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I hope you all can find a little something in this testimony. It's an open letter to a few pm's I've gotten recently. Please, don't skewer me too badly. I don't claim to be a Bible teacher or theologian. I'm just a woman of God.

An Open Letter

You struggle with a lot of what the younger members on these boards struggle with – depression. Depression has many medical reasons behind it and please don’t think that after you study the Word of God and pray everything will instantly be better. Each individual is different – that’s how God made us. I’ll just share how God worked in my life and how I’ve found a certain truth about Who God is and how that relates to how we can have a more peaceful and fulfilled life – and how I have grown into being a woman at peace with the Lord – mind you, not perfect and without struggles every day – just… at peace.



How old are you? If you're 25 or younger this is a common issue that I get pm's on – how to cope when life seems to be spiraling downward. I hope my words will guide you toward the Lord’s goal of His help waiting for you. Because our God always wants two things from us: growth toward a deep love for Him, and growth as a believer which can affect others toward this love.



I think since I'm 42 and have lived with the Lord as my Savior for over 25 years people think maybe I know something. I have to admit, I know about 20 more years of information than most 20-year-olds. Hum, how's that for a riddled answer? Whether or not I’m mature, well that’s something I, like every other Christian, is growing into.




I am reminded of a chapter, I Corinthians 2, of how the Spirit is so unique and how it illumines our thoughts of Christ so that He becomes real to us. In fact, without the Spirit there is really no ability for knowledge of God. People may talk about Him until they’re blue in the face, but they will never really know Him. I desire to know the Lord. I think it's an evident importance in how Paul always addressed the beginning of his letters with a statement regarding how he hoped they (the believers in whichever city he was writing to) know Him.




“And my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God. Yet we do speak wisdom among those who are mature; a wisdom, however, not of this age, nor of the rulers of this age, who are passing away; but we speak God’s wisdom in a mystery, the hidden wisdom, which God predestined before the ages to our glory; the wisdom which none of the rulers of this age has understood; for if they had understood it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory; but just as it is written, ‘THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR HAS NOT HEARD,
AND which HAVE NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN,
ALL THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM.’[size=100][font=Wingdings]ß[/font][font=Times New Roman][For those who love Him? Yes. We are walking every day with a purpose, to know how to love Him.]â€

That's a very good metaphor... tenderizing your heart. It's painful, but in the end there's a good reason for it.

I look forward to reading the rest of your testimony! Thank you for sharing it.

As do I!

Me too! I probably need a transfer of head-knowledge to heart-knowledge too, and some tenderizing of heart.
Wiggins

P.S. How do you tell your heart from your mind? Obviously heart doesn't refer to the physical organ. Thanks!

So, I got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed in the morning, in the afternoon and in the evening, into the wee hours of the night. I would cry so hard I learned the meaning of sobbing. But, I also got involved with our women’s ministry and Bible study. Still, however, that wasn’t enough. I did handle my days so much better, but I couldn’t resolve the conflicts with my husband. I didn’t want him to touch me or be around me. Why had I grown so cold? All I wanted to do was read my Bible and write (getting too introspective). I wrote two novels in a span of two years.

[size=100][font=Times New Roman]Now, this is important. I changed a lot for the better. I was becoming very Biblically adept and close to the women at my church – but, there was always something lingering in the background. I still had residual “hateâ€

Since that operation I have never had a rage attack or a bout of anger, other than an occasional upset and frustration like most people. I was normal again. My husband bought me the guitar of my dreams on our tenth wedding anniversary in March of 1998 and I was writing and performing Christian music again. Writing music and lyrics which were the best I had ever written. They were truly inspired words. I was singing to the Lord, literally and I was happy I was finally fixed.



