactly how to stop. I don't get how I'm so meaningless, when I seemed to be so important to her. I don't get why all I'm worth is hatred by the peopel who are supposed to love me. I juts really thought she was different. I feel like the whole relationship and friendship was a lie. I just feel so meaningless. I thought she loved me, but she never trusted me or believed me. She never thought I was worth discussing issues with. If she had told me the issues, I would've done my best to show her it's all ok, that she could talk to me, athat we could fix everything, and I'd give up whatever bothered her, and try to change. But in the end I was just worthless. I just don't get how I could seem to mean so much, and suddenly I'm worthless. And most of it isn't my fault, because I didn't get to hear about what was wrong, what I did wrong, or get a chance to apologize and fix things, before they all blew up and made her want to leave.

I just really need prayer. I can't stop thinking about kiloling myself. I just really thought I meant so much to her. I thought she loved me, that everything would be ok. We'd keep telling each other we could make it through anything. And now I can't stop feeling like it all meant nothing to her, because she won't talk to me, it seems like she uses everything I do and say as an excuse to leave me, but she won't stop talking to the other guy, she won't stop talking to him, seeing him, going to parties with him. It's so messed up, and if I had known I had done anything wrong to make this all happen, I would've fixed it all immediately if I had gotten the chance. I don't get why she would prevent us from fixing things, making them better, and then hold it all against me. It hurts so much. She used to tell m ethings, and the only times I would get upset, or freak out, is when she was hurt, emotionally or physically, or when she told me stuff that made it look like she was gonna leave me. She used to minister to me, help me with my spiritual issues. It feels like if I can be so wrong with her, if she can mistreat me so much, and no tcare (she says saorry, but she won't agree to do anything to help fix things or make things wright, meanwhile she uses the fact thta my words don't always reflect my actions, as a reason to not be with me, and holds it against me) if everything I knew with her, can be just so not real, I don't know how I'm gonna trust anyone. I don't know how I'd find another relationship. I honestly don't believe anymore that God has someone out there for me, and I'm just supposed to be alone.

[Atria35]

I'm reposting this because it's so important: HopeLine- 1(800)784-2433 offers confidential help 24/7. It sounds like you need to speak with someone right now- we aren't couselors and aren't trained to help you through times like this. The only thing we can offer is encouragement and hope. Hopefully the people at the HopeLine center can do more for you- they're willing to listen if you make the call.

[Aedin]

Like I said in the other thread, I really just need need friends to talk to, to feel close to, to talk to and do things with.

Please pray God will help me have peace and all. This is literally the worst pain I've been in my whole life. It wouldn't be so bad, except she won't tell me anything. I don't know if she'll stay with me, or leave me. Yes, apparently I did things wrong. But I wasn't given the chance to apologize or make things up or fix things, until it was too late. And now she's using them as reasons to leave me. It hurts that she won't admit that, and won't just start talking to me and start trying to help fix things between us. I did things wrong, but the major problems aren't my fault, but they're being held against me as a reason to leave, and she won't let me fix things.

And it just feels like, if even with all our history, all the thoughts and feeings and faith I thought we had, she can betray me so bad, and hurt me so bad, and continue to not even give me the chance to fix things and make them right, when the major problems aren't even my fault, it's like, how can I trust anyone else? How can I have another relationship?

I know I'm bothering everyone. I just keep thinking about everything, and it just doesn't stop bothering me. I felt so safe with her, so comfortable with her. We had communication issues, it was hard to talk sometimes, but I wanted to work through them, and I thought she did too. I feel like I bother everyone, like everyone's gonna leave. Just really feels like everyone's gonna get sick of me and leave me, so I'm too afraid to talk to new people, which is why I have a bunch of PMs I need to respond to, and haven't posted anywhere besides my threads. I trusted her so much. She was such a huge comfort to me, I thought she'd always be there. Now I know noone's ever gonna really be there, and I just don't want to live life like that, but it feels like I have no choice. I don't even know anymore. I just wish she'd talk t ome, let us try to clear things up, but I'm the only one she's trying to take time and space from. Nothing's changed between her and her other friends, or her and the other guy. I'm sick of putting myself out there and being lied to about how great I am, how much I mean to someone, only to basically be tossed away as soon as another guy comes along. I really thought she wanted to work through everything. I believed her every time she said we could work through anything, that everything was gonna be ok, that she'd never leave me. Now I feel like I've been strung along, and manipulated, for two weeks, to hurt me enough, frustrate me enough, that I give up on her, so she can leave me for someone else, with no guilt.

