Roomate Advice Please?

[ChristianKitsune]

Okay so this is my first year at my new university (I went to a community college first)

And I had decided to live with a friend of mine from church and we live with two others girls who we just met when we moved in. (its a campus apartment)

Its a really nice place, and fully furnished so I'm pretty happy to be here space-wise.

However... I'm finding living with these girls to be very difficult indeed.

My friend is very... hard for me to read sometimes. One minute she's this bubbly person, and the next she's very cold and distant. She's been the latter since Friday evening and I can't understand why.

She's also very... whats the word... Selfish? Like I've never known anyone to horde their food in their own room, because she's afraid others will steal it. ^^; I dunno, I guess I'd say she's very materialistic and doesn't like to share. At all. If I want a ride or something I pretty much have to bribe her and buy her a milkshake...

I'm the complete opposite, I like sharing, and I'd glady give someone something because that's how I am. So its very hard for me to comprehend why anyone can be like that.. ._.

My other roomate is a little younger, she's a freshman (I'm a Junior) and I don't know..she's kinda... a hermit? She doesn't do anything but stay in her room and only comes out to eat... She told my friend once that "We are roomates, not family." Which actually hurt me quite a bit.

I guess I imagined being roomates with people to be more fun, and more encouraging. I guess I imagined making fast friends and having them for a while...

My other roomate is considerably older than us, she's a graduate student so I can understand why she's not around so much, she has a soon-to-be fiance (at least I think so, we've been getting A LOT of bridal brochures in teh mail haha)

But yah... ._. I'm a very open person, these girls keep their doors closed and locked, and in a way its like they have locked their hearts up as well...


any advice on how I can get to know them better? OR should I just suck it up for the next 7 months and keep to myself as well? (something I don't really want to do... )

I'm sorry to bug you guys with this, I'm just...reeaaally lonely in this apartment...it like the only person I can talk to here is a spider on my ceiling named Francis.

[LadyRushia]

Roommates can be tough. I got lucky last year and became really close friends with my roommate, but the one I have this year? Not so much, but things have gotten considerably better and I'm finding that she's a pretty cool person. My roommate this year is super super SUPER quite, quieter than me, so it's been hard getting her to open up to me, but that's slowly coming together. I had issues with her regarding her sleeping all day and staying up all night, so I addressed them, even though it was kind of scary, and she really took my feelings to heart.

I think the best thing you can do is just talk to everyone and tell them how you feel. You never know what can happen. The others might not realize how much this affects you. Keep in mind, though, that your hermit roommate is right. Living with someone is different from being a family, especially when who you live with is determined by college housing.

[Technomancer]

Your situation is far from terrible. Even if they're stand-offish, at least they're quiet, don't swipe your stuff, and probably won't set the place on fire. It really could be worse. I understand feeling isolated, but if you're not getting on like gangbusters with your housemates, your university should all sorts of different clubs and outings you can become involved with. You should probably only worry if the spider starts talking back or correcting your homework.

[Peanut]

Yeah...roommates can be hit or miss. My freshman year, I didn't really get along to well with the roommate I had (though, looking back, that was mostly my fault) however last year I had great roommates and that's carried over for the most part to this year.

Besides what Rushia has said, this is just some advice I'd give you in this situation:

1) You have to let the little things slide. For instance, your freshman roommate whose shunning relationships with you guys. Whatever she says about "not being family" and no matter how cold she is you can't get to worked up about it. The truth is, she's a freshman, she has no clue what living with non-family members is like. She's just taking her own idea of what it should be like and trying to live it out. You can and will build relationships with those you are living around. It's hard not to. So, just give her some time and she'll come around.

