Been gone a while.

[Aedin]

Don't know if anyone recognizes me anymore. When I was here, I was dealing with depression. I'm not doing well, and for some reason this seemed the easiest place to reach out and post. I haven't been doing so well the past few weeks, and I don't know why. Things were generally going fine, I had some problems but they generally didn't bother me too much, now I can't stop crying. I feel like my depression and social anxiety make me a freak that noone will ever be able to be friends or put up with. I'm incredibly afraid of most Christians (which makes it weird that I feel like it's easy to post this here) I've OD'ed on my meds once before, and right now I've been struggling not to try it again. And no matter what I do, I can't convince myself anyone cares. I've been trying really hard to be a better Christian, and get closer to God and all that, and it's worked a bit, but in general I'm still having a hard time feeling he cares, and not feeling like I'm completely alone and noone cares and I'll never be able to make friends. I don't even know. Things just are getting kindof worse, and I'm trying to get closer to God, but I have so much stuff to work through, and I feel like I'm alone in working through it, and that makes it all worse.

[Tsukuyomi]

Welcome back ^__^

Depression is no easy thing to deal with :\ All I can say is try your best to keep in mind that you're not alone and others do care ^^ That's a bit easier said then done, but all that can be done is to try ^__^

I'll definitely be praying ^__^ Hang in there Aedin

[Reon]

Hey Aedin =) Welcome black and glad you posted here first.
If you feel like chatting with someone just hit me a private message whenever.

[goldenspines]

The wonderful thing about God is that you don't have to fix you own life before you can grow closer to Him. You don't have to sort things out before God will accept you and love you. Hence, you don't have to work alone through problems in you life, He wants to be right there with you.

I'll be praying.

[TheSubtleDoctor]

I am praying for you. I am not sure if you are doing this, but I encourage you to seek counseling from a professional therapist. You have complex issues that an untrained person (pastor, relative, whoever) will not totaly be able to understand or assist with. I should know: I have an anxiety disorder, and getting in therapy was the best thing I ever did. I pray that God provides you with such help, and that you learn to love yourself and others. I am remembering you at Mass.

[Sheenar]

I remember you, Aedin.
I second the recommendation to see a therapist. I see one regularly and she has helped me out a ton --there are a lot of deep-rooted causes for depression and talking them out with a trained therapist is a lot of help.

There are people who do care about you. Please stick around. Things will get better. And above all else, God is faithful and He will take care of you --even the worst crap that we go through in life can be used for good and His glory.

[Makachop^^128]

Will be praying ^^

[Aedin]

I've been seeing a counselor for over a year. And then I Started seeing a second counsloer about four months ago. I see two counselors.

I hope you're right about people caring about me Sheenar. Unfortunately, I haven't found them yet. It came to my attention tonight that I don't think I'm welcome here, and even if I am, I sure don't feel welcome here, so sorry to waste everyone's time with this post, but I Think I"m just gonna leave permanently this time.

[Makachop^^128]

People do care...Sometimes when people are going through things though they can't see it. I used to have the same problem. Almost ended my life because of it. Once again I will be praying for you, and I wish you felt welcomed >.<

[goldenspines]

I've been seeing a counselor for over a year. And then I Started seeing a second counsloer about four months ago. I see two counselors.

I hope you're right about people caring about me Sheenar. Unfortunately, I haven't found them yet. It came to my attention tonight that I don't think I'm welcome here, and even if I am, I sure don't feel welcome here, so sorry to waste everyone's time with this post, but I Think I"m just gonna leave permanently this time.

I'm a bit confused on why you would feel like you weren't welcome here. But I wish you the very best in wherever life takes you.
I will be praying for you, Aedin. While you can choose to believe we or nobody else cares, that doesn't mean that it's true. I know for sure I care, otherwise, I wouldn't be typing in your thread right now. And I'm sure the people who responded with such encouraging words care about you as well. So that's 6 people, which is definitely not no one.

[Aedin]

I first joined here about a year and a half ago. I don't know what's wrong with me, because a lot of the time I didn't do anydthing wrong (though I did do things wrong sometimes) yet most of the time, people wouldn't talk back to me, or I was ignored, or when I tried to get help (cause I was, and still am, going through major depression at the time) most people were just mean, to me and to others, and basicalldy tried to get me to shut up. One person, who I won't name, specifically said I could talk to them any time I needed someone to talk to. The first time I tried talking to her, she was really, really mean to me because I had problems. I decided to come back to see if things were different, see if I could make friends here easier. And then I talked to someone who used to be a friend, who I misinterpreted something she said (while I was already dealing with severe depression and suicidal thoughts, and I mean serious suicidal thoughts), and because I misinterpreted what she said, she started going on about how annoying I was, insulting me, calling me an idiot, and when I tried to clear things up (cause I was really confused, and hoenstly wasn't trying to do anything wrong) she said I was twisting things and trying to draw her into a guilt trip and how I twist people's words and try to suck pity from people and am lieing. When I hadn't even been talking about my problems at all, I misunderstood something, she got mad at me, and then I tried to explain why I did what I did.

