Just wanted to say sorry.

[Beau Soir]

It hurts me to see you in pain, Aedin, and also because I know that I myself can't help you any more. This is my last try, if you will hear me... But no matter what, please, remember that God loves you with an indescribable love that never lessens, whatever sins you may commit. God has all the things in the universe, and He is in need of nothing, but He still loves you. His love can replace the negativity and anger in your life, and He can heal your emotional scars, but only if you let Him do so.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

There really are only two ways. Your own way, with handling things yourself, like how this thread has turned out to be full of anger and frustration... or God's way? Which will you choose?

I will continue to pray for you, Aedin. God bless you.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

If we aren't being loving to Aedin, then how can we say that we're any better than him and tell him how to behave? He says stuff online. But you can't assess his heart based off of simply the text he writes.

Edit: This is towards a few individuals in this thread. Call it "tough love" if you will, but I'm not seeing it. There's a difference between being assertive and making assumptions (no matter how educated you think it may be).

[Midknight74012]

Well well, doesn't look like I'm the only one that has directed you to Jeremiah 29:11, think God is trying to tell you something? And dude, remember how I've tried to help you? Direct you to the nearest church that can and will help a broken soul, I've told you about how I experienced forgiveness despite what I did was horrific and your the only person outside my family that knows this (Don't Remember? PM me). I know that trying to find a friend online can be easy but still difficult with one's issues. It's better to have a body that uses their ears more then their mouths, sitting across from you, enjoying a cup of joe with nothing but words of love and wisdom. It's true, there can be tough love but it has it's purposes, remember that.

Be nice if I could fly to where you're at so I can do better then a message board but unfortunately, flying is a little pricier then I like for it to be, $0. Once again recommend reading through the gospels then the epistles. Not much, 1 chapter at a time. Sure, you probably know the story of Christ, you probably heard it a million times. But read through it yourself, you could've missed something. Oh, and I WILL BE CONTACTING YOU TO SEE IF YOU READ IT!!! I'll be your accountability partner and I'll be reading as well. This is not a voluntary thing...

Need a little pick-me-up? Note the song I post a lot What Faith Can Do by Kutless

[TGJesusfreak]

The mods can delete this post if they want. But I want to say something, it REALLY hard for me to say Aedin because the true test of love is saying what's hard, not what's easy.

Besides the forgivness Aedin, you have to realize that you are acting VERY selfish. I'm not accusing you, it's actually a fact by your actions.
This doesn't mean that you need to get all sad and depressed. This means that you need to work on this and not ignore it.

When you look to your own heart Aedin all you will EVER see is sadness. You're probably like that from your hard childhood, having to care for youself and having to close up. We've heard that 1000 times and I'm SURE we understand it by now. Because of that you've learned to look out for yourself a bit, i think. And a lot of that turned to selfishness.

Take it from me, a guy who was VERY selfish for a while, It leads to depression and the longer you only care for only yourself (or at least MOSTLY yourself) the more frustrated and depressed you get.

If you don't beleive me that your selfish then answer these.

How many posts have you done in other prayer threads to help support other people besides yourself and what you want? (This includes your posts about your girlfriend. They were done for what YOU wanted. Because YOU wanted her to stay with you.)

Is there 1 post in this past month or 2 that you've done for someone BESIDES yourself?
If so show me.



How can you make friends if all you care about is yourself? EVERY relationship ANYWHERE required you to give something up. Marraige, friendships, even your relationship with God requires you to change and give something up.

That "something" is usually love. But because of your lack of forgivness for others. you can't show enough love to people. A lack of forgivness equals a lack of love Aedin.
That's not an opinion, it's a fact.



Now what does the bible say about being selfish? This:

James 3:14-16
But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.

Now that might be a bit extreme but guess what? You keep saying how you're confused and don't know what to do. That's disorder. You are longing for friends like everyone else. That's jealousy of a kind.
So being selfish leads to evil and pain of your heart.

