Wife walked out on me

[Bobtheduck]

I don't know how much detail I have the energy to even get into right now, but my wife... She has a problem. Either her hormones are WAY out of wack, or she is Bipolar. She is anti-doctor and VERY anti-medicine, so she won't see a doctor about it. When she's in her rage states, she doesn't see it that way. She exaggerates the situation so that everyone who has disagreed with her is doing horrible things, and twists words to an extreme degree. She has very violent moodswings (The day before yesterday, she was perfectly happy and pleasant, and yesterday she went on a vicious attack against several people) and she finally just left. (EDIT note: By violent, I mean drastic. She has not physically harmed anyone)

I'm not sure where she went. I honestly hope she went back to Korea, because my nephew is financially responsible for her, so if she does something like pulls out loans or tries to get an apartment, it's his responsibility if she doesn't pay.

I know you are probably thinking "Shouldn't you be wishing she'd come back" Honestly... Not anymore. Since monday last week, I've experienced her rage every other day, and her tendency to viciously tear down anyone who got in her way (me most prominently, but lots of bystanders too) I'm exhausted and drained from it. If she comes back, it will just be more of the same until she gets her physical problem taken care of. I can't deal with the venom, especially not with grad school to think about. And... of course a person is more important than grad school, but I just don't have the ability to help this situation at all.

Last week wasn't the first time I experienced her rage states. From November until April, her rages were very frequent, and they were also frequent when we first got married. We had two periods of general peace. One when I was working in Shiheung, and one very recently until last week. If I could get the wife I had from those two periods back, I would be a very happy man.

[MrKrillz0r]

Ouch, praying!

[Atria35]

Praying.

[Neane]

Praying.

[Wind]

wow thats intense if you need anyone to talk to I am here just hit me up with a PM I had my own personal experiences with people like that. so I can completely sympathize with it. Also, praying for you too.

[goldenspines]

Yeah, so, I apologize in advance for my harshness, but from how you're talking, you don't know about Koreans....Korean women are known for being very "harsh" and brutally honest (despite being so close to Japan, they tend to echo the opposite of their behavior). That's part of their culture.

I am sorry for the pain you've experienced and I'm praying that things will work out for you.
Though, honestly, from the circumstances, it seems like she was experiencing major culture shock and not being able to adjust out of her "Korean" self to live happily in the US and with you. Culture shock can get really bad, so it's hardly a surprise she started seeming mentally off (most likely, meds would have not fixed it, unless she had this problem before you met her). I hope she returned to Korea as well for her sake.

[bloodfang]

often time people see them selves as blameless until the actual see how they act.
my prayers are with you

[Sheenar]

I'm sorry to hear, friend. That is rough. I will be praying.

[Bobtheduck]

(most likely, meds would have not fixed it, unless she had this problem before you met her).

Yes, she had it before. No, this isn't the normal Korean thing. She was absolutely hateful and calculating. She tore down everyone around her, she lied at every step, and she has done this over and over, even in Korea with other Koreans. I got some comments about the way she was acting before we got married, but I sort of dismissed it, but I've seen her horribly violent mood swings... This isn't normal. This isn't Korean culture. She has a problem. (EDIT note: By violent, I mean drastic. She has not physically harmed anyone.)

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but even those people that she's torn down recently had before tried to downplay it. Once they saw the way she would treat anyone who ever suggested she was wrong about anything, or that she should be flexible, and she tore them down. One person had a very tragic history that she exploited in attacking her simply because this woman asked her to be flexible. A woman that she had called her friend simply said that she should not demand money back, particularly when it was something we weren't involved in, and she called her stingy and selfish. This woman had spent money and time to help her learn to drive, and she said "You were too stingy to take me out on the freeway." I've been in the car with my wife. I know she wasn't ready for the freeway. She crashed into a curb because she didn't know what she was doing. She wasn't used to the car.

This isn't Korean culture at work. This is her issue.

Another key is that she hasn't been honest. Not at all. Over the last few days, she has lied to absolutely everyone involved about everyone involved.

[Phantom_Sorano]

Hon, I'm so sorry. I grew up in a family where most of my relatives and parents sounded a lot like your wife and her behavior, so I understand you 100% on the emotions and tired, defeatedness. I'm praying and I hope things work out the better for you all, whatever God's plan may be. May He give you strength and endurance to deal with it all.