She's the love of my life. You know how people say they'd die for someone they love? She's the only one I've felt like that about. I hate that I bother so many people, that I make so many people hate me. I'm talking to MidKnight on yahoo, he tells me to talk to someone I trust my life to. Makes me realize I don't have anyone like that anymore. I feel like the love of my life abandoned me two weeks ago for another guy, who isn't Christian, and who she may not have a future with, and I feel like nothing I can do can help. Not just help her come back t ome, but also just help her figure things out. I feel like everything I do or say will just make things worse. People keep saying maybe she's afraid I would leave her if she opened up to me, or she was afraid I was gonna end things and look for someone closer in location to me. Which I could understand, except everytime she told me she worried about that, she'd go on about how stupid she was, and it was, and all sorts of things like that, and I'd try my best to convince her, and show her, that she wasn't stupid for worrying. It showed she cared, and it was sweet. I tried my best to calm all her fears, to show her how much I Loved her, and how she didn't bother me at all. I guess none of it stuck though. I don't know. I can't really say anything cause she's gonna use it as an excuse to leave me, but please pray God will help me heal and cope, and that if there is a girl out there meant for me, that he'll help me find her, whoever she is.

[Okami]

Aedin, I will be extremely honest in saying that I do not know what it is like to be in the place you are now in this relationship. But I do know what it is like to be in that place where no one cares, no one's listening - where nothing anyone says will do any good because even as much as you want to listen to what they have to say, you don't. And so it drives you crazy, and the only option in the world is suicide because you're invisible.

In fact, if I'm being all the more honest, I'm here in this place right now. The problem was, I didn't even see it. Then last night, I was sitting here in the chair I'm in now, reading a Psychology book about disturbing behaviors in today's teenage generation, when I got to a section on suicide. As I read through factual warning signs of a suicidal person, I recognized sixteen out of eighteen of them in me. I had become so desensitized to my own condition that I didn't even know I was living in misery. Guess what? Today is a new day, and I get to redeem those qualities for good within myself.

It is not an easy thing to do. But I believe that hope is real, that redemption is true. It's not easy to pick yourself up out of the rut, it's somewhat close to impossible. And in these times, we need to learn to trust that what Jesus said is what He meant. The Kingdom of Heaven is at hand - we need to be there, encouraging it to move! The only logical way to do this is by seeking community and moving forward. You've taken a step forward by asking help here, but I would encourage you to talk to a professional, a school counselor, a helpline worker, a friend. Get everything out, and don't hold back.

Also, the other night I had broken down before my brother, angrily ranting and screaming and raging. This type of behavior does not typically leave my mind. I screamed at him, telling him quite frankly how I wanted to hurt myself. He took me by the shoulders, calmly stared into my eyes, and said, "Jesus is your only option."

Think about it, my friend. Contemplate that, try to wrap your head around that. We have all these things we could do to hurt ourselves and those around us - - - but as Christians, we need to realize that those things are not available for us to use. Our only option IS Jesus.

Hold on to Him.

This song is what's keeping me strong. I pray it will do the same for you.

[Aedin]

You're right about Jesus being my only option. It's just hard to trust him. I don't want to be alone my whole life, only having him. I know that sounds wrong, and unChristian, but there ya go. I want to have a relationship, someone I can love and trust, close friends who will stick by me and talk to me and do stuff with me. I'm just afraid neither of that can happen.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Aedin, I'll be praying for you.

To everyone else, I'd warn the dangers of any kind of internet therapy. That I'm aware of there is only one doctor on the site and he isn't actually a licensed therapist so I know you guys have good intentions but in these kinds of situations good intentions can go seriously wrong. The topic's been addressed before (And I think it might even be stickied) so I'd just warn a little caution when trying to jump out and help people through counseling in their prayer threads.

[TGJesusfreak]

Aedin, even if all of the bad stuff is through no fault of your own, the action you take will only be your own, remember that. If you commit kill yourself then it wont be anyone elses fault because YOU made that choice for yourself.

And this is just to answer your question Aedin, the reason you seem to not get answers back with your PMs may have something to do with how you approach a friendship. You can't have an instant trusting lifelong friendship Aedin, you just can't (and beleive me I wish I could). And telling brand new friends how much you don't matter and how sad you are doesn't help to build a friendship. Yes you're hurting and can talk about it, but if thats ALL you talk about then you bring others down and make them sad.

The truth of the matter is that if I was telling you how terrible I felt when we're talking then you'd start to get tired of how sad and depressed I was. If all I could talk about was the bad and terrible things in my life, then I'd start to bring you down and probably make you depressed.

It can also make the people who want to be your friends sad. Aedin, I only have around 5 really great friends. That's at the most. It's not how many, but the quality. And telling the people who just want to hang out and talk that you're so sad that you can't make any friends only spits in the face of the friendship that they're providing.

