How are shy people supposed to do our part in finding a girlfriend?

[dothackzero]

Don't worry, I am preparing myself for a wife.

As for the sex thing, that was a little fear that I had that I just wanted to get married for just sex. It turned out it wasn't true.

Anyways, this is the list of reasons that I want a wife from feb and really it hasn't changed that much.

I want someone to love me(Though I'll defeniatly be loving her back)
I'm looking for some very deep fellowship with a woman.(non-sexual type)
A partner to help me serve God with.
A woman to grow closer to God with.
Someone to be on my side, and by my side.
Sex(After marriage obviously)

As for the artical all that it gave me was faith for a wife. Wanting a wife while I'm still young is my own thing.

[Cc4FuzzyHuggles]

I can some-what feel your troubles about how does a shy person get married? And that feeling of time just keeps moving so fast, yet I don't feel closer to anyone as a possible life time spouse. However, I think maybe my mind set is different then yours in some ways.

I don't know how your looking for your wife but perhaps the others are right. Perhaps instead of looking to marry for you or out of fears of getting old, you should be looking for who you can help.


What do I mean? I'll use myself as an example....

I am a super, super, super shy person when off of my PC. And someday I want to marry a precious man.
But, when I look at myself and look at my life situation, I know that I'm not ready yet.

The question is, how do I know I'm not ready to get married yet, even though I want to?

I look at myself and ask, can I be a good wife? Then I think what is a good wife?
For me, I want to be that wife who cooks for her man, is there for her man, helps her man, and doesn't have him just to satisfy myself. I want a man that I will be the one who satisfies him by being a team with him. It's all about not living for myself, but living for him as a good wife.
And I would hope that he would have a similar care for me.
Some one who wants to provide for me, help me when I'm sad, make me smile, and most of all help me with my walk with God.
A selfish man is the last thing I would want, but being a selfish wife is the last thing I'd want to be.

However, when I look at myself right now, I know that I have the evil curse of laziness and I still enjoy my time for myself more then I do for others. I need to improve my bad habits and get used to the idea of not living for me but living for others, or I won't be able to be that good wife that I want to be.
(Then again, I do live alone, and I am so shy I'm afraid of my own shadow. So I guess it's only natural I'm not skilled at living for others yet.)

But I know that whatever is in God's will, and I am working towards the future he has for me, then I have nothing to worry about. God will provide my needs but not always my wants. I need to accept that and smile trusting that God knows best - whether that means a man for me or not.

Anyways, not sure if telling you my side of being a shy person helped, and sorry I kind of babbled, but I still feel for you as I feel I'm in a similar boat, so I'll pray for you. ^^

[Nate]

Don't worry, I am preparing myself for a wife.

It's like you didn't read anybody's posts in this thread (you probably didn't).

Don't build a doghouse when you don't even know if you're getting a dog. My post wasn't saying "If you change your attitude then you'll get a wife!" My post was saying if you found a girl then your attitude was potentially toxic to the relationship. This doesn't correlate to changing your attitude means you'll get a wife.

Anyways, this is the list of reasons that I want a wife from feb and really it hasn't changed that much.

See, this again proves you have the wrong attitude. "Here is my checklist of things a wife will do for me." It isn't about you. That's what I was trying to say. That's what other people are trying to say. That's the entire point is you are treating a wife like it is an object.

[SIZE="7"]PEOPLE ARE NOT OBJECTS.[/SIZE]

Your wife is not a thing that you obtain to satisfy you! You're trying to justify it by saying "I'll love her back!" but that isn't the point. You can still love objects, so saying you'll love her back isn't a refutation of the point that you are viewing a wife as an object. There are rich people who love money, they love money a lot. But money is still an object, it is not a person. You can love an object, that's what idolatry is. You're treating a wife as a trophy, a prize to claim. That's wrong. You're wrong. You are always going to be wrong as long as you think that a wife is an object that will magically solve your problems.

I want someone to love me(Though I'll defeniatly be loving her back)
I'm looking for some very deep fellowship with a woman.(non-sexual type)

See, here's the problem right here. You say you want someone to love you. Okay, great! Practically everyone want someone to love you. Then you say you're looking for non-sexual fellowship. Cool! Here is the thing. Know who can love you that is non-sexual?

Friends. Friends love you, and their fellowship with you is (usually) non-sexual! You don't need a wife, you need friends! So why aren't friends good enough? Also, why does the deep fellowship have to be with a woman? There is no reason. You can have good male friends along with good female friends. But that isn't the object you crave. Friends give you love but you don't care, because it isn't sexual love. You say that it isn't about sex but you've proven yourself wrong right here with these two statements. Friends can love you, and it's non-sexual. Having a group of male friends would fulfill those two requirements for you, but that isn't enough. Because it doesn't have the possibility of being sexual.

