Let me know if you like it. This is the first chapter.
3915 AD
A shadow crept through the room as the candle light grew dim and expired. The heat of day sank away and shriveled into the chill of night. A sickening dampness settled in the air as darkness arose like the coming of war. The sensation was sharp enough to cut a man to the core of his being. Its grotesque feeling was not right. There was something evil in the air this night that had not been there before. The air was crying to be heard, to be cleansed of past misdeeds. It was saturated with the blood of thousands slain and called out to a single soul for repentance.
The 20-year-old girl raised her head and look out the window. The last shred of sunlight was barely visible through the reinforced glass. She bowed her head once more and realized that her actions had accomplished nothing. She had been crouching here on her throne all day. Her legs had cramped from strain of sitting in one position too long and her black pants and tank top were wrinkled. Her cape fluttered around her as a draft wisped through the throne room.
She raised her head and gazed at the high arched ceiling, popping her neck to relieve built up tension. She stared for a few moments as the room became darker. She could barely make out the lines and curves as she sat wondering about her fate. She moved her head to glance around the room. It was devoid of any form of light. Black was its theme. The cold stone walls were such a contrast to the metal platted floor, a union of two eras, and yet, they both seemed to tell the same haunting story about innocent blood and deep depression. A bitter malicious harmony rang forth from the battlements perfectly in tune within its parts. The dreadful melody that resounded from inside came from the woman’s own soul.
Kayura leapt from her throne of cast-iron and black velvet, her cape billowing behind her. The night came on gradually, sneaking in like a cobra poised to attack, as she walked to the center of the throne room. Insanity tugged at the back of her mind tempting her to loose control. She stopped and closed her emerald green eyes as the darkness of the room pressed around her. Pulling her hair from her face as the menacing moment passed, she opened her eyes and slowly moved around the throne room wondering why she felt so defeated. Her empire was complete. Her power was all she needed.
She struggled to think about what to do and where she was going. The entire galaxy is under my control. My life’s goal is fulfilled. What’s wrong with me? Why does it seem like I can’t go on?! What am I missing? Insanity called to her once again and she fought it with all her might. She fell to her knees and grasped her head between her hands and started to weep. Images of the past came to her and flashes. All the things she had shut out for so long came over her in a flood. She stood and leaned against a pillar only for a moment to rest. Her breath came out in ragged gasps.
She began to walk down into the hall in a drunken sort of daze brought on only by tears and deep misery. It was bright here. The lights kept the halls and corridors easy to see into. A wail escaped her throat as she struggled to stay conscious. The room was like ice, but she was hot with fever. She was soaked through with sweat.
She wandered around the palace taking in her surroundings and thinking, her footsteps echoing on the cold metallic floor. Her palace was death. It held a macabre allure that was beyond mortal comprehension. The darkness that possessed it was brought on by more than just the pitch blacks and deep burgundies of the walls and floors. It was a reflection of her soul.
She stopped roaming and sighed at the sight of the lighting's glare on the floor. She had reached her chambers. Once inside, she lay down on her bed and closed her eyes, hoping to get some sleep. A single thought floated past her mind before sleep and memories overcame her.
"There are times in life that we all go through difficult experiences that shape who we become. These experiences become ingrained in our subconscious minds and cause us to grow stronger and wiser or force us into foolishness and weakness. From these experiences, we learn to love life or to hate it.
She smiled weakly at the thought and prepared her mind for the deluge of memories it would undergo while she slept. She fell asleep with it at the forefront of her brain.
"From these times, we learn to love life or to hate it."
Then the memories came...
3899 AD
"Kyrio wait up!" 4-year-old Kayura shouted stumbling over various rocks by the stream.
"You're too slow. Come on, Mother is waiting for us." Kyrio stopped walking and waited for his twin sister to catch up. They had left their mother's side to play beside the small stream. The time had passed quickly and they suddenly realized that it was getting dark. They had decided to go back to their mother. They eventually found their way back to her and together they went back to the palace.
