Thankful for a nightmare

[Ashley]

I awoke at 2:25 am this morning in a cold sweat at tears running down my face. Even my pajamas had been torn as I had twisted around in my bed, witnessing probably the most horrific nightmare I'd ever dreamed. Filthy images of dismembered bodies and their murderers still filled my sight when I closed my eyes, and I curled, trembling, trying to recite scripture to calm myself down. When all the trite verses had been said, my fear was stil there. So I reached for my light, grabbed my glasses and a bible, with the selfish intention of just distracting myself for a while.

I had no idea what God had in store.

What began with a short skimming of verses from a concordance I have (God's promises and answers) lead to an emotional return for this prodigal child. I know many of you did not know, but for months now I have struggled to stay with the Lord. Hardship, frustration, stress and even physical illness has made it harder and harder for me to believe in a "God of All Comfort" when there was no divine comfort. Likewise, I scoffed inwardly at passages like "I will never forsake you". I felt my heart cry out continually "Yeah, well if you promised to never leave, then where are you?". To make a long story short, weeks of frustratingly empty prayers lead to no prayers at all, and meaningless biblical passages lead to my bible sitting beside my bed, sealed closed.

But last night, as I began to read promises about not to give us over to fear...here my eloquence must stop. I can't explain what happened, or describe that feeling. I felt no presence, heard no voice...nothing we might typically think of. But regardless, I felt relieved and was keen enough to recognize the source was God. Regret and anger at my faithless self ran over into prayers for forgiveness, and though I had to sleep with the light on like a child again, at least I could sleep.

Part of me wants to say, "yeah good story, but that feeling won't last". And no, it probably won't. But God commanded us to tell of His good works, remember His love, and obey Him through all times. I don't want to be merely a surface believer and only call on God when I can't sleep. I'd rather go to bed each night and know that yeah, maybe today wasn't how I meant to be, but Christ's not through with me yet.

"I sought the Lord and He heard me, and delivered me from my fears"--Psalm 34:1-4

[uc pseudonym]

I don't know what to say. I'm grateful to Him that the issue is not longer imminently pressing (or imminently put in latency).

For some time I have struggled with how to pray to help you. What can I say to the Lord on such a subject? Who am I to command Him? How can I ask for something that He would have given if it was His will? I could do nothing except surrender and ask for His will to be done.

My cynicism is flaring due to this statement, but I'll say this anyway: perhaps all the prayer on this subject has actually made a difference.

[inkhana]

Oh Ashley...I'm not really sure what to say...but there is this: I'm glad that God has given you this opportunity. Perhaps the feeling won't last..but in the end, is it really "feelings" that matter, since we as humans change from moment to moment and only God is the unvarying constant? If we change so much...then there's something more than mere feelings involved.

It is during the dark, during the draught, when we fall away, and God picks us up again...these are the times when we learn the best, when we reexperience the Holy Spirit in our lives and it brings us to tears when we remember what was missed.

[true_noir_chloe]

Ashley you're being so honest and open. It's hard to do that. To admit that you're not always the spiritual lion of CAA, but sometimes just another one of the sheep. I think that's really admirable.

Your dream, I think, was a literal wake up call. Because God speaks to us and loves us so much, he forced you to go to His Word. Even if it meant it was only there to comfort you back to sleep and away from the nightmares.

I know I'm just some woman here that probably lets you know my opinion and views a little too often, but I want to tell you something. God has done something wonderful here. He's blessed you with this forum and great mods and people who are mature like Rev.doc and others who are still growing, even non-believers questioning who this God of ours really is.

In all this, you have had so much to struggle with and maintain. Is God calling you to Russia? Where are you being called in your life? Is CAA just convenient, is it your mission field? I became a missionary at 17-years-old and I can't say I was the best at it. Guys were still guys. I still had spats with friends. I was a teen-ager. I know this, from experience, that dream was just one time in a myriad of times in your life that God is going to wake you up. Listen to His voice. Get involved in the Word of God by seeking help from older more mature believers whom you know, and grow. Everything you do is growing you into the woman you will be one day - the Christian woman you will be. You will be growing until you see Him face to face. You've had so much at such a young age and that's great. God's hand is definitely upon you.

If you'd like, you can read my "Open Letter" here. It has some comments of how God uses times to speak to you. This is the reason for the Holy Spirit. He communicates Who God is to our hearts and comforts us in our decisions when they are in accordance to His will. There is so much scripture I could give you, but I'll just refer you there since it would be too much to type here.

I'll be praying for you and I know God's will is for your best. (Romans 8:28):)

[EireWolf]

Ashley, thank you for sharing this with all of us. I know it's hard to do, especially when you may feel like people expect you to be the "strong Christian" who never falters... I've been there. I've been in a position where everybody around me thought I was such a faithful, strong Christian, but inside I was being torn apart by my own faithlessness and by God's apparent silence.

I know in my heart of hearts that God always comes through for us... although sometimes it's in a way that seems ludicrous to us shortsighted mortals, and sometimes it's in a way we can't immediately see. I am convinced that, could we but see with God's eyes, we would know that His way is the very best for us.

[Kisa]

Great testimony Ashley, I really respect your honesty and sincerity in sharing what God has done in your life. I know I have gone through very similar things with God pushing the right button to make me listen to him. ^_^

[cbwing0]

I'm glad that God gave you some comfort in this matter. I can't really offer any words of encouragement, as my area of expertise is intellectual challenges to faith, but thankfully there are others with different gifts within the CAA community. I went through a similar thing a few weeks ago. I was simply overcome with despair, loneliness, and anger. Thankfully, I was at a Christian conference at the time, and God spoke to me through one of the speakers (the lead singer for the Newsboys, btw).

[Shao Feng-Li]

wow that's deep ashley. I believe i can can relate to you is some ways.

Likewise, I scoffed inwardly at passages like "I will never forsake you". I felt my heart cry out continually "Yeah, well if you promised to never leave, then where are you?". To make a long story short, weeks of frustratingly empty prayers lead to no prayers at all, and meaningless biblical passages lead to my bible sitting beside my bed, sealed closed.

But i m not willing to say why. Ive had quite the wake up call, no offense but it was likely more intense than yours but the Bible seemed meaningless and my prayers were empty. Im starting to realize how much *this* clay needs God.