Stupidity

[Kerri]

I just need to vent I guess... I don't really have any right to complain. I'm much better off than most people.

Which makes me feel bad when I do...

I guess I should start off with a not-so-small confession... I sort of ran away from my home for the last 15 odd years Saturday night. Well... not ran away exactly... typically that means without a parent or guardian knowing... dad was sitting in the living room when I ran by with a bag over my shoulder... we had some words... it amounted to:

"Where are you going?"

"Away."

"Don't slam the door."

The fight had started with him telling me my job was squat because as hard as I worked, I did not make as much as he did on his unemployment. (This was not exactly what he says but exact quotes would require censoring. He's exNavy; "like a sailor" is quite literal.)

This is not the first time we've had the conversation that has to do with, "do something with your life. Stop dreaming. Stop being childish. You gotta grab life by the horns. It's not gonna walk up and sit in your lap."

...I will cast asside the hypocrisy of it all for a moment... because it makes me angry just thinking about it and being angry makes me tired.

So I left that night, drove around for a few hours and looked for a vacancy. When I couldn't find one, I called the only friend I have; who is married and not really that close but she's a friend; talked to her for a while for the first time in six months, then went to Walmart, grabbed something to munch on and a blanket and parked my car behind the church I've been attending for years. (it's a good place to park. No one going by can see you because the trees make a semi circle around it.)

I didn't get much sleep, to be perfectly honest, because silence bothers me, but silence with random interruptions from passing cars is even worse. So I turned on the radio.

Despite the vague discomfort of laying my 5'8" ish body down in my tiny little cavalier, I was very much at peace with my decision to leave. No one called me or asked where I was. No one bothered me. Perhaps I am childish, because it felt pretty good to do it.

Come morning, I grabbed some breakfast (had to work that day and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it on an empty stomach). Well I got a call at around 8 in the morning. My estranged mother who I see maybe once a month because of her job. She wants to know where I am.

"I'm in town..." (half groggy cuz I was kinda tired)

"Where did you go last night?"

"I slept in my car." (open and honest because that's how I am when I'm half dead...)

"YOU WHAT?!"

"I was behind the church. No one could see me. I was fine."

"Do you have any idea how unsafe that is!?"

Can I stress that there is no way anyone could have ever known I was back there and/or seen me unless they drove all the way around the church in the parking lot? vv() I was desparate, not stupid. Besides that I was only there a collective four hours.

The rest of the time? Couldn't sleep. I paid for my gas and I paid for my car, so I drove around, listening to christian radio.

Yeah, I know. "You're a childish idiot." Got it. Hear it all the time. Doesn't really make things much better to know, but I got it.

It did feel good to get my one night of peace though. One night where my sister's not glaring at me and calling me selfish or stupid... where my brother's not insulting me or calling me fat or something similar... where my father's not telling me what a stupid, childish, insane, unhealthy person I am...

...I was thinking about it last night... You know... I haven't been touched by another human being beyond exchange of money at the cash register for more than six months... I can't even remember the last time anyone hugged me in person...

I was thinking about it because I finally realized that night how very alone I am. I said on here before I was looking for people with the same interests in my area. That's because there is no one my age in my area who I can relate to really. Everyone is either married, has kids, and/or moved away. My church? I'm one of maybe two people who attends from my generation. the other is too worldly for me. I don't like bars and parties... I didn't even when I was in school. Everyone else kind of looks at me funny because I'm the only attending member from my family. (this is a church who can trace their family trees through the church's history... I've been attending for a while.)

That or their kids who don't really see me as anything but another adult.

At work I'm surrounded my married/family women... none of them interested in Hayao or drawing or writing... I can sometimes talk about movies. Movies and annoying commercials on the radio we have to keep on for customer enjoyment... but other than that there's not much we can connect on.

...it's not like I'm generally outspoken anyway. I picked the nickname Masqueradia because that's what I do. When I know there's something about me people won't like, I'll make a new mask for that place/situation. I have lots of faces. My work face. My home sheild/face. My online face even.

Sometimes I wonder if I even remember who I really am. Then I think of the shy person who attended school and was only rarely outspoken and often chastized for what she would say and I think it would be better not to remember...

What is a person anyway? What makes them who they are? What is it that makes one worthwhile? How do you know what in you is real and what is facade that you only wish were real?

I know those sound like odd questions... but it's been a long time that I've had to think about them. Those and so many others.

Well in case you're wondering, mom got me to come home for a shower before I went to work. Then told me all the reasons I wouldn't, couldn't and shouldn't make it on my own... then told me "dad would lay off me."

... ha. It's the bad pun to the on going joke.

"I was just like you at your age. I wanted out too. But you can't. I did but you can't. Dad will lay off. What you really need is a friend."

I know. I know. I KNOW. But going home isn't helping! ><; I have no destination and no clue how to get there and no clue what I'm doing here but I cannot stay here! No one in their right mind would stay here!

vv() Well that's all the rant I've got. I feel hollow now so maybe the questions will leave me alone and I can get some sleep.

