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[Aedin]

Aedin, in a way I kind of know how you feel when you say you don't feel like God is with you. I've never felt like he hated me or that he caused the bad things that happen to me, but I often feel disconnected and alone. I even made a thread about it. What I've learned is though that sometimes we can't just rely on what we feel. God is there. Watching us and always loving us. He would never hate you! He loves you, me, everyone in the whole wide world! Even when we do bad things or make mistakes. We might not feel him, but he is there! I also really don't think God causes all the bad things that happen to people here on Earth.

I know God supposedly doesn't directly cause all the bad things that happen, but if he knows everything, he knows I was improving enough to be worth dating, right around the time a girl I had already known, for a while, that I'd probably start liking, started to like someone else. Couldn't he have switched the timing up somehow? Why did he have to make the timing so perfect that it crushed my heart, killed my hope, and became the final straw that has pushed me to give up on the idea that any girl will ever really like me or love me. He knew the timing would be perfect, and he let it happen. I don't get why. And he knew it would crush me and make me start having faith problems with him again. I don't get why he let it happen exactly the way it did.

It's not just relying on how I feel. It's also relying on what my life has told me. And what my life has told me, is every Christian is gonna abandon me and leave me, or mock me and ridicule me, and if I can't find a girl in this town (fat chance, every girl I meet is too different, or not Christian (and I don't just mean they're not Christian, I mean they act the exact opposite of how a Christian should act, and don't care at all) or they hate me and think I'm worthless just because I'm not perfect. I can't find a girl in this town, and if I can't find one in this town, I can't find one anywhere.

I grew up without love, real love. I don't know what the hell it is or how to feel it or believe it exists.

Oh yeah, there's also the fact that I grew up having almost everyone in my family (and most friends I got close to) convince me I'm a freak and noone will stay with me.

For whatever it's worth, I can't stop crying. I feel like Satan's attacking me trying to make me lose hope. And he's doing a **** good job. Every single day, all I see is reasons to believe I'll be alone forever and noone will ever like or love me. I hate this so much. I'm so tired of it all. Why can't God just let us die when we want to?

Just close this thread please. It's been told, and shown (although not by anyone in this thread) that as soon as I start to really open up and talk and share, things are gonna get worse and I'm gonna get banned. So please just lock this thread and pray I'll find a new site.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

We've contacted some people who are supposed to help us find a psychiatrist. People who know much more than we do. We're waiting for an answer from them. I still can't help but wonder though, if I go to a psychiatrist, and they find something wrong with me, and find a way to fix it, will that change the fact that everyone's gonna end up hating me and abandoning me?

Aedin, it's never about how others perceive you. It's about how YOU perceive yourself.

[Aedin]

I know. It's just, I want to be able to make friends. I'm just scared I'll see a psychiatrist and nothing will change, ya know? Scared people will still hate me and abandon me, and I'll still be alone and lonely.

So I've spent all day trying not to break down and cry. That's been fun.

Last night I found more proof to believe noone's ever gonna truly like me or love me. It's an old issue, but it comes back constantly, and randomly. I've posted about it on here before, I'm sure. But it came back again, out of nowhere, last night. I didn't want to hold it all inside and make me feel worse, so I posted it in this topic, where I thought I was allowed to post and give updates and stuff. Right after I did that, I was told by, well, "someone" that apparently at least a few of the mods are threatening to ban me for it. I also know at least one mod doesn't like me, though I'm not sure who, or why. So I found out as soon as I mention one thing, I'm never allowed to mention it again, even if it's really bothering me and throwing me into despair and suicide. I'm supposed to keep it all inside. And then there's all the other times someone hurt me or insulted me, and I was the only one who cared. I figured out I don't belong here, I don't belong anywhere. Please pray I'll find a good place I belong at.

Also, since I found out the mods want to ban me beccause my problems don't go away easily, and I have to talk about them more than once, and partly because most people don't want to put in real effort and time to help me, I have to wonder how many people wanted me to "get help" from a psych ward or whatever, simply so I'd stop coming here.

[Aedin]

Oh yeah, I forgot about how a mod said helping me is a waste of time, and that's why they want to ban me. Because people posting in my threads and giving me support and helping me, is a waste of time. Wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that most Christians I meet feel the exact same way. And people wonder why I have issues with Christians and problems that keep coming back. This board was helping me, a lot. I felt I belonged, that I finally had people who cared about me. Then I found out the mods want to ban me because my problems aren't fixed easily and I'm "a waste of time".

[Kunoichi]

I'm still praying for you and will keep praying for you.

