Suicidal

[Furen]

same here, I just post to show I care, I don't really know what to say but I do still care man!

[animefanatic777]

It's been a long time. I'm sorry if I'm bothering anyone. I'm just severely suicidal tonight. I actually have a plan, I know exactly what I'm gonna do. And it terrifies me, because I can't think of any reason not to do it. Everyone who gets close to me, gets sick of me, or leaves without a word, or hates me. I'm scared of meeting new people, cause I'm scared they'll hate me too. One ex-best friend, is leaving, and won't talk about it, and I don't know why. Everyone I've met in person, either isn't a good friend (like one person I know, I've texted and called a couple times, now it's been like, two weeks at least, with no response from him) or hates me. I feel like everyone hates me. I have a learning disorder and chemical imbalance, and years of abuse, and I've met lots of Christians on other sites who didn't like me, or hated me, because of that. I keep praying, reading the Bible, reading books about prayer and connecting with God, all that, and he still feels as distant and silent as ever. So not only am I afraid to meet Christians and other people cause I'm scared of rejection and abandonment, no matter what I do, the "one who is always there" always feels distant and silent. So I feel totally alone. I don't get why he won't talk to me, why he won't help me. I don't get why so many people seem to hate me because of problems I never asked for or wanted, problems I'm doing my best to fix, but that just seem to not go away no matter what I do. I feel so lost and confused and hopeless. I want to say I'd like to make friends here and find people to talk to, but I'm afraid everyone will decide I'm hopeless or decide not to talk to me anymore, especially cause I've had issues in the past. I don't know what else to do.

I feel so pathetic telling people.

I just looked on wikipedia, and apparently the only way I had of pulling it off, wouldn't have worked anyway. Now part of me feels worse because I know there's no way out. I'm also scared people on this site will distance themselves from me more because of this. I've had two people say they didn't want to talk to me anymore (one of them I never even talked to) and others, who I can't honestly tell if they want to help me or not. I'm scared everyone will hate me and ignore me or distance themselves.

First, I wanna say to everyone here that are posting and responding, thank you so much! Even if you're not so good at helping, it truly means a lot, even if it doesn't seem like it. And for those not posting, I bet you're praying for Aedin, so thank you as well. I shall be praying to.

I hope I can be of service though, and possibly help you with my experiences with my own issues, and others. These words are all on what I've read.(Which were mostly your most recent posts. So if I've missed something, do let me know, OK? =D ) I hope what I say means something =D


Alright, so, let's start off. I'm going to respond to parts of your post from top to bottom, so this may be long, hang on tight, and bear with me =D Here we go. First off, tis is alright if it's been awhile since you've posted, you posted, that's what matters =D Regardless of the time it took, we know you are still alive, which still means you're fighting, which I admire, even if you're holding on by a thread. Always have admired that when people hold on. If this isn't to personal, why are you feeling really depressed? You don't have to state everything, or even a basic outline, it just helps if we know what's going on, y'know And it could help you out to vent it. Yeah? =D

I saw you had a plan but it didn't work... I'll get to this in a bit. As for your friends that left you... It's something I had to learn over time, sadly... Sometimes people are only in your life for so long. As painful and suckish as it is... Which could mean it is time to find some new people. Not saying that's an easy thing to do in your position... But you staying here and talking is a great way to start things off, wouldn't you say? =D I had a friend just like that though. People wouldn't wanna be around her, and when they were they'd just hate her, leave her, and all that. So I understand exactly how that works... I'll get back to this in a bit as well. A bit of advice I had picked up in my life is... Even if people hate you, for some unknown reason, and we don't know why or how, or the details of it, the best thing is to know that God loves you no matter what. He truly does =D To jump ahead in your post, I am familiar with your feelings of Him being so far away, a lot of people I know are to. Now, not saying you are doing this, but it could be that you're not truly welcoming Him in. That happened to one of my friend,s he thought he was doing it right, but he wasn't. So I am not going to assume this position on to you, instead, I'll give you my first thoughts on it.

