The Hunters - Need help on this

[skynes]

This is something I started writing a couple of nights back and I need a hand from people who write a lot.

I'm deliberately not telling the plot or an intro or anything because I want you to tell me what your first impressions are without them being biased with what I'm intending to convey. I find it helps me more than just saying what I'm trying to do.

It's a first draft, with no proof reading as yet. I'm more concerned with how people pick up characters n stuff than my spelling and grammar (which I know is bad )
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The Hunters.


In a top secret military installation in the middle of nowhere, a group of scientists and soldiers were called together to work on some new military project. From the leaflet we got it’s about a combat suit.

I looked around the room and recognised a few familiar faces from my home town.

Sera Otagawa, specialist in laser weaponry, she recently developed a form of laser sword, only problem being it heated up so much it burnt the hand of anyone who tried to hold it. Her family legacy is one of martial arts, don’t hit on her, not if you want to have children…

Robert Stevenson aka ‘Landslide’ don’t know why he’s here. All he was ever good at was blowing stuff up! Big heavy built guy, very dark skinned. He was always really big though.

Peter and Paddy O’Reilly, aka the ‘Burn brothers’. These brothers are specialists in chemicals and created a new form of napalm, which is now used in cleansing missions, hence where they got their name from. A couple of real hotheads, and I’m not just referring to their bright red hair.

Michael Anderson, another military guy, a real sharpshooter. Noone has mastered firearms the way he has, if it can be shot, he can use it. To look at him you wouldn’t think much of him though, quite scrawny.

Then there’s myself, I suppose I was invited here due to my creation of a new metal alloy – Veganium. As strong as titanium, yet as easy to produce and use as common steel. I can also see why they brought the others here too…

…however, I don’t understand why some are here. There’s a couple of developers of AI. Another couple of robotics engineers. What do they have to do with a suit of armour? I’m certain I also seen a couple of programmers too.


General Kane stepped onto the stage in front of everyone, He’s an old man now, famous for so many successful campaigns, now all he has is a desk job. Grey hair, grey moustache and beard with a chest bursting with medals. Perfect definition of the stereotype Military General.

Speaking in a gruff voice he calls the place to order. “Thank you all for comingâ€

[Magekind]

Amusing, very promising. Your character assortment is rather typical, but good. a nice sense of tension and suspense.

[skynes]

I had thought it was typical too, and it seems to be developing a little 'cheesily', but I'm not sure how to get around it.

[Magekind]

There's one good way: Think it through. Even a cheesy story, if you make sure everything has a purpose and fulfill that purpose.

[skynes]

I'm going to rewrite quite a bit of what I have and change the focus of it. I won't do anything tonight (its 10pm already), but when I do ill post it and u can tell me what u think of my changes.

[Esoteric]

Hmm, yes, changing the focus sounds like a good idea. I enjoyed the sarcastic tone of the main character (who needs a name). I think you should built on the character relations and give the important characters good/intriguing reasons for deciding to work on this project, because I can't see all of them wanting to participate for the challenge... or the money, for that matter.

Also, I'd be a little surprised if they already had a blueprint drawn. I mean, isn't THIS the development team? I would expect instead that they have a list of requirements/capabilites they want this suit to fullfill. It would take form based on it's functions, and you could present this developing 'form' as menacing or benigne as you write, depending on what your plans are.

Either way, I'm curious to read the changes.

[skynes]

The changes will be rather drastic and extreme. Had a convo with a good friend from another forum and from the stuff we were both throwing up I've come up with a setting and focus that will be quite different yet still able to use what I've written.

General new outline:

Those main characters are mercenaries for hire, hired by the military to go into a city theyve lost all contact with, all troops sent inside went missing. All they do know was that a prototype cyborg by the name of Alpha Dominator was in development. The Hunters (mercenary team name) were called in to go in and find out what was happening.

Sound a bit better?

[Esoteric]

It sounds well, very familiar, but it also sounds closer to where I think you were headed in the first story... that is, a showdown between these experts and the Dominator. I think as long as you make a good strong effort to break away from the current cliches of this type of story, it will turn out well.

[skynes]

Give me some of the cliches, so I know what to steer away from.

First off, eleminating one lciche. there will be no lovey dovey stuff in this. None of the hero falling for the girl then having to save her. I'm avoiding that like the plague... lol

[Esoteric]

Yeah, that's a big one right there. Good, avoid the mandatory b-movie romance. For others... let's see.

Well, every now and then I'll watch one of these original SciFi channels movies. If you ever have too, you'll notice they're all the same. Character lists are almost identical.
The hero...a talented, independant and quirky person who usually gets roped into saving the day. The lead female, usually a top scientist or military officer role who's always with him, engaging in mindless banter and...the mandatory romance.
Then there's the rest of the crew or expedition...expendable fodder for whatever monster the group is up against. Often there' an authoritive skeptic among the crowd, always nagging or criticizing the hero's deductions.

Typical plot as follows. People start disappearing. The crew identify the threat, fight back, flee after losses. They come up with some plan either to escape or to kill the monster. They have a few more dangerous enounters. Frequently someone who was thought to be dead shows up just at the right moment to save the hero. Or, just when he the hero is about to die, he sees a lever or a hook that he uses to ensnare the monster, thus follows victory. I'm sure you know what i'm talking about.

But i think if you avoid character cliche's, you'll avoid plot cliche's. Shallow character yield shallow plots. Complex characters yield complex plots because the characters have unique nuiances that shape their actions. Then, even if the character actually ends up doing something a bit cliche, it won't seem cheesy because it was clearly based on his knowledge and psychology. It will feel like the natural result of putting that particular character in that situation. I uh, hope that helps...

