Last one

[Mr. SmartyPants]

...so... what about all the other countless times which people have given and received advice on this thread? So what do we say? Just "I'll pray"?

Lest you're proposing that Christians are supposed to go: "Okay I'll pray for you but I won't give you advice even though I think might be helpful for you during your times in trouble." But I seriously doubt that you believe this.

[goldenspines]

Prayers threads are meant for prayer and encouragement, not lectures or opinions. This thread is for prayer and encouragement for Aedin. Go complain to me in PM if you don't like my post towards you.

[Aedin]

I realized part of what's been wrong. Lately I've been losing touch with myself and God. I used to know what I wanted in life, in friends, in a girl, things I wanted to do. I've been forgetting all that, and my depression has killed my interests, and dulled my ability to figure out what matters.

[Gala]

Aedin, I am so happy you will be getting help. I've been praying for you dude. After you get out, please continue with the counseling. Find a couselor that you feel comfortable talking to. I'll continue praying that things look up.

[Aedin]

Serious demonic attacks this morning, and all day. All my anxieties and worries and things that make me depressed and sad just came at me in a flood, and they won't sto, and I'm kinda scared, so please pray.

[Blacklight]

I will do so, I won't stop. I really want to see you get better. I want to say something else, but I don't know what to. Good luck again, and I'll be praying for you.

[Aedin]

Thank you. I'm going through old PMs on this site, seeing a lot of names I wish I kept in contact with. I'm trying to remember God has a plan and everything works out.

[ABlipinTime]

You've been on my mind, Aedin. I'm still praying for you!
Think about Jesus!! He loves you!

[Aedin]

I was going through a lot of my old PMs tonight. They made me cry, remembering people I lost contact with. I've sent PMs to almost all of them. My prayer request is that God will lead them back here, and I can make things right (whether or not it's a big deal, I feel bad and guilty for ceasing contact with so many people.)

Thanks.

[ABlipinTime]

It will be ok. They're in God's hands.
I'll be praying!

[MxCake]

ill pray

[Aedin]

Thanks. Fighting panic attacks at work. And my temperature is all over the place. I don't know what's going on with me.

[Esoteric]

I was going through a lot of my old PMs tonight. They made me cry, remembering people I lost contact with. I've sent PMs to almost all of them. My prayer request is that God will lead them back here, and I can make things right (whether or not it's a big deal, I feel bad and guilty for ceasing contact with so many people.)

If you haven't already, delete some old PMs from your box. Tried replying to your PM a couple days ago but it said your box was full. This may be the reason you aren't getting replies.

[Kunoichi]

haven't had a chance to post but been praying for you xxx

[Aedin]

If you haven't already, delete some old PMs from your box. Tried replying to your PM a couple days ago but it said your box was full. This may be the reason you aren't getting replies.

You're right, my inbox was full. Last night I cleared out a bunch though, and I feel bad, because it's not that I wasn't getting replies, it's that I was talking to people on this site (such as you, in fact) and then I just disappeared. Some of them haven't been back on here for a while (checked the profiles) and some of them have been on recently. I'm just praying God leads them back here so I can make things right, and trying to remember things happen for a reason.

[Aedin]

Not about my depression, or my anxiety, and I'm sorry if it seems like I'm trying to make everything about me. But I found some things out tonight, things I can't talk about, and now I'm crying a ton. It wouldn't be so bad, except the things I found out, I can't fix them, I can't change them, I can't do anything. It really hurts.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Paul says that when we are weak, then through Christ we are strong. Yes I'm sure you feel helpless or unable to do anything. And who knows whether or not that's really true. But that's not important. When there are things that we have no control over, we have to accept it. And often times we have to accept this and find peace despite how sucky your circumstance is. Maybe it's a bit of a paradox, I dunno.

But I encourage you to never give up. If I can post the words of an old dead guy:

"Do you know I've been sitting here thinking to myself: that if I didn't believe in life, if I lost faith in the woman I love, lost faith in the order of things, were convinced, in fact, that everything is a disorderly, damnable, and perhaps devil-ridden chaos, if I were struck by every horror of man's disillusionment - still I should want to live and, having once tasted of the cup, I would not turn away from it till I had drained it!"
-Dostoevsky

Maybe right now, life is utterly chaotic and makes absolutely no sense. Even with God as some sort of foundation in our lives, often times we can't see it. Maybe we even question if God's working through all this and one day things will be better. But don't ever let that stop you from fully living.