[Aedin]

so I've been crying all day. Then I talked to some people, including some mods. It's become clear that noone wants me on this site, that everyone just wants me to disappear and go away. I came here for support, and then the past two days I got enough proof (more than enough) that noone really wants to talk to me or support me. I'm gonna finish up a few things here, and then ask the mods to ban me (they were already gonna ban me anyway no matter what I did) so all I ask is that someone pray I find a real Christian community where people will support me and truly care about me, and that this thread gets locked.

[Tsukuyomi]

so I've been crying all day. Then I talked to some people, including some mods. It's become clear that noone wants me on this site, that everyone just wants me to disappear and go away. I came here for support, and then the past two days I got enough proof (more than enough) that noone really wants to talk to me or support me. I'm gonna finish up a few things here, and then ask the mods to ban me (they were already gonna ban me anyway no matter what I did) so all I ask is that someone pray I find a real Christian community where people will support me and truly care about me, and that this thread gets locked.

I see alot of generalizing here. This is what I have been trying to point out to you. What about those who have tried to help you? The ones who have showed you they want you here? The ones I've been one of those who have talked to you about this. You saying "noone" and "everyone" is pretty hurtful. Yes, people did hurt you and they had admitted that, but have you even stopped to think you may have hurt people here as well?

I pray that you ^__^ You know this.. Even if you don't want to ^__^

[Aedin]

I've already apologized to the people I've hurt, you just ignore that. And the people who have hurt me, have never admitted or said sorry. ANd besides, it's not my choice to leave. The mods have already said if I do one thing wrong I'm banned. Why are you acting like it's all my fault and all my choice>?

I can't stop crying. I've been shown time and time again today that noone can put up with me or deal with me or stay with me. I'm tired of being such a freak. I want to die so badly. I can't stop crying. I hate myself so much. And no matter what I do, I can't stop feeling like everyone else hates me too. I don't belong anywhere. I feel so screwed and hopeless.

[Aedin]

I'm sorry for all the people I may have hurt. And the people who may have felt like I was ignoring them. I never meant to hurt anyone, and I never meant to make it seem like I ignored anyone. With my learning disorder, sometimes I need to talk about things multiple times to get over it. Sometimes I need to hear things over and over again (advice, support, those things) before they'll really take hold in my head. Sorry that annoyed and bothered so many people. Sorry for all the stupid issues I've caused.

[Tsukuyomi]

And the people who have hurt me, have never admitted or said sorry.

You may want to go through your threads then. I recall reading some apologizing to you.

Why are you acting like it's all my fault and all my choice>?

This next quote here is where...

I'm gonna finish up a few things here, and then ask the mods to ban me (they were already gonna ban me anyway no matter what I did) so all I ask is that someone pray

[Aedin]

The mods said they're gonna ban me anyway. I just want to finish my business here before it happens. I'm going to ask the mods to ban me, after I've finished my business here. It's not my choice whether or not I get banned, I'm just trying to be able to choose when I get banned.

[Nate]

The mods said they're gonna ban me anyway.

[color="DeepSkyBlue"][citation needed][/color]

I'm not a mod and I don't know the deepest darkest workings of their inner sanctum. I have a couple of friends who are mods and talk to them regularly though, and so far as I've heard, the mods have given you warnings and suggestions. This isn't the same as "They're going to ban me." I have an official strike and have been warned by the mods quite a few times about my behavior, and I'm still here.

What I'm saying is that getting a PM from a mod stating "If you continue to perform this action you will be banned" is not the same as "We're going to ban you soon." I have gotten PMs from mods saying that I need to be more civil and polite on the boards, and if I keep being a rude sarcastic jerk I will be banned. Now if I blew them off and said "Pssh whatever" then yeah, I would be banned. But I'm trying to get better and I think (or at least I hope) that they're noticing. I'm not quite where they want me to be I'm sure, but at the very least I haven't gotten any PMs from them in the last couple of months warning me or anything.

All I'm saying is you seem to be taking this way more personally and blowing it a lot more out of proportion than I think it actually is.

[Aedin]

[color="DeepSkyBlue"][citation needed][/color]

I'm not a mod and I don't know the deepest darkest workings of their inner sanctum. I have a couple of friends who are mods and talk to them regularly though, and so far as I've heard, the mods have given you warnings and suggestions. This isn't the same as "They're going to ban me." I have an official strike and have been warned by the mods quite a few times about my behavior, and I'm still here.

What I'm saying is that getting a PM from a mod stating "If you continue to perform this action you will be banned" is not the same as "We're going to ban you soon." I have gotten PMs from mods saying that I need to be more civil and polite on the boards, and if I keep being a rude sarcastic jerk I will be banned. Now if I blew them off and said "Pssh whatever" then yeah, I would be banned. But I'm trying to get better and I think (or at least I hope) that they're noticing. I'm not quite where they want me to be I'm sure, but at the very least I haven't gotten any PMs from them in the last couple of months warning me or anything.

