a story or novel not sure which heh

Postby **Photosoph** » Sun May 29, 2005 8:52 pm

Hey, this is getting even more interesting! *waves a little flag happily* Sheesh, I'm really looking forward to more. That 'no, Hitori, you're not.' - 'You are very special, in a minute you shall see how much so.' has made me intrigued. ^_^ Great writing!

Postby **oro!** » Mon May 30, 2005 8:59 am

The suspense is killing me! What is he, a werewolf, or something? Photosoph was right when he said it would make a good manga. You'd have me racing from one page to the next ot find out. Thanks for telling me you had written more! I'm going to look in the art corner.

Postby **girlninja** » Wed Jun 01, 2005 8:04 pm

Thanks guys as always i'm dong th manga work for it right now and i'm revamping the first couple pages i posted ^^

***

"Surveillance, report."

"There about to start, boss."

"What?! So soon!"

"Yes, sir they're going fast on this one."

"Tch. Alright let's move fast, get in there and get out, Agents 5 you cover with Angel Wings, roger?"

"Roger that big boss man! Woooheee!"

"Agent 5.."

"Yes?"

"Shut up and get moving."

"Right...out."

***

Hitokiri felt her nails gently probe around his shirt then swiftly rip it off. "Cmon Lady what are you doing?"

"Well you see my dear, " she paused chuckling, "Your what we would call a Okami."

"Okami?? A wolf? You have got to be kidding..now I know your crazy!" He shook his head.

"Am I?" she whispered close to his ear, "You tell me you never felt the Wolf's Spirits beat?"

He paused, "What are you talking about, i don't know what your talking about. I want out!" he began to struggle.

"Well you see, Hitori," she touched around his wound, now veins snake-like, "The process has begun."

He felt a small needle on his arm, "Sedate him and let's begun the transforation, stage 3."

"Yes maam."

"What? NO!"

The man that had brought him to this place, now squatted before him, smiling ruefully, "IT's not like you have much choice...besides, you'll enjoy it, we're doing you a favor." He ruffled his hair.

"Lunat-" Hitori began but a loud crash came behind him. Hitori's eyes started to swim as shouts and cries of alarm rose before him. All were like a blur as he passed out into a sedated slumber.

Postby **Photosoph** » Thu Jun 02, 2005 2:20 pm

"Roger that big boss man! Woooheee!"

"Agent 5.."

"Yes?"

"Shut up and get moving."

I loved that dialogue. It's always good when the dialogue isn't just 'Yes sir' 'No sir' 'Three catridges of ammo full sir'. Makes it far more interesting to read the way you've done it. Well done; I'm getting more and more interested in the story.

Postby **girlninja** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 6:31 pm

ooc; *Smile thankyou ^^ heh i love playing with dialoue i have noticed that about myself alot ^^

"So.." the smell of cigarrette smoke lingered to his nostrils.

"wHat do we do with him, boss?" Another puff.

"We keep him under watch.."

"BUt boss, what if his Spirit awakens?"

"Shuddawp" A resounding slap vibrated off the walls, echoing. Am i in a room? where am I?

"Ouch..ok ok sorry sorry!"

"Give him another dose and then we'll move him." A small pinprick and again into the swirling darkness.

Postby **oro!** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 10:47 pm

Yeah, it seems that your story revolves around dialouge. That's a nice style. I always get caught up in the details....then the story gets lost while i'm getting a picture in my mind perfect. With this you can get a faster pace. That's good and keeps your readers watning for more!

Postby **Photosoph** » Sat Jun 04, 2005 5:15 pm

I agree with Orogirl; mocing the story along with dialogue is a really good way to go. The only thing was that the 'Am I in a room? Where am I?' seems like it should stand out a little more... maybe if you put it on a new line and italicised it?

