i dreamt that...well...at first i dreamt that i was like...a secret agent...lol i know...really lame...anyway...i was in that dream...then i dreamt i was at a friend's house. then i got upset with someone...so i went out side. then someone started looking at the sky...like on Azumanga Daioh Episode...either 8 or 9...anyway...i went out side and looked up...only to see missiles coming at the street...so i start running and the missile blows up. i'm being burned to death and all the while while i'm getting burned i keep saying, "Lord please...take me out of this...make the pain stop...please...hurry...it hurts Lord." and then everything goes completely white. the next thing i see is a room...it sorta looks like a room at what use to be (i don't even know if it's still around) the kid's discovery zone...and everyone that i knew when i was still alive was in the room with me...even my best friend, natasha(who's left God). anyway...i'm in there...and my friend Brian starts asking questions and i tell him, "why are you asking? we already know!" and he says, "christin, we're not in heaven yet...we're just in the waiting room (judgement room...but i didn't know that...i thought the room with the gate blocking it was the judgement room)" so i sit down...and start to remember my past...of what i did...so i run to my mom...bring her to the other side of the room so i could talk to her alone and tell her of what i had done. well...i start to...but then natasha comes at me just b4 i could tell my mom and she says, "you know what christin?...i stopped believing bcuz of the way you lived...bcuz of who you were...i didn't like what i saw...now look what you've done." and just as she was done those gates opened...and my mom was already passed them...dancing and sing with joy...she was in heaven...and i was left in that room...and i wasn't able to go in...so...i started shouting of the things i had done in hope that she would hear me and i would be able to go with her...i wasn't able to...i was left in that room...
that's when i woke up...i was crying so hard...i ran to my mother's room(she was just about to fall asleep when i came in there) i pulled her out of bed and brought her in the den...i told her of the dream...she then asked me, "what was it that you were going to tell me?" i told her...i told her that i did what i had tried to lie about...she told me, "you don't think i didn't already know? i'm not stupid...ever since then i've just been praying for you...that the Lord would take it away..." after that we just hugged for a long time...after that...i told her of how it almost killed me...i showed her my wrists...she told me, "you think you're the only one that's done that?" that's when she showed me her scars...i never knew how alike me and my mom really are...
so now i can finally say it...
I'M FREE!