A partner to help me serve God with.

You can have a partner to help you serve that isn't a wife.

A woman to grow closer to God with.

You can have a woman to grow closer to God with that isn't a wife.

Someone to be on my side, and by my side.

You can have someone on your side and by your side that isn't a wife.

The more excuses you make the more you are only further proving you are emotionally immature and of the wrong mindset to have a wife. Even if you did get married, your marriage would not last long with your current way of thinking. You would be treating your wife like an object or a pet, and it would all fall apart. You say you're ready for marriage...are you ready for divorce? Doesn't matter if you are or not, you'd be thrown into it regardless.

[dothackzero]

Friends. Friends love you, and their fellowship with you is (usually) non-sexual! You don't need a wife, you need friends! So why aren't friends good enough? Also, why does the deep fellowship have to be with a woman? There is no reason. You can have good male friends along with good female friends. But that isn't the object you crave. Friends give you love but you don't care, because it isn't sexual love. You say that it isn't about sex but you've proven yourself wrong right here with these two statements. Friends can love you, and it's non-sexual. Having a group of male friends would fulfill those two requirements for you, but that isn't enough. Because it doesn't have the possibility of being sexual.

Yeah, but I'm not good with making friends with people. I do have some friends but I don't have normal people skills. So I can't even get some the real fellowship I'm searching for.

I really am looking mostly fellowship in marriage, and sex is just a really nice bonus.

Anyway, if everything can I'm looking can be solved by making friends. Then what's the point of getting married other than just for making kids.

[Nate]

I really am looking mostly fellowship in marriage, and sex is just a really nice bonus.

So you're saying you wouldn't marry a woman if you couldn't have sex with her?

Anyway, if everything can I'm looking can be solved by making friends. Then what's the point of getting married other than just for making kids.

...it's like talking to a wall. So is the problem that you're just unable to comprehend our words? Or are you really just not reading them in the first place?

[Zeldafan2]

Yeah, but I'm not good with making friends with people. I do have some friends but I don't have normal people skills. So I can't even get some the real fellowship I'm searching for.

I really am looking mostly fellowship in marriage, and sex is just a really nice bonus.

Anyway, if everything can I'm looking can be solved by making friends. Then what's the point of getting married other than just for making kids.

Man, are you even reading Nate, or anyones posts here? I mean, really. We are trying to honestly help you, but you just don't seem to listen.

But regarding your thing about the point of marriage, marriage is supposed to be a permanant bond between two people who love each other, and want to spend the rest of their lives togeter. Having children isn't a neccesity in a marriage, but I personally like it when it happens. Marriage doesn't make you higher in God's eyes, but it is, from what I can tell, an experience that you can't describe really until you are married yourself. But look really, in capitals, STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS SO MUCH! I mean, why is this so important to you? If God's plan for you includes marriage, than you will get married sometime. But like Nate said, your attitude here is not helping at all.

Nate, I remember we were having a discussion about how imporatant sex is to a marriage on another thread. Don't want to bring that up, but sex is definitley not all there is to a marriage.

[dothackzero]

But regarding your thing about the point of marriage, marriage is supposed to be a permanant bond between two people who love each other, and want to spend the rest of their lives togeter. Having children isn't a neccesity in a marriage, but I personally like it when it happens.

My point is that nate makes sound like the only benifit of being married.

[Nate]

Yeah because I talked about having kids so much in my previous posts.

And by "so much" I mean I didn't even mention it at all. Seriously what better proof is there that you literally are not even reading the words in my posts? Even a casual glance at my posts would show you no mention of children at all!

I mean seriously to not only completely, completely ignore my posts but to insert some weird bizarre statement that I never even came remotely close to even implying in the least is mind-boggling. Truly mind-boggling.

[dothackzero]

Yeah because I talked about having kids so much in my previous posts.

And by "so much" I mean I didn't even mention it at all. Seriously what better proof is there that you literally are not even reading the words in my posts? Even a casual glance at my posts would show you no mention of children at all!

I mean seriously to not only completely, completely ignore my posts but to insert some weird bizarre statement that I never even came remotely close to even implying in the least is mind-boggling. Truly mind-boggling.

I know that you didn't mention it. My point was that you said everything I wanted could be taken care of just by having friends, and really those where the main reasons I could think that somone would want to get married. So beyond that, the only other point I can think of would be making kids.