It doesn't matter how unsubstantial, little, or hopeless it may seem. No matter how often you will feel like everything you do is hopeless, you have a choice to believe that you will definitely get through it. You'll feel like it's all hopeless and pointless and that you'll never amount to anything. But choose to believe in the opposite even if everything in life points towards the opposite. Maybe this is irrational, but so what if it is? Be irrational anyway. Despite everything, you can still choose to hope. Let it be unconditional. =)

Maybe one day you'll look back and see that this was a rough and troubled time in your life. But the beauty of it all is how you not only survived it, but thrived through it. All it takes is one step, and then another, and another. Maybe this is a lot to take in at once, but I'm just throwing this all out there. I don't want to overwhelm you or anything. Maybe something to chew on?

[Aedin]

I have a female friend at work. She pretends to like me, to be my friend, but secretly, she can't stand me. I made two friends in school. Everything was going well, then I didn't talk to them for two weeks. Tried contacting them, they both wanted nothing to do with me. Everyone who gets to know me, who gets close to me, ends up hating me and leaving. Almost every girl I like, doesn't like me, or it won't work out, or they go out with me, then dump me for someone else. I don't get why it's so easy to hate me lol. I'm actually crying writing this. How frickin pathetic is that. I try to be a good person, I don't know, I don't get it. I try to be a good person, a good friend. I try to care about people. And in return, almost everyone I meet leaves, or ends up hating me. I'm just really tired of it. I don't want to go through all this. You're right with everything you said, but really, I'm just so tired of all this. I really wish I could just die off already, but obviously God's not gonna let that happen. Wish I had some idea why.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

You're gonna need to develop a level of self-respect, which means not taking things like rejection personally. That's going to take a lot of time and effort, my man.

If you focus on all these outside and external things which you think will make your life better, you're only gonna be worse off. The first thing you need to do is love yourself. That's the first -- and biggest -- step.

And this is actually on topic: Ever seen Scott Pilgrim vs. The World?

[Aedin]

I did. And I honestly don't know how to love myself. Nor do I believe I'm able to. Besides, noone else is gonna love me.

It's just, I've met so many people in this town. And Christians in this town, they hate people like me. They think we're worthless. I'm just so sick of the fact that every time I find someone I feel could be a good friend, or a girl that I feel I could like, it never works out, so then I get to go back to seeing all the people who either I wouldn't work well with them, or they hate me.

I recently found out a friend I kinda like, and could've liked more, likes another guy. Coincidentally, she started liking him right around the time I started improving myself, and my depression and anxiety was getting better and I think people on this site saw a change in me. So basically, I start improving, and being able to handle things better, right around the time my friend starts liking someone else. And God knows everything right? It makes me feel like God planned things so I'd get almost heartbroken, and fall into despair again, just as I was starting to get and feel better. I feel like He planned to crush me like this. And I don't get why. I was finally improving, and not just that, I was starting to love God more, I was starting to try and be a better Christian. And then it feels like He planned it so I'd get crushed as soon as I start improving. And I don't get why. Christians in my town hate people like me. Does God hate me too?

[Furen]

well I love you man... I hope you believe that. :3

[Mr. SmartyPants]

People who don't love themselves rarely believe they have anything about themselves worth loving. But that's your own bias. I think you're blinded from really seeing who you are. You only see who you THINK you are. And again, you're putting all your worth in how other people think of you. That if people like you, that means you must be nice. It works the other way though. If you think you're nice, then others will like you for that. Work at things one by one.

I can't really offer any more than this, unfortunately. But I do hope something inside of you will one day click. Any luck with looking into psychiatric clinics or anything?

[TGJesusfreak]

Still praying dude...

[Aedin]

People who don't love themselves rarely believe they have anything about themselves worth loving. But that's your own bias. I think you're blinded from really seeing who you are. You only see who you THINK you are. And again, you're putting all your worth in how other people think of you. That if people like you, that means you must be nice. It works the other way though. If you think you're nice, then others will like you for that. Work at things one by one.