[skynes]

Actually that helps a lot. Thanx. I knew most of them, but it's good to have it in front of me.

The main guy, I wasn't figuring to be roped in, but hired.
Semi-independant, yet knows his limitations and won't hesitate to call in one of the team who specialises in that area.
Not really quirky, sortof cold, but not a mean evil coldness, just a 'I know my job and what is required and I will do it' type, if that makes sense.

There will be NO romance between the main guy and the lead female. None whatsoever. A bit of rivalry perhaps but no romance at all.

[tirshek]

I thnk you have a good thing going there, I don't have any ideas to add to what you have been told allready so I will wait till you have some more for Us to work with.

[skynes]

I have quite a bit more for you to work with now

“Another day, another missionâ€

[skynes]

There is a mention of BT in here. BT stands for British Telecom and is the biggest Telephone company in the UK

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It was less than a week after getting back when a communication came through for Vegas, who was currently polishing his armour.

“Commander, you have an incomming transmission, it’s General Kane.â€

[Esoteric]

Okay, lots of changes. Where to start?

I'll start with the 'technical'. The story begins in past tense, shifts to present tense, then shifts between present perfect tense and present imperfect tense once or twice. You need to pick a tense and stick with it. Past tense is recomended. There were also some mispelled or incorrect words, and a couple of questions lacking question marks.

Now to the story. You picked a good, standard way to intro your characters: show them working together during a mission. That works. BUt I think you should take a little more time to introduce the the current age of technology. There was hardly any mention of their gear, except for right when they used it, which kinda gave the feeling of, "Ha ah, I have just the thing for that!" That's an exageration, but you get the point, it seemed too convenient. Their general cockiness lended itself to this feeling as well. I know your goal was to illustrate a stardard mission in which their gear and experience allow them to master, but they did come off a bit larger than life. I suggest toning down their attitudes, just a little.
But in general I liked the characters. I particularily enjoyed Landslide...taking pictures of his handiwork.. it's just the sort of guy you'd expect on such a team.
I remember one spot with Vegas that bothered me though. At first, he's going to let Roberto live. Then after Roberto's attack, he changes his mind and says, "I don't do mercy." Well, then why didn't he kill Roberto to begin with? I know you mention he didn't kill at first because Roberto wasn't worth it, but it still felt 'merciful'. We know Vegas has some kinder emotions from the next scene where the girl and her father are reunited. They're just buried most of the time. I suggest you change Vegas' line to reflect, that he specifically doesn't show mercy to people who do underhanded things.

You've definitely been trying to improve this story though, and it shows. Keep working and I'll keep reading.

[skynes]

First off - Tenses. It doesn't start with Past Tense, or at least I hadn't intended it to. It's 90% present tense, except when thinking back to something that has happened, i.e. Getting their mission, parents killed etc.

Introducing the tech isn't something I have thought of, but I will modify this to show the technology they have.

Landslide is cool. Though my favourites are turning out to be the Twins. Going to be quite funny those 3.

Point taken on Vegas' line to Roberto. I shall change that to more along the lines of your suggestion.

I'm glad you picked up the kinder emotions and that he burys them. It's an important thing to know.

[Esoteric]

Hehe, I'm sorry, maybe I should have clarified what I meant by the various tenses.

Vegas walked into the room = past tense
Vegas walks into the room = present perfect tense
Vegas is walking into the room = present imperfect tense

Those were the three tenses I noticed throughout the story. And yes you're correct, past tense is appropriate for flashbacks/remembering something, even if the story is being written in present tense.

[tirshek]

I have to agree with Esoteric on this one. Good story a little trouble with Spelling but easily fixed. hmmm I must be slow cause seems he said everything I would have so I look forward to your next installment. Keep it up you are doing a Great job.

[skynes]

Here's my update. Taking into account as many responses as I can remember. Instead of posting just the changes, I'm reposting the whole thing.

“Another day, another missionâ€

[skynes]

Vegas shouts at them from the entrance to Glyder, a high-tech combat jet, which is also their main transport. “If it’s ok with you two, I’d like to get going home now.â€

[Esoteric]

Better! I like the changes you made to dialogue and character relationships. The armor descriptions helped a lot. There are still some grammar issues, but those can be fixed later. On to the next mission....

[skynes]

I failed English at high school..... badly. Which is probably the main reason why my tenses and general grammar are atrocious. Grammar I notice, Tenses I don't

[Esoteric]

See, I'm just the opposite. I did great in English, but got a D in Trig. Don't ask me to check your algebra...<runs away> An editor can help you with that stuff though, so don't let it keep you from writing stories.

[skynes]

haha I'm the opposite! I can do most algebra and trig in my head! I'm not letting my bad English worry me, that's what proofreaders are for

Would you think the story is worth continuing?

[mastersquirrel]

Hey skynes, I've just read over your story and I must say that you've done well. Yes, the grammer could use touching up, but I understand it's sometimes hard to catch that (I'm actually writing a story myself so I sould know.)

I agree that your characters are memorable, the relationships are more evident, and the armor descriptions helpful. I was just thinking about how different your style of description of how others are feeling such as, "He turns to the girl tied up, who is very freaked out." was a little odd. I'm not saying it's bad or anything, it's just not what I usually see.
Anyway, keep it up, I'm looking forward to your nest installment.

EDIT: I for one would like to see you continue with your storyif you're enjoying writing it. If you ditch it now you'll never know where it could have gone. I think there is potential here, and if you're enjoying writing this story, by all means continue, I'll read it.