How are shy people supposed to do our part in finding a girlfriend?

[goldenspines]

Well, honestly I don't know that the "friend zone" is something that most people realize that they do. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, and you aren't interested in dating them, then you have put them into the friend zone.

This doesn't necessarily mean that you will never be interested in them, but generally speaking, the longer two people are friends without feelings occurring on both sides, the less likely it is that they ever will develop. (There are exceptions, of course. Just don't expect to be one.)

That said, there are definitely immature people that will say that it's impossible for them to ever consider dating someone, though.

I had interpreted the "friend zone" as a place where some will put members of the opposite gender where they will "never consider dating them for any reason because they're such a good friend and 'don't want to lose that'".

I do agree with your interpretation, though. Technically speaking, every friend you make is put into a "friend zone" (as oppose to an "acquaintance zone", I suppose).
But making it somewhat of a hopeless place in someone's life in the terms of "I like you so much as a friend, so you're going to stay that way forever whether you want to or not" is not cool and rather mean towards the other person (even if they don't want to be more than friends). :\

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Somehow, I completely forgot to directly talk about the most important thing in all of this. It's best summarized, however, through this short story.

I love love love this story! <3 <3 <3

This of course presumes that the girl doesn't 'friend zone' you once you get to know her.

There are some ways of getting out of the friend zone. =p

But that being said, "friend zone" is nothing more than them simply saying that they don't have interest in you or perhaps simply not attracted to you. A lot of people simply say "let's just be friends" because that sounds nicer than going "I'm not attracted to you" and a lot of people don't like sounding mean. Call that lying if you like, but whatever. XD But either way, a part of having a strong sense of self-confidence is not letting that get to you personally and being able to be content with that and moving on.

And I don't think it's immature to say "I'd never date [girl/guy]." Mostly because I think I know myself enough to know what my standards are. And there are people who don't meet those standards. (e.g. I know what I want) I'm not saying that people are not able to grow and change, but if they do then perhaps I'll put more consideration.

Aaaand... just being truthful, looks can be a dealbreaker for me. So maybe that's shallow to some of you. But... good for you then. XD I like girls that I think are cute (and interesting) and I'm going to be more willing to continue talking to a girl if she's cute. XD

[Rusty Claymore]

I prefer being friend zoned. It's a lot easier to deal with people if you don't have to worry about things getting awkward.

For the first question, if God is going to be doing the footwork, it won't matter if you are shy or not. Some girls prefer shy guys.



Personally though, I don't think physical attraction should be a big factor in the whole process at all. In only 10-20 short years everything is going to be wrinkly, saggy, and deflated.
Granted, I find "cute" or "attractive" things about almost all girls, so there isn't an issue for me there. I more concerned with their cores. Who they are and such.
I think marriage needs a mission, so if it's mostly about who's cute, well, there is always someone cuter.

But if this is purely dating we're talking about, then just have at it. That's not an arena I fight in.

[Derek_Is_Me]

Me being shy, I find when I meet another shy person, we just kind of sit and stare at each other.

I find this statement comepletely understandable and awesome at the same time. It sounds like a good time sitting around and having the most EPIC of all staring contests of all time. We should do that sometime. Just have an EPIC staring contest. I think I would win.

[Yuki-Anne]

I find this statement comepletely understandable and awesome at the same time. It sounds like a good time sitting around and having the most EPIC of all staring contests of all time. We should do that sometime. Just have an EPIC staring contest. I think I would win.

<--but don't do that.

I think part of the problem for a lot of us is we're just not confident enough to be ourselves and trust that people will like us for that.

At least, that's my problem. I've been getting more and more shy because I'm afraid of displaying undesirable characteristics. But recently I realized that when you try not to be anything undesirable to anybody, you end up being nothing at all.

Basically, you're gonna get rejected. That's life. Just realize that rejection doesn't say anything at all about you as a person. It's how you handle rejection that says everything. Move past it, stay confident, and be happy with yourself for who you are. If you admit to yourself that you are desirable and lovable, then other people will have an easier time believing it, too.

If you like somebody, TALK TO THEM. I know it's hard, I have a hard time with this too, but if you try to play it cool and ignore someone you like, they're just going to think you're not interested. If you have to, think of conversation starters before you go wherever you know you'll see them. Ask them about themselves (open-ended questions, not yes or no. Yes or no questions lead to awkward pauses), and ask questions based on their answers.

Another good conversation trick I learned as a psychology major is called "reflecting." Basically, if someone is talking to you, just rephrase what they say in the form of a question, to indicate that you heard them and are interested in what they're saying. For example, if she says, "So my family moved and I didn't know anybody," you can reply, "So you didn't have many friends? That must have been hard." It smoothly invites her to continue talking, indicating that the topic is of interest to you.