This one gets two thumbs up. ^_^ (Since I usually only give the one

)

Postby **girlninja** » Mon Jun 13, 2005 3:37 am

as always guys thanks for the support ^_^

***

Hitori opened his eyes, for a moment blinded by light. He lay strapped to a table. "hey," he called, his voice barely reaching above a whisper. He struggled against the restraints, "let me go." Again his voice failed him.

"Ah," a blonde man appeared over his head, blocking the overhead light. "Our little boy is awake."

Hitori glared, "i'm not little and let me outta here!" He tried to scream as loud as he could.

The man chuckled, he looked young, probably nineteen. He wore a heavy beige jacket and some jeans from the look of it. A cowboy hat would have went perfect with the ensemble. "Now, now, no need to get upset. This is for your protection you know."

"Jesse," another man, this voice much louder, "Leave the kid alone, and help me out over here while he wakes up."

Jesse left, whining, "But boss!" The response was a slap. "Hey! That hurt!"

Postby **Photosoph** » Mon Jun 13, 2005 5:16 pm

\(^o^)/ Thank you for writing more! It was very enjoyable. ^__^ <-extra big smile. :grin:

Postby **girlninja** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 1:38 am

Hitokiri laid there, his mind swhirling. Wake up, he thought. He struggled once more against the restraints, "Let me go!" His voice grew powerful, ringing out through the open room.

"Pipe down!" came the "Boss"'s voice.

"Let me go and i might!" He yelled back.

"Alright Alright, kid, chill out." Jesse responded, unlocking the straps. "It was for your protection, anyways." He smiled, as Hitokiri slid of the table. Stumbling back.

The "Boss", who was wearing a loose collared shirt, his head shaven and a gun strapped to his hip, waved him off. "Relax, we're not going to do anything."

Hitokiri glared. "What the heck is going on?"

Jesse looked uneasy, "Boss should we knock him out again." He looked at Hitokiri, "no offense, but if She finds out.."

"Eh forget about her," Boss waved him off as well, taking a swig from a soda can.

He peered at Hitokiri, "Kid, have you ever heard of the Okami?"

Hitokiri looked at him, "IF i had, do you think i would be asking what was going on?"

Boss smiled, "Point made. Well you see, " he set down his can, "Okami is what are organization is. We hunt down those with strong wolf spirit's and try and help them against Kaze."

Hitokiri just stared at him, "Ok i'm outta here, your one of those who thinks aliens are coming and the world is doomed. Yadda yadda." He made his way for the door, but a large and rather unfriendly looking man, about 6' 2" and looked as if he weighed 200 pounds with equal amount of muscle, suddenly appeared and grabbed his shoulder, "I think you need to sit, lad." Scottish accent by the sound of it.

Hitokiri gulped, "Friendly treatment you have here," he muttered and sat down in the chair next to Boss. Boss smiled slightly at the large man, "thankyou Tank."

Tank nodded and returned to his post.

Boss leaned forward, "now listen and then you decide what you want, deal?"

Hitokiri folded his arms, "Deal now let's hear it."

Postby **girlninja** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 1:43 am

heh if you know anyone that might enjoy this story please let them know ^^ although this is definelty more of a fun, manga style piece i still woud like to know what others thought so i could get better ^^

BUt you two are my number one fans ! ^_^ *gives each person a rose and candy ^_^

Postby **oro!** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 10:13 am

Awww...thanks girlninja! *eats rose and candy* Mm-mm good! I'll look aroun' for some others. Maybe Heart of Sword would like it? I'll see.
Okay, one thing: is he Hitori or Hitokiri? Your last post you kept on calling him hitokiri. That doesn't seem right...
Also, um, could you perhaps have him say something else than "don't have much of a choice" ? unless that's his catchphrase or something.
Keep up the good work!

