Solar Cycle

[Myoti]

No, this is not about some sun-powered vehicle, in case you were wondering. This is a story I've been messing around with in my head for awhile, and I decided maybe I should let someone see it. I'm a little nervous about letting people see my stuff, so bear with me, please.
I originally planned to make this as a sort manga, but that takes 1)time, and 2)skill in manga style, neither of which I have. I can draw, yes, but not very well that way.
So, anyways, I hope you like. There's probably a lot of mistakes and such. I was too lazy to check them yet, as I was more focused on finishing the storyline.
Oh yeah, it's kind of a furry story (animal people), though not all of my stuff is like that.
Anyways, I'm going to split it in several posts as it is pretty long, and if you like it, then I'll try to get the next part up soon. It will (hopefully) be about 24 parts long (if I can ever get around to doing them), just so you know.
And please, constuctive critiscm will be greatly appreciated.

[Myoti]

Solar Cycle: Part I - Those Called by Fate

The old storyteller looked up from her seat. The candles lit within the room cast dark shadows across her face and eyes, which looked down upon the small audience. Though the feather headdress and her billowing robes seemed to exaggerate her size, they somehow defined her importance to the people of the village.
Her eyes were fixed upon the eager listeners, which happened to be only two small children. She cleared her eroded throat and began her tale:

[I]“In ages long past, the villages of the Magi had spread throughout the world.
“Then came the Daemon. They appeared as dark and cold as the deepest abyss, and they felt no remorse in what they did. It was not known what they wanted, but it was apparent they hated us. They hunted our kind without discrimination. Man, women, young, and old. They cared not as long as there was blood to be spilled. It seemed that the Magi were to be wiped out from the world, until the Centurions came.
“In the ensuing war, many were slain from all sides. Yet in the end, the Daemon were defeated, and we were allowed to prosper once again.
“However, rumors have begun of late. Beginning first as nothing more than stories to entice fear, tales of the Daemon’s return were becoming more and more common. Eventually, travelers found truth in the tales.
“The Daemon were coming back.
“But all is not lost. A small band of travelers, wielding the very strength of the sun itself, would rise to bring down the Daemon, down back where they came from, never to threaten the world forevermore. A band of five travelers, there will be. The wanderer, the cursed, the redeemed, the thief, and the one to lead them, the solar maiden…â€

[Myoti]

Twelve years have passed.
A lone figure stood high atop the hill in the brisk morning, looking onward to the future that lay before her. She was a tiger, about seventeen, with her strangely colored hair sticking among all her features – bright blonde at the front, while the rest was black. She had on a sky-colored traveling dress and over she wore a white, hooded cape. Gold circlets hung around her wrists, ankles, and tail. She threw back her hood, then turned back to her companion farther down the hill.
“Hurry up, Burty! You can see the next town from up here.â€

[Myoti]

Two figures approached the traveler’s fire.
“Good day to you. How are you doing?â€

[Myoti]

“You’re sure it was them?â€

[Myoti]

----------------------------
OK, I think I'll do an attachment next time. That was way too much trouble to do it that way.

Oh, well. Hope you likey.

[That Dude]

Very good Myoti! I'll be looking forward to more. There was only one or two things that bothered me...

as the ivory blade suddenly flashed before me

The part that says "me" doesn't fit with the rest of the story. You switched narration styles on that and it kinda throws things off a little bit. It's a good story though. You should make a mountian lion character

[Myoti]

Thankees.

OK, I fixed that little mess up. Man, what was I thinking when I did that? O_o

A mountain lion, huh? Hmm, could be interesting.

I'll try working on Part II ASAP.

[Sakura15]

OOOO!! I like it!!! great job

[girlninja]

Keep writing bro! ^^ umm you may want to space your story out into paragraphs and seperate between dialouge just makes it easier to read in my opinion ^^

[Photosoph]

Great writing Myoti; I'm really enjoying this so far. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread for when you update.

[Myoti]

Thanks guys. I'll try to get to the next one soon.

Keep writing bro! ^^ umm you may want to space your story out into paragraphs and seperate between dialouge just makes it easier to read in my opinion ^^

Yeah, I thought that. I think I'm just going to attatch the docuent next time, though.

[Kawaiikneko]

I enjoyed the story so far. Anthros~!

I'm not going to go through and outline all the grammatical errors I caught, because you can get those in editting, but something you'll want to remember is the comma and quotations rules.

also, line after line of dialogue can get confusing, so don't be afraid to pop a little "she said" or "he said" in there occasionally.

