CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I once spent over a half-hour staring at a lizard.

When I was little, I had one video to watch. It was a Barney Sing-along.
I can sing the entire program forwards and backwards, and sometimes I still whisper/hum it at night when I'm in my bed...

I'm left-handed.

I can't use most sketch pads because the spiral binding hinders me. I have to have one that's bound at the top. I smudge all of my writing because my hand drags along as I write and draw.

I can't sleep until I watch Trigun.

I toss and turn at night, and I hear a million things happening in my head...a subway, someone getting beaten with a wooden board, an orchestra playing, a battle in progress, a weapon being forged...it's disturbing.

I dream about war almost every night, generations of people dying by the thousands over the span of hundreds of years...it's strange and terrifying how attatched I become to each of these imaginary people....Then I watch them all die...watch their families adapt...and then I just wake up.


I'll be adding more to this thread later on.
I'll answer any questions you may have...

Uh, the constant dreams about war...you don't find that a little disturbing? I think if I had recurring dreams with tragedy of that magnitude, I'd want to talk about that with someone close to me. That's something I might expect out of a war veteran, but not a 12 year old.

I also smudge everything I write or draw. Thankfully though, I was born well before the days of Barney, so I didn't get ensared in the clutches of that purple menace.

Of course it's disturbing. Very disturbing. I try not to think about it. The memories fade during the day, and I know this is going to clear up eventually...this kind of thing has happened to me before. All I have to do is ask...and I haven't.
I need to pray more about this.
Everything's easier on the internet...things are posted and fade away.
I could leave the internet if I wanted to, but I cannot leave life...
I'll be fine though. Jesus is taking the weight of this burden from me, and I can live without the madness...
If I discuss this with someone close, it's sure to get back to my mom. My mom is going to freak out and I won't be able to read or watch anything. This is obviously the result of current events combined with my overactive imagination. I don't know what's going to happen to me if I can't feed my creative mind...and perhaps some good comes out of this. I have a heart for these people...these people and their families that suffer and have suffered. Only God can fix this...maybe I should hav kept it to myself.

Sometimes I let the feelings overwhelm me...this intense sadness that threatens to destroy me. My mom already knows that this happens sometimes...she can sense when I am depressed. Not that it's hard...

It was always hard when teachers show pictures of the world wars and things like that...and when kids laughed or act like it's cool...it hurt.
It hurt terribly, to see these kids behaving this way...I never understood why they couldn't see beyond their own happy little world and into reality...it's so strange how something like that could go completely over their heads. I guess I'm just made this way...God gave me a heart for this kind of thing. He gave me a heart for my elders, a fascination with their life stories, a patience that penetrates the barriers of anger and hardness...perhaps this is going to turn around and become a ministry.

Wow, thanks for posting all that Madeline. I feel like making two responses: one about the reptiles, one about the more serious topics of war and your dreams.

I think our generation is a bit out of touch with war--it seems distant and far away to many who are not directly involved. And yes, it is very disturbing and scary--I think some people make light of it to keep it distant rather than face its reality (much like death). What do you think?

I know if you pray about your dreams God will use them or take them away. I will pray for you tonight as well.

As for the lizard, what kind of lizard was it? Was it communicating with you somehow?

Spiritsword

Thank you for making me feel normal again...sometimes I wonder if I should open up to people at all. Most people think that I have some kind of disorder or am suicidal or something and wonder if they should be around me...I tend to anger and disappoint myself by letting people into my life, and finding that they are afraid to be around me because I bring something to light that they would rather leave alone...
These dreams seem normal to me now...they are frightening, but any pain or sadness is dulled by the drudgery of everyday life...unloading the dishwasher, going to the grocery store...people wonder why these things simply fly by without complaint...but they do. It's become a sort of addiction...it's so easy to lose yourself in something so uninteresting.
I just have an overactive imagination, and I am easily upset by the war and death that surrounds me...and how easily everyone overlooks what is going on. How can they not see? Culture is so artificial in general...everything in the world is artificial. It is only through death and trial that people truly understand...but this is at the cost of many lives. On the news a few days ago, the deaths of five soldiers in Iraq were reported.
Immediately this news was followed with a gossip and rumors concerning Britney Spears' love life...
How can we be so disrespectful? Don't these people deserve more than one sentence? They are gone, and their families are grieving, and we would rather hear gossip about a popular artist than pay our respects to the dead who sacrifice themselves for our freedom? It's sick. Just sick...

On a lighter note, I do not know what type of lizard it was...but it had this strange reddish pouch that came out of its throat...

In some ways I think that you are quite on track. There are a lot of problems in this world, and a lot of hurting people. I am so thankful that God decided to send His Son and he the Redeemer of His people, so that we can have hope, and hope that is not vain. Glad you posted this. I needed to read it.

Madeline wrote:It was always hard when teachers show pictures of the world wars and things like that...and when kids laughed or act like it's cool...it hurt. It hurt terribly, to see these kids behaving this way...I never understood why they couldn't see beyond their own happy little world and into reality...it's so strange how something like that could go completely over their heads. I guess I'm just made this way...God gave me a heart for this kind of thing. He gave me a heart for my elders, a fascination with their life stories, a patience that penetrates the barriers of anger and hardness...perhaps this is going to turn around and become a ministry.

You're quite perceptive for someone your age (actually, even the style you write already hints of a certain maturity). I wish a bit of that would rub on my brother...he's always so fascinated with armies and war and weapons of destruction as if they were the most glorious things that ever happened on earth (you can imagine how much he thinks of the war in Iraq). And he's four years older than you. Anyway. Never mind that. Just curious, though: were any of your grandparents involved in wars?

Whoa. I'm....at a loss for words.

Madeline wrote:On the news a few days ago, the deaths of five soldiers in Iraq were reported.
Immediately this news was followed with a gossip and rumors concerning Britney Spears' love life...
How can we be so disrespectful? Don't these people deserve more than one sentence? They are gone, and their families are grieving, and we would rather hear gossip about a popular artist than pay our respects to the dead who sacrifice themselves for our freedom? It's sick. Just sick...

I think so too

SwordSkill wrote:You're quite perceptive for someone your age

Saint Kevin wrote: That's something I might expect out of a war veteran, but not a 12 year old.

AngelSakura wrote:Whoa. I'm....at a loss for words.

So am I.

Madeline wrote:Thank you for making me feel normal again...sometimes I wonder if I should open up to people at all.

I think it's safe for me to say that there will always be someone here for you to talk to when you need listening ears. And don't forget that God is willing to listen too.

As for the lizard, I think you was looking at something we around here call an American Chamelon (I don't know it's "real" name)

Yes, my great grandfather fought in WWII.
I think he was a tailgunner, but I'm not sure. My entire family on my father's side is German. Most German veterans never get the credit that they deserve because of their nationality...due to the evil done by many men from that country. He came out of the war physically unscathed, but lost his eye in a motorcycle accident a little while later. There is alot of hurt and division in my family over that incident...
My dad looks alot like him...