Can anyone help my proofread my essay and find out if there is anything I should change?
A biographical statement, including educational background, short term and long term goals, sense of financial planning and community activities. This portion must be in essay of a minimum of 100 words.
Last school year I asked myself what I would do if I could only do one thing with my career. It was my third year in college. I started college as a journalism major at (college), but felt I wanted something more involved in changing things than merely informing people through media. I was also the founding co-vice president of the Interdisciplinary General Education Student Organization that year. Sophomore year I signed up to major in environmental biology. Due to the environmental impact on my and my family’s health, I have a strong appreciation of the need to respond to environmental issues, but could take or leave the biology. I enjoyed being the student senate representative for a business club and working on a North Korean human rights event that year.
I transferred to C College for the next years because the rising fees on 80% of what my dad used to make made (college) hard to afford despite getting a job during my second year. My dad had been laid-off during my freshman year. I spent eight months last year as a youth group counselor and am currently involved in multiple clubs on campus. Because I will need my own medical insurance when I finish my associate degree, I am majoring in Office Management so I can get more job skills. After I graduate next spring, I would like to pay off the debt I have from my first (college) before returning. I will go to school part time to get a bachelors degree in finance then work somewhere where I can save up well for graduate school as this will probably be more expensive than a bachelors degree. I would like to get a PhD. in economics with an emphasis in environmental economics. If I can do one thing with my education and career, I want to influence American businesses to do more long term planning while making a short term profit but also protecting more of our resources and resulting in more long term economic security. I would also like to write a book on this topic.
need help proofreading/editing
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need help proofreading/editing
When I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Asdvadz hedut ullah! (W. Armenian, "May God bless you!")
It's cosplay, get used to it.
"A hero need not speak. For when he is gone, the world will speak for him."
"One of the nice things about diseases of the brain is they tend to slip your mind." Colbert
Asdvadz hedut ullah! (W. Armenian, "May God bless you!")
It's cosplay, get used to it.
"A hero need not speak. For when he is gone, the world will speak for him."
"One of the nice things about diseases of the brain is they tend to slip your mind." Colbert
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Jaltus-bot - Posts: 1822
- Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2004 4:00 am
- Location: Almost there.
The big three things that jumped out at me immediately on reading this are:
Yes, this essay is about you, so you will have to use "I" during the course of the essay. However, using "I" too frequently to start your sentences not only makes the flow of the text become repetitive (and thus boring enough to be tossed to the bottom of the pile for later review, if the reviewer feels up to it) but it also makes it seem (subconsciously) like you are all about you and nothing else.
Passive voice paired with making compromises before the person even mentally thinks "yes" or "no" in response to your essay gives a sense of being wishy-washy and indecisive. You want to come across as dedicated, goal-oriented and decisive in your essay.
College is an adapt-as-you-go affair, and most funding sources understand that the average student changes their major during the course of their studies. However, this makes it sound like you jumped haphazardly from one focus and activity to the next. Organize it so that your education focus is first and your activities are second. For example, something along the lines of:
Last year, I made a decision about my career - I need to be involved in environmental work. I had originally targeted this goal during my first year in college as a journalism major, but I realized that I am motivated to work in the field beyond simply writing about it. (Etc, etc, etc.) Sum up your educational background this way.
Tie in your activities by starting a new paragraph about them with a tied leading line, such as:
In keeping with the direction of my studies, I also participated in several organizations and community activities. [Note the key words "community activities" here]As a Freshman I was the founding Co-Vice President of the Interdisciplinary General Education Student Organization, and as a Sophomore I was the Student Senate Representative for [Name of Business Club Here - don't just say "a business club"] and was an active member of a North Korean human rights event. Continue to sum up your educational/community service related activities in this manner.
Unless there is a very specific reason (such as if the scholarship is aimed only at low-income students and you/your family was not previously listed on financial aid records as low-income) there is no reason why the screeners need to know about the reasons for your transfer between colleges (some students transfer for reasons other than financial reasons, and nine times out of ten it is no one's business why) or your family's financial problems. If they do need to know (for aforementioned low-income reasons) you could sum it up simply with one line, such as Even though I didn't previously qualify for low-income assistance, my family has since come into financial hardship and my job is not able to make up the difference.
This section is also where you become waffly. Planning financially for the future absolutely is a daunting task - it has become even more so due to your family's change in economic comfort level. From someone who has two Associate's Degrees and a Certification and has attended two different schools with plans to continue on despite financial hardship (including the bankruptcy my husband and I filed last summer) your plans in this paragraph sound more like something you put together as an "iffy" just for the sake of the essay. Let them know through your essay that you understand the difficult financial situation that you're in, but that you do have a definite plan. For example:
As an independent person, I fully expect that the costs of living, including health insurance and further education, rest directly on my shoulders. I am currently an Office Management major] I would strike the section about expecting to pay off your current college debt before returning; it is understood as a matter-of-fact among graduate students and lenders that most students will take upwards of ten years to pay off their student loans. Graduate school absolutely will be more expensive than a Bachelor's Degree - using language such as "I will go to school part time to get a bachelors degree in finance then work somewhere where I can save up well for graduate school as this will probably be more expensive than a bachelors degree" only tells the reviewer that you have not seriously looked at the cost of graduate school or have realistic expectations of how much it is going to cost and how long it is going to take. Graduate school is where college debt piles up fast - it's like the saying goes: 'Doctors charge as much as they do because those wages are paying off their college debt'.
