A Raven's Tears

[Kawaiikneko]

This story takes place in an alternate universe where there are 6 worlds including Earth. Earth is separated from the other 5 worlds and this story takes place in the world of Gwaedh. In order to give a background of the worlds in which the story takes place, I'm going to also post the prologue to my other story ^^

At the beginning of our time, the Creator made five worlds. Each world was inhabited by one dominant race. In the world of Earth were the humans. In the forest-blessed world of Ayliel were the elves. In the world of Lythim, which was a lot like our world when it was young, lived the mir-filled lyate. The world dominated by the sky, called Calmat, was occupied by the gatomye. Finally, in the water covered world of Aquillian lived the delphinae. The Creator was pleased with the perfect worlds he had created.
Lucifer, the highest and most beautiful lightchild, or angels as they are called on Earth, watched this with hatred in his heart. He wanted to be higher than the Creator; and so, he gathered one-third of the lightchildren and rebelled against the Creator. Lucifer was defeated and exiled from heaven with the lightchildren that followed him. They wrecked havoc on the worlds, and one by one the once perfect worlds fell into sin. Lucifer became known as Myarn in most of the worlds and the beings that followed him were no longer known as lightchildren, but instead they were called fallen, shadowbeings, nightchildren, and in our world demons.
Time went by and the Creator chose a group of humans to make a covenant with him. However, they were not always faithful to him and fell away often. The Creator knew this would happen and prepared a way for his son to bridge the gap between humans and the Creator. Before this son came however, the Creator communicated to the humans through prophets and priests. In the worlds other than Earth, the Creator chose people to become winged ones, beings faithful to the Creator blessed with wings. Their job was to keep the peace in their respective worlds, and occasionally this included hunting and fighting the fallen and other evil forces. These winged ones were the ones the Creator communicated through to the other races before his son provided a way for all people to have a relationship with the Creator.
Not long after the establishment of the church on Earth, the first Earthian winged one was chosen. He was told by the Creator that he had been chosen to lead the connection of the worlds. One winged one from each of the other races was chosen by the Creator to assist him. These winged ones were called to connect the worlds and join the races on the five worlds into another sixth world. Each winged one in turn gathered two hundred men and women of their race willing to go to the new world. Therefore the world of Gwaedh was born.

More info on the story I'll be posting here in the next post.

[Kawaiikneko]

Alright, as I said the story takes place in Gwaedh. In this alternate universe, demons assume physical form in the connected 5 worlds. While their main jobs remain in the spiritual realm, the things they do in the physical realm are considered, in a way, their leisure time. These horrible actions are used to take the focus of people off of their acts in the spiritual world. Another thing that makes this universe different than ours is the existense of mir. Mir is a gift given by God that can do things that shouldn't physically be possible. It has different elements. The race that has the most mir is the lyate.

Now, on to the story plot. A Raven's Tears is about girl whose mother was a human and whose father was a demon. I'm sorta going off of the Nephilim in Genesis... whether or not they were really children between demons and humans I don't know... just thought it would be an interesting idea.

Warning: Slight violence, implied rape, and demons. Don't worry the demons are seen in a bad light.

now then: the Prologue

[Kawaiikneko]

Sobs wretched the young woman huddled in the corner of the room as she peeked through her fingers timidly. She snapped her eyes shut instantly, but her hands couldn’t shut out the unearthly cries of that creature. When the screams subsided she peeked again to see the winged girl wiping her sword clean of the nightchild’s blood with a cloth. Both the cloth and the sword shimmered into liquid light before melting away. More liquid light gathered and materialized into a blanket that the winged one draped over the shaking woman’s shoulders.

“Forgive me,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

(continuation of prologue)

Maema glanced out the small window with a pause in her hand-washing to look at the winged one seated in the middle of the tiny village. She had been sitting there since early morning and from what Maema could see of the sky, it was approaching noon. A small crowd – what could be called a crowd only in this backwater village – had gathered around with a myriad of whispered questions. Why had a winged one come to their remote village? What was she doing?

The winged one looked to hear none of it. Her feathery white wings curled around her kneeling figure elegantly to block out unwanted interference. From her limited vantage point Maema could make out the winged one’s bowed head and clasped hands.

Maema didn’t have to guess what the woman was doing; she already knew. They had talked briefly in the morning about what she would be doing: setting up a very complicated barrier against the nightchild that had hurt her. She had said it would be specially designed to block out his spiritual “signatureâ€

[Kawaiikneko]

Well, even though no one's reading it I'll post the next part ^^; The actual main story now...

