Need a little help

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Need a little help

Postby shadowblade » Tue Sep 21, 2004 2:06 pm

I wanted to know what you guys think of this piece. I wrote it during class when I should have been paying attention, so I figured I might as well get some feedback on it. And please don't go easy on me; be completely honest, 'kay? Thanks! :D

Unspoken
Dig deeper the hole
Burrow into my soul
What was whole
Is now cold
Because I won't let it be told
My love never unfold
Burning flames of old
Hearts were sold
Feelings mold
To bitterness, this I foretold
Perhaps my soul froze
Perhaps my heart closed
No seeds sown
No feelings grown
Because such love have I disowned

Proud Member of the Challengers Guild ^_^

Life is not about us using God for our purposes, but about Him using us for His purposes.

Faith is not creating a false reality, but acknowledging God's promises for us.

The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones your clinging to
Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view
And take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of the dreams I dream for you
-Avalon

[color=Navy]Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened.
Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy...
Ted: But what if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?
-Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure[/color]
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Postby Ssjjvash » Tue Sep 21, 2004 3:10 pm

That's pretty good. I see nothing wrong with it really. It seems a little sad, but then a lot of poetry is sad--the emotion sad, I mean. ^_^
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone
And so hold on when there is nothing left in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!' ...you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling


Satan, bite the dust!Image

"You are not who your mistakes say you are; you are not the sum of your failures!"---Rev. Billy Miller

Proverbs 18:24
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Postby Mr. SmartyPants » Tue Sep 21, 2004 3:24 pm

really good! I like it!
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Postby shadowblade » Fri Sep 24, 2004 6:17 pm

Thanks a bunch for replying to my poem and helping me out! :)

Proud Member of the Challengers Guild ^_^

Life is not about us using God for our purposes, but about Him using us for His purposes.

Faith is not creating a false reality, but acknowledging God's promises for us.

The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones your clinging to
Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view
And take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of the dreams I dream for you
-Avalon

[color=Navy]Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened.
Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy...
Ted: But what if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?
-Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure[/color]
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shadowblade
 
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:20 am
Location: Lost in my own imagination
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Postby Jaltus-bot » Fri Sep 24, 2004 10:05 pm

"Are you going to soon post more?"
She hoped there might be some in store
When I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Asdvadz hedut ullah! (W. Armenian, "May God bless you!")

It's cosplay, get used to it.

"A hero need not speak. For when he is gone, the world will speak for him."

"One of the nice things about diseases of the brain is they tend to slip your mind." Colbert
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Postby Icarus » Sun Sep 26, 2004 8:54 pm

It's nice, though there seems to be something wrong with the line

>>My love never unfold.

Is it addressing some one?
The Forsworn War of 34

††
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Postby shadowblade » Mon Sep 27, 2004 7:55 am

That line really wasn't talking about a person. Never really noticed that it could be. I was talking more about love never taking form. Does it fit right? Do you think I worded it incorrectly?

Proud Member of the Challengers Guild ^_^

Life is not about us using God for our purposes, but about Him using us for His purposes.

Faith is not creating a false reality, but acknowledging God's promises for us.

The dreams I dream for you
Are deeper than the ones your clinging to
Let the old dreams die
Like stars that fade from view
And take the cup I offer
And drink deeply of the dreams I dream for you
-Avalon

[color=Navy]Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened.
Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy...
Ted: But what if we were lying?
Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?
-Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure[/color]
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shadowblade
 
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:20 am
Location: Lost in my own imagination
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