All I'm saying is you seem to be taking this way more personally and blowing it a lot more out of proportion than I think it actually is.

You might be right. Doesn't help that I've been really emotional. It's just, I don't remember exactly what they said, but the mod did basically say "if you do this one more time we'll ban you".

I wish I had someone to help me figure out if I'm overreacting or not, but most of the people who try to help, just end up getting **** at me, which just makes me feel worse.

It's just, and I'm not making excuses, with my learning disability, and my years of emotional abuse, I need to talk about things multiple times, to get over them, to get them out. ANd I can't feel like I'm friends with someone if I have to watch every single thing I say. And since I've been lied to by so many people I trusted, sometimes I need people to say things multiple times, before I really start to believe it and it sinks in. There's been so many things over the years, that lead me to believe everyone hates me. So many Christians I've met who were mean and uncaring, it takes a lot of reinforcement, a lot of time, for me to believe, and trust people, when they're trying to help me feel better, whether it's through support or giving advice. My depression, anxiety, learning disorder, chemical imbalance, and what is most likely a personality disorder, have always been why people left me in the past. Sometimes I wonder if people want to work things out with me. It seems every time I try to work things out, or clear up a misunderstanding, I just make things worse. I just don't know what's wrong with me, why it feels like it's so easy for people to hate me. I still struggle with feeling like everyone hates me.

Someone on this site, said it's hard to talk to me because I'm not open. It's hard, cause I want to be open, but whenever I'm open, that's when people abandon me. SO I want to be open, make real connections with people. But at the same time, it's usually being open that has made people leave me or hate me. I guess it's similar to a Catch-22. I never meant to cause so many problems. I really felt like I belonged here. Then misunderstandings happened, and everything I did to try to clear them up, made them worse. I just feel completely stuck. I feel like most, if not all, of the people on this site, aren't willing to put in enough effort, or time, with me to help break down my walls and help me trust them. Which I'm not blaming anyone for that, I'm just saying how I feel. And we've been trying to contact people who can help us find a psychiatrist (it's a long story) but I feel like even after I see one, if we can fix those things, people still won't want to be around me. I feel like everything I do is gonna make things worse, so I feel completely stuck. Just really starting to feel like I don't belong here anymore, but at the same time, this is the best community I've found, so I'm really scared to try to find a new one. I really hope God helps me with everything.

[Midori]

I did get pretty angry at you yesterday and I'm really sorry for that. Can you forgive me as I have forgiven you?

[Aedin]

[quote="Tsukuyomi (post: 1447765)"]You may want to go through your threads then. I recall reading some apologizing to you.

You're right. Some of them did apologize to me. It's just, the thing that hurts, is the people who really, really hurt me, never seemed to care. I tried to push the issue, and got a warning. Sometimes it r eally does feel like everyone only cares what I do wrong, and that they don't care how others hurt me. I'm not whining or complaining, but it hurts. Some people on this site (won't say who) have severely damaged my faith and relationship with God, and a lot of the time, it feels like noone cares they did that.

Pretty sure I got more proof tonight that people don't want to listen to me or understand me. I just don't understand what I did to make so many people hate me and think I'm a horrible person. And someone else, who would keep talking about how they want to help me and support me, just told me to kill myself. Even told me how to do it. The thought that this place will be supportive, is quickly disappearing. Someone tells me to kill myself. Another person (actually a couple people) seem hell-bent on making sure everything is my fault, and either won't listen to me when I try to clear things up, or they ignore it and get mad at me for something else. AM I ever gonna find a good place?

[Midori]

You've been here two and a half years, and with 416 posts. Most communities would throw out people as troubled as you in mere months. I dare you to find a community, Christian or not, that's more lenient and understanding than ours.

[shooraijin]

This has been discussed internally over and over by the mod staff, and now I'm going to act on my threat.

We do our best to accommodate any member and integrate them into the community, regardless of his or her emotional issues, concerns and problems. What I despise, however, is drama for drama's sake. This forum is not a sounding board for dirty laundry, and it is not an echo chamber to amplify the cries of people who won't help themselves or accept the help that others offer to them, and that includes you, Aedin.

No, this community is not perfect and certainly members have been unkind to other members in the past and even now. But there are procedures for taking people to task for it. More to the point, some of the accusations you have leveled at other members in other threads have been justifiable from your point of view, but quite a few are not, and the way you have dealt with other members in PM is unacceptable.

You were warned both publicly by me, and privately through Midori, who has been trying to work with you in PM to find you a middle ground to remain and be productive. This thread has now exceeded my patience, and like you've been asking for, you are now banned.