If you run out of things to say, don't freak out or berate yourself for not being able to think. It's okay to have a pause in the conversation to give you both time to think. Don't feel like you have to fill up all the empty space.

One more important thing: try to be positive. If you start off a conversation by complaining about something or other, it really doesn't reflect well on you, especially if you're complaining about something the person a. likes, or b. doesn't really care about at all. Remember this: complaining is a huge turn-off. I really can't emphasize that enough. Even if it's something she hates too, relationships built on mutual dislike of something aren't starting off well.

[Warrior4Christ]

http://pickuppodcast.com/2007/01/13/episode-1-introduction-to-the-pickup-podcast/

LOL... coincidentally, yesterday when the thread was first posted, I was with some workmates at the pub, and was randomly approached by a self-proclaimed pickup artist who was "evangelising" us about the methods and books he used to go from "the nice guy with no women" to the smooth guy who has confidence to get the ladies (to put it more politely).
So yes, I believe confidence can be gained and practised, but don't let the confidence turn into arrogance...

[Atria35]

For the first question, if God is going to be doing the footwork, it won't matter if you are shy or not. Some girls prefer shy guys.

True. But even then there has to be some effort made- for a shy person like me, it's hard to start a conversation, so when the other person doesn't make any effort to keep it going, I assume they're not interested and move on.

[shooraijin]

I advise dressing up in bright red neoprene. However, I'm fine-tuning this idea still.

[ShiroiHikari]

Basically, you're gonna get rejected. That's life. Just realize that rejection doesn't say anything at all about you as a person. It's how you handle rejection that says everything. Move past it, stay confident, and be happy with yourself for who you are. If you admit to yourself that you are desirable and lovable, then other people will have an easier time believing it, too.

You said what I was gonna say. Rejection sucks but it isn't the end of the world, so dealwithit.jpg

[dothackzero]

So how do I even get more faith that God will provide me with a wife.

[Derek_Is_Me]

By believing that he is the one in control. And having the courage to talk to a lovely young lady. Because you know that the lord is the one giving you the willpower to do it. He's there for you. You just need to talk to him. He'll listen. I promise.

[Xeno]

So how do I even get more faith that God will provide me with a wife.

Dude, you're 23, live life some and stop worrying about getting married so much. There is no guarantee that you will or won't get married. If you do then you do, if you don't then you don't. Pray to God about it, but beyond that just let life happen.

[K. Ayato]

I would strongly suggest for now that you stop focusing on trying to find your "other half", and instead focus on becoming more a complete half (if you will) by deepening your relationship with God. I'm not saying you shut down your desire to be in a relationship with girl. Not at all. Instead, I'm advising you ('cause I've been there) to spend time with your friends and not let the fact you're single bring you down and instead embrace your relationship with God, because whether you do get married later on or not, He alone is all you need .

[Nate]

So how do I even get more faith that God will provide me with a wife.

God is not a vending machine that you insert faith coins into and a wife pops out.

[K. Ayato]

Ever thought He's been trying to tell you "Wait"? Seriously. Stop wasting your life hoping for something that may not happen when you want it to.

[Nate]

Seriously there's more to life than getting married.

Unless you're Mormon. And if you are then you should already be going to required singles meetings anyway.

[Zeldafan2]

So how do I even get more faith that God will provide me with a wife.

There were kinder ways the other members could have put it, but yeah. Being single is fine, if its in God's plan for you to get married, than you will find someone some day. Letting it bog down your mood, and worrying about it all the time is what God DOESN'T want you to do.

[Nate]

There were kinder ways the other members could have put it

Well when someone makes like five threads about a subject and doesn't seem to listen to any of the previous responses it gets a bit frustrating.

[K. Ayato]

Frustrating being a gross understatement.

[Vilo159]

Seriously there's more to life than getting married.

Unless you're Mormon. And if you are then you should already be going to required singles meetings anyway.

I'll just ignore the extreme exaggeration and move on. It's not worth wasting my breath; there's a thread for that.

Have you ever considered that God might not provide you with a wife? He may nudge a few girls in your direction, but he's not gonna date them for you. Like Nate said, you can't just say you have faith and expect God to give you a wife in due time. If you don't work for it, it's not gonna happen. Faith isn't what's lacking here, it's effort.

[Zeldafan2]

Wait, he made more than one thread on this? But, I can see how this could get annoying for you guys. I wasn't even involved with this at first. After all, I wasn't a member back in 2011.

