[font=comic sans ms]Chapter Five
"Enough of this now Kai! Why did you bring home these communists?â€
Jesus Freakes: Year 2603
82 posts •
Page 2 of 3 •
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
Very good, Rach! ^_^V
My tip: Could you - if its not too much trouble - Put double spaces between the paragraph's so its a little easier to read? I keep missing sutff cuz I'll skip a line or something. ^^;;;
My tip: Could you - if its not too much trouble - Put double spaces between the paragraph's so its a little easier to read? I keep missing sutff cuz I'll skip a line or something. ^^;;;
-
CobaltAngel - Posts: 1950
- Joined: Sun Sep 07, 2003 7:44 pm
You're improving. To offer my humble suggestion, I believe you should work on the plot and fleshing out the characters. Keep in mind that I say this with all respect, and I like your work, but until chap. 5, you really hadn't told us much about who Kai and friends are. You've painted them in broad strokes, and I'd like a little detail. 
All in all, good work and you show potential. Keep at it, and I might start to feel faint again.
All in all, good work and you show potential. Keep at it, and I might start to feel faint again.
The Forsworn War of 34
†â€
†â€
-
Icarus - Posts: 1477
- Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: 34
I would totally agree with Icarus. Good job, Ruroken.^-^
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
-
true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
Now that I'll be storyboarding this, I figured I should at least check out the original thread. While I was here, I snagged chapters five and six, as they aren't on the website. You'll get my comments when you see my storyboarding.
-
uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
Chapter Seven
Raphael Kaiza worked his way through the crowded streets and side walks. The tall metal skyscrapers of San Francisco loomed high overhead. No one knew his secrets, for on was covered by a trench coat, and the other, well no sane person would go shouting about it, not this day in age. All he got were strange looks from women because of his fine features. Raphael paid them no heed. He was on a mission for God, for his wife, and for everyone else who dwelled in the underground city of San Francisco. Even in the heart of the government, was he the safest. No killing was allowed in the city itself. But none cared what happened just outside. The worst anyone could do to Raphael was slam him to no end.
The Christian didn’t see the long metal pole a man carried on his shoulder. He was struck in the head and sent to the ground. He sat up and shook his head as people passed him by.
“These cretins! Gah!â€
Raphael Kaiza worked his way through the crowded streets and side walks. The tall metal skyscrapers of San Francisco loomed high overhead. No one knew his secrets, for on was covered by a trench coat, and the other, well no sane person would go shouting about it, not this day in age. All he got were strange looks from women because of his fine features. Raphael paid them no heed. He was on a mission for God, for his wife, and for everyone else who dwelled in the underground city of San Francisco. Even in the heart of the government, was he the safest. No killing was allowed in the city itself. But none cared what happened just outside. The worst anyone could do to Raphael was slam him to no end.
The Christian didn’t see the long metal pole a man carried on his shoulder. He was struck in the head and sent to the ground. He sat up and shook his head as people passed him by.
“These cretins! Gah!â€
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
(hyper) Goody goody gumdrops!! More of the story! 
Sorry, I'll try to control myself. Good updates.
About this being in Cali, while I thought it to be Japan. Oh, look. A brick wall
Love the story, Ruroken.
Sorry, I'll try to control myself. Good updates.
About this being in Cali, while I thought it to be Japan. Oh, look. A brick wall
Love the story, Ruroken.
The Forsworn War of 34
†â€
†â€
-
Icarus - Posts: 1477
- Joined: Sun Nov 09, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: 34
lol. i guess it does seem a lil jpanish, like thew mat flooring. but where the heck would they get linolium or carpeting? lol
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
[font=verdana][font=franklin gothic medium]Chapter Eight
20-year-old Raphael Kaiza ran through the streets, brown hair flailing behind him; behind that was five angry men.
“Oh why won’t they leave me alone?â€
20-year-old Raphael Kaiza ran through the streets, brown hair flailing behind him; behind that was five angry men.
“Oh why won’t they leave me alone?â€
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
its just what happened to Raphael as sort of a ounishment when he was younger, er when he was about 20 or so. the bad guys just named it the arch angel project, but it really was a big deal a few years back
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
i want to tell you all i lil something about the Energy Blades.
It's simple sword with an electic circut oin the grip. usually the sting is only in the cutting edge. An attachment simply called a guard can be added that can lower or raise the shock. Also the guard can conduct the electricity itself, but then it has a reletivly mild shock and is use as a stun weapon. Understand? for a better picture see my very first ppic of KAi Shao in my art thread.
It's simple sword with an electic circut oin the grip. usually the sting is only in the cutting edge. An attachment simply called a guard can be added that can lower or raise the shock. Also the guard can conduct the electricity itself, but then it has a reletivly mild shock and is use as a stun weapon. Understand? for a better picture see my very first ppic of KAi Shao in my art thread.
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
I have the rough storyboard of five and a half chapters done. Just to tell you. Normally I'd finish the rough storyboarding first, but I could finish issue 1 quickly if necessary (that is, the artist is ready to draw it).
-
uc pseudonym - Posts: 15506
- Joined: Tue Jun 10, 2003 4:00 am
- Location: Tanzania
Jesus Freaks: Year 2604
Chapter One
“… So the spores enter through the open wound, journey through the bloodstream, and then grow… Any questions?â€
Chapter One
“… So the spores enter through the open wound, journey through the bloodstream, and then grow… Any questions?â€
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
Can't wait for the rest. You're an awesome writter, Rachael o.o
Hmmm... is this stuff about James forshadowing, I wonder?
Hmmm... is this stuff about James forshadowing, I wonder?
-
CobaltAngel - Posts: 1950
- Joined: Sun Sep 07, 2003 7:44 pm
Al righty heres the rest of that chapter!!!
Joseph Morecraft crept through the village, constantly aware of his surroundings, the tree and dispatched agent behind him, building to the left and right and before him.
“The GGs,â€
Joseph Morecraft crept through the village, constantly aware of his surroundings, the tree and dispatched agent behind him, building to the left and right and before him.
“The GGs,â€
-
Shao Feng-Li - Posts: 5187
- Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Idaho
82 posts •
Page 2 of 3 •
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 115 guests