Then sum up your long-term goals in a cohesive, definitive paragraph. The last several lines of yours are choppy and suggest that you "tacked on" ideas as you went. An example of better combining your ideas for a book and your solid career goals would run such as:
[i]A PhD in Environmental Economics will fully round out my career strengths and my passion for environmental work. The educational background that the degree provides will help me influence American businesses to do more to protect our resources through long term planning while still making a short term profit. This leads to long term economic security for the businesses, and the experience and education I gain from it will allow me to bring the issue to more diverse audiences through books and articles.
I'm still trying to figure out myself how a Bachelor's Degree in Finance ties in except loosely with a PhD in Environmental Economics, so a scholarship reviewer may be likewise confused. If you meant "Economics" instead of "Finance", it's important to say that, so the direct tie can be easily seen.
Remember, the people who assign scholarship money know that they have a limited amount of funds to give to a limited number of people out of a pool of thousands who would like to have the money. They're going to be looking for candidates who sound promising, goal-oriented and strong enough to toe the line - they hate handing out money to someone only to see the person later become disillusioned and drop out of school.
Oh, and even though it doesn't need to be said, I'll say it for the sake of anyone else reading this - don't simply copy my text over as a cut-and-paste. The examples I gave were just that - examples. Having someone else write your essays is NEVER a good idea, and should anyone who reads the essay ask for either an interview or a second essay, they will notice the difference in language between the "real thing" and what they saw on paper. Also, don't go overboard with a thesaurus in search of Scrabble-quality words that "look good" for the same reasons. The language of your essay should reflect you, but having it polished up for organization, grammar, spelling, etc is not a problem.
- An overbearing use of "I" to start sentences
- Grammar that slips toward passive voice
- Selling yourself short by compromising before a decision can even be made
Yes, this essay is about you, so you will have to use "I" during the course of the essay. However, using "I" too frequently to start your sentences not only makes the flow of the text become repetitive (and thus boring enough to be tossed to the bottom of the pile for later review, if the reviewer feels up to it) but it also makes it seem (subconsciously) like you are all about you and nothing else.
Passive voice paired with making compromises before the person even mentally thinks "yes" or "no" in response to your essay gives a sense of being wishy-washy and indecisive. You want to come across as dedicated, goal-oriented and decisive in your essay.
Jaltus-bot wrote:Last school year I asked myself what I would do if I could only do one thing with my career. It was my third year in college. I started college as a journalism major at (college), but felt I wanted something more involved in changing things than merely informing people through media. I was also the founding co-vice president of the Interdisciplinary General Education Student Organization that year. Sophomore year I signed up to major in environmental biology. Due to the environmental impact on my and my family’s health, I have a strong appreciation of the need to respond to environmental issues, but could take or leave the biology. I enjoyed being the student senate representative for a business club and working on a North Korean human rights event that year.
College is an adapt-as-you-go affair, and most funding sources understand that the average student changes their major during the course of their studies. However, this makes it sound like you jumped haphazardly from one focus and activity to the next. Organize it so that your education focus is first and your activities are second. For example, something along the lines of:
Last year, I made a decision about my career - I need to be involved in environmental work. I had originally targeted this goal during my first year in college as a journalism major, but I realized that I am motivated to work in the field beyond simply writing about it. (Etc, etc, etc.) Sum up your educational background this way.
Tie in your activities by starting a new paragraph about them with a tied leading line, such as:
In keeping with the direction of my studies, I also participated in several organizations and community activities. [Note the key words "community activities" here]As a Freshman I was the founding Co-Vice President of the Interdisciplinary General Education Student Organization, and as a Sophomore I was the Student Senate Representative for [Name of Business Club Here - don't just say "a business club"] and was an active member of a North Korean human rights event. Continue to sum up your educational/community service related activities in this manner.
Jaltus-bot wrote:I transferred to C College for the next years because the rising fees on 80% of what my dad used to make made (college) hard to afford despite getting a job during my second year. My dad had been laid-off during my freshman year. I spent eight months last year as a youth group counselor and am currently involved in multiple clubs on campus. Because I will need my own medical insurance when I finish my associate degree, I am majoring in Office Management so I can get more job skills. After I graduate next spring, I would like to pay off the debt I have from my first (college) before returning. I will go to school part time to get a bachelors degree in finance then work somewhere where I can save up well for graduate school as this will probably be more expensive than a bachelors degree. I would like to get a PhD. in economics with an emphasis in environmental economics. If I can do one thing with my education and career, I want to influence American businesses to do more long term planning while making a short term profit but also protecting more of our resources and resulting in more long term economic security. I would also like to write a book on this topic.