[goldenspines]

Yes, she had it before. No, this isn't the normal Korean thing. She was absolutely hateful and calculating. She tore down everyone around her, she lied at every step, and she has done this over and over, even in Korea with other Koreans. I got some comments about the way she was acting before we got married, but I sort of dismissed it, but I've seen her horribly violent mood swings... This isn't normal. This isn't Korean culture. She has a problem.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but even those people that she's torn down recently had before tried to downplay it. Once they saw the way she would treat anyone who ever suggested she was wrong about anything, or that she should be flexible, and she tore them down. One person had a very tragic history that she exploited in attacking her simply because this woman asked her to be flexible. A woman that she had called her friend simply said that she should not demand money back, particularly when it was something we weren't involved in, and she called her stingy and selfish. This woman had spent money and time to help her learn to drive, and she said "You were too stingy to take me out on the freeway." I've been in the car with my wife. I know she wasn't ready for the freeway. She crashed into a curb because she didn't know what she was doing. She wasn't used to the car.

This isn't Korean culture at work. This is her issue.

Another key is that she hasn't been honest. Not at all. Over the last few days, she has lied to absolutely everyone involved about everyone involved.

No worries, you don't sound harsh. I was probing for more info mainly. And without knowing whether it was a preexisting condition, a lot of behavior of Korean woman can be taken as incredible mean (especially under culture shock, which can drive a person close to insane). I mean, some Koreans can tear others apart with criticism (for example, the "stingy" comment sounds like one). I'm not saying it's good behavior, but it's not necessarily super strange behavior.

That aside, I again hope things will work out for you. Please give yourself some time to relax and sort through the whole matter calmly.
Something that worries me is the "violent mood swings". Was she physically attacking you? If so, you should contact the local authorities, since that can be considered domestic abuse. And if that is the case, I'm happy you were able to get away from her (granted, she left, but close enough).

[Bobtheduck]

Something that worries me is the "violent mood swings". Was she physically attacking you? If so, you should contact the local authorities, since that can be considered domestic abuse. And if that is the case, I'm happy you were able to get away from her (granted, she left, but close enough).

No. I am sorry I gave that impression. By violent moodswings I meant that she could be in a mood where she says you are the best person ever when she goes to sleep, wake up and say things like "I know why you''re estranged from your daughter" or even exploit abuse that someone experienced just to hurt them. I used violent to mean drastic, though the things she says can be violent in tone, and she will use money as a weapon, too. I speak figuratively too often, at times when people can take it seriously. It's a serious problem I have. I really need to be more careful.

I'm going to add that the real reason I'm posting here is because not MANY of you know me in real life, and the ones that do (like Ingemar, Nightshade X, Nate, etc) aren't likely to take that info back to people who shouldn't be seeing it. Also, I doubt most of my RL friends know about this place at all. I needed someplace to talk about this, and CAA seemed the best place I could think of.

[HarleyQuinnOy]

thats a rough situation man you definitely have my prayers in all of this and I hope it all works out for the best.

[AdriTan]

I'm praying too! We <3 ya!

[Bobtheduck]

Things got even worse today. She moved back in with the woman who let us stay with her, but unless she is on the rental agreement, she's not allowed to stay for more than 2 weeks.

She confronted me outside of school last night, and I caught her in a bunch of lies, but she kept changing the subject to all her accusations against me. She started this lovely encounter by saying she thinks my mom (adopted) stole me from my bio-mom and caused her to become schizzophrenic. She wouldn't believe me that my bio-mom was schizzo before I was born until I said I read it in the social worker's report, but my bio-brothers could attest to the same thing.

The conversation got more and more absurd, and I was already tired and stressed out from working and being in class all day, but she demanded that unless I stay and talk about every single point, there was no chance of us getting back together. I stayed for about 45 minutes until it got too absurd to take, and I tried to walk away, but she ran in front of me, and screamed "Don't follow me!"

Today, I get a call and she acts like none of this had happened. She said "Come back to (the woman's) house and live together again!" I said "No... Not unless you get help." Well, she got more and more desperate, and kept calling me until I turned my phone off. Then she called my dad's phone, and he said I didn't want to talk to her, so she came to my window...