[dothackzero]

So how do I even get more faith that God will provide me with a wife.

Nevermind, looks like God has given me the faith I need.

http://www.gillistriplett.com/rel101/articles/will.html

Now I just need faith for it happen while I'm still young.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Dude... you're reading some really whacked-out stuff. I'm not a particular fan of these pastors with their cookie-cutter formulaic answers to everything. Truth is far more complex and dynamic then all this bull. But really... the answer is far more simple. Just hard to put into practice.

First thing is first, stop being so self-consumed by your own desires. "He must become greater, I must become less." You're obsessing at this point and it's both unhealthy AND unattractive. No girl wants a desperate man nor do they want a self-centered man. Viktor Frankl once said that that it's not about what you expect from life, but what life expects from you. So really... I think you need to change your thought patterns.

If you want a girlfriend then you need to step your game up and just start by talking to women. It'll be totally awkward at first but if you need to do so in order to develop social skills then that's what you have to do. As Nate put it bluntly: God is not a vending machine. God doesn't owe you anything. Any you certainly don't DESERVE anything or anybody either. None of us do. It's all through His grace that we may find joy in this existence.

[Nate]

Now I just need faith for it happen while I'm still young.

Why, because you're worried that if you have to settle for an older woman you might not find her attractive? Because you're just so lonely you desperately need someone right now?

With that attitude I hope you never find someone, because you're only thinking about yourself. You're being selfish and don't care about having a real relationship with a woman, you just want a "thing" that is female because it'll be your security blanket that'll make the bad feelings go away at night.

This is an extremely unhealthy attitude to have about marriage and will lead to a painful divorce.

[K. Ayato]

Nate is right. Plus since you had admitted in a past thread that your only reason for marriage is so you can have legit sex, good luck in making a marriage based on that alone last more than a few months.

[love2cookpie]

Let me preface this with letting you know that I'm closer to 40 than 30, and am single after 16 years of marriage. And extremely shy. (though still an extrovert). God can drop a girl right in your path. He can do all things. If a girl you like doesnt incite in you a longing greater than your fear, then she probably isn't who God intends. We tend to go around 'helping' God out, working things out like He promised, but in our own way. Seek Him every day. Put Him first. Wait on Him. Unless He's saying: "Go get that girl right now", then you're better off waiting until He does.

Remember, dating around doesn't necessarily give you experience, but it will always give you baggage.

[Michael Lance]

Wow. Gravedig... but, as a fellow shy, single person, I agree - God's gonna get around to it when He feels like it, not before. It isn't to be cruel - it's just how He works.

Trust me, I've been after the same girl for almost ten years - we've just recently moved into that phase where we actually talk to each other, but she still tries to pound me into the ground (occasionally) ^^; so, yeah - hang in there.

[Xeno]

Nevermind, looks like God has given me the faith I need.

http://www.gillistriplett.com/rel101/articles/will.html

Now I just need faith for it happen while I'm still young.

I've yet to see you post anything explaining why you feel you must get married, and while you're still young. Why is this important? Who told you it was? Where are you getting these ideas from? Because as MSP said, you're reading some really whacked out stuff, and I think it's probably messing with your head in more than one department if it's got you convinced that you have to get married at a super young age.

You're so focused on finding a woman and getting married that all she will be for you is a release mechanism and nothing more at this point. If you were to find a woman tomorrow and get married you wouldn't love her, she'd just be a thing to you, worth no more value than any other item that you own, or possibly worth less to you than some items. It's best to just let life happen. There is nothing wrong with trying to meet women or new people in general. Try talking to people you don't know when you go out to places, you'll encounter some very unique individuals; however, don't do it with the ulterior motive of shacking up with anyone because that simply will not work.

[Makachop^^128]

Instead of focusing on finding a wife, why not focus on your relationship with God, so when that women does come around you can actually love her, and support her. You may never get married, maybe you will, but treating the subject like this kinda destroys the purpose. Only God can truly fulfill you. If you do get married though in the future, you needa place God first, or your relationship might fall apart.

[K. Ayato]

Instead of sitting on your butt waiting for God to drop your dream girl in your lap, man up, get on your feet, and start doing something worthwhile with your life. Instead of being selfish, start doing stuff to help other people. Rather than hope for a girl, use your time being single to refine your character. Change your attitude from "Is this the right girl?" to "What can I do to deepen my relationship with God and my friends, so when the right one for me comes along, I am able to take care of her?".

No guarantee you'll get married, pal. And sexual release is NOT a strong foundation for marriage at all. Soon as you get bored or she denies it, if you keep up this selfish attitude, you'll dump her and move on to the next one.