How do you fix this? Once again the bible provides:

Philippians 2:3-4
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

There you have it. Help others. Just imagine, if you did random acts of kindess and helped everyone you could then you'd feel a lot better.

This site will help you a bit I think: http://epistle.us/articles/trusting.html

[Aedin]

I have a couple things to say, and then I'll respond to TG's latest post.

First off, thank you to RD and Mr. Smarty Pants for being understanding. Everything else I have to say, well, I've been crying all day, so it's hard to get my thoughts together. First off, I explained everything about my chemical imbalance, my learning disorder, my years of abuse, all that stuff, to help people understand how I am. I wasn't using them as excuses to accept me as I am, to act like I do no wrong, I just thought people would understand more, if they knew more about me. I was never trying to make excuses. It honestly hurts to see all these misunderstandings, and no matter how I try to clear them up, I can't fix them.

I made all those prayer threads, and all those posts, because my life was falling apart. I thought this was a safe place to let my feelings out. I thought thi was a place full of people who would care and pray for me. I'mq uestioning that now. One member here already basically told me to shut up, in my thread, and whe nI stood up for myself, I was berated by another member. I was trying to get to a place where I was healed enough, that I could help other people, talk about things besides my problems. I've had people rail at ame about how you can't help anyone if you're in pain yourself. so I was trying to heal enough so I could help others. It's been made pretty clear though, that I haven't healed fast enough for most people who have responded to me. It's kinda w eird that I hear how it takes a wahile to hear, yet most people in this thread are expecting me to heal instantly, and acting like I"m a horrible person because I haven't yet. I don't know what to say next. I thought I could here to help heal, but that's not the case. What hurts most though, is I came here expecting to find people I can talk to, people who will help me, and support me, as I try to grow in my relationship with God, and Christ, and to have people to check in with, and support me, on my steps to healing. Accountability partners, I guess, would be the term? Except I was thinking more an Accountability Community. I pray every night, I read my bible, I'm trying to find a good church, I only read books by Christian authors, designed to help people like me fix my problems. I've seen counselors for two years, trying to work on the problems I mention on this board.

Yet I come here, and from most of you, all I see is judgment and contempt. I see people acting like I do nothing to help myself, when they know nothing about what I do to help myself. T hye don't know my fear of being alone, so I need a support system, which I Hoped to find here. All I see, from most of you, is trying to make me feel like a horrible person, berating me, everything's my fualt, I blame everyone else for everything. A member basically told me to shut up because I needed to talk about things more than once. Another member, who I thought could be trusted, I know she would tell me the same thing if I needed to talk again. Healing takes time, effort, and support. I'm the only one that can make the effort, but so far, I don't see the ewillingness to put in time and support from most of you. I know I'm screwed up (someone here actually told me to stop saying that about myself) and I Know I have to put a lot of effort in, I was just hoping for people to talk to, relate to, and support me, to care, and when I'm healed enough, I could do the same for them. But time and time again, I've just seen people say "I can't help you" or "there is no helping you". You all talk about healing takes time, yet most of you don't seem willing to give anyone any time to heal. I thought this was gonna be a safe, supportive, Christian site where I could find understanding and help heal. So far though, I believe I was mistaken. And I know this is all gonna be twisted into "he's just making excuses. What hurts the most though, is I was so hurt last night, I became suicidal. I couldn't stop thinking of downing a bottle of pills to try to put myself in a coma. I'm still struggling with that. And what hurts more, is I admit that, but I know most of you are gonna say things like "he's just making excuses" or "he's trying to balme everyone else for everything" or even accuse me of trying to get pity for myself. Now I'm struggling even more with wondering if all Christians will hate me, if I'll be alone forever, and if God cares at all about me. But I know that doesn't bother most of you.

I'm not comfortable here anymore. This isn't a safe place. I'll PM some people who said they were willing to help me, and hopefully they'll be willing to talk off of this site.