That's when things really got scary. I heard this screeching sound, and she had pulled my screen off the window and bent it in half. She had a huge smile on her face, and wanted me to come out. I said "You need help" and she pounded on the window for 5 minutes.

When that didn't work, she came to the front door and changed what she was saying. Now she was saying we were keeping her from getting her stuff. I said I had no intention of keeping any of her stuff here, so I gathered it up, but she said "I don't trust you. You're not going to get everything. I'm going to call the police."

My dad called her bluff, and at this point I had my dad taping everything in case she really pulled something crazy. The police came, and I gathered all of her stuff that I saw. The woman who was letting us live with her, and who she is with now, came over to help her move, and she looked at me and said "Sorry."

I said that it was ok for her (my wife) to come in if they escorted her. As it turns out, I had forgotten some stuff (not intentionally) and she gathered the rest of it. Even after she left, though she's been harassing me with phone calls saying things like I have to pay for her to get a cell phone because the phone should have been half hers (legally, she has no claim to it because it's in my name, but before she left, I never kept her from using the phone. In fact, two days straight she talked for 3 hours at a time on it)

I'm really scared now, actually. I wasn't scared for the physical before before, but now she's completely over the edge, and I'm afraid what she's going to do, for instance, when she can no longer stay with that woman because she's not on the rental agreement, or even if she catches me alone on the way to school or something. I'm also scared for both of my parents, who work in this apartment complex and she may get my mom when she's alone in the office.

Because she hasn't actually done anything violent, there's nothing I can report to the police, but she keeps getting crazier and crazier.

I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I had a friend that was murdered by a jealous ex-boyfriend, and at this point, there's not a shred of sanity left in my wife. I wouldn't put anything past her, now. My dad said he wasn't worried about physical danger, so I may be overreacting, but... I saw the look in her eyes when she tore the screen down. It was scary.

My biological brother was married to a chemically imbalanced woman, and raised by one too. His wife left him and got together with a mutual friend, but he put up with her rages and craziness for 5 or 6 years before that happened.

We will be praying for you, man! I wish I could say more right now, but I'm so out of it I can barely type. I know it's hard, but you need to just pray and think and pray and think some more long and hard about whether it's really over. I don't personally think anyone's beyond help, but they have to want it first. If she isn't willing to try, then you can't try for her, but if she is willing to get some counseling, then maybe there's hope. You should also be willing to see your own flaws and any part that you play in this thing. There should be no pride for you right now (not saying there is).

There's something you have to understand about people who are not mentally well...you have to give them a lot of leeway...you know what's going on, but they don't, so you have to kind of coddle them so that they will not focus on the things that trigger their fits and you can make some progress

I guess it kind of depends on where your heart is...if it's on the marriage, you may need to make some significant sacrifices.

I'm considering what he said very carefully, but I don't want to come home to rage when things aren't going the way she wants. I don't want her dismantling the relationships I have with friends and family. I don't want to have to apologize for her or for things she coerced me into doing. I don't want to face her running away when things don't go her way. Everyone else in my family has told me I'm doing the right things, but now there's this tiny bit of doubt. Honestly, in worrying for her sanity, my own feels like it's slipping away. I'm having night terrors again, which I hadn't had for almost 10 years. I want to do the right thing, but I feel like I'm going to lose myself -- my mind -- if this keeps on going.

[Atria35]

Honestly, if you're afraid for your safety, then there's a need to call the police and potentially file a restraining order. At the very least, you need to make a report about what happened with the screen to them so that they have it on file. You should never have to coddle someone in such a way that it potentially puts your life at risk. My dad had a stroke that that damaged his judgement enough that he would put my brother and me (as babies who'd just learned to crawl) on a table and leave the room. Should my mom have let him continue to do that because his judgement was affected? No.

If you haven't already, you should probably call someone who specializes in mental disorders and see if there's any recourse for you there. They might have some information on what resources there are for you, and have ideas on how you might be able to protect yourself both mentally and physically.