Unless there is a very specific reason (such as if the scholarship is aimed only at low-income students and you/your family was not previously listed on financial aid records as low-income) there is no reason why the screeners need to know about the reasons for your transfer between colleges (some students transfer for reasons other than financial reasons, and nine times out of ten it is no one's business why) or your family's financial problems. If they do need to know (for aforementioned low-income reasons) you could sum it up simply with one line, such as Even though I didn't previously qualify for low-income assistance, my family has since come into financial hardship and my job is not able to make up the difference.
This section is also where you become waffly. Planning financially for the future absolutely is a daunting task - it has become even more so due to your family's change in economic comfort level. From someone who has two Associate's Degrees and a Certification and has attended two different schools with plans to continue on despite financial hardship (including the bankruptcy my husband and I filed last summer) your plans in this paragraph sound more like something you put together as an "iffy" just for the sake of the essay. Let them know through your essay that you understand the difficult financial situation that you're in, but that you do have a definite plan. For example:
As an independent person, I fully expect that the costs of living, including health insurance and further education, rest directly on my shoulders. I am currently an Office Management major] I would strike the section about expecting to pay off your current college debt before returning; it is understood as a matter-of-fact among graduate students and lenders that most students will take upwards of ten years to pay off their student loans. Graduate school absolutely will be more expensive than a Bachelor's Degree - using language such as "I will go to school part time to get a bachelors degree in finance then work somewhere where I can save up well for graduate school as this will probably be more expensive than a bachelors degree" only tells the reviewer that you have not seriously looked at the cost of graduate school or have realistic expectations of how much it is going to cost and how long it is going to take. Graduate school is where college debt piles up fast - it's like the saying goes: 'Doctors charge as much as they do because those wages are paying off their college debt'.
Then sum up your long-term goals in a cohesive, definitive paragraph. The last several lines of yours are choppy and suggest that you "tacked on" ideas as you went. An example of better combining your ideas for a book and your solid career goals would run such as:
[i]A PhD in Environmental Economics will fully round out my career strengths and my passion for environmental work. The educational background that the degree provides will help me influence American businesses to do more to protect our resources through long term planning while still making a short term profit. This leads to long term economic security for the businesses, and the experience and education I gain from it will allow me to bring the issue to more diverse audiences through books and articles.
I'm still trying to figure out myself how a Bachelor's Degree in Finance ties in except loosely with a PhD in Environmental Economics, so a scholarship reviewer may be likewise confused. If you meant "Economics" instead of "Finance", it's important to say that, so the direct tie can be easily seen.
Remember, the people who assign scholarship money know that they have a limited amount of funds to give to a limited number of people out of a pool of thousands who would like to have the money. They're going to be looking for candidates who sound promising, goal-oriented and strong enough to toe the line - they hate handing out money to someone only to see the person later become disillusioned and drop out of school.
Oh, and even though it doesn't need to be said, I'll say it for the sake of anyone else reading this - don't simply copy my text over as a cut-and-paste. The examples I gave were just that - examples. Having someone else write your essays is NEVER a good idea, and should anyone who reads the essay ask for either an interview or a second essay, they will notice the difference in language between the "real thing" and what they saw on paper. Also, don't go overboard with a thesaurus in search of Scrabble-quality words that "look good" for the same reasons. The language of your essay should reflect you, but having it polished up for organization, grammar, spelling, etc is not a problem.
Toto, I don't think we're in Oz anymore...
I'm a woman - when I'm lost, I ask for directions.
Genjyo Sanzo: Banishing Stupidity, One Idiot at a Time
I'm a woman - when I'm lost, I ask for directions.
Genjyo Sanzo: Banishing Stupidity, One Idiot at a Time
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Lady Macbeth - Posts: 248
- Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2005 9:36 pm
- Location: Wisconsin, USA
Thank you so much.
When I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Asdvadz hedut ullah! (W. Armenian, "May God bless you!")
It's cosplay, get used to it.
"A hero need not speak. For when he is gone, the world will speak for him."
"One of the nice things about diseases of the brain is they tend to slip your mind." Colbert
Asdvadz hedut ullah! (W. Armenian, "May God bless you!")
It's cosplay, get used to it.
"A hero need not speak. For when he is gone, the world will speak for him."
"One of the nice things about diseases of the brain is they tend to slip your mind." Colbert
-
Jaltus-bot - Posts: 1822
- Joined: Mon Jun 14, 2004 4:00 am
- Location: Almost there.
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