[goldenspines]

I first joined here about a year and a half ago. I don't know what's wrong with me, because a lot of the time I didn't do anydthing wrong (though I did do things wrong sometimes) yet most of the time, people wouldn't talk back to me, or I was ignored, or when I tried to get help (cause I was, and still am, going through major depression at the time) most people were just mean, to me and to others, and basicalldy tried to get me to shut up. One person, who I won't name, specifically said I could talk to them any time I needed someone to talk to. The first time I tried talking to her, she was really, really mean to me because I had problems. I decided to come back to see if things were different, see if I could make friends here easier. And then I talked to someone who used to be a friend, who I misinterpreted something she said (while I was already dealing with severe depression and suicidal thoughts, and I mean serious suicidal thoughts), and because I misinterpreted what she said, she started going on about how annoying I was, insulting me, calling me an idiot, and when I tried to clear things up (cause I was really confused, and hoenstly wasn't trying to do anything wrong) she said I was twisting things and trying to draw her into a guilt trip and how I twist people's words and try to suck pity from people and am lieing. When I hadn't even been talking about my problems at all, I misunderstood something, she got mad at me, and then I tried to explain why I did what I did.

I sincerely apologize for the person that did that to you and I hope it can all get sorted out. This may not help, please feel free to PM me any time you like. While I may not have the time to respond back super quickly (college takes up most of my life), I'd be happy to just chat with you about life or whatever. I (and I'm sure the rest of the staff and a majority of our members) want CAA to be a very accepting and safe place; but that also means you must be accepting of us. We do make mistakes and hopefully, we repent and learn from them.

As for being ignored, CAA is a big place and it's hard to find your place in it; A lot of people are friends already and it seems weird to intrude. I do know how that feels; I went through it when I first joined and for a year after that I still felt awkward on the board; like I didn't fit. I just encourage you to keep at it. Keep contributing good and thoughtful posts to conversations on the board (whether it be about anime, manga, movies, or other stuff) and people will get to know you. And hopefully, I will be praying that our community will be more accepting and you in turn will be more accepting of us.

Take care.

[Aedin]

I left here a almost a year ago. I spentt ime here trying to post, sending messages, getting to know people. Maybe it's changed since I left, I hope it has. But when I first came here, it was usually the staff that was mean and the "popular" more well-known members who were mean to people, and (as far as I saw, and I was on everday, so I don't know) were mean to, and ignored, people they didn't already know. I would try to talk to people, about stuff besides my problems, and usually they'd barely talk back to me. And then I'd break down, need people to talk to cause of my issues, and most people I'd talk to on here would basically try to get me to shut up, they'd complain about me "whining all the time" and go on about me "throwing pity parties" and trying to get pity from people, when really, I was just looking for people to talk to and care. Dealt with suicidal depression for eight years, anxiety for years, emotional abuse literally my whole life, with no real support from my family. And people would never let me explain everything that was upsetting me, before they'd give me advice, and then when I told them their advice wouldn't work, or I tried it and it didn't work, they'd just get mad at me and treat me worse. I'm literally afraid of Christains now. It wasn't just this site, a lot of other sites developed this in me, but it sucks, I really wanted Christian friends to support, and to support me, and to share interests with. And I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Been in tears almost all day, every day, for the past week at least. Just remember a lot of people from this site being mean to me, and others I knew, for having problems and needing support. And then of course that fight I had last night, wahich I don't even know how it happened, except I misunderstood something she said, then she got offended and insulting, and got mad at me cause I have low self-esteem. I just don't know about this place, ya know? It's too confusing.

[Ante Bellum]

I probably wasn't around at that time, but I hope it works out this time. I will be praying that it does.

[SeraphicCharm]

I am on my knees, Aedin. Pour out your soul to God, and I promise you will not go unheard, even if it seems that way. I'm always here for you, if you want to message me.

[Aedin]

I'm gonna finish up a few more things here, and then I've decided I'm gonna leave.

Sorry to waste everyone's time.