It's only when He feels so far... That's when He's actually closest to you. You don't have to look to hard to find Him, and trying to look that hard is a mistake we make a lot as humans when he look for something. Though I won't lie, sometimes persistence is something God sometimes asks of us, so if that's the case, He may just want you to keep holding on. You're alive my friend, you serve a purpose =D Disregard what others think of you. God thinks of you as a creation He's built to love, and you serve a purpose =D Other Christians who don't like you? Glad to know they're Christians and that they love the Lord, but honestly, they should accept you for who you are, if they don't, that's not the right crowd. Look around here, we love you =D Me and you have never talked, but I love you so much. My love for you is incredible, hence why I am writing this all for you =D

Learning disorders and Chemical imbalances are somewhat common and make sense. I know someone with this some Chemical imbalance if I am not mistaken, depression, right? Because of something in the brain? Learning disabilities is nothing. Not everyone can learn like everyone else lol I myself aren't very good at learning some things, but are in others, probably like you =D It just sometimes takes awhile to find out exactly what those things are.

Me getting back to those things I said I'd get back to... Now, you being alive right now and not being to perform your thought out thing. It is most likely because you have a purpose here my friend, you're not out of this world for a reason. Though you or anyone may not know this reason, just give it time and it will surface ,trust me, it always does =D As for everyone hating you and stuff, honestly, it could just be the Enemy trying to push you to your breaking point. My one friend who had the same problem had that, and my mom and brother.... Well, had a different one. The enemy can mark us with something. For my friend, it was loneliness and abandonment, like you. For my brother and mom, it was a mark of death. Thing is, I've dealt with that to many times, so I am going to pray against that, and be here with you whenever you need it. And I don't wanna speak for anyone, but I am sure everyone else would to. Thing is...

Jesus loves you. A whole lot, our God and Creator and the likes ADORES us. Isn't that something? Someone who created everything loves us. Laughs whenever we crack a joke and smiles like a little kid whenever we do something right. And He can feel so compassionate when we are down, and when we need someone or even Him. He takes care of us, though sometimes it can be really weird or unexpected lol And you know what? Since Jesus loves you o matter what, forgives you no matter what, and sticks with you no matter what, that is what I do. And I am also sure everyone else here also thinks that way as well =D Since Jesus loves you through everything, why shouldn't I? Right? =D Those other Christians didn't quite grasp that, which is OK. Just means they weren't supposed to be in your life sadly.

God is always there and ready to help, but sometimes He talks and helps in weird fashions, such as signs you need to look out for. It is odd, but it works lol. As for people hating you for things you didn't ask for... Well, a lot of people aren't going to like you, it's the world, but I understand what you mean. Those people don't like or care about you, that's there bad. They're missing out on a great person. A great Godly woman who holds on even in tough situations like these. Once again, I admire that. Just saying. And as for fixing things... One thing I've also learned is that sometimes, we can't always fix things.. And that sometimes we just have to wait it out. Sometimes us trying to if things actually makes it worse, because we get in the way of how God wants to do it, y''know?

I understand you being lost and confused... I get those feelings. I was once suicidal. I'll be out in the open with that, back when I was younger, people used to use me and call me names and never appreciate me, so I considered it, considered running away... Until I found my purpose in life. Which was.. To well, besides worshiping him, it's to help people. I love people lol Like you, you're a person, ja? :3 That's what I thought! =D And my other friend who had the same things as you... It eventually went away, because she continued to hope and was with Jesus until the end. Even if you can't hear or feel His presence, He's always there, we just have to trust that He'll do what He promised, and He always tells the truth! And also, Everyone has issues, especially in the past, it's up to us to learn from those issues and not do it again =D Though if it's an issues like depression, it may be a little harder then a skip a hop and a jump over the lake to the promise land. Which I get totally. It just means that there's something more to do with God... Something more to do with patience and to see what He has in store for you.

[animefanatic777]

Also, no need to feel pathetic telling people your problems, trust me, it's always better to let it out. It takes more courage to let it out then to keep it inside =D So it's the opposite of being pathetic, you're being brave, so I applaud you for that =D

Hmm.. I hope that helped... Sorry for rambling, I tend to do that lol Just remember though, God is always there, always RIGHT there, we just don't have to look anymore. We just acknowledge His presence. We've already found Him, we just have to know He's right there, y'know? =D I hope everything's OK... Keep us updated, yes please? =D Hope to hear from you soon ^-^

Sorry for the double post, I just posted to much, so I had to finish it XD Hope this all helped you out =D Oh! And PS: Jesus loves you very much ^0^

[DangoDaikazoku]

Never give up hope, for in the dark it shines the brightest. You are being tested, and I am praying for you now. I hope you see God is holding you in his arms and he will not let you go. Keep holding on because life is a gift that only lasts so long. God has a plan in mind for you. I know I don't have the slightest idea what you are going through, but I will follow you as far as I can, and God will follow you all the way no matter which path you choose. God Bless.