[dothackzero]

If the point you're trying get across is that the person that we marry should be our best friend too, then I fully agree. Because that is what I think.

[Nate]

If the point you're trying get across is that the person that we marry should be our best friend too, then I fully agree. Because that is what I think.

YES. OKAY. GOOD. We have a breakthrough!

So now, logically...if the person we marry should be our best friend, then...

It means don't look for a wife! Just make friends! Because a wife is not an object you go on a treasure hunt for!

So quit talking about having faith that you'll get a wife and preparing to get a wife! In fact, don't even think about wives at all! Think about being a dude who is living his life! And if it happens, it happens! And if it doesn't, you have some great friends to share your life with!

THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY THIS ENTIRE TIME.

EDIT: And also don't try and make friends with a girl with the intent of dating them down the line. Don't do that. That is the opposite of what you should do. Don't try and get friendly with a girl because you want to date her. That's what I'm trying to say here. If you become friends with a girl and get romantically involved hey great, but that's not the reason to become friends with her.

[Xeno]

YES. OKAY. GOOD. We have a breakthrough!

So now, logically...if the person we marry should be our best friend, then...

It means don't look for a wife! Just make friends! Because a wife is not an object you go on a treasure hunt for!

So quit talking about having faith that you'll get a wife and preparing to get a wife! In fact, don't even think about wives at all! Think about being a dude who is living his life! And if it happens, it happens! And if it doesn't, you have some great friends to share your life with!

THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY THIS ENTIRE TIME.

EDIT: And also don't try and make friends with a girl with the intent of dating them down the line. Don't do that. That is the opposite of what you should do. Don't try and get friendly with a girl because you want to date her. That's what I'm trying to say here. If you become friends with a girl and get romantically involved hey great, but that's not the reason to become friends with her.

BasicallyThis.gif

[Mr. SmartyPants]

YES. OKAY. GOOD. We have a breakthrough!

So now, logically...if the person we marry should be our best friend, then...

It means don't look for a wife! Just make friends! Because a wife is not an object you go on a treasure hunt for!

So quit talking about having faith that you'll get a wife and preparing to get a wife! In fact, don't even think about wives at all! Think about being a dude who is living his life! And if it happens, it happens! And if it doesn't, you have some great friends to share your life with!

THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO SAY THIS ENTIRE TIME.

EDIT: And also don't try and make friends with a girl with the intent of dating them down the line. Don't do that. That is the opposite of what you should do. Don't try and get friendly with a girl because you want to date her. That's what I'm trying to say here. If you become friends with a girl and get romantically involved hey great, but that's not the reason to become friends with her.

TotallyThis.gif


Anywhoo, you still really need to stop being so consumed and motivated by your own desires. That's not love and it's not Christ-Like.

Here's a question for you to consider. You have these traits that you want in a woman. But what traits about yourself do you have that would be appealing to a woman? What makes you desirable? Because you keep saying that you want a wife. Well... usually then that works both ways. A woman is going to have to want you too.

The point I'm trying to make is that it's not about what a woman can be to do. It's who you can be for another person. In this particular case, a girlfriend or wife. Whose life do you bring joy and happiness to? Whose smile do you brighten? (Cavities and all)

So what are some of your character traits that make you desirable? What do you bring to the table to bring meaning to someone else's life? Because you can't just be a recipient here. You need to give to. What are you giving?

Maybe I'm getting a little too "psychotherapyish" here... but the point of this is that in order for you to be content with where you are in life. We ALL know by this point that you're extremely discontent. Discontentment comes from insecurity and the unwillingness to change your attitude when something unfavorable occurs. So you need to own your own worth. The only way to do so is by figuring out just why you're special or unique. What makes you you and what makes you different from everybody else? Once you figure this out then you own that and embrace it. In time, your insecurities will then hopefully lessen.

[Tarnish]

They don't, so man up.

[K. Ayato]

Why do you want to get married so badly? Is it 'cause "everyone" you see around you is hooking up? Man up and grow up, buster. It ain't gonna work in your favor (if that's what God wants for you) unless you do.

[Broly Ultimatrix]

Just thought i should add my two cents from a new PoV.

We have spoken from the shy and the confident but I'm going to speak from the view Mr. SmartyPants said earlier. Its ultimately about what you can bring to the relationship. Using myself as an example i can safely say i want to be married someday and the one factor keeping me from this is myself. I am of slightly above average intelligence (i say intelligence cause an IQ test says I'm smart but i am not wise in how i use this knowledge its just information to me) and i know for a fact i need to work on myself before i pursue any relationship. I am the ultimate fence rider and have developed the ability to take neutral ground on every matter and when i can take neutral ground (and here comes the big flaw) i have to choose a side which i view as defending my viewpoint by any means necessary even by assaulting them with my words (i try not to get violent and do a very good job of it). Ultimately this means my indecisiveness results in a fractured and unstable mental state which is extremely unpredictable and my ADD and slight OCD doesn't help.