[goldenspines]

I left here a almost a year ago. I spentt ime here trying to post, sending messages, getting to know people. Maybe it's changed since I left, I hope it has. But when I first came here, it was usually the staff that was mean and the "popular" more well-known members who were mean to people, and (as far as I saw, and I was on everday, so I don't know) were mean to, and ignored, people they didn't already know. I would try to talk to people, about stuff besides my problems, and usually they'd barely talk back to me. And then I'd break down, need people to talk to cause of my issues, and most people I'd talk to on here would basically try to get me to shut up, they'd complain about me "whining all the time" and go on about me "throwing pity parties" and trying to get pity from people, when really, I was just looking for people to talk to and care. Dealt with suicidal depression for eight years, anxiety for years, emotional abuse literally my whole life, with no real support from my family. And people would never let me explain everything that was upsetting me, before they'd give me advice, and then when I told them their advice wouldn't work, or I tried it and it didn't work, they'd just get mad at me and treat me worse. I'm literally afraid of Christains now. It wasn't just this site, a lot of other sites developed this in me, but it sucks, I really wanted Christian friends to support, and to support me, and to share interests with. And I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Been in tears almost all day, every day, for the past week at least. Just remember a lot of people from this site being mean to me, and others I knew, for having problems and needing support. And then of course that fight I had last night, wahich I don't even know how it happened, except I misunderstood something she said, then she got offended and insulting, and got mad at me cause I have low self-esteem. I just don't know about this place, ya know? It's too confusing.

Again, I apologize for how you were treated in the past by members of this site. We do not encourage cliques or "ganging up" on people (i.e. the "popular" people against anybody they don't like). And, at least in my own personal view, I have seen this behavior lessen quite a bit.
In regards to advice, I believe many people do genuinely care about you and want to support and help you, but oftentimes when their advice to you doesn't work or you tell them it won't be effective they often get discouraged and wonder "why bother?". It's hard to keep trying something when you fail again and again. This doesn't justify any mean behavior they showed towards you, but it may give you a better perspective of how others think. Or rather, we're not monsters who hate everyone that's not like us. :\
I can relate to the self esteem. I think it's something a lot of people struggle with (though they won't always show it on the outside), so you are definitely not alone there. Fights and misunderstandings will sadly happen in life. And they hurt, always, but they can also be healed by repentance and forgiveness. Again, I'll express my hope and prayer that the issue with you and that member can be resolved.
Don't worry too much about being confused. It's hard to figure out everything at once. Just take it all in stride and put your best foot forward. But most of all, rely on God, not on us. We are far from perfect, but God never changes. He will always love you.

EDIT: And you posted again before I finished typing this. Again, I am confused, Aedin. What are you looking for? I see everyone here in this thread trying their hardest to show their concern and love in Christ for you, what more are you searching for? I know you've been terribly hurt and are still hurting now, but none of us can fix your hurting heart. Only God can fully heal a broken heart. Yet, we are here and willing to help you and encourage you. I can think of nothing more to do besides that. I cannot make you accept our help, but I can tell you it is here if you want it.

[Aedin]

I guess for me, it's just, most people don't try to fully understand the situation before they give me advice. And if they do, and their advice still doesn't work, and they get annoyed at me or whatnot because of it, it feels like I'm being penalized for something that isn't my fault. Especially when most of the time all I want is a friend to talk to and listen to me. A lot of my social anxiety, is having it be hard to know how to find friends, who to try talking to. And I've just met lots of people, and lots of Christians (some on this site, most on other sites) that were just really mean and less than understanding, and it's hard to get over and heal. It would take me a really, really, long time to explain my issues, and I'm not sure if anyone here wants me to do that.

I've been reading and buying a bunch of books to hopefully help me with God and all.

And the last part of your post. I've met lots of Christians, who I trusted, and loved, who betrayed me, and abandoned me. I've even known people for over a year, who betrayed me. It's just hard to trust people, and since I've been mistreated by lots of Christians, it's harder to trust Christians specifically, which sucks. And people in this thread are being nice, yeah. But when something happens again and again (people and Christians being mean and unaccepting) it takes even longer to get over it. Most people don't have the patience to help me or put up with me as I Heal, so they get mad at me, which just starts it all over.

The people on this site are nice so far, but I'm just used to getting to know people, aNd then having them turn out to be not so nice, that it's too hard to trust people. But I'm thinking about maybe giving this place more of a chance.

[goldenspines]

I'm not asking you to trust us, I'm asking you to trust God.

[Aedin]

Not sure what you mean.