I only have three things to say. One, please pray I'll find a good Christian community who will support me while I heal, instead of setting me back.

Two, when people come here with problems, realy try to get to know them, understand them, before judging them or condemning them, or thinking they're hopeless. Because you don't know exactly what they're going through.

And the third thing, and what really hurts most. This was all just a huge misunderstanding, that no matter how much I tried to fix it, Icouldn't. I couldn't make people understand. I just made people dislike me more, view me more negatively.

TG, I'm really trying not to have a breakdown right now. I'll respond to your post as soon as possible.

[Cloud500]

If you're having urges to kill yourself, you really need to talk to a doctor or someone like that immediately because this is a very serious issue.

[Nate]

I explained everything about my chemical imbalance, my learning disorder, my years of abuse, all that stuff, to help people understand how I am. I wasn't using them as excuses to accept me as I am, to act like I do no wrong, I just thought people would understand more, if they knew more about me. I was never trying to make excuses. It honestly hurts to see all these misunderstandings, and no matter how I try to clear them up, I can't fix them.

Aedin, the problem is, you ARE using them as excuses. You called your ex a liar and a user and said she manipulates people. When people called you out on it and said you were being hurtful and mean and rude and acting EXACTLY HOW YOU SAY PEOPLE TREAT YOU your response was "Quit picking on me I have problems!" That's using your problems as an excuse.

I notice not once, not one time, did you ever say "I'm sorry" for saying those things. I notice not once, not ever, did you say "I shouldn't have said those things." You're expecting everyone to coddle you and tell you everything you want to hear. However, the problem is as I've explained, telling you what you WANT to hear and telling you what you NEED to hear are two very different things.

I thought thi was a place full of people who would care and pray for me.

If we didn't care we wouldn't be posting. We'd just ignore you. The very fact that we're posting tells you we care.

The problem is we're just not telling you what you want to hear. We're actually actively trying to help you by telling you things you need to work on, and every time we try your response is "Stop being so mean!"

I don't see the ewillingness to put in time and support from most of you.

There's only so many people on this site. How many do you need to put in time and support? I know people who have. I know I'm not one of them, because my own life is a mess and I need to get it straightened up. I fully admit that, and I admit I don't have time to really sit down and listen to people's problems. Also, I'm very bad at knowing what to say most of the time.

I will say, however, if people aren't willing to put in time and support, are all these posts in your prayer threads robots? Are they sophisticated computer AI programs designed to realistically approximate human speech? Because otherwise, you are really insulting the people who have taken time to post there, and posted more than just "I'm praying." Which is, from what I've seen, quite a few.

But time and time again, I've just seen people say "I can't help you" or "there is no helping you".

We can't help you. They're being honest. This is what I'm saying, you only want to hear what you want to hear. When someone says "I can't help you, you need to go see a professional," that's not what you want to hear. You want to hear "I can solve all your problems all by myself." When someone tells you "I can't help you, only God can" you don't want to hear that.

We're only human. This is the internet. We're not licensed professional psychiatrists. We can only do so much and that's the point. When someone says "There is no helping you," okay, that's rough, I admit that. But we are human and we get exasperated, we get frustrated when you keep saying "I want to change" and people say "Then forgive those who have hurt you, don't lash out at others in anger, go see a psychiatrist rather than a counselor," and your response is "But but but."

You don't just magically change by sitting around and doing nothing. I'm reminded of a joke.

There was bad flooding in an area, and a man was on the second floor of his house. A boat came by to take him to safety. The man refused, saying "God will rescue me."

The flooding got even worse and the man was forced to go onto the roof of his house. Another boat came by and offered to take him to safety, but again the man refused, saying "God will rescue me."

Finally, the flooding got so bad the man was desperately clinging to the top of his chimney, when a helicopter flew by and offered to take the man to safety. Again, the man declined, saying "God will rescue me."