The palace was a grand sight in the days of Ritrio. The ancient paintings hung from the walls, the colors unfaded by the test of time. The carpeted floor was a deep burgundy in color. The chandelier, primitive in style with candles amidst the ironwork, gave the palace a mystical look. The navy, emerald, and purple silk curtains hung from the lofty ceiling to the cobblestone floor. Kayura loved to watch the curtains flutter in the evening wind as they did that very night. She allowed a small sigh to escape her lips as she gazed upon their simple beauty.
Her mother touched her arm gently and led her down the dimly lit hall. After Kyrio had been put to bed, Kayura found herself being lifted into her mother's arms and carried to her room. The four-year-old girl fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She never realized that it would be the last time she would see her mother alive.
3915 AD
Kayura awoke suddenly from her deep sleep. This first memory was of the night her mother had been killed. She dripped with sweat wishing this first memory had been only a nightmare. She got up and splashed water on her face letting the coolness comfort her. She remembered the morning after her adventure by the stream all too well. The guards awakened her early and rushed her out of the room, trying to explain things as they went, the guard tried to tell her what had happened but Kayura's child-like brain couldn't comprehend that her mother was gone. She couldn't comprehend that her mother had bled to death because someone shot her in the neck. Kayura had been confused for most of her childhood as to why someone would do something so cruel.
She and her brother had been sent to a stronghold on an asteroid to be safe while an investigation was being held. Years later, she would conduct her own investigation and uncover the truth. Kayura's anger surfaced as she threw anything she could get her hands on around the bathroom. She clenched the broken pieces of a vase in her hand and watched as blood ran through her fingers. She fell to the ground with tears streaming down her face. She shook uncontrollably knowing that this was not the end of the memories. This was not the end of the pain she would feel before the night was through.
In this night, she would face her past, her present, her fears, her choices, and her demons. She knew that even if she forced herself to stay awake, eventually, she would fall asleep and succumb to this attack of remembrances. She stood in a hap-hazardous sort of way and walked out into the hall in the direction of the dungeon. She was no longer in control of herself. As she strode to the dungeon, delirium overcame her. She stumbled on a sort of drunken despair, wailing and weeping and falling over herself as the corridor swirled and buckled around her. She leaned against the wall as she went, going farther deeper into the dungeon. Her sub-conscious mind had a plan to bring her from her pain and infamy. It knew what must be done. It knew the truth.
Kayura groaned as she unknowingly punched a code into a number pad near a door that led to the most important prisoner kept. The door led to her closest friend and her deadliest enemy, the one that knew her best. The door opened and she stumbled inside. The person in the room turned to her with a sad look.
"What tortures have you come to lay upon me now, My Kiri?" he asked. A closer look told him that Kayura was not herself. She collapsed on the floor hitting the control panel on her way down, closing the door behind her. The man rushed to her and gathered her in his arms. He attempted to calm her, but her sobs resounded from the walls.
"Hush, My Kiri," he whispered.
"Kamlyn?" she managed to say one last time before she passed out in his arms from exhaustion and emotional strain.
"I'm here," he whispered to her unconscious form as she lay limp in his arms.
Kayura did not hear his comment to her as she was drifting off into memories once again. This time she would not awaken until the entire course of her life had been replayed before her mind.
"There are times in life..."
Five-year-old Kayura walked down the long corridor to her father's room.
"That we all go through..."
She knocked on the door before her, but there was no answer. Her father refused to see her.
"Difficult experiences..."
He had decided.
"That shape who we become."
She would leave the next day for the academy.
"From these experiences...
What was left unsaid was a deep hatred of a female heir.
"We learn..."
He wished for her brother to inherit the throne at any cost.
"To love life..."
Even at the cost of his only daughter's life.
"Or, to hate it."
Thus begins the life story of Kayura Amane Leone Rene Triast, Empress of the galaxy Kirasha.