[Xeno]

Bob, a few things here:

1. Call the police to make a harassment report.
2. Call the county court to check on the process of beginning a restraining order or a VPO (victim protection order) as Atria has said.
3. You can probably make a report on vandalism, but if this happened to the house/apartment the two of you had been living in for a long time...well you might be out of luck depending on state or local law.
4. Don't attempt to connect your situation to another anecdotally similar situation. Yes, your wife may have gone 20 shades of crazy, but just because you know someone who got murdered by a jealous ex-boyfriend doesn't mean that you will be, and it certainly doesn't mean you have to be worried about it unless she is being violent towards people.
5. Attempt to record and/or make notes about everything she is doing. If you decide to divorce her, it'll help you.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

5. Attempt to record and/or make notes about everything she is doing. If you decide to divorce her, it'll help you.

This one for sure. My sister filed for divorce last year (let's just say he was scum) and every little bit of information on my ex-brother-in-law certainly helped.

[Bobtheduck]

She hasn't contacted me lately. Not since she wrote about her keyboard that was still in the closet. The harassing phone calls stopped. The harassing letters stopped. Now it's just been silence.

I'm praying hard every day that she'll be healed or at least agree to get help. I don't think that, even at this point, it has to be all there is.

[AdriTan]

I'm still praying!

[Wind]

I will bluntly say never allow yourself to be put to harm in any way. I went through 4 years of a relationship where I was totally abused. I am not going into the details here but it was very harmful to me. I strongly believe people should not allow love to blind them to the realities of who and what a person is. A monster usually always stays a monster. Sorry for sounding so cynical but thats how I view it. I am in a better more successful relationship and having a better life now. But I was lucky to escape. So do whatever you have to, to protect yourself and those you love from any threats or protential threats.

and for anyone who wants to know more about all this feel free to PM me.


And also you matter to all of us and we all care about you and the last thing we would want to see is you get hurt.

[seaglass27]

I don't have the life experience to give you advice, but I will pray for you.

[MrKrillz0r]

Wow. Praying!

[Bobtheduck]

I got a call today from Women's Welfare and Special Victims Unit. Apparently my wife reported that I and my parents had emotionally abused her. I was also told that it was illegal for me to not let her inside the day she came over, because she had lived there three months. Of course, what my wife had failed to mention was that 1. We both moved out of my parents' place before that, and 2. She walked out and left the place we had been staying completely. The woman seemed legitimately surprised by that. I should have mentioned that I had no issues getting her things to her, and even didn't mind her being inside as long as the police were there so she couldn't do anything like take the phone (which I paid the payments on) or try to destroy anything (other than the screen).

I'm going to do a phone interview with them tomorrow for an hour. I'm really not looking forward to trying to answer accusations like this. I honestly wanted to send them the full contents of our facebook and email correspondences from February, when things got the worst, but the woman said she didn't want me to send it, because "I already have enough paperwork."

I'm currently re-reading the entirety of our facebook conversations, and it's hard. I'll see one day "I love you" and the next day "You're socially retarded" and all sorts of accusations, and then suddenly it's "I love you" and then after a couple days, accusations and demands I can't meet...

Pray that I'll be wise with the conversation with SVU tomorrow, and that they can see through her... I honestly hope that she says something that is so obviously not true to them, that they can tell 100% that she's been delusional, because she tends to be very good at hiding her worst from people she's not close to.

One last thing... Please pray that I'll be able to do my grad school work in the midst of all of this. If I fail (by that, meaning get less than 3.0 or one grade less than b-) out of this course, I will have more money to pay back than I ever had in my life, and I will have no recourse to pay it back. *sigh*

Well, that's mostly it.

[Atria35]

Praying hard! I can't imagine how rough this is for you!

[Wind]

we are here if you need us!

[Lynna]

That's harsh. I'll be praying that God helps you through this interview and that you'll be able to do well in your grad test.

[SilverToast]

Praying! It must be extremely difficult dealing with all that trouble. I hope you do really well on your grad school work and that the conflict gets resolved.

[Sheenar]

How did it go? Praying for you, friend.

[Sapphire225]

Definately will be praying. My aunt has the same thing and have done similar things as well, such as falsely accusing my parents of abusing my siblings and I, and has gotten one of her colleagues fired from work on false accusations, in which everyone in the family knows isn't true. She refuses to take medicine or acknowledge she has a mental illness, because they literally can't see it.