A strange girl hurried through the town’s streets hugging a parcel to her chest. Her long, almost-purple hair that was loosely tied back attracted attention, but her long pointed ears that poked out the sides of her head attracted even more. If she had stopped to talk to anyone they would have noticed her bright red eyes and small fangs as well. As it was, she wasn’t trying to attract attention.

The edge of town and the tree line were nearly in sight. She sneaked towards her goal and she was sure once she reached those trees she’d be free. Finally, she couldn’t stand it any longer and broke into a sprint, weaving through the crowds, reaching towards those blessed trees. The screaming cry of a shadi pierced through the morning air as she darted into its path and the rider barely missed her before he drew it to a halt in front of her path. He smiled down at her from his mount, though it was far from pleasant.

“Hello there Cree,â€

[starwarsboy90]

Wow, This is a great story, I especially like the girl being a half Demon, here's the first part of Episode 1 of Aldean Chronicles, which is about Angels, Demons and Elves, it has to do with another planet that is in the far off part of the universe. It also has to do with Earth, Lucifer and the rebellion and fall. Anyways, I'd suggest you read it and give some feedback. The series has been running for 3 months at least.

[starwarsboy90]

the web address is http://starwarsboy90.tripod.com/

anyways, Episode 2, Part 1 has to do with a half-breed girl

[Kawaiikneko]

Cree crashed blindly through the underbrush, swatting branches and stumbling blindly over the uneven ground in her tears. As she dashed into a clearing her foot caught a rock and she tumbled to the ground. She curled up in the dirt and hugged her scraped knee to her chest, letting her tears flow freely.

“What’s wrong little girl?â€

[Kawaiikneko]

ooh that looks interesting! I'll have to read it on the way to Holiday Valley this weekend. Thanks for reading my lil story btw ^^

[starwarsboy90]

Wow, your really a good writer. I'm in the edge of my seat, wanting to know what happens next.!If only I had an writer like you on my writing team, my series would even be better!! Have fun in Holiday Valley! Anyway here's a pictue of one of the main characters, who's almost like Cree, her name is Sakura. If you read Episode 1 Part 2, you will probably see a resemblance between it and your story, but then again your a very good writer!

[Felix]

*Claps for joy* YAY for Kawaiikneko! I really love this! Please write more!! *gets on his hands and knees*

[Kawaiikneko]

oh thanks ^^ I just don't write fast... but I did type more on the way to and from Holiday Valley and Okemo (POWDER~~~ WOOT) Just a note (as I told Felix over aim) alot of stuff in this story is defined in my other story, like mir and cultural things. I wanted to write a story as if they were everyday things, instead of explaining what everything is as I go. Yeah... As I read back through this I can see I need to edit it... again <.< Re-write a few sentences...

Cree buried her face in her pillow, but fingered the black pendant hanging around her neck. She had realized not long after the incident that her father had given her the pendant, and as much as she wanted to throw it out or smash it sometimes, for some reason she could not. Since that day six years ago, the nightchild had kept his word and came to talk to her, if only as a disembodied voice. He had yet to appear physically to her again, but she was quite fine with that. Even without a body he was merciless in his verbal attacks.

“My poor little Cree,â€

[starwarsboy90]

Wow, awesome chapter, continue! This is as good as my series! Continue!!!

[true_noir_chloe]

I stayed up reading the whole thread. ^__^ My, you have a very interesting concept. I really enjoyed reading your story. And, I don't say that to everyone, because many of them I skim and don't comment.

I do have to ask is there some way you can seperate the paragraph breaks with a space? It would make for such easier reading. Also, if you are changing to a new chapter, could you title your entry, "Chapter 1 -- Meeting Cree," "Chapter 2--" and so on? I'd really appreciate this. ^__^

There was also a place I got confused. I read the Prologue and then there was a woman, Maema, and then a little girl, Cree, alone, and then the little girl with her mum, Maema. Well, I think you realize you need to do some editing for flow in this section, but I just wanted to let you know that it would be nice if you somehow let us know that you're doing back story.

However, I thought this most recent dialogue was great between Cree and her dad. You seem to handle "evil" really well. I always thought writing dialogue for really evil characters was fun. *hehe*

You did have some problems with grammar and sentence structure at the beginning, but this most recent entry makes me realize you probably just didn't have the flow down yet. It happens when you place stuff on a thread.

Anyway, I should come back and check on this. PM me if you want a more indepth critique. I think this is very original and interesting and is definitely worth me looking over once again. It's so refreshing finding someone who has a unique idea. You've brought me back into the Writing section, which I had stayed away from for quite a while.

[Kaori]

Like true_noir_chloe said, you have an interesting story concept. The strength of your writing, I think, is less in the specifics of your alternate universe than in the characters themselves. The sympathetic characters, like the rather matronly winged one and Cree herself, are quite likeable, and Cree's father makes a suitably repulsive villain. I find Cree to be a very interesting character, and it is easy to sympathize with her, particularly when she is unjustly accused in your most recent installment; not everyone can identify with having mixed blood, but anyone can understand the feeling of being wrongly accused.