THe battle within
23 posts •
Page 1 of 1
I like it a lot. The drama is so thick it, you can run it through your fingers like water. If anything, I'd say it starts off a little too strong with the heavy, menacing description of night. But i could feel the emptiness in the life of Empress Kayura. I'd definitely like to read more.
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Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
Sweet!!!
Here's the 2nd chappy!!!
Chp. 2
YEAR 3900
5-year-old Kayura walked down the long corridor to her father's chambers. A small pout on her face, she hoped to sway her father's decision on her fate. Having told her that she needed to learn self-defense, her father decided to send her away to the Crimena military academy. What he left unsaid was that he sent her away in order to rip her title as heir to the throne away from her and to bestow the coveted title upon her younger twin brother.
Kayura knocked on the door that lay before her. There was no response. She knocked again much louder, but still no response came. Her father refused to see her. The king had decided; his daughter would leave the following morning for the military academy. After a few moments of silence, Kayura turned with her head held low and walked slowly back to her room. She sniffled a little, not wanting to leave the home she knew.
Her room was bare. Her things had been packed away in storage. All that sat in her room was her bed and a small duffle bag, which she would take with her on the ship. The bag contained a change of clothes and various other necessities. Kayura sighed and plopped down on her bed, her dress and royal robe billowing out with the sudden motion. This would be the last day she would wear a dress in a long time. At least she could be happy about that.
As she lay back, little Kayura acted as if the weight of the world were on her tiny shoulders. She scrunched up her face trying to think of one last way to convince her father to let her stay, but she could think of nothing save her girlish charms, which worked on everyone at the palace but him. The one person she needed to convince was the only one she could not sway. Pouting would not work either. She decided right then and there that her father did not care about her, but that wasn't going to stop her from trying to get her way anyway. She was very determined and was tempted on more than one occasion to throw a major temper-tantrum. But, she refrained because of what her mother once told her. Her mother warned her to watch out for herself and to in no way show to be foolish, proud, spoiled, or angry in any way lest her father have reason to give everything she had to her brother. Kayura scowled at the thought of her brother having everything she had. "What would Kyrio do with my music boxes or my dollies? Kyrio is so mean!" She was right to think that. Kyrio only respected their father and only because their father was ready to give him the world. Kyrio was the epitome of an arrogant spoiled brat especially after their mother had died. Kayura felt in her heart that Kyrio would grow to be an evil man. She consistently took the opposite side of anything they would talk about. Their sense of sibling rivalry was beyond a sensible proportion; it was a deadly extreme.
Kayura sighed again, this time in defeat. She didn't know what to do. Her little brain was tired of thinking. She finally decided to do as her father said and hope for the best. This decided, Kayura slid off the bed and walked down the hall to dinner. The dinner that night would be a private affair. Only the family members and servants would be able to attend and the servants only to bring the food. After they served, the food, they left as well. The family would be left to their goodbyes. Kayura ate in silence. She answered questions asked of her in short simple answers and ate little of the food placed in front of her. Kayura wasn't hungry, she wasn't talkative, and she wasn't very happy. After she had finished eating all that she would eat, Kayura got up from the table and went to her room. She fell asleep as her head hit the pillow.
The next morning, Kayura boarded the spaceship "Akanya" which means despair in one of the many languages spoken on their planet. Kayura sulked in the single passenger ship all alone until they reached the academy. The passage was a long and boring one in which Kayura often fell asleep. The Crimena Military Academy was a 13-hour flight from her home world of Alimara to the far off moon in a neighboring system.
In the way as most common to young children, Kayura forgot both boredom and anger as she saw her first glimpse of the academy. As the moments wore on, she couldn’t help but peer through the window as she saw ships docking and loading supplies at the academy’s docking bay. Things were busy here, never stopping, running more quickly than at the palace where a day would pass in a long monotonous uniformity, everyday like the one before, always predictable never changing, since her mother’s death anyway. Kayura had heard tales of the days when her mother was alive and wished she could remember them. Even though only a year had gone by, she had begun to forget. The gleam of metal buildings brought Kayura back again from memories long past. Her excitement mounted as she sat there on her knees, hands clasped to the window seal as she tried to watch for people at the academy. Questions formed in her mind as to what was about to happen in her life. Would she have friends? Was the food any good? Would they welcome her with a special committee? She was their Princess after all.
