She stands in shadows,
Holding a blood-red rose.
She trusted in love again,
Only to have her heart broken.
Silently she cries,
As he confesses the lies.
Worn, used,
Torn and abused.
She berates herself for wasting her time,
For a man who commited an unforgivable crime.
All she had sacrificed, all she had lost,
Gone just to be covered by this merciless frost.
'I'm sorry' says he,
But dosen't he see?
Beaten and broken,
By the words he hath spoken,
Slowly he walks away,
Nothing more to say.
She drops the rose to the floor,
Never to love any more.
Does anyone have any critiqing to do? even if you don't like it let me know! Please!
Rose
10 posts •
Page 1 of 1
Rose
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
Come on Anyone? *Cries*
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
I like it. It tells a sad story, but I like it. ^_^
[color=RoyalBlue]@)}~`,~ [/color]Carry this rose in your signature as thanks to Inkhana, for all she has done for us in the past.Even though she is no longer a moderator, she has done an awful lot for us while she was and she deserves thanks. ^_^
- TheMelodyMaker
- Posts: 1904
- Joined: Sun Jul 20, 2003 10:13 pm
At the very end of your poem, you have used a double negative: "Never to love no more." It should be, "Never to love any more." Or possibly you can write it in a different way, "Nor to love, any more." Or, you get the point. You just can't use double negatives.
However, this is not an insult on your writing ability. It's very good and well laid out. It just needs a little work.
However, this is not an insult on your writing ability. It's very good and well laid out. It just needs a little work.
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
-
true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Mahalo plenty! That's the kind of critiquing I need! Now is that more correct? *Does a happy dance*
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
[Worn used, torn and abused.]
You needed a comma between worn and used.
You need to correct the misspelled, "hte" in the second to the last line. It's spelled, "the" - of which you knew.
I'd like you to spend some time not reading this and in a week write something more. Play with metaphors and see what comes out. It's good the way it is, but it can be even better. You've thought out the structure well. I'm the worse in poetry, so I can't comment on actual timing, like: iambic pentameters and stuff. Sorry, I hope it helps some.
You needed a comma between worn and used.
You need to correct the misspelled, "hte" in the second to the last line. It's spelled, "the" - of which you knew.
I'd like you to spend some time not reading this and in a week write something more. Play with metaphors and see what comes out. It's good the way it is, but it can be even better. You've thought out the structure well. I'm the worse in poetry, so I can't comment on actual timing, like: iambic pentameters and stuff. Sorry, I hope it helps some.
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
-
true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
See that's the thing, rhyme and rythm I got good but grammer and spelloing. . . Oo
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
Spellcheck might work I don't like to show my stuff to teachers tho >= D
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
Why not? Some teachers can be cool. 
Of course, some teachers can really crush creativity - like my son's art teacher. Hummm. There's two great little books that every writer should have: The Elements of Grammar by Margaret Shertzer, and The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. And then there is also, the Word program you use when you write. There are other good books that I use, but these are basic necessity texts. Although, I don't really use them when I'm writing these type of posts - maybe I should
But... I always struggle with grammar - an ADHD problem.
It's great to know God doesn't care about these minor details - ey? He loves you the way you are.
Hope you keep writing poetry.
Of course, some teachers can really crush creativity - like my son's art teacher. Hummm. There's two great little books that every writer should have: The Elements of Grammar by Margaret Shertzer, and The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. And then there is also, the Word program you use when you write. There are other good books that I use, but these are basic necessity texts. Although, I don't really use them when I'm writing these type of posts - maybe I should
But... I always struggle with grammar - an ADHD problem.
It's great to know God doesn't care about these minor details - ey? He loves you the way you are.
Hope you keep writing poetry.
[size=84][color=seagreen]YOU SEE
You see into the deepest part of me ---
beyond the fog I hide behind.
You cast your light upon the shadows
that stretch like cobwebs in my mind.
You ease the pain when I am hurting,
and morbid visions from my past
pierce into the realm of Reason
as though I danced on blades of glass.
You grant me strength when I have fallen
and, once again, I've lost my way.
You take my hand in Yours and lead me
into the promise of a brand new day.
You bring order to all my chaos,
yet set my well-laid plans awry.
You place me on a firm foundation ---
then give me wings so I can fly.
You sand away my roughened edges
and polish all the dullest parts
until I stand before Your presence...
a newly-sculpted work of art.
You see into the heart within me,
right through my motives and selfish will.
And yet, in spite of all You see
You say You love me even still.
~by D.M.~
[/color][/size]
-
true_noir_chloe - Posts: 3091
- Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: Where Tex-Mex is the best! ^_____^
Thank you
Save Eliot!
I used to be Lain Iwakura but then the voices told me it was too hard to pronounce, so I changed it to Murphy. *Beam*
"i dun wanna be, i dun wanna be me,
i dun wanna be, me anymore. (chorus)
they were throwing at his home,
two glass houses
twenty stones,
fourteen yellow,
six all blue,
could it be worse?
quite doubtful.
(chorus)
two steps forward,
three steps back,
without warning heart attack,
he fell asleep in the snow,
never woke up,
died alone.
(chorus)
please don't dress in black
when you're at his wake
don't go there to mourn
but to celebrate (x2)
(chorus-till end)" -Type O Negative
-
Murphy - Posts: 170
- Joined: Thu Sep 18, 2003 5:00 am
- Location: Beyond the Mysterious Beyond
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