I would also like to commend you for taking on some rather weighty issues in this story--rape, mixed race, and struggling with sin. That does take some bravery.

[Kawaiikneko]

*huggles everyone* YAY!! People are actually reading it ^_^

thanks so much for your comments kaori and tnc. Constructive criticism is ALWAYS welcome. My story does need alot of editting, but at the moment I'm focusing on finishing it. As for the chapters... they're not really divided into chapters much, although I can see some places where I could.... At first this was just supposed to be a short story, and it just keeps getting longer. Which is good cause I love it ^^ Basically I was just dividing it up into increments that would fit in the post ^^;;

There's two parts of the prologue, the part right after Maema (Cree's mother) was raped/abused, and then when she's settling into a small village where the winged one sets up a barrier. Then it cuts to Cree, and then a flashback. I'm sorry if it was confusing... I don't really like posting it in such small pieces. Maybe it would have made more sense if you had read it in my .doc Or maybe not, who knows. I don't really like the transition of Cree's thinking to her flashback, so that'll probably get editted when I'm done.
I love writting really evil characters too! Maybe there's not something wrong with me afterall Conversations between Cree and her father are interesting to write, so I'm glad you liked it.
And I'm soooo glad you like my characters ^^ Okay I'll go post more now...

[Kawaiikneko]

People shied away from her as she walked casually through the streets, but as she came to the section where her outburst had occurred, most people outwardly glared at her. With head hung low she began to make inspections and estimates on how much she would have to pay back.

The cobblestones had been ripped from the ground in the explosions and lay in scattered piles where they had landed or people had moved them. Some of the stones were still decent enough that she could put them back on her own, but she would have to purchase more if she ever hoped to restore the gaping sections in the street. The whitewashed front walls of the buildings were scarred black, ugly and dark in contrast to the rest of the city’s respectable dwellings. She would have to re-apply the whitewash. Half the front windows on the street were cracked or shattered. They would be replaced with any money she could earn. One shop had a whole corner blown clear off leaving a gaping hole in the building. Cree winced as she saw it, her sensitive ears picking up whispers that a few people had been injured in the blast. At least no one had died. Cree didn’t know if she could live with a person’s life on her conscience.

“It’s not as bad as last time,â€

[Kawaiikneko]

“That was mean Phyr,â€

[true_noir_chloe]

GREAT, an update! ^__^

I'll be back to read this tomorrow, because I REALLY WANT to read what you've added. I just don't have the time right now; but, I want you to know how much I want to read what you added. ~_^

[Kaori]

Well, you certainly seem to update regularly. The following comments are in roughly, but not entirely, sequential order.

I was slightly confused by this sentence:

As far as Cree could tell, she was only a few years younger maturity wise, but Phyr didn’t even know her own age.

Are you referring to Phyr’s physical or mental age here? The passage does not exactly make it clear.

For the most part, you are doing a good job of using active language in your descriptions, like the following:

Her body twisted with the natural aerial grace of the lyate and gatomye as she flew through her element.

Soft golden curls bounced around her shoulders, held out of her face with a large pink bow.

However, there is one spot in particular where your writing would benefit from more active description: the paragraph where you first describe the elf Aethiel. You already have several instances of lovely descriptive writing that avoids making heavy use of “to beâ€

[Kawaiikneko]

Oh, that reference to Phyr is a cultural thing again.. It has to do with how the lyate (her race) age differently than humans >< Sorry I didn't make that more clear. Her mental and physical maturity seems to be a few years younger than Cree (who's about 13 or 14). In actuality she's probably a year or two older because of the way lyate grow and mature. In their society a 15 year old human and a 15 year old lyate wouldn't be treated the same... ok you get the picture ^^;

I struggle alot with finding different ways to describe the same action, so I'm glad you commented on that ^^ My chacters seem to do alot of sudden smiling/smirking/grinning...

I'm not sure what you mean by "to be" verbs though <.<;; It'll probably be something I'll look back on and be like "Wow I was stupid there" but could you explain some more or give an example ^^;;

oh thanks btw tnc ^.~

[starwarsboy90]

Ok, I think that somewhat helped.

[Kaori]

Her mental and physical maturity seems to be a few years younger than Cree (who's about 13 or 14). In actuality she's probably a year or two older because of the way lyate grow and mature.

OK, thank you for the explanation. That makes sense now.