2). Address bigger issues carefully. As tempting as it might be to tell your roommate whose acting selfishly that she should share and become more like you, all that's going to do is cause an unnecessary fight. The truth is she's probably just trying to retain some sense of privacy and individuality in this situation by keeping some things to herself. Has she gone to far? I would say yes since you have to bribe her to drive you anywhere (I mean...really?). I'd bring it up with her in the form of a question (something like "I've just been wondering, but do you ever think that you may be acting a little selfish?") and then let her talk about it. If she gets defensive just keep asking questions or flip the situation around and ask her how she would feel if you were doing some of the things she is doing. I don't think attacking this problem head on will lead to anything good so tread carefully on this subject.

3). Don't try and force your way into these girls lives. Specifically with your freshman roommate. I'm telling you, as an individual who often acts like a hermit myself, nothing is more annoying to me then having one of my roommates try to bust through my door when I want to be alone. I prefer it if you knock first, allow me to respond and then after I've given you permission, let you enter in. Not only should you literally uphold this practice, but you need to figuratively uphold it as well. Don't try and make these girls your friends, if they don't want your friendship then that's on them. Instead, just be friendly towards them and only try to build a relationship when the opportunity presents itself. As I said before, it's hard to live around people and not develop some sort of relationship with them. It also sounds like all of these girls (especially the grad student) have their own lives and are just trying to live them. If you try and force your way into their lives, all you'll do is make them angry. So, as hard as this may be, give them some space but still look for when they leave the door open in their own lives so you can build a relationship with them.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Hopefully some of it will help you.

[ChristianKitsune]

Yeah...roommates can be hit or miss. My freshman year, I didn't really get along to well with the roommate I had (though, looking back, that was mostly my fault) however last year I had great roommates and that's carried over for the most part to this year.

Besides what Rushia has said, this is just some advice I'd give you in this situation:

1) You have to let the little things slide. For instance, your freshman roommate whose shunning relationships with you guys. Whatever she says about "not being family" and no matter how cold she is you can't get to worked up about it. The truth is, she's a freshman, she has no clue what living with non-family members is like. She's just taking her own idea of what it should be like and trying to live it out. You can and will build relationships with those you are living around. It's hard not to. So, just give her some time and she'll come around.

2). Address bigger issues carefully. As tempting as it might be to tell your roommate whose acting selfishly that she should share and become more like you, all that's going to do is cause an unnecessary fight. The truth is she's probably just trying to retain some sense of privacy and individuality in this situation by keeping some things to herself. Has she gone to far? I would say yes since you have to bribe her to drive you anywhere (I mean...really?). I'd bring it up with her in the form of a question (something like "I've just been wondering, but do you ever think that you may be acting a little selfish?") and then let her talk about it. If she gets defensive just keep asking questions or flip the situation around and ask her how she would feel if you were doing some of the things she is doing. I don't think attacking this problem head on will lead to anything good so tread carefully on this subject.

3). Don't try and force your way into these girls lives. Specifically with your freshman roommate. I'm telling you, as an individual who often acts like a hermit myself, nothing is more annoying to me then having one of my roommates try to bust through my door when I want to be alone. I prefer it if you knock first, allow me to respond and then after I've given you permission, let you enter in. Not only should you literally uphold this practice, but you need to figuratively uphold it as well. Don't try and make these girls your friends, if they don't want your friendship then that's on them. Instead, just be friendly towards them and only try to build a relationship when the opportunity presents itself. As I said before, it's hard to live around people and not develop some sort of relationship with them. It also sounds like all of these girls (especially the grad student) have their own lives and are just trying to live them. If you try and force your way into their lives, all you'll do is make them angry. So, as hard as this may be, give them some space but still look for when they leave the door open in their own lives so you can build a relationship with them.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. Hopefully some of it will help you.

Oooh great advice with awesome insight! I never even try to knock on her door though, I know she probably wouldn't appreciate it, haha.

Thank you so much, I'll keep a lot of what you said in mind... its nice to have this perspective, I'm too afraid to approach them myself.

I guess... I'm just a people person, who is lumped in with three girls who aren't. That's okay though, its their right to be by themselves...