[Aedin]

I'm only posting here because I'm breaking down, and I should probably think out my thoughts first, but if I keep it all inside any longer I'm gonna explode and I'm afraid I'll try to kill myself. Just earlier today I massively ODed, (took like five times the amount I'm supposed to) on my antidepressants. And now my mom was just on the computer so I got massively distracted and lost my train of thought. I don't know. I'vee been gone cause I've been trying to figure things out. I don't remember my train of thought, and if I don't finllay get my thoughts out I'll end up doing something to myself (even though technically I kindof did already). I'm so tired, and I'm so confused. I broke down crying at work last night, it's so pathetic. I hate being such a screwup. I feel like I'm killing myself trying to force my thoughts out. I keep praying, asking God to help, nothing happens. I just don't understand life anymore. I spent a long time trying to decide whether or not I'd make a post that helps explain me, but I don't know if it'll help or not. Maybe I'll just post some of it here. Been crying and suicidal for a whle. I hate myself so much. I'm not even Christian anymore, I gave up. I don't believe anymore that God or Jesus care about me. I know they exist, I'll never doubt they exist, IL just don't believe anymore that they care about me. I have a chemical imbalance I'm trying to fix as best I can, a learning disorder I can't fix, but am trying to deal with, and IA've bene trying for months to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. Those three things, are the reasons people hate me and leave. And most of those people don't even care how they hurt me. I hate how alone and meaningless I am. I could die tomorrow and noone will care. I do something important at work, something I feel I should be proud of (or even the fact that I have two jobs now) and all I can think about is noone else cares, none of it matters at all. I hate it. Suicidal depression for nine years, severe social anxiety for I don't know how many years, and emotional abuse my whole life. I've never used them as excuses for anything, and everytime I've mentIoned them on this site, I didn't use them as excuses, I mentioned them to try to help people here understand me. I meet Christians in person, they ignore me or hate me, for things that I'm trying my best to change, but can't change. They don't even get to know me or understand me before abandoning me. Non-Christians I meet in person, some of them have been really mean and hateful, but most of them, I'm just too different, that being friends with them doesn't help me feel less alone. Most Christians on most sites on other sites I've been on, they ignored me or hated me too, or acted like I was pathetic and worse than them because I haven't healed yet. Some people keep telling me not to apologize, that the problems are other people's fault, but if I"m so easy for about 90% of Christians I meet to hate me, clearly it has something to do with me. I try to be a good person, a good friend, I don't even know. I try to be good, and listen to people, and help them, it's just I need support and people to talk to reliably, and be friends with, and talk about stuff like games and anime with, and most people just end up hating me for it, and I honestly don't know why I'm so messed up. I hate it all so much. I'm trying to heal and get over things, but it's hard, and I don't know how to, and I just don't know. I'm terrified to try to meet new Christians. Most Christians I meet who seem nice, end up abandoing me too, or end up being mean, so I'm even more scared to try to meet new people. Scared everyone will hate me. That seems to be the trend. I don't know. Someone on this board, (none of you know them, cause they've never actually posted on here, they just made an account and PMed me) PMed me to say they can't help me. First off, what's wrong with me just wanting friends I can talk to? That's all people on here can do, and that's all I've wanted from people here. Second, I never talked to that person before, I didn't know they existed before they PMed me. So why did they PM me out of the blue simply to say they can't help me?