I cant Let myself be in a relationship:

1)because i have nothing beneficial to add to the relationship.
and
2)because in my current state i would be a hindrance to any relationship.

BUT I am actively working through all my problems and at least once that second reason goes away i can learn to add to a relationship through normal human interactions.

My main point is not to show you and example of how to work through this but to give you and anyone else who reads this thread a possible example though probably flawed (i am human after all) example of how your mindset should be. Never once did i mention what i need from that special individual and the qualities i want to teach myself are not for the purpose of finding that special individual but can be used to further every relationship even other peoples.

EDIT: In case your wondering how it works its kinda like this: In any relationship the one factor that you have the most amount of control over is who you are as a person and is somthing you should be working on before the relationship even starts. If you do everything in your power to become the best person you can be in gods eyes, this is within itself a fulfilling acomplishment, and if its your destiny to be married then it works out even better because if two people get together with shallow intentions then any seed they plant and want to thrive will either shrivel and die or be pulled up when life comes on through but when two people who have spent there lives becoming the best they can be in christs eyes that they can be they already have christ as a common ground to stand on (and there is no more a stable rock) but are also beautiful to the core and the only things left to fix in there lives with be what they can't fix but can help each other through. I dont like thinking of it as finding your other half I view it as two pools of water. After they get married any deep corruption will be brought up to the surface so make sure your as strong as can be because marrage is essentially a second cleaning to bring you to new hights in Gods great plan... but what do i know im 19 and live out of my room sit on the computer all day and eat juink food.

thats all i got and hopefully Someone gains somethings useful from this post.

[K. Ayato]

The more you worry about something, the more it's probably not gonna happen. Not to mention the amount of wasted time and energy that could be spent doing something better.

[dothackzero]

I cant Let myself be in a relationship:

1)because i have nothing beneficial to add to the relationship.

You probably more benficial to add to an relationship than you realize.

Btw, I'm also tired of everyone saying that we need to prepair ourselves for a wife/husband. This isn't something we can do by ourselves, we need Jesus's help in make us more Christ like so we be a good husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend.

[dothackzero]

And also don't try and make friends with a girl with the intent of dating them down the line. Don't do that. That is the opposite of what you should do.

Yeah, you're right. I've been mostly looking for girls that I can see myself with, then attempt to get know her(badly), then goto friends, best friends, girlfriend, wife...

Now, I basically just need to figure out how to make friends(I do have a few, but I don't really have any idea on how to make friends.) I've spent way too much time pushing other guys and girl that around single because they aren't a cute girl.

[Atria35]

Now, I basically just need to figure out how to make friends(I do have a few, but I don't really have any idea on how to make friends.) I've spent way too much time pushing other guys and girl that around single because they aren't a cute girl.

I.... honestly can't figure out that last sentence. That English does not compute. However, it's very important to make friends - both guys and girls, as long as they're good friends and share the same interests. Ignore how attractive they are or whether they're single or not... Well, scratch that last part, you don't want a boyfriend thinking you're making the moves on his girlfriend... but don't only go for attractive, single girls. Make friends with anyone you can.

To be honest, some of your other posts were disturbing, because you seemed to be looking for companionship just within a marriage and expecting a wife to fulfill that need completely. That's not healthy. You need friends outside of a relationship, because they can give advice and an outside perspective when things go wrong (and there are bound to be a few times when they do). When you can make and sustain non-romantic relationships, that leads to being able to make and sustain romantic ones.

[K. Ayato]

Yes, God can bring a husband or wife to a person who is single. BUT, that does NOT mean they sit on their butts and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! They are out there serving the Lord, and BEING WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

[Nate]

Btw, I'm also tired of everyone saying that we need to prepair ourselves for a wife/husband.

I am preparing myself for a wife.

What.

[K. Ayato]

Do you realize what you just said? Better sit down before you fall over from stuffing both feet in your mouth.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Maybe you should try a website like okcupid.com? I've actually used it before and gotten in contact with some ladies a few months back. But the site is a hit or miss. Still worth a shot I guess.

[K. Ayato]

Don't even bother going there.

[Xeno]

Btw, I'm also tired of everyone saying that we need to prepair ourselves for a wife/husband. This isn't something we can do by ourselves, we need Jesus's help in make us more Christ like so we be a good husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend.