I hope this helps you understand some things Aedin. And as you know none of this is meant to upset or hurt you. I'm just trying to help out bud.

[Okami]

You're right about Jesus being my only option. It's just hard to trust him. I don't want to be alone my whole life, only having him. I know that sounds wrong, and unChristian, but there ya go. I want to have a relationship, someone I can love and trust, close friends who will stick by me and talk to me and do stuff with me. I'm just afraid neither of that can happen.

And I totally get where you're coming from there. I'll again be frankly honest with you and say that I don't trust Jesus, either. The best we can do sometimes, especially in the uncertainty, is attempt to try to trust. My roommate and I have had long conversations on this... "'Isn't that just...'trying to try?'' 'Yes...' 'So you admit you are trying.' '...Yes.'" She's getting good with the whole circular argumentation thing.

The fact is, we weren't meant to be alone. God specifically said that we were not meant to be alone. We were just talking about this in my Old Testament class this morning, on the creation of humans in chapter two of Genesis. Going throughout the Bible, also, we see that community is essential. But there's eventually a line we have to draw where we have to seek out others.

This, in my life, is TERRIFYING. I cannot tell you just how much I hate trying to meet new people and get to know them and be comfortable around them. What did I do? This semester I joined a small group that is working in Missions. Meaning that weekly I'll be going out into the community and serving. I knew some of the people who will be joining me in the group, my accountability partner/roommate, my neighbor, and a floormate being three of the twelve. The others I knew from having class with them previously or didn't know at all, them being Freshmen (Plus our group leader).

When life gives us uncertainties, we've got to grab onto those things and, as much as we may not want to, give it up to Jesus. Ultimately, He does have the best possible outcome in mind for our lives - and we can only do that be giving up our reigns.

That being said, if you want to talk, I'm always open via PM. I may not respond instantaneously, this whole being a Theology/Bible//Psychology/Counseling major thing takes away hours of the day - but I do want you to know that I am available.

[Aedin]

I know you mean well man, but I'm getting so sick of everyone telling me what I do wrong. Noone here knows what was said in the messages I sent to people, who don't respond back to me. Most of those messages, I just asked them about anime and games, I asked them what games they liked, anime they liked, I told them about what games I liked, and what anime I liked. Most of those people, I didn't mention my problems to at all. Yet somehow, when they stop responding to me, it's automatically somehow because "all I talk about is is how sad I am and how I'm hurting" and all that. Noone pays attention when I actually try to talk about other stuff, and when I do try to talk about other stuff, most people just ignore me and don't talk to me. Yet it somehow comes back to being my fault for talking about stuff all the time. My problems are not all I talk about. Yes, I talk about them a lot. God forbid I have a chemical imbalance I'm trying to fix, or the fact that I've dealt with suicidal tendencies for ten years, or that I've gone through of years of abuse from almost every single person I've ever met. God forbid people actually pay attention to the fact that when I try to talk about things besides my problems, most people still shun me and ignore me. God forbid anyone ever thinks about any of that. All anyone ever sees is "he has to talk about things sometimes" and they completely ignore the times I talk about other things. Then they act like I can't ever talk about anything I Need to talk about, which puts a lot of pressure on me, so I totally shut down. But God forbid people actually pay attention to that.

I'm not mad at you, TG, but I've had people say this stuff to me so often, or treat me like it so often, and then they ignore the times they're wrong, and they act like everything's myt fault, and I'm already losing my girlfriend and my best friend, I'm not in the mood to hear more about what a screwup I am, especially when most people ignore the times I'm not a screwup.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

We probably oughta back off about this subject. Let's just get back to the original topic: Praying for you when you're down. Atria gave you the best advice: If you really are feeling close to suicide call the hotline. They can help you. Let's just steer this back on topic.

[Aedin]

Just close it down. Lock it.

Oh, and another thing. Last time I was here, and I PMed a bunch of people, trying to make friends. Someone (I forgot exactly what their name was) thought I might be some kind of weirdo stalker guy, until they read my threads, about my problems, and become more open to talking to me. Unfortunately, it was too late then, I had decided to leave, but I'm gonna PM them back, and I hope someday they respond.

And I just wanted to say, I know noone was trying to hurt me, or insult me, or make me feele bad, or anything. I don't mean for it to seem like I did. I've just metr a lot of people, who have said the things some of you all have said, only they said them in different ways, and they did act like everything was my fault, and like everything I do was wrong. And I grew up in a family where most of the time, everything I did was wrong, or not good enough, or if someone influenced me to do something (say like, I was upset cause someone insulted me) my famiily would only care what I did, and totally ignore what the other person did. So it's kindof a deep wound for me. I just had an emotional build up. All this stuff with my ex isn't helping either.