I know a lot of people here have misunderstood a lot about me, misunderstanding my intentions or why I've done what I've done. I want to make a post, to explain things, I've just spent the past few months trying to decide if it'll work or not. I know I'[ve been accused of a lot of things here, and I'm sorry taht happened, but most of them were just misunderstandings. I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish all the memories would go away, I wish I could forget my whole life. I'm not mad at anyone here, just hurt and confused. I feel the need to stress I'm not trying to be accusatory, or mad, just confused and a little hurt. Many months ago, I was going through some personal problems, and I made a post saying I might disappear for a bit, because I had friends on here, and I didn't want anyone to worry about me if I disappeared. I don't remember the details of that whole thread, but I do remember it ended up basically with a few people (I don't remember how many, or who) making me feel and sound like I'm a horrible person, and when I tried to explain and clear things up, it all just got worse. And then, not to rehash details, but someone hurt me a lot, I came here cause it was the only place I could think of to go to for support, and the same thing happened. Some people were nice and decent, most people were mean for no reason (that I remember) and accused me of a bunch of stuff I didn't even do, some people seemed to be mad at me because I wasn't taking responsbility for what the person who hurt me did, and because I wasn't acting like I was the bad guy, and that I wasn't solely responsible, when to be honest, I was barely responsible. One person actually yelled at me because I "was making the other person out to be the bad guy". So basically, someone hurts me, more than I've ever been hurt before, I come here for support, and most people here want me to blame myself for everything, want me to hold myself responsibile for things I didn't do, they accuse me of things I didn't do, and when I try to explain and clear things up, they kept saying I was making up excuses. Feels like everything I do and say is the wrong thing to do and say. And yes, some people have seemed nice and supportive, but some of those people ended up being the complete opposite of who they seemed to be, so now I'm afraid of reaching out to the nice people, in case I just get hurt again and my problems get worse. I'm so confused because I have no idea where to go, who to talk to, what to do. I'mw leaving the faith anyway, most likely. Most (not all, but most) of the people who have hurt me in life, on this site and in other places, don't seem to care, I've tried to have calm conversations with them (i.e not yelling at them or acting accusatory, just being like "this happened and it made me feel this way") and they just don't seem to care at all. Some people got offended and insulted me for no reason, I apologzied to them for it, they won't talk to me or apologize for what they did, they don't seem to care what they did. Feels like everyone's gonna hate me, that there's no way to work through anything. I can't go to Christians to help, God's completely absent, and I can't believe in any other religion, so I feel like there's no hope for me, I'm wtotaly screwed. Most things I do or say, here or otherwise, get twisted into something totally random, to make me look like a bad person, and then I get insulted or judged for things I didn't do. I've felt really judged on this site. I feel like almost everything I say or do is judged, by people who don't even understand, and I don't get why. I had a friend for a year (I met her on another site, I don't think she's ever been here) one day she manipulated me (and admitted it) to show me that people can have misunderstandings. She acted like she did nothing wrong. Then when I was confused and needed to talk, she accused me of manipulating her, and dropped me like nothing. She hasn't talked to me since. I don't get why so many Christians, so many people, hate me and judge me without knowing me at all. I hate that I'm totally alone, God's not helping me. and most Christians I talk to say God won't help me cause I have low faith, which basically means through I'd say about half, or mostly, not my fault, I'm on a downward spiral that's gonna send me to hell, and God's not gonna help me. I don't get why I'm so messed up and so easily hated. I wish I could talk about things, work things out with the people who hurt me. I wish most of the people who hurt me would care at all. I wish I had a way to kill myself. And I also really don't get why some people on this site barely tried to help me at all, then blamed me for them not being able to help me, when they won't listen when I explain how they can help me, then they act like they care and all, but they refuse to help me, when they haven't done anything to try to help me, then act like it's all my fault. I don't get people anymore. I screw up all the time, I hate myself, but I always try to talk things through and fix them. I don't get why so many people hate me and don't care at all. What's wrong with me>

[Midori]

We would help if we could. We are not psychologists or professional therapists. The only help we can give is emotional support and prayer, and please believe that we are trying our best to give you that. Read over the earlier replies in this thread again. Do you see everyone villainizing you and blaming you? Or do you see people sympathizing and praying?

I don't think it's fair to say we're hurting you when we're trying to help. And I don't say that intending to make you feel bad; I say that so you can understand better. Open your eyes and look. Are we throwing you off and ignoring your pain? Or are we trying to give you hope? If somebody here has done you wrong and not apologized, I would like to apologize right now on behalf of the entire board. But please don't ignore our kindness and claim we don't care.

EDIT: Oh, and if you ever meet a Christian who says they hate you, you can be assured that they are sinning, because Christians are not supposed to hate anyone. The bible is clear on this. We are supposed to love even our enemies and do good even to those who hate us. Anyone who claims to love God yet hates their brother or sister is a liar.