The man was eventually swallowed by the flood waters and died. When he stood before God, the man asked "Why didn't you rescue me?"

God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want from me?"

Praying and trusting God is nice but you have to actively try to do things to change yourself and get better! This is what I am saying. This is what TG is saying. This is what almost everyone who has posted in these threads has been saying. You say you want proof God cares about you? It's in this thread. It's right here. It's these posts.

[Roy Mustang]

I do pray that you get better and if you do move on, then you do find peace.

[font="Book Antiqua"][color="Red"]Col. Roy Mustang[/color][/font]

[Okami]

Aedin, if you dig far back into my past here you'll find a thread of 200+ posts that should have been locked due to the amount of debate it had going on it. It was not an easy thread, I was shallow and suicidal and after a while, pretending to be okay. I understand even having the thought of not wanting to trust the people here, or even giving up all together (I left for 2.5 years a few months later) and it's just not an easy thing to do, to trust.

I believe you CAN overcome the level of emotion you're in, because I've been there, and I'm still there some days, but I am working towards being out. Sometimes the walls are so steadily closing in that we have to take it in a second-by-second, minute-by-minute, every-hour, day-by-day approach. The key thing is remembering that a set back is not a failure if we keep pressing beyond it. Depression isn't easy, but you've got to take the steps towards getting the right kind of psychological help for yourself, alongside the right kinds of medication. It's scary. I have walked that street seemingly alone. But look at me now! I'm stronger because I took a chance and reached out for help.

We're here for you. We want to see you happy again, and living life to its fullest and loving the work of furthering the Kingdom. Know your story is important, that help is out there, available for you. Hope is real. Never forget that!

[Aedin]

I'm too overwhelmed right now to read the new posts, or to respond to TG's post yet, but I wanted to say, I do recognize I shouldn't have posted those things about my girlfriend on this site. I shouldn't have said she was a member of this site. I was hurt, emotional, and that wasn't really a good excuse.

As for me using my problems as excuses (I did catch that part) I'd try to explain that more, but it would just be seen as making more excuses.

Also, I remember someone saying about me, Roy Mustang, and goldenspines, and what happened between the three of us. Whoever mentioned that, it was all a huge misunderstanding, that you know nothing about, so you have no place to say anything.

[TGJesusfreak]

Hey I never said posting prayer threads was bad. But the fact that you post only for yourself and don't respond to others at all shows me that you only care about your problems Aedin. That's just kinda selfish, sorry to be blunt.

And the reason you making excuses for your excuses will be seen as more excuses is rather obvious isn't it?

And Aedin, instead of responding with excuses on my post. why don't you apply what I said instead of coming up with a wall of 3000 characters of text? You dont need to makes excuses. Take if from an person who's been an addict. Making excuses is just a way of avoiding doing something.

No more walls of text Aedin. Sitting here typing all day about your problems won't help ok? Get out there and DO something about it. Start actually APPLYING what people have said.

You say you want help but what kind of "help"? The pat you on the back and feel bad for you kind? Or the kind where you actually take the advice and try it out and genuinly TRY and apply it. Because whenever someone gives advice you take it as an insult and post a wall of text saying the EXACT same things over and over and over and over again. We get it Aedin, you're messed up. We all are, now go out and apply the advice and accept your prokeness. only God can peice your heart together Aedin.

[Furen]

As for me using my problems as excuses (I did catch that part) I'd try to explain that more, but it would just be seen as making more excuses.

Try us, we've listened already so why not tell?

We really do care but if you don't open up and soften we really can't help no matter how much we desperately care, we want to be here hense the 72 posts that have accumulated in 2 days. If I didn't care I'd ignore this and not give it a second thought but I do care, which is why I'm here posting right now. We don't give up on you but it seems you are giving up on yourself.