[Phantom_Sorano]

Everyone is a little bit different. There are those who are complete people-oriented, and others are very private and prefer isolation. Like Miss Rushia and Mr. Peanut stated above, you just have to discover a happy medium. Overtime, you will find more common ground with your new roommates and the atmosphere should become more friendly. Talk to this young women and let the know how you feel. You are such a wonderful person, Miss Kitsune, and they definately realize this aswell.

[Radical Dreamer]

You've been given some great advice here! I'll suggest a few things too though, since I feel like I'd probably understand the feelings of the girls you're rooming with pretty well.

I'm a pretty introverted person, and I value the time I get to spend alone. Being around a lot of people can be a pretty exhausting experience for someone like this, even if they're having fun. If this is the case for the girls you're rooming with, I'd say respect the time they get to spend by themselves--it's vital for them to re-charge--but I also suggest having a little bit of time every day or every other day where all of you are together. Is there a favorite TV show you all have? Would movie nights be a good idea? Do you all get to eat dinner together? Think up ways that give you a little bit of time to spend with everyone until you're all comfortable being in the same living space. And when no one else that you're rooming with wants to hang out, go outside the apartment and hang out with some friends that you don't live with, so that you can get the time you need with other people and they can get the time they need alone.

As for the girl you're asking to drive you places, it sounds like she needs to get used to the college way of life, but it also sounds like she might be trying to be wise about how much money she's spending on the gas she's using. If she's the only one who can drive you places, and if you're going somewhere that's out of her way, offer to donate a few dollars to help pay for the gas. It's a polite gesture that shows her you understand that she's a less than affluent college student. Hopefully that'll make her more willing to take you places if that's the reason why she's hesitant!

Anyways, I hope some of this advice helps you to see it from a different angle and fix the problems that way! Good luck though; roommates always provide a new challenge, but it's rewarding in the end!

[Cognitive Gear]

Having had roommates in the past, some of these issues are all too familiar... Though I come from the other side.

Food: I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to come home from a stressful day, thinking, "Man, I just want to get home, eat some X and watch a movie", only to find that whatever food item I was thinking about, and had purchased/saved, was completely devoured by one of my roommates. It's not that I don't like to share, it's that when I buy food for the week, and we are each responsible for our own food, it gets frustrating, and expensive, to share in that type of open capacity. I've had one roommate who was a mooch, and once you've had one, you don't want to experience it again.

Driving: I don't know about you, but simply owning and insuring a car is very expensive. Adding the cost of gas on top of that is a little much for the average college student. Offering some gas money, especially if it's a repeating, weekly thing, is a much appreciated courtesy. This goes double when it's a ride to someplace they don't want, or need, to go.

Everyone is a little bit different in how they expect to be treated by their roommates. Some want a break in living expenses and complete privacy, others want a family.

[Sheenar]

Kit-chan,
I would also like to encourage you to see what clubs/organizations are available on your campus. Finding a group that shares common interests with you can be a great way to make good friends.

As for your roommates, all I can suggest is to continue to show them kindness even if it's never reciprocated. I had a couple of roommates in college who would just hole up in their rooms and would hardly talk to me at all, so I understand how lonely that can feel. But if you show them kindness, who knows, it may plant seeds in their life that God can use down the road.

You are in the situation you're in for a reason. I also think that maybe a roommate meeting is in order to discuss these things just so everyone is on the same page and understands one another.

[ChristianKitsune]

Again thanks for the advice everyone this is really helping me out...

[quote="Radical Dreamer (post: 1351471)"]You've been given some great advice here! I'll suggest a few things too though, since I feel like I'd probably understand the feelings of the girls you're rooming with pretty well.