[Yuki-Anne]

Aedin, I'm sorry you've been hurt. But some of us really do care about you and don't want you to hurt yourself.

[Yuki-Anne]

Aedin, I was reading my Bible tonight, and it just so happened that God brought you to mind as I read. I was reading 2 Corinthians, and it just seemed like a passage that might be of some small comfort to you.

2 Corinthians 1:3-11
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.
For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened so that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.

I know there's not much of anything I can say right now that can help you, but I hope that you can glean some comfort from those verses. Even though Paul and his compatriots gave up hope, they continued to trust that deliverance would come from God. My prayer for you, Aedin, is that you will have the strength to continue to trust, and that deliverance will come soon. God cares, and he has not and will not abandon you, no matter what you feel has happened in your dark times.

[Kunoichi]

Praying as always Aedin.

[Aedin]

We would help if we could. We are not psychologists or professional therapists. The only help we can give is emotional support and prayer, and please believe that we are trying our best to give you that.r.

my iPod sucks, so I had to delete most of the quote. Sorry. You're right, noone here is a psychologist or therapist and that's ok. I never expected anyone here to be one. What bothers me though, is all the memories of peoplehere making up baseless assumptions that I want people here to be psychiatrists and fix everything for me, and then they act like I don't want to do anything to help myself, and when I defend myself, or prove they're wrong, they ignore me and I sult me more. The past yearon this site has literally been the most offensive year of my life. Too much evidence that Christians only care about judging and condemning and that I'd you have problems they think you're evil pathetic and worthless. All I ever wanted fromthis site was emotional support and friendship. Then all my friends disappeared, or I kept running into peoplewhose main purpose was to make me feel worse. As if being on my own personal suicide watch 24/7 wasn't bad enough, most Christians I meet have to do their best to make sure I get. More damaged and suicidal.

Midori, stop apologizing lol. You've neverhurt me at all.

I never mean to ignore people who seem to want to help. There's just a Lon history of everyone I trust betraying me and never caring at all, or they give up onme, and when I try to talk things out, they tell me I'm wrong, ori sult me, then abandon me

[Warrior 4 Jesus]

Mate, all I've seen is people trying to help. That you see otherwise reflects your state of mind. Seriously, get some professional help. Initially it's a bit scary but it definitely encourages healing.

[Aedin]

Mate, all I've seen is people trying to help. That you see otherwise reflects your state of mind. Seriously, get some professional help. Initially it's a bit scary but it definitely encourages healing.

I know you're trying to help, but you're wrong. Maye people in this thread have only been trying to help, but overall, my time on this site has shown me Christians judge, condemn, ignore, or hate people who are different and need help. That people like me are shunned. Yes, there's people who seem to want to help. Except all you're seeing, man, is posts on a thread. Most of these people, when I try to have real conversations, they turn nasty and insulting and offensive, simply because I';m sad sometimes, or nervous, or don't understand things perfectly, or sometimes have questions.

You say all you've seen is people trying to help. The fact that I've seen differently, doesn't reflect my state of mind. It reflects that once you try to talk to the people, instead of just read their posts, you see how much they think regular people are beneath them, how hateful and judgmental they are, and how much they love to make you feel worse. It also reflects that I believe things and how people act matters, unlike most people I've talked to on this board, and it reflects that I hold people accountable, and expect Christians to act in a Christian way rather than to not pay attention to anything and act like nothing matters.

And by the way, no offense to you. You've never wronged me. I'm just saying what this site has shown me. And maybe you're right about it reflecting my state of mind. But you know what's sad about that? The fact that it's a sign I've been abused so much and need both support and professional help, yet at least 90 percent of Christians would rather insult or abandon people who need support, or do their best to make the person feel worse.

[Okami]

Father God, I praise You for the work I see You performing in Aedin's life. Please ease the tension of doubt and pain that he feels, Lord. Continue to work in him and strengthen him, and help him to see that You work all things for good and to your glory. Let Aedin know that he is loved and welcome here, and that we do care. It's in Jesus' name that I pray, Amen!

I'm glad to see you still around, Aedin. It gives me hope to know that you're still fighting. Keep it up, bro. You're doing pretty great, despite the pain and the mistrust.