[Htom Sirveaux]

Aedin, I'm sorry for losing my cool and saying there was no helping you. I take it back. I spoke out of sheer frustration and I apologize. If you would forgive me without bearing a grudge, we could consider that a step in the right direction for you. There's all the help you need if you're willing to buckle down and accept, then apply it.

It feels like we're finally starting to get somewhere. Furen's right. Relax. Open up. Try to explain to us why you use your problems as excuses for your behavior. We haven't given up on you so far, and surely you must realize that we won't.

If you reply to this post, don't reply with "Yeah, but. . . ." Reply with something progressive and constructive.

[TGJesusfreak]

And just so you know Aedin. On a more positive note I do see some improvement in you, and you deserve credit for the progress you've made. Sorry If I didn't give you credit where credit was due. You are doing better.

[goldenspines]

I'm too overwhelmed right now to read the new posts, or to respond to TG's post yet, but I wanted to say, I do recognize I shouldn't have posted those things about my girlfriend on this site. I shouldn't have said she was a member of this site. I was hurt, emotional, and that wasn't really a good excuse.

As for me using my problems as excuses (I did catch that part) I'd try to explain that more, but it would just be seen as making more excuses.

My advice, take it or leave it (and I think this can apply to all members in case people actually read my post XD)
It might be beneficial to step away from this thread for a day or so to be able to cool down and not be as overwhelmed. I don't think you or anyone else here wants you to be more stressed out over this.

Also, I remember someone saying about me, Roy Mustang, and goldenspines, and what happened between the three of us. Whoever mentioned that, it was all a huge misunderstanding, that you know nothing about, so you have no place to say anything.

In all honesty, I haven't seen anyone bring this issue up, except maybe Roy (who was involved and actually does know something about it). I don't see the need to bring it up again, though, actually. What's past is past. I've personally forgiven you for that (because you did hurt me at that time) and I apologized via PM for any harm I may have caused you unintentionally.

[Aedin]

Right now I only feel comfortable responding to goldenspine's post. I don't remember who brought up what happened between you, me, and Roy, but I don't believe it was you or Roy. And the reason I see it's non oe their business, because, for one, it isn't, and second, because you, me, and Roy have all talked to each other, cleared things up, and forgiven each other. So you're right, there's no need to bring it up again. And in case I forgot to say it before, I'm sorry for hurting you too.

[Furen]

Hey look that sounds like we're getting somewhere! So I guess we should ease into it a bit (Not dramatically slow but I guess we shouldn't have jumped into lightning round either). So where do we go from here? Looks like forgiveness in being worked on at this moment, I think that that is a good step up.

[goldenspines]

Right now I only feel comfortable responding to goldenspine's post. I don't remember who brought up what happened between you, me, and Roy, but I don't believe it was you or Roy. And the reason I see it's non oe their business, because, for one, it isn't, and second, because you, me, and Roy have all talked to each other, cleared things up, and forgiven each other. So you're right, there's no need to bring it up again. And in case I forgot to say it before, I'm sorry for hurting you too.

It's all good. I'm glad things are square between us now.

[Aedin]

I really wanted to post here again, and clear everything up, but I read through people's posts, and people here just assume so much about me, it really does feel like some of you are just out to get me, when I made no personal attacks against any of you. I don't know. I guess I'm just wondering if it's gonna be possible to exxplain or clear anything up. Ecverytime I try, I get to hear about how I'm making excuses, when really all I'm trying to do is explain why I am the way I am, to the best of my ability. I don't know. I know posting here is mostly pointless, I guess I just wonder why so many of you have to assume so much about me, and why a couple of you had to lash out at me, when I hadn't done anything personal to any of you, and to those I did, I apologized, and tried to make things right. I want to fix everything, I want to make it all ok again. I just don't feel like I'll truly be listened to, I feel like everything I say, people will base more assumptions off it, or my words will be twisted, or whatnot. People keep saying I'm not willing to listen. I am willing to listen, even when people say what I don't want them to say. It just feels like noone's willing to actually listen ot me, and know what I'm saying, before they react. I'm willing to talk it all out, I just need to know others are too.