Kayura’s excitement level grew to the state of anticipation. There was a slight jar when the ship finished docking, but Kayura didn’t care as she was already on her way out the door. The instant the ship landed, she jumped out and ran inside. She stopped. No one was around. No one had come to greet her. The silence of the white walls reverberated around her. She started to walk around nervously trying to take in the disciplined setting she had been placed in. Her footsteps echoed through the academy as she searched for a sign of life. The place seemed deserted, void, without life…
She looked at the doors as she passed by them “TG-126; TG-127; TG-128…â€
Here's the 2nd chappy!!!
Chp. 2
YEAR 3900
5-year-old Kayura walked down the long corridor to her father's chambers. A small pout on her face, she hoped to sway her father's decision on her fate. Having told her that she needed to learn self-defense, her father decided to send her away to the Crimena military academy. What he left unsaid was that he sent her away in order to rip her title as heir to the throne away from her and to bestow the coveted title upon her younger twin brother.
Kayura knocked on the door that lay before her. There was no response. She knocked again much louder, but still no response came. Her father refused to see her. The king had decided; his daughter would leave the following morning for the military academy. After a few moments of silence, Kayura turned with her head held low and walked slowly back to her room. She sniffled a little, not wanting to leave the home she knew.
Her room was bare. Her things had been packed away in storage. All that sat in her room was her bed and a small duffle bag, which she would take with her on the ship. The bag contained a change of clothes and various other necessities. Kayura sighed and plopped down on her bed, her dress and royal robe billowing out with the sudden motion. This would be the last day she would wear a dress in a long time. At least she could be happy about that.
As she lay back, little Kayura acted as if the weight of the world were on her tiny shoulders. She scrunched up her face trying to think of one last way to convince her father to let her stay, but she could think of nothing save her girlish charms, which worked on everyone at the palace but him. The one person she needed to convince was the only one she could not sway. Pouting would not work either. She decided right then and there that her father did not care about her, but that wasn't going to stop her from trying to get her way anyway. She was very determined and was tempted on more than one occasion to throw a major temper-tantrum. But, she refrained because of what her mother once told her. Her mother warned her to watch out for herself and to in no way show to be foolish, proud, spoiled, or angry in any way lest her father have reason to give everything she had to her brother. Kayura scowled at the thought of her brother having everything she had. "What would Kyrio do with my music boxes or my dollies? Kyrio is so mean!" She was right to think that. Kyrio only respected their father and only because their father was ready to give him the world. Kyrio was the epitome of an arrogant spoiled brat especially after their mother had died. Kayura felt in her heart that Kyrio would grow to be an evil man. She consistently took the opposite side of anything they would talk about. Their sense of sibling rivalry was beyond a sensible proportion; it was a deadly extreme.
Kayura sighed again, this time in defeat. She didn't know what to do. Her little brain was tired of thinking. She finally decided to do as her father said and hope for the best. This decided, Kayura slid off the bed and walked down the hall to dinner. The dinner that night would be a private affair. Only the family members and servants would be able to attend and the servants only to bring the food. After they served, the food, they left as well. The family would be left to their goodbyes. Kayura ate in silence. She answered questions asked of her in short simple answers and ate little of the food placed in front of her. Kayura wasn't hungry, she wasn't talkative, and she wasn't very happy. After she had finished eating all that she would eat, Kayura got up from the table and went to her room. She fell asleep as her head hit the pillow.
The next morning, Kayura boarded the spaceship "Akanya" which means despair in one of the many languages spoken on their planet. Kayura sulked in the single passenger ship all alone until they reached the academy. The passage was a long and boring one in which Kayura often fell asleep. The Crimena Military Academy was a 13-hour flight from her home world of Alimara to the far off moon in a neighboring system.