I can't really offer any more than this, unfortunately. But I do hope something inside of you will one day click. Any luck with looking into psychiatric clinics or anything?

You're right about everything. I'm blinded by how I see myself. Except unfortunately, the way I see myself, has been developed by years of emotional abuse, and other, random things that have helped reinforce my belief and self-image. And then years of meeting Christians, in person, and online, who try so hard to show me how worthless I am, how noone can like me and how horrible I apparently am for having problems for not going away easily. I don't get why Christians have tried so hard, for so long, to help me know how worthless I am. Even some people on this site (I won't say who) have crossed over the line, trying to make me feel bad and stupid worthless, and I tried to talk to them, in a non-accusatory way, about what happened, so we could discuss it and work it all out. None of them have once shown an interest in making things right. Christians talk about loving everyone. Then why is it so easily for so many Christians to hate me, insult me, demean me, push me to suicide, and not care at all what they did? I once talked to one or two mods about this. All they really did was try to reinforce the fact that everyone else is great and blameless, and that everything's my fault, and that I'm somehow a bad person for wanting to know if the people who hurt me care, or the fact that I believe people should care when they hurt others.

I try to be a good person, a good Christian, but it's never good enough. Christians still hate me and think I'm worthless. I can't find friends, or a girl, in my town, so what hope do I have? Even if I met someone online, they'll never want to meet me, or be real friends to me. If it's a girl, she'll never want to meet me or date me.

And it's not rejection that bothers me. It's the fact that it happens again and again, and that when girls dump me for another guy, that guy usually turns out to be a horrible person. Throughout my life, my family, my friends, Christians, and girls I've liked, have all done so much to show me how worthless and meaningless I am. Then after they've succeeded, and I have major problems with feeling that way, they get mad at me because I feel that way. Or they don't listen to my explanations, or what I have to say, then they judge me. It's not just me that makes me feel worthless. It's also everyone else I've met, and the fact that every person I meet who seems nice disappears on me or snaps at me for no reason and doesn't care.

I met someone who lived in my state, pretty close by. She went on talking about how much she cared and wanted to help me. Except she never had time to talk to me. She said she knew people in my town, who would like me, and want to help me and be my friend and all that. Except here's the thing. Not one of them actually wanted to talk to me. So they care about people like me, and want to help us, as long as they don't have to talk to anyone. I spend so much time in despair, then I find a girl I could like, that it really seems things could work out with. Then they always like someone else, or just don't like me, or turn out to not be who I thought they were, and my hope is crushed again and again. I talked to my coworker today. Just got more proof she wants nothing to do with me. That's how people in my town are. They either hate you and want nothing to do with you, or they freak out at ayou and try so hard to make you feel like a horrible person, just cause you're not perfect, and they don't care cause they have all their other friends. I'm completely stuck here, my situation is completely hopeless, and I'll never get out of here. I honestly don't know what to do besides kill myself, and it turns out I have no way to pull that off.

Every Christian I've met in town, they think you're worthless and horrible, so they avoid you, or they just straight up don't care about you at all, especially if you're not already in their clique. I honestly have no idea what to do. I had to OD again just to make it through the day.

It's just hard. I'm at two pretty much dead-end jobs, where I don't do anything worth it, and they're the only jobs I can have. And everyday I think about how alone I am, and how if I disappeared or died, noone would care at all. I don't know how I;m supposed t ot not be suicidally depressed.

[Blacklight]

Haven't stopped thinking about you. I'm still praying for you. God doesn't hate you, even if it feels hard to believe that. I can't be an amazing, helpful friend, but I really care about you. Please don't give up. I wish I could be reassuring, I wish I could be a good friend, I wish I could help you more, but I can pray for you, so I won't stop.

[Aedin]

It's just, I've met a lot of people who have said stuff like that. But when it came down to it, none of them meant it.

And half of my life has been all about my family and "friends" trying to convince me how meaningless and worthless I am.