Anyway, if it matters at all, I've been on new meds lately, I'm extremely suicidal, and I've totally lost faith that there's someone out there for me, and I'm seriously starting to wonder if God cares about me at all. I don't see how anyone can care about me or love me. And I'd go into why, but I'm afraid I'll get to hear about excuses again.

[ABlipinTime]

I think we need to start with your perception about God. That's really where Satan is attacking you best. You need to stop doubting that God cares about you.

So let's begin by trying to answer the atheistic question, "Why does a good God permit evil?"
A priest I listen to every so often summed up the answer best: "To bring out the greater good."

Everything you go through right now will build character. Maybe in your life God wasn't your focus, and so God leaves you with this problem so that you'll actually focus on Him. And then once you do, things will become marvelous! (Not overnight; after all, God worked on me for 6 years to change my heart to focusing on Him, and that was NOT a fun experience.)

So let's see the good in this Aedin. God has everything in His power, and when you feel like everything is going miserably for you, remember that such a time God is working on you. Then let your heart be filled with confidence in the Lord for He is with you. If you think about that, already you will feel your joy begin to be renewed.

Believe, my friend. Believe in our wonderful, our awesome, our loving, gracious God who has all things in His hands.

I'm praying for you!

God bless you!

[TGJesusfreak]

As usual I'm praying Aedin. Only God can heal you after all. Prayer is the greatest thing I have to give you.

[AnimeGirl]

No one's giving up on you, Aedin-kun, just please don't give up on us! I've cried many times during our conversations, not really 'cause you hurt me, but because you're hurting. But if you don't hold on, we won't be able to reach for your hand anymore. I don't want to see you go, I don't want you to go, I don't want you to walk out on God's family. God does care, I care, we care, and if you were to leave....if you were ever to give into the pain that is consuming you, eating away at you.....I don't know what I'd do. Even when you told me "it seems like you don't care" I never stopped being your friend. I want to help you, but you have to trust....and not trust me, but trust God, who will soften your heart. Remember what Jesus said? (I think in Matthew, forget where it is). "My burden is light and My yoke is easy" or something to that effect. I don't want anything bad to happen to you anymore, I don't want you to feel such emotional pain anymore, it's worse than pain you can feel upon your skin or in your guts. God loves you, He obviously does if we're all here. Don't give up on having faith, even just a little bit. Because how can it grow if you let that little flame of hope go out?

[Mister Frodo]

As always I'm praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts, Aedin. And it's not just me. There are others in this thread praying for you. We care about you, Aedin. I know that I'm not the best person, and I can be stupid and forget things or not be online when I should be, but I do care about you, and I want you to be blessed. I haven't seen you on YIM or Steam tonight, so I'm worried about you (though I know, of course, that something may have come up to prevent you from getting on; it's not like that hasn't happened to me a ton in the past). Whatever you're doing, please know that I and others are praying for you, and know most of all that God loves you and cares about you no matter what.

[Aedin]

major panic attack. can't stop shaking, gonna burst into tears. and the worst part is, I have no idea why. I was doing ok, then the attack came on. I don't th ink anything caused it. I'm just really scared nothing will work out for me, that everyone will leave me, that I'll never find what I'm looking for. I'm scared of trying to talk to people, yet I can't stop regretting not trying to talk to people. I hate this.

[Reon]

As I skimmed the posts, I had no clue what to think or what to say. So after reading my Bible and hunting a little for scriptures, here's the result. If you decide to read them, don't use them to judge other actions on this thread but use it as a mirror to judge yourself.
[color="DeepSkyBlue"]
[font="Comic Sans MS"]Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. [color="DimGray"]James 1:23-24[/color]

Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. [color="DimGray"]Galatians 6:4-5[/color]

But if we judged ourselves, we would not come under judgment. [color="DimGray"]1 Cor 11:31[/color]

[color="Yellow"]
--------------------[/color]

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. [color="DimGray"]1 Cor 13:13[/color]

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. [color="DimGray"]2 Cor 3:16[/color]

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. [color="DimGray"]1 John 4:18[/color]

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. [color="DimGray"]1 John 3:16[/color][/font][/color]

So now that you finished reading - did you read them quickly? Or did you meditate on those verses seeking to draw closer to God.