Why am I telling you this? It is because sometimes there are things out of our control. Also, when we’re hurting there are so many factors at work, because we’re complex human beings, made in His image. Answers are distorted by outside factors, like friends, media, family and even professionals, like doctors and psychologists. We might think why isn’t my life working out for me the way I thought it would? Aren’t I spiritual enough? I pray. I do all the right things. I go to church. I placed A into slot B and it still didn’t come out the way I thought it would. Well, life doesn’t work out over night. We are in a process. It is the process of growing up in the Lord. I still don’t have all the answers, but I know this, I know who God is and with that knowledge there is always hope.

We need to keep on praying and seeking Him and knowing what is right and what the truth about God is. We need to know Who God is and from there find the solution. If we don’t pray and keep open to His voice, and study the Word of God then we won’t be attune to what He wants us to hear. The things which will make us better. My husband and I never wanted a divorce; we wanted things to get better. We knew God didn’t want us to divorce, because we were a couple He had joined together for His Glory. How many right on, sold for Christ families are there in this world? Well, there needs to be more and why would we ever destroy what He wants. We knew the basic principle of life and just needed to find out how that could be accomplished. Also, there was a physical and very real problem as to why I was going through such deep depression. Altogether, I had both physical and spiritual problems that needed to be healed and God is a God of healing. He healed me both spiritually and physically and then brought it all together. In that time, I drew closer to God than I had ever in my history of walking with the Lord. I honestly fell head over heels in love with Him through all my heartened pleas for help, and in that, I fell head over heels deeper in love with my husband.



[size=100]“Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.[font=Wingdings]ß[/font][font=Times New Roman][There it is again, love Him] Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by Godâ€

I'm sorry for the strange fonts and weird text above. This site doesn't seem to want to work for me and my Word pasting. I hope it's legible. LOL God bless and feel free to ask me any questions.

Wow! You're so awesome Chloe! I totally agree with you. I used to be deeply depressed and I wouldn't let anyone get close to me and I would just stay inside and sleep and fill my life with negative thoughts. I finally was convinced to seek Christian counseling by my parents and I am now a much happier person. I still have symptoms seeing as I decided to seek help only a year ago, but I have realized that no matter what God is there and He has a plan. Your testimony is nice to read and lets me know more and more that I am not alone in what I go through. I still struggle with trying to remember that God gives us these trial for a reason and it will all work for His will, but over the years (military brat- very unstable life) I have learned that He alone we can trust. I am thankful that He is there for me and that I know He will help me do His will no mater what. Thanks for your testimony Chloe, it was very good. If any of you all want to read more about how I have learned to trust in God in all situations, checkout my post on Trust here in Testimonies. *hugs* and have a great weekend!
^_^

Thank you so much for posting your testimony, Chloe. You have been through so much, and your faith is so strong--it is good to hear how the Lord worked in your life and brought you closer to Him through your trials. Everything serves His Will, and His purpose.

Amen. I learnt alot through your testimony, but I',m still kinda unsure of how to tell the heart from the mind. I really have to listen to God, and try to look out for what He's trying to tell me. Ummm... when He does tell me something will I just know without a doubt that He has told me something? Thanks!
Wiggins

P.S. Just out of curiosity, your a writer, right? What kind of books do you write?

Belldandy and Spiritsword I've grown to admire your faith, as well. You're both such sweet and wonderful people. I'm glad I can get to know you both here. Eirewolf, as always, you're my sweetest friend. Thanks.


Wiggins, first of all, thanks for reading all this. I know it was a lot.

At that time I wrote two crime novels. In fact, they were very dark and today they're kept hidden away. I can still use them for information and they had some of my best writing, as well. I would never publish them. I'd rather be known for something else. That's another long story. *hehe* During my time, after I sought the counselor I obtained a mentor who was a professor at Texas Women's University. She worked with me on writing for a year and a half, teaching what she taught in her creative writing graduate courses. The best way to learn, one-on-one. She actually edited my last novel and it still sits around with edits from her.