I'm a pretty introverted person, and I value the time I get to spend alone. Being around a lot of people can be a pretty exhausting experience for someone like this, even if they're having fun. If this is the case for the girls you're rooming with, I'd say respect the time they get to spend by themselves--it's vital for them to re-charge--but I also suggest having a little bit of time every day or every other day where all of you are together. Is there a favorite TV show you all have? Would movie nights be a good idea? Do you all get to eat dinner together? Think up ways that give you a little bit of time to spend with everyone until you're all comfortable being in the same living space. And when no one else that you're rooming with wants to hang out, go outside the apartment and hang out with some friends that you don't live with, so that you can get the time you need with other people and they can get the time they need alone.

As for the girl you're asking to drive you places, it sounds like she needs to get used to the college way of life, but it also sounds like she might be trying to be wise about how much money she's spending on the gas she's using. If she's the only one who can drive you places, and if you're going somewhere that's out of her way, offer to donate a few dollars to help pay for the gas. It's a polite gesture that shows her you understand that she's a less than affluent college student. Hopefully that'll make her more willing to take you places if that's the reason why she's hesitant!

Anyways, I hope some of this advice helps you to see it from a different angle and fix the problems that way! Good luck though]

Its not that she worries about gas...she could be going to the same place I want to go, and I have to bribe her to let me go with her...

Like for instance, before we agree to move intogether, I said that if I could bum a ride off of her to get back to our town we live in, I'd help pay for gas. We agreed on this and so I didn't worry so much about it.

But the first time I we went home she made me fill up her car all the way... We only live two hours away from our town, and so I was a bit shocked that she made me pay 20 dollars... when I was willing to pay more like ten. She gets 5 miles to the gallon and it is only like 2.30 to fill up gas here... (at the time) so the real cost would have been somewhere like 12 dollars, not 20.

And that's a stipulation for me every time if I want to go home with her... something my parents or I can not afford or accept. I'd be paying for her BOTH ways...and that's just not fair. Its her car, sure but I just thought that was a little unfair.... ^^;

I have only ever asked her for rides if she's going to walmart...and ask to tag along.

As for sharing food, I'd never ever go up and take something out of someone's cabinet, that is indeed rude and unfair. But its an entirely different story when they are bragging about how amazing their food is, and how I should try it, only to say that they won't be sharing because they paid for all the ingredients. O_o

I guess I've never had roomates who actually measure their peanut butter and accuse others of stealing it because a teaspoon is missing... seriously?

Its just kind of cold here I guess.

And I have friends that are really great, but I can't hang out with them all the time, they've got lives too, and sometimes have to be gone for entire weekends.. and I'm left with no one to talk to for 72 hours...

its very lonely and it sucks. :/

[Radical Dreamer]

Its not that she worries about gas...she could be going to the same place I want to go, and I have to bribe her to let me go with her...

Yeah, wow, I wondered if that might be the case after I made my post. My roommate asks to tag along all the time (for free!) if I'm making a trip to Target or something, but if she asks me to take her somewhere that I wasn't planning to go to begin with, then I usually ask for some compensation. That's just crazy, though, that she's making you pay for the gas even though you're both going to the same place! In that case, I'd just have to suggest gathering everybody up and letting them know that this is a problem. Discuss it with them and see if you can work something out that works for everyone! Good luck!

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I am blessed to be close enough with my roommates that we simply share stuff with one another with no need for any compensation, usually because there are and will be times in that the favors are always returned.

So basically, nobody pays back for anything because we all just kinda make all mutual favors free. XD I think for this to occur, it needs to start with one selfless person. Hopefully then the same attitude will branch out to everybody else.

[ChristianKitsune]

I am blessed to be close enough with my roommates that we simply share stuff with one another with no need for any compensation, usually because there are and will be times in that the favors are always returned.

So basically, nobody pays back for anything because we all just kinda make all mutual favors free. XD I think for this to occur, it needs to start with one selfless person. Hopefully then the same attitude will branch out to everybody else.

Yaaah! I like this idea!
I'm a sharing person.. I LOVE to share my stuff... XD I don't mind at all...so its strange to be in a place were everyone is the exact opposite! Dx