[ABlipinTime]

Hey man, God loves you. It's obvious you want - and need - someone to reassure you of your importance, your purpose, someone close and perhaps intimate. Sounds to me like God fits the bill perfectly. Look to him, buddy. He loves you! (and so do I). I'm praying for you! God values you as much as He values all those people who THINK they're perfect. "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God", but "God so loved the world that He gave His only Son". By "world" it doesn't mean the dirt and ashes making up this globe but the people, people like you, me, all those on CAA, and all those who've ever existed. "Press on towards the goal" (being with God in heaven). Hold fast to His truth. "All things work together for the good of those who love God". Hey, buddy, this may be a wake up call. God may be using this to draw your focus on Him. Know this, that no matter how much we suffer here, if we live for God, all of this will seem like a passing shadow in comparison with the GREAT JOY that we will have with our Father, our Brother, our Lord, our LOVER in heaven FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aedin]

You're right, about everything you've said. I know God is supposed to be the most important. It's just, ever since I was little, I've been a romantic. Always believing "the one" is out there for me. And every time I've thought I met her, or someone who could be her, things get worse, to put it simply. Most of them have not been anywhere near nice, when things ended. And then what I posted last night (if I wasn't too high and tired to screw it up) it feels like God planned it so as soon as I found someone I could get close to and be good friends with, that He planned it so I'd be crushed and set back a whole lot. I just don't get it. He's supposed to love us all. Yet for some reason, things keep happening to make it look like he hates me and only me. My ex, the guy she left me for, it turns out he's "the one" for her. The friend I like, who likes someone else, it's pretty obvious God lead her to him. And I'm trying to work through all my issues, connect with him, hear him, listen to him and follow him and all that, and God completely leaves me alone to figure everything out. Everyone else gets help in this regard, why can't I get help? Why is it every time I feel God leading me towards someone, it turns out they're really mean and uncaring aind insulting? It's like God is intentionally screwing with me, and I have no idea why. I keep asking him to lead me to the right friends, to lead me to the right church. He's done nothing. So I check out churches by myself. I'm always ignored (cause I'm new) or the people end up being really mean. And most people I meet just don't like talking to me, like I said, they either hate people like me, or ignore me cause I'm new, or abandon me as soon as I open up. There's noone for me in this town, friend or otherwise. I'm not sure any online friendships would last. And if I met a girl online, she's just gonna find someone in her own area, or she'd be unwilling to meet me anyway cause I'm someone online. Yay.

Sorry if I'm rambling and not making sense. Today was a really, really, really bad day, so I'm kinda drugged up (legal drugs)

[Aedin]

People who don't love themselves rarely believe they have anything about themselves worth loving. But that's your own bias. I think you're blinded from really seeing who you are. You only see who you THINK you are. And again, you're putting all your worth in how other people think of you. That if people like you, that means you must be nice. It works the other way though. If you think you're nice, then others will like you for that. Work at things one by one.

I can't really offer any more than this, unfortunately. But I do hope something inside of you will one day click. Any luck with looking into psychiatric clinics or anything?

Sometimes that's right, and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes people try to help me, when I don't feel nice. And when I am nice, that's when people usually ignore me and leave. I don't have anyone I can trust, to like, "reinforce" good things about me, things that make me feel or sound worthwhile. And everyone I find who does actually do that, and succeeds, it turns out they were lieing, they were really just sick of me, then they snap at me and never talk to me again.

We've contacted some people who are supposed to help us find a psychiatrist. People who know much more than we do. We're waiting for an answer from them. I still can't help but wonder though, if I go to a psychiatrist, and they find something wrong with me, and find a way to fix it, will that change the fact that everyone's gonna end up hating me and abandoning me?

[TopazRaven]

Aedin, in a way I kind of know how you feel when you say you don't feel like God is with you. I've never felt like he hated me or that he caused the bad things that happen to me, but I often feel disconnected and alone. I even made a thread about it. What I've learned is though that sometimes we can't just rely on what we feel. God is there. Watching us and always loving us. He would never hate you! He loves you, me, everyone in the whole wide world! Even when we do bad things or make mistakes. We might not feel him, but he is there! I also really don't think God causes all the bad things that happen to people here on Earth.