When my husband bought me that guitar I stopped writing novels and loved writing Christian music and performing again. I had done this a lot when I was missionary, in fact, it was part of my ministry. I hopefully inspired other women with the songs I wrote. Even today, I praise God with my music. It wasn't until recently I found an old short story I wrote at the end of this process, around late 1997, that I've posted here, "Werewolf of Tupelo." It's a very sentimental story with strong points of faith and growth. I love that story. That is the type of story I would want to be known for. One that actually has a good message for believers and non-believers alike. I think my writing should be used for encouragement, not shock value. Understand, however, not everyone may feel this conviction. There are writer's who may feel led to write these types of things - that's between them and God. This was only a conviction put upon my heart.

Also, I know you are still confused about the head-knowledge to the heart-knowledge point. I think in the last post I wrote of our process of growth. I think I mentioned that we will know because of the confirmation by the Spirit in us. It will be very real and it will be obvious. First, it won't conflict with God's Word and second, it won't conflict with Who God is. This is where so many people run into problems. They say they are speaking because the Spirit told them something, and yet it doesn't sound like anything God has ever shown of Himself in the Word of God. The Bible is consistent in two main points: Christ is the Only Way to Heaven and God is very merciful, gracious, loving, kind, just, on and on. He is perfect and omniscient - the Creator of all. If you read at the end of Job, as wonderful and faithful as Job was, he still had sin, he still had some cleaning out to do in his closet (heart).

All in all, I wrote this to let you know you have hope. We, as believers always have hope. I don't like reading any writing with a hopeless story. I think in Christ there is always hope. Also, I wanted to let people know there are no easy answers. Everyone is different. I think I made my disclaimer at the beginning that this was "my" story. God is writing your story very different than mine.

Remember to stand firm in what you believe, Christ and Him crucified and pray to know God. I've prayed that prayer since I first became a Christian at 15. If you don't ask, how can you receive? And finally, wait. When David wrote umpteen times of waiting upon the Lord in Psalms, he wasn't joking. Have you ever studied his life? My goodness. He had such a lousy time at being a father, husband, king and yet he was known as a beloved son by God. Why is that? Because he believed God at His Word, he wanted to know God, he knew the importance of having the Spirit of God dwell within him and he always broke before the Lord, knowing he was nothing before Him. His heart was poured out before God until there was nothing of himself left.

In this age of self-esteem and trying to feel good, we need to know we are nothing. I'm such a good mom I remind my kids of how they're nothing all the time. I'm joking. Actually, I tell them they're nothing - without God. He makes them something... and something so special. You have a place set aside for you in His Kingdom. Not everyone has that, but they do.

Sorry, I just went on and on again. *hehe* I hope I'm helping you out. I am just so sure of Who God is. I may go post a song I wrote a few years back, "I Know Whom I Believe." You've inspired me, Wiggins.

Chloe, your story is wonderful. I'm so glad God has helped you. I'm also happy you're still here after that surgery. 0.o That must have hurt! But God got you through it. I hope that one day I'll have faith as strong as yours. ^^

your testimony is amazing- there are no more words to say.

>0.o That must have hurt! <

LOL Kesshin, you bet it hurt - the operation anyways. However the prolonged pain became second nature. I think that is with most prolonged pain.

true_noir_chloe wrote:We are in a process. It is the process of growing up in the Lord. I still don’t have all the answers, but I know this, I know who God is and with that knowledge there is always hope.

YES! Thank you]You are all so blessed when you have the Savior of the world as your God… your personal and loving God. [/QUOTE]

YES, again! I can't imagine existence without Him.

Thanks so much for sharing your powerful testimony!

Thanks so much for your comments, Eirewolf.

Thanks Valerie, and your the one who has inspired me.

I'm glad to hear that, Wiggins. ^_^ You seem like such a sincere Christian, and I'm thankful if this story pushed you in the right direction. May God continue to bless you.

wow. i learned a lot through this. thanks for sharing your testimony.

You're welcome, convoybutterfly. Thanks for reading through all that.