Postby **Photosoph** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 4:14 pm

Hmm... maybe CA would be interested... I'll PM her and invite her to the thread. ^_^
*eats rose and hugs candy before realising her mistake*

Postby **girlninja** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 6:51 pm

LOL yea i changed it ^_^ well that's awesome...^^ hmmm think i should post my novel too?? ^^

I have one that i have almost completely finished besides typos and such but i'm getting it copyrighted then sent to publishers ^^

Postby **CreatureArt** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 7:46 pm

*waves* Hey there. Soph sent me a royal invite to this thread, so I've read the story and I'm really into it so far. I'll be looking forward to seeing more

.

Postby **girlninja** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 4:00 am

^_^

Boss sat back, pondering his words for a moment, stroking his chin absentmindely. "Has there ever been a time Hitori that you don't remember? Perhaps your sleeping alot?"

Hitori shrugged, "What does that have to do with anything?"

Boss smirked, "Have you ever dreamt? I don't mean your normal dreams, but dreams you could have sworn were real?"

Hitori nodded slowly, "So..."

He stood, motioning for Hitori to follow. Hitori hesistated but rose as well.

Boss lead him towards the back of the room, a large green hologram brightened the room. He pushed a button and it expanded, "You see...you are a unique race, who harness the Wolf Spirit."

"You said that once before...Wolf Spirit, what is that?"

"Well your not a werewolf if that's what your thinking. As far as are researchers can tell, those who harness this power have many characteristics of wolves, can harness special powers. for some reason can even turn into one, supposedly." Boss gave a shrug, "But that's only a theory."

"Ok so why do you want me...why does anyone want me for that matter?"

Boss smiled, "Well you see...you have powers...great powers and if Kaze were to harness those...well they gain that power."

"So your telling me this is standard, take over the world type thing?" Hitori folded his arms, "How boring!"

Boss laughed, "Oh it's much more then that boy, but for now this is enough."

He looked at him, earnestly now, "we need to protect others with your same powers...so what do you say? Will you help us?"

Hitori sat down, unwilling to answer.

Postby **CreatureArt** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 12:53 pm

Oooo interesting. I'm still enjoying this

.

I like Hitori's "how boring!" :lol:

Postby **Photosoph** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 2:41 pm

Yeah, lol! Whootage! CA came! \(^o^)
That's cool... the wolf spirit thing sounds interesting. Oh, and whenever I say 'interesting', I mean that it interests me into wanting to read more. I'm not trying to say 'it's...' *pause* '...interesting.' :lol:

Postby **girlninja** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 5:34 am

Hitori looked up to the earnest of the man's eyes. He pondered, clutching his head within his hands.

"The Kaze," he started slowly, "have tried to kill me, they have wreaked my home, taken me captive," he built steam, "bloody tried to experiment on me and most of all... KILLED MY DOG!" Hitori looked up and smirked, "Your darn right i'm in!"

The boss grinned, "Excellent!" Jesse let out a whoop and even the big scottish lumberjack smiled.

"So what's my first mission? Am I like an agent now?" Hitori's eyes gleamed.

The Boss smiled, about to answer.

"You are nothing, you little runt." A lady with red hair, shoulder length and gleaming, called from the cat walk. She appeared about the age of 17 but even the "Boss" stood, bowing his head slightly.

"Who's she?!" Hitori glared, the comment stung a little.

"SHhh. Hold your tongue, boy, shes what we would call the Alpha Female." Boss shifted his stance only to shift back once more. Was he nervous? Hitori shook his head.

The girl wore twin guns to her belt. They looked different, almost futuristic. She noticed him looking at them, pulled one out and shot one over his right shoulder, "yea and i can use them too, boy."

Hitori gulped. THe lady wore tight fitting jeans and a black turtleneck with long sleeves. Her boots clanged against the metal of the catwalk.

She ignored Hitori for a moment and eyed "Boss", "I'm assuming that he has been informed of the situation."

"Yes maam," "Boss" said quietly.

"Good and his decision?" SHe didn't even look at Hitori. Who does she think she is? Hitori glared.

"He has agreed to help us," Boss gave a small smile.