In the way as most common to young children, Kayura forgot both boredom and anger as she saw her first glimpse of the academy. As the moments wore on, she couldn’t help but peer through the window as she saw ships docking and loading supplies at the academy’s docking bay. Things were busy here, never stopping, running more quickly than at the palace where a day would pass in a long monotonous uniformity, everyday like the one before, always predictable never changing, since her mother’s death anyway. Kayura had heard tales of the days when her mother was alive and wished she could remember them. Even though only a year had gone by, she had begun to forget. The gleam of metal buildings brought Kayura back again from memories long past. Her excitement mounted as she sat there on her knees, hands clasped to the window seal as she tried to watch for people at the academy. Questions formed in her mind as to what was about to happen in her life. Would she have friends? Was the food any good? Would they welcome her with a special committee? She was their Princess after all.
Kayura’s excitement level grew to the state of anticipation. There was a slight jar when the ship finished docking, but Kayura didn’t care as she was already on her way out the door. The instant the ship landed, she jumped out and ran inside. She stopped. No one was around. No one had come to greet her. The silence of the white walls reverberated around her. She started to walk around nervously trying to take in the disciplined setting she had been placed in. Her footsteps echoed through the academy as she searched for a sign of life. The place seemed deserted, void, without life…
She looked at the doors as she passed by them “TG-126; TG-127; TG-128…â€
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Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
Okay, good. It felt a little more roughly planned than the first chapter, but it had good visuals. It's slow 'child's perspective' pace is in much contrast to Ch. 1's extreme tension so, that can be used to your advantage. My only real suggestion is to make Kayura a little older. Children just begin to learn the alphabet at age 5, so reading door numbers would be an exceptional feat If she's a mentally gifted child, make a point of saying so, otherwise, I'd bump her age up to six, maybe even a comfortable seven (this would also seem a better age for beginning martial arts). But I like Kayura's logic and the whole 'pout' thing. She is very believable and entertaining. 
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Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
I haven't gotten around to heavily editing the 2nd chapter the way I had the first. I'll get there. I decided to hold off any more actual editing until I finish. To answer the whole 5 year old thing, kids are learning this faster and more indepth as the years go by. 2nd graders are learning things right now that I didn't learn until the 5th grade. I figure in about 1,000 yrs, they'll all know they're numbers and letters, but yes Kayura is an extremely fast learner. You'll be able to tell as the chapters go on. I just didn't want to reveal to much at one time. Come on, you have to be a genius to take over the entire galaxy by age 20.
*big grin* Thanks for all of your input!!! Next chap. up soon.
*big grin* Thanks for all of your input!!! Next chap. up soon.
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Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
Okay, true, taking over the galaxy at twenty....
sure will!!!!! Thanks for the tip! Chapter 3 now!
Well half of it at least. This is as far as I've gotten. I hope to write somemore later tonight.
Chp. 3
Year: 3915
Kayura’s body was draped across Kamlyn’s lap as he held her unconscious body close to himself. He lightly touched his hand to her forehead to find that she was burning with fever. He knew at once that she must have some form of medical attention as soon as possible. He stood, adjusting himself to be able to carry her without any further problems and walked to the door. He was worried about her. She was not herself. He didn’t know if her sickness was the problem or if the sickness had been brought on by something else. He looked at the key pad beside the door. Only Kayura knew the access code for the cell, but on the other hand there was a finger print validation screen directly above the key pad. Kamlyn lifted Kayura’s hand and pressed it onto the screen. A green light flashed and the door opened with a slight hiss.
He carried her to her room and laid her down on her bed. He got a wet washcloth and laid it on Kayura’s forehead. It had been so long since he had been in this part of the palace. It must have been nearly 5 years ago he said good-bye. What had he done to her? Was everything his fault? Could he have done something, or changed anything to keep this fate from happening?
He knew...
There had been plenty of things he could have done to help keep her from going over the edge, to keep her from spilling so much blood and to keep her as she once was. Instead, he allowed fear to come into their true love and he ran away. 'Running away never solved any problems, it only made bigger ones.' An ironic smile touched his lips momentarily as he realized how true it was. Old clichés, he thought, how true they seem to be...