I know this is a Christian site and all, but this last sentence irked me a bit. Do are non-Christians all in terrible relationships?

And in reference to K. Ayato and MSP's posts, I've checked out OkCupid before, not a fan of it personally, but unless you're totally against online dating services I see no reason to not use the basic functions it has to offer.

[Cc4FuzzyHuggles]

Well, I'm pretty sure you already know all of this and I'm sure you know the value of friends for relationships, but I want to share anyways.


Part 1

Did you know that the one you marry is actually a type of friend? They are your closest and most precious friend ever.
And did you know that many deep bonded marriages started out as friendships?
Did you know that a girlfriend/boyfriend is a friend and when you marry them that friendship isn't supposed to suddenly go poof, but remain and become deeper instead?
And did you know many spouses meet from the friend of a friend deal?
Also, did you know friends and friendships are the building blocks to making you become someone suitable for marriage? Whether one of the friends becomes the spouse or they simply give you the social skills to make you yourself into a good spouse, friendships and fellowship play a key role in how we interact with others and who we meet.

Example : My mom met my dad when she tagged along with a friend who was meeting up with other friends. My dad happened to be in that unknown group. And from that meeting the two became friends, which then led to being a couple, then led to marriage, then led to four kids and twenty-five years of fun.
Another example : My shy brother met his current girlfriend when he was hanging out with my sister who is a social butterfly. Will the relationship go further? Not sure, but he is at least gaining experience.

And let me just note something here. Most people go through a friendship phase (unless they are sexual based) before marriage and that friendship is often the root of the love and the root of the bond. With out it the love can die. It is perhaps one of the reasons divorces happen. Couples lose their friendship - that thing that made them get along when they first got married.

So anyways, from my perspective on things, a friendship is the root. If you want a wife your going to need to develop your roots first.

But like i said, you probably already knew all that stuff. So, moving on....


Part 2

Now then, you say being social is an issue? That's fine! Don't let it bother you. If God has a lady picked out for you, then all you have to do is follow the path God has for you, and you'll end up with her. And if God doesn't have a lady for you, then it's still fine. Keep your focus on God and he'll fulfill all your needs. God will fill your need for company, support, strength, and happiness.

Also, about your list for what you want your wife to be like, I actually can relate with that. We have attractions we hope for and we also don't want to end up with someone we clash with. So it's only natural to have at least some preferences. (Example, for my man God has to be number one. And they have to have a heart for animals as I am too emotional towards those who don't.)
However, lets make sure the main focus isn't which girl fits the list. Lets make sure your the one who can fit to their needs instead. God will take care of which girl will be best for you, even if she doesn't match what you are expecting. God knows who's best. But it's up to you to start making the relationships, so the bonds can start building. And if they ever turn into more, good, and if they don't, no worries.


Part 3

However, obviously making friends is the issue, but that's why you begin at step one - Basic Relationships. Just interact with more people more often.
Meet people > get a relationship > put in the effort for it to become a friendship > let the friendship grow.
You can start with online relationships from forums, online communities, games, etc. You can also join bible studies or small bible groups if you know of any. Or you can volunteer at local areas around you (If you have time). I've volunteered at my humane society before and it was very beneficial for me.

And of course, if your willing for friendships, just keep staying active here at CAA. I'm sure more of us would be happy to be friends with you and help you with your shyness too.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Don't even bother going there.

Why not? Sure there are a bunch of incompatible people on that site, but it's also fun to check out. I've run into a few good people on that site before. But I also skip the majority of other people's profiles. XD

Also, I think some people take dating so serious. It's just a way to meet people and see if there's mutual interest and whatnot. See if sparks fly. =p You can date and still not be a fickle person ya know...

[Xeno]

Also, I think some people take dating so serious. It's just a way to meet people and see if there's mutual interest and whatnot. See if sparks fly. =p You can date and still not be a fickle person ya know...

Indeed, why so serious? You can even be up front on there that your intention is to find friends period and nothing more.

Also, this "God has someone picked out for you" nonsense is silly. There isn't any support that God has specific people destined for each other. You simply either meet someone you click with or you don't, it's pretty simple.

[Nate]

Also, this "God has someone picked out for you" nonsense is silly. There isn't any support that God has specific people destined for each other.

There is if you believe in predestination and that we don't have free will. Of course if we don't have free will then prayer is useless because nothing we do can change our fate. But now we're getting theological!

But anyway it would suck if the person God picked out for you and your destined soulmate lived in Russia or died when they were five or something.