[Radical Dreamer]

I can't speak for Goldie, but what I think she may be getting at is the fact that people--even Christians--are human, and we all make mistakes. You have to expect that people will hurt you, at least every now and again. Jesus, however, will never leave you or forsake you, because He is perfect and He is faithful. Trust Him and seek Him first, and the rest will fall into place. It may not be easy--life trusting God is never simpler--but peace comes from trusting Him and surrendering to Him fully. I think that's what she means. And if not, it's still good advice! XD

[goldenspines]

I can't speak for Goldie, but what I think she may be getting at is the fact that people--even Christians--are human, and we all make mistakes. You have to expect that people will hurt you, at least every now and again. Jesus, however, will never leave you or forsake you, because He is perfect and He is faithful. Trust Him and seek Him first, and the rest will fall into place. It may not be easy--life trusting God is never simpler--but peace comes from trusting Him and surrendering to Him fully. I think that's what she means. And if not, it's still good advice! XD

This is indeed exactly what I was trying to get at. Thank you, RD. ^_^
If you put all your trust and hope in humans (who are sinful), you will eventually be disappointed. But if you give your heart and all your trust, hopes, fears, and dreams to God, He will never disappoint you or leave you.
This doesn't mean you shut yourself off from the world and trust no one. Even in God's Word, fellowship with fellow believers is encouraged (e.i. as seen with Jesus and his disciples as well as in Acts among the believers after the Holy Spirit came) But, ground yourself, your heart, and your trust in God first and foremost, because He will always be with you, to be your strength and your peace.

[Tsukuyomi]

The people on this site are nice so far, but I'm just used to getting to know people, aNd then having them turn out to be not so nice, that it's too hard to trust people.

That would be discouraging when wanting to meet others wouldn't it? It may (or may not.. just saying here) cause you to develop a mindset that all will eventually hurt you. Having that happen so many times would make one think that, but it's always good to keep an open mind that not everyone will hurt you ^__^

But I'm thinking about maybe giving this place more of a chance.

Glad to hear it ^__^ There's many to meet here ^__^ If you need any suggestions where to post first, try Goof-Off ^^ There's lots of lighthearted games ^__^

[Makachop^^128]

I guess for me, it's just, most people don't try to fully understand the situation before they give me advice. And if they do, and their advice still doesn't work, and they get annoyed at me or whatnot because of it, it feels like I'm being penalized for something that isn't my fault. Especially when most of the time all I want is a friend to talk to and listen to me. A lot of my social anxiety, is having it be hard to know how to find friends, who to try talking to. And I've just met lots of people, and lots of Christians (some on this site, most on other sites) that were just really mean and less than understanding, and it's hard to get over and heal. It would take me a really, really, long time to explain my issues, and I'm not sure if anyone here wants me to do that.

I've been reading and buying a bunch of books to hopefully help me with God and all.

And the last part of your post. I've met lots of Christians, who I trusted, and loved, who betrayed me, and abandoned me. I've even known people for over a year, who betrayed me. It's just hard to trust people, and since I've been mistreated by lots of Christians, it's harder to trust Christians specifically, which sucks. And people in this thread are being nice, yeah. But when something happens again and again (people and Christians being mean and unaccepting) it takes even longer to get over it. Most people don't have the patience to help me or put up with me as I Heal, so they get mad at me, which just starts it all over.

The people on this site are nice so far, but I'm just used to getting to know people, aNd then having them turn out to be not so nice, that it's too hard to trust people. But I'm thinking about maybe giving this place more of a chance.

Well, I'll try not to give you advice to quickly before I know you better, and just talk to you. I'm happy you are giving CAA a second chance. ^^

[Roy Mustang]

Goldie and RD advice are the best. As you can tell, people are showing support to you, its just up to you on how to use that.

People are humans and we all make mistakes. It does hurt that, when someone that you trust can hurt you. Everyone has been hurt, this happens with friends or lovers. You have to just remember that they are not perfect. Its up to that person to forgive them or not. But they need to remember that even if they feel that they have only been hurt by people, some where down the road, that person has hurt others as well. If think think about that and see that, then they can forgive others, but they must forgive their self at the same time for hurting others as well and put everything in the past as well.

To do this, you need trust Our Father and seek him first. God never gives up on his children and he will never forsake you. Ones that feel that God has gave up on them or they can't trust him have it backwards. Its they that have gave up on God and don't trust him. They don't see the good that the Father has giving each and everyone of us. He does care, even if some don't think he does. He gave us his Son to come down to preach, heal and die for our sins. That alone shows how much that he loves us and cares for us.

So trust him and seek him and then peace will come from trusting him.

[font="Book Antiqua"]
[color="Red"]
Col. Roy Mustang[/color][/font]