...I think it's obvious I need prayer. Thanks in advance.

[BubblegumNinja]

*sighs* If I were there I'd give you a great big hug right now v__v I'm really sorry to hear you're going through that... I often complain at my lack of a social life, but at least I get on with my family.

I'll start praying for you; that God will provide you with a friend and a way out. Honestly, I'm not suprised you want to leave with all that going on around you. Keep praying. It may feel selfish to ask for change, but God cares and He'll listen.

[rocklobster]

You're not the first to have problems with parents, and you won't be the last. We've all had problems with our parents. But they are your parents and you should be grateful you even have them. I'm not saying you are wrong or right. I do not know your situation. But am I saying there is hope. Pray about it to God.

[DignifiedSoul]

*sniff* T_T Oh my goodness!You must be going through such a harsh time.It's funny to know that I complain about my own problems.But when I look at the whole world I begin to see that I'm not the only one with issues.Sometimes I get off on the wrong foot with my parents.Sometimes I try to do what's "right" and "good" just to please my parents but I end up doing "wrong". Sometimes I condemn myself thinking that I'm a horrible person when I'm really not.Sometimes my emotions just blind me.But please be strong.I'll pray really hard for you.Please keep in mind that you're not alone.God the almighty Father is with you.He LOVES you and CARES for you.He knows your every thought and sees and feels your pain.He is your BEST FRIEND.And there is no other being in this world that could possibly offer what God can.He is there everywhere you go.He is there waiting with open arms for embrace.He was there,He is there,and He will be there.He was there from the start of humanity.He was there dying at the cross.And He will be HERE with you now.I'm sorry for typing so much. O.o But I just care for you.Even though I've never met you in person for some reason I feel like saying this.I love you as a sibling in Christ.And I hope to meet you in heaven one day.Please don't be discourage by this world's troubles.God loves you please remember that.I am definitely praying for you tonight!God bless! ^_^

[Nate]

Ah, how much of this sounds familiar?

I have the opposite problem as you, however, in that I don't know HOW to make it on my own, and my mom and most of my church friends think I really need to leave the house, but I don't want to. At a recent family gathering one of my aunts even told me outright, if my dad was still alive he would've kicked me out of the house by now.

But I'm familiar with a lot of other stuff, the loneliness, the desire for physical contact (outside of the family gathering a week ago or so I don't think I've had physical contact with anyone for years @.@), and the lack of anyone in your age group to socialize with. I mean I could probably go and try to socialize with the people at the high school in my town but that would be creepy and I would probably go to jail. I have a LOT of good friends at church, but they're all older people and don't have the same interests that I do, making socializing with them outside of saying hi to them at church fairly difficult.

At this point you've probably noticed I talk too much and am more or less incapable of saying anything useful. x.x Well I can say one useful thing. I'll pray for you because I know how rough this kind of thing can be. I hope things work out for you. ._.

Now to be dumb and insert something humorous into this because I am incapable of large amounts of seriousness.

What is a person anyway?

What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk, have at you!

[Kerri]

Bubblegum Ninja:
[SIZE="1"]*sighs* If I were there I'd give you a great big hug right now v__v I'm really sorry to hear you're going through that... I often complain at my lack of a social life, but at least I get on with my family.[/SIZE]

It's like I said... I don't really have much right to complain. Most people deal with worse, right? Like deathly illness or having nothing to eat... Technically I don't really have any room to complain...

Which is why my dad gets angry with me when I try to tell him not to speak to me that way. But I am sort of selfish I guess.

Rocklobster:
[SIZE="1"]You're not the first to have problems with parents, and you won't be the last. We've all had problems with our parents. But they are your parents and you should be grateful you even have them. I'm not saying you are wrong or right. I do not know your situation. But am I saying there is hope. Pray about it to God. [/SIZE]

...Yeah... I'm sorry. I should be grateful.

Dignified Soul:
[SIZE="1"]But I just care for you.Even though I've never met you in person for some reason I feel like saying this.I love you as a sibling in Christ.[/SIZE]

^_^- I hereby dub thee little sister. You've been claimed as family now. Anything you need that I can give is yours. Like my real little sister and brother, you shouldn't ever feel the need to go to bed hungry.

Sorry if that sounds weird... I've always been the more or less mothering one in the house because of mom's work... And I like taking care of people. I have a few "little brothers" and "little sisters" online that I baby. ^^-

Not the same as being able to take care of them in person but it's the best I can do.

NATE:
[SIZE="1"]At this point you've probably noticed I talk too much and am more or less incapable of saying anything useful.[/SIZE]

^^() We actually do have a lot in common then.