[Insert BUM BUM BUM BUM sound here]

... speaking of which I should pry reread them =P

Hope the verses are an encouragement to you Aedin [color="Red"]<3[/color]

[MrKrillz0r]

Hey Aedin, I'm not going to write anything about the matter as I think it won't be to any help but I'm praying for you mate. And if you want to PM me or something to just talk about a game, anime or anything at all just as a friend its cool! You don't have to worry that you will offend me or something. =D

[Aedin]

I'm having more severe panic attacks, almost every day. And every day this past week, I've been on the verge of tears all day, and I don't know why. At least I should be having an evaluation soon, if we can afford it. And I want to explain everything, I wan to clear everything up. I want to talk more and explain more. I'm just scared to, and I'm scared about how people will respond.

And I wanted to say TG is right, I was being selfish. I know I had my reasons, why I was being selfish (very few others here know why though) but that doesn't change that I was being selfish.

And one thing that's been bothering me, that I really wanted to clear up. I've never asked anyone to give me professional advice. I never expected anyone on this site to be able to fix all my problems. And not one person here has ever said "I can't help you, you need to see a professional" or anything like that. It's always just been "I can't help you." when all the help I ever wanted from anyone on here, is support as I work to change myself, to know I'm not alone, to know there's people out there who care and will show me. And it really hurts and sucks when people act like I'm trying to guilt trip people, or that I'm trying to make everyone else fix my problems for me. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to respond to more, but for now, all I can really say, is intentional or not, as much as people here say I've hurt them, a few people here have hurt me just as much. And when I say I don't use excuses, I mean it. I give reasons, to help people understand me, to help them understand why I do what I do, why I am how I am, but I don't use them as excuses to make what I do seem ok. I know I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. I know I've caused a lot of misunderstandings, and accidentally hurt people. I've never meant to hurt people. And if people want to know, I'm willing to give my reasons for everything, I'm willing to explain everything, especially because as I go through these posts, I see so many misunderstandings.

And I know it sounds stupid and pathetic, but I'm actually kindof scared to talk to people on here, so I hope that can b e understood.

[Okami]

Aedin. I know the panic, the fear, the guilt, the shame. I was there just a week ago, last Friday. For example, last Friday I was sitting in my room alone after talking with a friend and sudden anxiety overthrew me to the point where I was curled in a ball, wanting to cut myself with a razorblade. I texted my roommate and waited in pain for a response, hoping she'd come save me from myself. We then argued over text and that made it worse, and at the same time I was going to take the blade from the shelf and hurt myself with it, my neighbor rushed in and was like "Your roommate told me to come get you and get your butt over to the Administration Building...what are you doing?" "I was going to cut myself." "Not on my watch, get up, get over there!" Later that night that same anxiety had doubled up and burst over, and I had plans of throwing myself out into traffic, until a friend decided to come with me on my evening walk, foiling that plan.

Everything started coming full circle. My roommate kept telling me that I'm either going to do what God wants or I'm going to go to hell/die/die in a hole. Her harsh way of saying I know what I need to do, now get up and do it. Sunday's sermon was on the realities of hell and how to pick up and move beyond and do God's work. She then continued to say this week that we wouldn't be having any more in-depth conversations until she sees real change in me, with my getting up, growing up, moving on. "Don't tell me you're going to DO IT." is what her note says, actually. (There should be a semi-colon between going to and DO IT, but that's just my being nitpicky and she's not a grammatical person) I decided upon her reading me this note that I was going to take a chance and just give myself up. God's going to equip me for His work that He has called me to, I just have to trust in Him to do so. So I gave myself up, and last night while reading a book, at 1 am my stepmom texted me with a list of verses with a note of "I heard you were stressed, here's some verses on help through troubled times" and so I sat there and I read through all these verses, and this peace came over me to the point where I was just laughing, hoping not to wake my roommate. I just became so overwhelmed with joy.