He reached across and removed a strand of hair from Kayura’s cheek. She seemed to be doing better. He breathed a sigh of relief. If anything had happened to her, he would never forgive himself. He gazed at her face. She was as pale as a porcelain doll. She always was this light-skinned because she refused to tan. He laughed to himself. Always going against the grain, that was Kayura. An image of her flashed before his eyes. It was a memory of the first time he had visited the palace. The sight of her emerald eyes and the burgundy of her dress was burned into his mind. This picture was the way he would always remember her.
He would always regret what had happened between the two of them.
________________________________________________
YEAR: 3900
Kayura sat alone on her bed. She frowned and started picking at a loose string on the sheets. She was so lonely. Her roommate had yet to come by and introduce herself. Before General Tuneha had left, he had instructed her to stay in the room until someone could show her around.
She sat for what seemed like hours when finally a young woman came into the room.
"Hello, my name is Eolanda," she said. "Shall I give you the tour of the compound?"
Kayura nodded her head and slid off of the bed.
“Well then let’s go,â€
Well half of it at least. This is as far as I've gotten. I hope to write somemore later tonight.
Chp. 3
Year: 3915
Kayura’s body was draped across Kamlyn’s lap as he held her unconscious body close to himself. He lightly touched his hand to her forehead to find that she was burning with fever. He knew at once that she must have some form of medical attention as soon as possible. He stood, adjusting himself to be able to carry her without any further problems and walked to the door. He was worried about her. She was not herself. He didn’t know if her sickness was the problem or if the sickness had been brought on by something else. He looked at the key pad beside the door. Only Kayura knew the access code for the cell, but on the other hand there was a finger print validation screen directly above the key pad. Kamlyn lifted Kayura’s hand and pressed it onto the screen. A green light flashed and the door opened with a slight hiss.
He carried her to her room and laid her down on her bed. He got a wet washcloth and laid it on Kayura’s forehead. It had been so long since he had been in this part of the palace. It must have been nearly 5 years ago he said good-bye. What had he done to her? Was everything his fault? Could he have done something, or changed anything to keep this fate from happening?
He knew...
There had been plenty of things he could have done to help keep her from going over the edge, to keep her from spilling so much blood and to keep her as she once was. Instead, he allowed fear to come into their true love and he ran away. 'Running away never solved any problems, it only made bigger ones.' An ironic smile touched his lips momentarily as he realized how true it was. Old clichés, he thought, how true they seem to be...
He reached across and removed a strand of hair from Kayura’s cheek. She seemed to be doing better. He breathed a sigh of relief. If anything had happened to her, he would never forgive himself. He gazed at her face. She was as pale as a porcelain doll. She always was this light-skinned because she refused to tan. He laughed to himself. Always going against the grain, that was Kayura. An image of her flashed before his eyes. It was a memory of the first time he had visited the palace. The sight of her emerald eyes and the burgundy of her dress was burned into his mind. This picture was the way he would always remember her.
He would always regret what had happened between the two of them.
________________________________________________
YEAR: 3900
Kayura sat alone on her bed. She frowned and started picking at a loose string on the sheets. She was so lonely. Her roommate had yet to come by and introduce herself. Before General Tuneha had left, he had instructed her to stay in the room until someone could show her around.
She sat for what seemed like hours when finally a young woman came into the room.
"Hello, my name is Eolanda," she said. "Shall I give you the tour of the compound?"
Kayura nodded her head and slid off of the bed.
“Well then let’s go,â€
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Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
There are some definite strengths to your writing. You have some very nice descriptive writing, especially in the opening few paragraphs of the first chapter. The beginning of the story establishes a very strong gothic feel. The tone is dark (your descriptions of Kayura as an adult are positively dripping with angst) but that seems to be what you were aiming for. Also, Kayura does make an interesting character, to say the least.