"Good." She smiled coldly, "not that he would have liked the alternative." She eyed them, "Stop goofing around and get back to work! The Kaze are working harder then we are and they'll destroy us all so move!"

"YES MAAM!" resounded the three.

She eyed HItori once more and walked out of the door.

Hitori shivered, "She's a good guy right?"

Boss laughed, "Her bark is sometimes worse then her bite so don't let her scare you too much...though trust me her bite hurts just as much."

"Great," Hitori muttered and slumped into the chair.

Postby **Photosoph** » Sun Jun 19, 2005 3:08 pm

Very cool -I love "Alpha-female"! :grin:

I did notice a few sentences where you started with two capitals, but those are minor. All the rest is great.

I also love your speech -the way you capture personality and colloquialism.

Postby **girlninja** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:42 pm

Also just so you know guys i'm writing a Rurouni kenshin fanfic *autumn dreams* and it shows a little better of my writing skills if you wish to read it ^^ just so you know it's a bit more serious of a writing piece then this but it will have its humorous moments ^^

Postby **CreatureArt** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 10:11 pm

Very cool. \

I'm really enjoying it so that's why I'm going to say - more, more!

Postby **oro!** » Sat Jun 25, 2005 8:32 am

Cool entrance for he girl! You know no one messes with her! We'll like to see where this goes! I liek exclamations! :lol:

Postby **girlninja** » Sat Jun 25, 2005 11:24 am

^_^ awww thankyou all ^^ sorry i haven't written had a death in the family *smile but praise be given to God anyways here's some more ^^

***

Boss chuckled and ruffled his hair, "You'll get used to her. Alright let's introduce you to the team."

He pointed to the Scot and Jesse, "Them you've met. Jesse is our Intelligence Officer, and Gene over there is our Mover."

"Mover?" Hitori didn't like the sound of that.

"He is someone that pinpoints those with a wolf spirit and is in charge of transport and protection."

The metal clang of the doors announced another arrival.

"Ah yes," Boss turned towards the catwalk as two people made their way down, "Mikal and Aheem."

Boss pointed to the girl, about Hitori's age perhaps older. She was dressed in a Japanese schoolgirl's outfit. Her black hair was pulled into a bun and her brown eyes flashed brilliantly, "This is Mikal. She too has your special gifts."

She smiled, "I dare say that i'm better at them then this child."

Hitori reddened and stood, crossing his arms, "I am not a child!" He glared. She only laughed, "Sure whatever you say, baby."

Hitori was about to say something but Boss raised a hand, and this is Aheem. The boy before him seemed no more then ten. Middle eastern looking, he wore a dark black suit.

"Aheem is our hand to hand combat trainer."

"What?" Hitori burst out laughing, "He is no more then a boy!" He placed his hand on Aheem's shoulder.

"Oof." Two seconds later found himself looking up at the boy, his eyes twinkling, "Think not less of me because i am young, Hitori." He smiled and helped him up.

"R-R-right." Hitori stammered, his face red.

"HAH!" Mikal laughed above on the catwalk.

"I'd like to see you try you bimbo!" Hitori glared.

Boss sighed, "Enough you two. Hitori, follow Jesse to the Intelligence room. You need to be debriefed on your new living quarters and assignment. Not to mention training." Boss ran a hand through his hair, "We have a lot of work to do."

Postby **Photosoph** » Sat Jun 25, 2005 3:45 pm

Lol -a kid fighter trainer! :grin:

That's a cool idea.

I'm sorry to hear you've had a death in the family. How are you taking it? Are you okay? I can pray for you, if you like. I hope you're okay.

Postby **girlninja** » Sun Jun 26, 2005 4:20 am

Hitori gave one last glare to Mikal and nodded to Aheem. This was definetly not your normal group of kids.

He stopped, "Wait..living quarters. Where am i living?"

Boss looked at him, "Well here of course. You can't honestly expect to go on living at your house can you?"