I just wanted to thank you again Valerie, and God as well of course for posting this. My mom's going through tough times,and she at times begins to doubt God's existence. I don't know why but I felt that I should show her what you wrote, and I don't know if it did any good, but she did say she felt better. So thank you Valerie. Thank You God!
Wiggins

I appreciate your comment so much, Wiggins. At first, I was really scared about posting this letter, but I was encouraged by Gypsy to post. I'm so thankful that she did. If my letter can help even one person out it was worth it. Tell your mum thanks for reading my letter. If she wants to chat or anything I'll pm you my email. Just let me know. God bless you on your continual walk with the Lord.

There isn't much I can say exept "thank you" for posting this. I really needed to read it... Though I haven't had the experiences you have had, I relatd to the feelings behind it very well. I am glad that you allowed the pain in your life to be used as a testimony of God's grace and unfaltering love. Perhaps one day I'll have the courage to do the same. *hugs*

Thanks, Iesu. I'm glad it encouraged you. You're a wonderful friend.

Dear Chloe,

All I can say is Praise God for His goodness. Your letter really opened my eyes and I'm glad to have you here with us. It is a great blessing!

Praise God!

Thanks.

Right now, I'm pretty bad off emotionally... it's a bit diffrent than yours, though, I think.

You... had problems with anger... toward other people and stuff. With me... my anger is toward myself. I put all blame on myself. Even since I was a kid, I've *hated* myself. That's where my developing hate is directed... maybe at others a little (I tend to dislike people in general), but it's mostly toward myself.

I did not have a violent childhood. I had one where I was picked on a lot, made to feel inferior a lot, but not violent.

I just figure that God's either going to get me out of this... or I'm just going to keep spiraling down until I die from this (through suicide or perhaps some other means, physical health going downhill as a result of the depression or something). And, maybe that will be alright, too, though I'm scared to face God.

Meh... at least thank you for showing me that God brought you through your time... maybe he'll do the same for me (or, like, I said, I'll die, but maybe that will be okay, too). And thanks for showing that it might take a long time. With me... well... it's been... my life... it seems... like.

I was pondering last night the subject of happiness. I'm not sure I've ever been really *happy* for any extended period of time since I was five years old.

I don't think I've ever wanted to be happy, just content. And with that contentment, I knew joy would follow. Joy is something that reaches deeper than happiness. It's a well in your soul that never runs dry. On sad and cloudy days, it's knowing that He is still there. It's when you wake up in the morning and realize, "this is the day the Lord hath made, we will rejoice and be glad in it."

When I used to drive my kids to school I always told them, "remember, today is the day the Lord hath made, rejoice and be glad in it." I used to say this just to get a small chuckle from them, and then as they got older it was more a humph of disgust, like, "oh no, not again." Or, "mom's lost it again." But, I tell them in all seriousness, "are you breathing?"

If the answer was yes, then I'd assure them that this is the day that the Lord made for them. ^_^

Be thankful, Shadsie. God is real and you're here. You might want to read the end Bible study again of my Open Letter. The Spirit is real and it's something that comes alive deep within your soul when you spend time with God. Read His Word and it will speak to you. I promise.

If you have a church family, that sometimes help. When I was down that didn't always help. Just yesterday I was feeling down and went for a walk, wanting to feel the air chill my lungs. Even my sadness is proof of God's existence, because even in our hurt and despair where do we go? Where else - straight into His arms. I'm thankful for sad days, because then I go to speak to my Lord faster than on those days that are going great.

I don't know how to help you, that's something that you know and I know, only you can do. He's knocking, you need to answer the door.

Please, feel free to pm me. I pm'd you a little note and I'm always around.

I just finished reading through all of this, and I just have to say "whoa". You'd think with all the things that goes on in a "typical" Christian life, that you'd get somewhat accustomed to awesome testimonies like these, but the truth is that you don't, and that's a wonderful thing. Praise the Lord for you!! ^_^

Still though... whoa.

Thanks, Tupelo Duck. ^_^ I'm glad you were wowed. I appreciate you reading through all that and you're right, Praise the Lord, always!