The following comment I make simply as an observation, not as a negative critique per se: I find the worst enemy/best friend relationship between Kayura and Kamlyn incredibly disturbing, less in the fact that he is described as being her enemy as well as her friend as in the idea of Kayura keeping someone about whom she obviously cares deeply imprisoned. Whether I find this believable or not will depend on what you do with the account of the events leading up to this state of affairs. Is it safe to assume that you will, in fact, be relating the account of the growing relationship between these two people?
I personally would like to see longer story-units with less frequent shifting among time periods. While the broad span of time covered in this story makes some sort of shifting a practical necessity, the extreme frequency with which it occurs gives the story thus far a rather fragmented feel. That said, please do not feel pressured to change your story due to my comments; I merely offer this as a suggestion.
The following comment I make simply as an observation, not as a negative critique per se: I find the worst enemy/best friend relationship between Kayura and Kamlyn incredibly disturbing, less in the fact that he is described as being her enemy as well as her friend as in the idea of Kayura keeping someone about whom she obviously cares deeply imprisoned. Whether I find this believable or not will depend on what you do with the account of the events leading up to this state of affairs. Is it safe to assume that you will, in fact, be relating the account of the growing relationship between these two people?
I personally would like to see longer story-units with less frequent shifting among time periods. While the broad span of time covered in this story makes some sort of shifting a practical necessity, the extreme frequency with which it occurs gives the story thus far a rather fragmented feel. That said, please do not feel pressured to change your story due to my comments; I merely offer this as a suggestion.
Let others believe in the God who brings men to trial and judges them. I shall cling to the God who resurrects the dead.
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
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Kaori - Posts: 1463
- Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:48 pm
- Location: 一羽の鳥が弧を描いてゆく
I agree with Kaori's comments in respect to the pacing of the story shifts. The one in particular I think of is the first meeting of Kayura and Kamlyn. I beleive you should carry the initial meeting a little farther so we can get a good feel for their relationships right off, then you can shift to seven years later to show how the relationship progressed.
But as for the love/hate relationship, I don't find it disturbing. Kayura is a princess, she's used to getting what she wants. I can only guess what has happened between them, but I suspect Kamlyn refused to give her the love or comitment she desired and in her pride and anger, passed down this punishment upon him, despite her love. Even if that's not what happened, it's a possible scenario which allows the love/hate to make sense, and explain the bitter state of Kayura'a anguish. That is what I, as the audience suspects, until the author either confirms or denies it in the telling of the story.
But as for the love/hate relationship, I don't find it disturbing. Kayura is a princess, she's used to getting what she wants. I can only guess what has happened between them, but I suspect Kamlyn refused to give her the love or comitment she desired and in her pride and anger, passed down this punishment upon him, despite her love. Even if that's not what happened, it's a possible scenario which allows the love/hate to make sense, and explain the bitter state of Kayura'a anguish. That is what I, as the audience suspects, until the author either confirms or denies it in the telling of the story.
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Esoteric - Posts: 1603
- Joined: Sun Aug 22, 2004 1:12 pm
- Location: The Lost Room.
It would take much more than that for Kayura to imprison Kamlyn, but you'll see as I write more. I have a reason for the fragmentation as well. When you look back on your life and try to remember things from when you were a child, can you remember every detail? As Kayura gets older, her memories will become clearer and longer and yes, kamlyn does do something in which kayura has no choice to imprision him.
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Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
Ok next section is edited versio of the last half of three and the rest of three: (gomen for the double post)
Kayura looked in awe as they passed through the halls. This place is bigger than the palace, she thought. As she gazed at the ceiling being guided by Eolanda’s firm grasp, something obstructed her path, knocking her off of her feet. She snapped out of her trance as her rear hit the floor.
“Ow!â€
Kayura looked in awe as they passed through the halls. This place is bigger than the palace, she thought. As she gazed at the ceiling being guided by Eolanda’s firm grasp, something obstructed her path, knocking her off of her feet. She snapped out of her trance as her rear hit the floor.