Hitori shook his head silently, "I guess not...but i need to go back there."

"Why?" Jesse piped up.

"I need to bury my dog, Gabriel." Hitori's voice shook slightly.

"You want to risk our security for a mutt?" Mikal called from the catwalk.

Hitori's eyes burned fierce, "He was not a mutt!" He could feel his rage increase.

"Mikal..." Boss shot her a warning look.

"Ok...ok" She sighed and walked out, the metal doors clanging behind her.

"We'll arrange it, Hitori," Boss smiled, "But for right now, go with Jesse."

Jesse gave a look to Boss as Hitori passed him, Boss shrugged his shoulders and motioned him to go on.

"Hey Hitori, wait up man..that's the wrong way!" Jesse ran after him.

Postby **true_noir_chloe** » Tue Jun 28, 2005 1:44 pm

This is a fun read, Girlninja. Your "Autumn Dreams" has better writing, but I see this one had improved around the #23 post. This one here may even be better if you would had written it in manga script form, because you don't put much effort into describing the scene and seem to prefer jumping straight to dialogue.

However, I like your characters; although, I found it hard to believe Hitori joined this group so quickly and so willingly. Somehow that seemed very against his confrontational nature. Maybe an extra few paragraphs of turmoil and more of a sales job from Boss or the Alpha Female would have been a good addition to make his joining the group more believable.

Anyway, I see the more you write the better you get at it and you're doing really well.

I have a question: What time period (futuristic?) does this take place in? And, what part of the country (Japan?) is this located? I mean, there are so many Japanese references. I'm sorry if I somehow missed these facts while reading.

Postby **girlninja** » Tue Jun 28, 2005 6:49 pm

yea ^^ autumn dreams is definetly better written this one was really in a manga style format and dont really know how to write that format lol but well it should be interesting in the long run ^_^ thankyou for reading it ^^

Postby **girlninja** » Fri Jul 01, 2005 4:33 am

^^

Hitori blushed and ducked his head. He followed Jesse out of the metal doorways. I can't believe her, he fumed, who does she think she is?

"What is it with women around here anyways?!" He asked himself. Jesse clamped his shoulder, "THat's the age old question my friend." He led him down a grey hallway. Rusted bolts held the walls together and pipes overhead leaked all passerbys. Occassionally they passed a cracked fire extinguisher, or a closed door.

They reached the end of the hallway in silence and turned right into a room full of wires, computers, monitors and it looked like a VR room.

"Woah." Hitori stood amazed.

"Yep, it's my babies," he walked up to one and stroked it, "Who missed daddy?"

Hitori shook his head, "Right...babies."

Postby **girlninja** » Fri Jul 08, 2005 4:55 am

*Sorry guys had writers' block* ^^

***

Jesse motioned him to one of the machines. It contained a platform and a cylinder ceiling. A helmet lay attatched to a cord and there for straps indicating where his feet were to go and the same for his hands. He walked over and allowed Jesse to strap him into the contraption.

"What is this?" Hitori yelled out as Jesse passed him, unable to rotate.

"Just going to run a test on your Wolf Spirit to determine it's strength," Jesse shrugged.

Hitori nodded. Suddenly the machine whirred and what felt like millions of ants crawling all over him.

"This will feel kind of funny," Jesse yelled over the machine.

Hitori suddenly felt a sting on his neck, "Ow!"

And the machine stopped just as Boss came through the door, "So how is he?"

Jesse looked at the monitor and gave a shrug, mouthing the word, "Weak" so Hitori couldn't see. Boss's shoulder's drooped but he walked up to Hitori and smiled, "Hey buddy looks like your a pretty strong fellow."

"Alright!" Hitori cheered.

Boss unstrapped him, giving Jesse a look as they went, "Let's go get some food, you must be starving."

Hitori's stomach rumbled in response, "You bet!" Jesse sighed as they left. Look's like the search would continue.

a story or novel not sure which heh

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