I believe the same can happen for you, Aiden. Just let go. It is a terrifying aspect, to just let go and let God take control. I am a naturally anxious person, with a chemical imbalance that doesn't seem to get me anywhere, but I let God, and here I am, He's moving and doing His work in me.

Here's the list to help you get started -
§ Psalm 1
§ Psalm 3
§ Psalm 42
§ Psalm 116
§ Matthew 18:21-35
§ Luke 11:1-13
§ John 10:10
§ John Chs. 14-16
§ Philippians 4:4-13
§ 2nd Corinthians 1:2-7

[Syreth]

And not one person here has ever said "I can't help you, you need to see a professional" or anything like that.

I did. Check out your prayer thread titled "Drugs."

[Aedin]

Aedin. I know the panic, the fear, the guilt, the shame. I was there just a week ago, last Friday. For example, last Friday I was sitting in my room alone after talking with a friend and sudden anxiety overthrew me to the point where I was curled in a ball, wanting to cut myself with a razorblade. I texted my roommate and waited in pain for a response, hoping she'd come save me from myself. We then argued over text and that made it worse, and at the same time I was going to take the blade from the shelf and hurt myself with it, my neighbor rushed in and was like "Your roommate told me to come get you and get your butt over to the Administration Building...what are you doing?" "I was going to cut myself." "Not on my watch, get up, get over there!" Later that night that same anxiety had doubled up and burst over, and I had plans of throwing myself out into traffic, until a friend decided to come with me on my evening walk, foiling that plan.

Everything started coming full circle. My roommate kept telling me that I'm either going to do what God wants or I'm going to go to hell/die/die in a hole. Her harsh way of saying I know what I need to do, now get up and do it. Sunday's sermon was on the realities of hell and how to pick up and move beyond and do God's work. She then continued to say this week that we wouldn't be having any more in-depth conversations until she sees real change in me, with my getting up, growing up, moving on. "Don't tell me you're going to DO IT." is what her note says, actually. (There should be a semi-colon between going to and DO IT, but that's just my being nitpicky and she's not a grammatical person) I decided upon her reading me this note that I was going to take a chance and just give myself up. God's going to equip me for His work that He has called me to, I just have to trust in Him to do so. So I gave myself up, and last night while reading a book, at 1 am my stepmom texted me with a list of verses with a note of "I heard you were stressed, here's some verses on help through troubled times" and so I sat there and I read through all these verses, and this peace came over me to the point where I was just laughing, hoping not to wake my roommate. I just became so overwhelmed with joy.

I believe the same can happen for you, Aiden. Just let go. It is a terrifying aspect, to just let go and let God take control. I am a naturally anxious person, with a chemical imbalance that doesn't seem to get me anywhere, but I let God, and here I am, He's moving and doing His work in me.

Here's the list to help you get started -
§ Psalm 1
§ Psalm 3
§ Psalm 42
§ Psalm 116
§ Matthew 18:21-35
§ Luke 11:1-13
§ John 10:10
§ John Chs. 14-16
§ Philippians 4:4-13
§ 2nd Corinthians 1:2-7

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot more than I am. I'll pray for you, but it's good to know you have people around you.

I'm working on letting go and moving on and all that stuff. I got a few books about it all. I'm trying to calm the anxiety down to the point that I can actually read them though. I guess I'm also still trying to learn how to let go and trust God. I just keep doing what I think God wants me to do, and things get worse, or I don't trust my ability to know when, or what, God is speaking to me.