[SIZE="1"]What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk, have at you! [/SIZE]

...What does that make woman? XD

[DignifiedSoul]

LOL!It's okay.I always eat dinner before going to bed.No need to worry about me. ^o^ But thanks anyway hehe :3

[Anystazya]

Oh man. I'll pray for you. You shouldn't feel guilty about any of this. I post prayer requests sometimes, and I'm way better off than most people. I get along with my family. My dad's the pastor at our church. I have friends I can cry with (Bible camp was an excellent bonding experience).

So, anyways, God wants us to bring all our needs to Him. There's nothing to be guilty about when posting this. And I know about the masks thing. I used to always feel the need to be a certain thing to different people. Be a well-behaved, straight-A student, be a kind, helpful friend, be a daughter and sister to be proud of... Then I learned that it doesn't matter how the world sees us.

You're so beautiful to Him, and through Him, you can do all things. In the long run, it's not your parents or those around you who will decide who you are, it's God. To Him, you are priceless. When I went to Bible Camp, the speaker talked about how the world will give us labels. People will call you fat, ugly, stupid, and a million other things, but the only label that we should let stick is the one God gives us. And that is that we are priceless. Nothing can replace us; we are His precious children.

Anyways, be strong and remember that He loves you so much more than anything. I'll pray for you and what you're going through, and that God will give you a friend.

[DignifiedSoul]

Amen! ♥ ^_^

[Dante]

You write well. Well enough to contradict your own title.

All the same, I wouldn't say it was wise doing what you did with the car. Your mother was right. Something like that might be acceptable for a guy to do, but for a girl it is too dangerous and I'm sure you can figure out the arguments why.

The good news is, all the things you've stated can be fixed and I feel most of it can be fixed by actions YOU can take. If you seek knowledge and you seek a better position in the job market, allow me to start by recommending college. If you haven't already, look into community colleges as they generally tend to add the most bang to your future wages for the buck.

http://www.bls.gov/emp/emptab7.htm

Overall though, what you're father says is still wrong. Even without this, you're still gaining experience while he gathers none. When it comes down to it, even if you're volunteering, you're gaining something more valuable then he is.

He can never write "unemployment skills" on his resume (He'd be laughed around the block, he might even have to lie about the time he was out of work to get back IN the job market if he is out long enough) but you'll have a host of new talents and experiences to add to that paper when you're done. You won't beat him over-night, but frankly in the long run, you'll win the race, especially if you boost that resume with some academic training.

Don't get me wrong, college isn't something easy, it is inherently a place that requires great discipline and perhaps more patience then you'd ever imagine giving it. However, even in the most boring of subjects of only academic use, you'll aggrandize skills and traits that transform you as a person. Skills like patience and listening will transform your relationship with your family and friends.

In other words. If you feel stupid, rectify it with the art of studying. I certainly won't tell you to stop picking on yourself when such a great opportunity could be reaped from your own words.

PS Don't ever use his unemployment to insult him. Men tend to be rather picky about this and can tend to have a short temper on the matter. Don't burn the bridges down with your family, it's worth the extra effort spent repairing them instead.

[Derek_Is_Me]

I have sympathy for you my sister. I cannot say that I have had nearly as hard a life as you have had so far. Nor can I say that you have had as hard a life as me. Everyone is different and yet the same. We all may have had different experiences in life that define who we are or who we will become later in life. But when it all comes down to it we are all the same in every sense of the word. We are mearly follows of christ the almighty. We cannot say that we are holy for we would be lying to ourselves and anyone around us. But what we can say is that we have the ability to change. The ability to make things around us better or worse. It just depends on what you do to change that. I will pray for you and your continued struggle. And may the light that shines brightly on us all shine brightly on you as well my sister. ^^ May you have a wonderful day with the ones that are dearest to you. And may god give you the happiness that you so rightly deserve. We love you as your brothers and sisters of christ. Always remember that for we are here for you whenever you need us. We may not be there physically but we are always there with you spiritually. Love you sis. Sincerely, Derek. ^^

PS. Life will seemingly give you challenges that you must overcome. But with your faith in god you can overcome anything.

[Derek_Is_Me]

I hope you like what I said Terri-chan. ^^

[Kerri]

Thanks everyone for all the prayers. I'm trying to keep my chin up. It seems I keep getting attacked emotionally to all my weak points. LOL

I don't have a right to complain. Really I don't. I just hurt and don't know why.

So I'm ok. Thank you.

[bkilbour]

I'm a Sailor myself; if your father has already forgotten the first of our core values - Honor - then I have no respect for him. If he has already forgotten what it's like to support shipmates voluntarily, knowing that nobody gets around without help, then I understand how selfish and hypocritical he is. He ought to be more supportive.

Sorry he's being like this.
I also apologize for the way your family is constantly attacking you. I went through the same thing when I dropped out of college. Trust me, if you do what seems right to you and in the eyes of God, then you will end up having the last laugh (and they will feel very ashamed. Again, that was my situation)

God Bless!

[danceljoy]

When you feel aimless, remember God and ask him anything.

Pray that you'll have friends that you will be very compatible with. I understand the feeling of lack of friends inside the church.

Praying for you.