I'm not sure what you mean by "to be" verbs though <.<]
There is no need to feel badly about your question. It is any conjugation of the verb "to be"-- I am, you are, he/she is, they are, we are, I was, you were, etc. As an example, I will mark the instances of it in one of the paragraphs I mentioned.

He was an elf, tall and lithe, but still strong and well-built. His hair was unnaturally black, very uncommon when it came to elves, but Cree thought it looked beautiful. Now it was tied back at the nape of his neck, but she desperately wanted to see what it looked like hanging around his face. His eyes were a silvery hue that she loved, even though she had to admit she liked her own red eyes better despite how scary they looked to other people. He handled the animals of the stables very gently, something which Cree greatly respected. His name was Aethiel.

Have your English teachers talked very much about linking verbs? Some people emphasize them more than others. In the paragraph above, "looked" acts as a linking verb (in addition to all the instances of "was" and "were"). An active verb, on the other hand, would be more or less anything that is not a linking verb.

[true_noir_chloe]

Okay, I loved your new characters, Phyr, Kiryn and Aethiel, oh yes and the young priestess Elf. ^_______^ You do well with sharing a character that is likable. It is most of the reason I am enjoying this.

Your description is great. As you write more you will realize when to add more description and when to place less. It will help the reader move along without any speed bumps of wordiness, and to be satiated when there hasn't been enough words to paint the proper picture.

I have to say I'm still enjoying this very much. I really like your story.

Now, I have to comment on how you split up dialogue when you write. It is also all right to sometimes simply place "she said" or a simple passive sentence in between dialogue. If you continually write in active voice it will come across too wordy and tire the reader out.

Here are just a few examples of your dialogue that may have to be broken up for fluid thought. You should probably go through later and correct the others which I haven't placed here.

Example 1:

[quote]
“You look fine!â€

[Kawaiikneko]

Wow!! Thanks so much for the grammar help *hugs you both*

lol I do remember what linking and action verbs are... we learned that in 6th grade or something. Thanks for the clarification on the "to be" verbs ^^; I understand now. And I do agree that the Aethiel paragraph needs some work. I wrote it quickly so I could get past it I guess *whacks myself*

Sometimes I'm a little scared to use _____ said too much. I look for all these different ways to say it differently =_= should I not do that?
Looking back though, now that you point them out, I do seem some problems. One quick question: When you said to structure it like
[quote="""]
"Why, hello Miss,â€

[insanewitapen]

YAAY~ You're posting your story! I love this one! *coughworkonkarastorytoocough* ^__~ *read intently* ...darn I read it all allready. ^_^

[Kawaiikneko]

Taryn story, silly! You were the one that gave me opinions on the name change remember =P And as I read back through the beginning of that one I can see MAJOR editting is needed >.<

*coughworkonyourfirststorytoocough*

[starwarsboy90]

Wow, you story is sounding more and more like my series. Hmmm, I guess there are similarties and Thank God for Alternate Realities and Universes! Especially the young Priestess Elf, I have at least one of those already in my series. Guess it might help if I re-read a couple of the Episodes that are old and make sure that certain things of your story hasn't happened in the Episodes. Guess you could help me backtrack, since my series is already 3 months old. the link yet again is
http://starwarsboy90.tripod.com/

[true_noir_chloe]

starwarsboy, have you thought of just posting your own thread? I think you should at least pay a fee to Kawaiikneko for advertising on her thread.

did you mean to start a new paragraph every line?

Yes, paragraphs are split by a new topic, a new subject or new speaker. When in writing dialogue it is correct to place only the person and their actions within their dialogue on the paragraph.

It would be best if I just refer you to a small little book, which you might want to purchase if you don't already own, The Elements of Style, by William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White.

In chapter two, "Elementary Principles of Composition," on page 16 they write on the subject of paragraphs:

"The object of treating each topic in a paragraph by itself is, of course, to aid the reader. The beginning of each paragraph is a signal to him that a new step in the development of the subject has been reached."

They then write on dialogue:

"In dialogue, each speech, even if only a single word, is usually a paragraph by itself]

And then add:

[i]"As a rule, begin each paragraph either with a sentence that suggests the topic or with a sentence that helps the transition."

Now, if you read some of the great literary writers you may find that some are a bit lenient on the dialogue rule according to their style. However, unless you are completely comfortable with the English language and writing, you might want to be very basic in structure, for the purpose of clarity and ease for the reader.

Again, I look forward to reading your next installment and hope this clarified paragraphs and dialogue for you. ^___^

[Kawaiikneko]

oh yes thanks very much! That sounds like an interesting book... I'll have to look for it. I was able to type in study hall today ^^ yay for freshman year, huh? I'm actually way in front of where I'm posting this, but thats okay. After I edit the next part according to your wonderful comments, I'll post it.