T leveled the arm weapon and fired out another cannonball. Gil ducked as the mortar soared overhead, Burty coming up behind him with a shot of his own. A burst of light flew out and struck the cannonball, sending it flying back over Gil and into T’s stomach. The force of the impact threw T and the cowering bandits across the field, eventually falling off a nearby cliff.

this particular sentence just sounds a bit outlandish and unrealistic. Its almost cartoonish. If that's what you're aiming for, thats ok, but you may want to reconsider how you write it. Split up the last sentence especially, adding a bit more detail and movement to the characters.

Well, anyways, I love Gil so far ^o^/ He seems fun

[Myoti]

this particular sentence just sounds a bit outlandish and unrealistic. Its almost cartoonish. If that's what you're aiming for, thats ok, but you may want to reconsider how you write it. Split up the last sentence especially, adding a bit more detail and movement to the characters.

Yeah, like I mentioned before, I originally planned this out to more of a manga style, so if it comes out a bit outrageous, (which, most likely, it will) that explains why it's that way. I'm trying to simply get across the story more than anything. Maybe someday I'll try in it manga, but it'll take a whole lot longer that this.

I sometimes find it hard to explain and detail things in my writing. This comes mostly from the way I think and visualize them. If I try to write down every little bit of what I imagine, one part of the story would turn into a boring novel. Plus, I can't always think of the right words to explain something.

BTW, I've almost completed the second part (which, at the request of That Dude, will contain a mountain lion character ), which I am hoping you shall like.

[That Dude]

Thanks man!

[Kawaiikneko]

yay! *can't wait*

don't worry too much about the detail ^^ if anything, dictionary.com and its thesaurus is your best friend

[Photosoph]

Oh yes, the theasaurus at dictionary.com rocks! Whenever I'm staring at my current sentence, trying to remember what that cool descriptive word is that would describe my situation perfectly, but all I can come up with is 'hard' or 'soft' or maybe, if I'm having a good day, 'fuzzy', the dictionary.com theasaurus is the answer! I love that thing. You don't even have to turn any pages! ^__^

Go mountain-lion chara!

[Felix]

*hugs the story* Woo! I like it! A few grammatical things is really all I noticed, but it's great!! Can't wait for more!

[Myoti]

Part two is up.
Too lazy to post it so I stuck it on as an attachment.

Lil' more violent than the last one and stuff. Yes, there's a mountain lion in here (named Sky; don't ask), along with several other characters and such.

So, hopefully you'll likey. If I do something stupid in it, tell me and I'll fix the problem.

If you have suggestions for other aminal character you think would be cool in it, tell me and I might do it when I get around to the others.

With that said, please enjoy.

[Kawaiikneko]

yaaaay!! I enjoyed it ^^ Eagles/hawk people would be cool ^^;

Grammatical things again and a few awkward sentences. You might want to describe Sky and Ebb a bit more. I can't seem to picture them very well in my mind.

there's my constructive criticism for the day~ I'm really enjoying the story so far! ^o^/ keep it up!

[Photosoph]

Sorry, this is just a quick comment because of a lack of time, but: cool!

[Myoti]

You might want to describe Sky and Ebb a bit more. I can't seem to picture them very well in my mind.

Hmm, I was afraid of that... I'll try to put in more on them.

[Sakura15]

Yaaay!! lol great job Myoti!!

[Felix]

<< >> ......Mr.T *giggles*
I don't have time to read part two now but I can't wait to read it! I love this story! ^^

[Myoti]

I changed Part 2 a little. Basically just put in a little more description on Sky and Ebb, though I'm not sure if it really helps. Honestly, it turns out, I didn't real know that much about how a mountain lion or rottweiler really looked.

I will get to Part 3...sometime. I've just been worried about school and stuff, but it ends next week so I'll have more free time (yay!!!).

I would still like suggestions, not just on aneemuls, but on weapons (you'll see why as the story continues).

In the next one, expect to see more of Sky and Ebb, a new character (ooh, who could it be? O.O), and a hinting at a Daemon appearance.
So, I'll get to it as soon as I can.

[Myoti]

IT's HERE!

Part 3. Enjoy.

[Sakura15]

Awesome!! can't wait for 4!

[Myoti]

Thanks much!

<.< >.> *looks around*

Didn't anyone else like it?...

[Photosoph]

Of course we did! ^_^ We're just in different time zones and schedules
Very cool! Good writing -I did notice some errors, but they're easy to make and easy to fix up.
Good on ya for writing more! I enjoyed it.

[Kawaiikneko]

Ah sry ^^; wasn't able to read it until now...


I really loved this part! Kozette and Gil are now my two favorite characters. I don't think I said this before, but Burty bugs me. No problem with your writing, just his type of character is one I love to hate. XD Its good to have a character to dislike in a story, so thanks. (I'm aware that this is a very strange thing to thank you for but oh well ^__^)
Also, I looooved the part at the end with P and the, I'm assuming, Daemon. Very cool.

I also noticed a few errors. Have you considered getting a beta reader? That might help.