“Ow!â€
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Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
Well, it is evident that Kayura's personality changes quite a bit over the years. I will be interested in seeing how you continue to develop her as a character.
Let others believe in the God who brings men to trial and judges them. I shall cling to the God who resurrects the dead.
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
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Kaori - Posts: 1463
- Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:48 pm
- Location: 一羽の鳥が弧を描いてゆく
I'm going to write some more this weekend I promise...
Gone till sunday...
-formerly misao
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
"We all go through times in life that shape who we become. These experiences become ingraind on our subconcious mind and cause us to grow stronger and wiser, or the force us into wekaness and foolishness. It is from the experiences that we learn to love life or to hate it. Ultimately, we have the choice."
-formerly misao
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
"We all go through times in life that shape who we become. These experiences become ingraind on our subconcious mind and cause us to grow stronger and wiser, or the force us into wekaness and foolishness. It is from the experiences that we learn to love life or to hate it. Ultimately, we have the choice."
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Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
2nd part of chapter 4 first draft:
Eolanda walked into the classroom noticing that Kamlyn and Kayura were not talking the way they normally would. She made a mental note of this and moved on to prepare for the day’s assignment. This was a strategy class. The students were to learn how to do basic strategy and how to rely on their gut instinct. The assignment she had for them would definitely surprise them. It was more of a game really than an assignment.
“Ok class, today we’re going to start something new. You are going to use all of the strategies you’ve learned so far to try and outwit each other in a little game I like to call ‘Gotcha.’â€
Eolanda walked into the classroom noticing that Kamlyn and Kayura were not talking the way they normally would. She made a mental note of this and moved on to prepare for the day’s assignment. This was a strategy class. The students were to learn how to do basic strategy and how to rely on their gut instinct. The assignment she had for them would definitely surprise them. It was more of a game really than an assignment.
“Ok class, today we’re going to start something new. You are going to use all of the strategies you’ve learned so far to try and outwit each other in a little game I like to call ‘Gotcha.’â€
Gone till sunday...
-formerly misao
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
"We all go through times in life that shape who we become. These experiences become ingraind on our subconcious mind and cause us to grow stronger and wiser, or the force us into wekaness and foolishness. It is from the experiences that we learn to love life or to hate it. Ultimately, we have the choice."
-formerly misao
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
"We all go through times in life that shape who we become. These experiences become ingraind on our subconcious mind and cause us to grow stronger and wiser, or the force us into wekaness and foolishness. It is from the experiences that we learn to love life or to hate it. Ultimately, we have the choice."
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Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
Though I am still reading, I have nothing particular to add at the moment except that the dialogue and reactions of the characters in this chapter are fairly plausible.
The relevance of this question may not seem intuitively obvious, but have you ever heard of or played the game Assassins?
The relevance of this question may not seem intuitively obvious, but have you ever heard of or played the game Assassins?
Let others believe in the God who brings men to trial and judges them. I shall cling to the God who resurrects the dead.
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-
Kaori - Posts: 1463
- Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:48 pm
- Location: 一羽の鳥が弧を描いてゆく
actually now that I'm going, we probably won't be returning to the present for quite sometime.
No, I've never played the game assassins. I just drew from real life for this game. We're playing "gotcha" for one of our intramurals for college. It's going to be fun.
No, I've never played the game assassins. I just drew from real life for this game. We're playing "gotcha" for one of our intramurals for college. It's going to be fun.
Gone till sunday...
-formerly misao
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
"We all go through times in life that shape who we become. These experiences become ingraind on our subconcious mind and cause us to grow stronger and wiser, or the force us into wekaness and foolishness. It is from the experiences that we learn to love life or to hate it. Ultimately, we have the choice."
-formerly misao
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
"We all go through times in life that shape who we become. These experiences become ingraind on our subconcious mind and cause us to grow stronger and wiser, or the force us into wekaness and foolishness. It is from the experiences that we learn to love life or to hate it. Ultimately, we have the choice."
-
Ryoko - Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: denver
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