CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

hey this is my newest story hope you enjoy. I'm deeply sorry but there will only be three Instalments , here is the first mope you like it. I will instal the rest later. I would be glad to take any kind of feed back. I know it sucks so please don't tell me how bad it is, just tell me what I could do to change it. Thanks

Social Life at Risk!
By Zen

The boys threw the water balloons bravilly, but they stood no chance againced the girls! When we were at home school group, we who are the boys were challenged by the great girl Empire. In the middle of class Katie Ruesch (their leader)came up with all her friends and said firmly “Hello boys, we are here to ask you to join us in the water balloon fight challenge of the year. We will compete at Holiday Park this Friday. If we win we smash all your electronics! If you will we’ll be you slaves for the rest of our lives! So what do you say?â€

you know It took a long time to write this story and nobodies read it yet? this really makes me feal rejected. All i wanted was alittle feed back ar somthing that's only part one! I do want to put parts 2 and 3 but only if a few people say that it's good!

Thank for for paragraphing. It helps.

I'm not going to seriously critique this, but perhaps I can provide a bit of help.

Proof read this at least once. I think there are a number of typos/errors that you would clear up the moment you saw them. This would help.

Start a new paragraph when a new person begins talking. That also will help.

You may want to be more descriptive in your water balloon fight scene. Give more information than the number of people going down, state how they did it. Tell us what given people are doing in their attempts in the battle. All this will help.

Other than that, all I have to say is that it is somewhat difficult to make me care greatly about a water balloon fight. And now, because I've done it every single other time, I'm completely obligated to end this paragraph with the world help.

Ok...I read it. Umm...well I've never read a story about a water balloon fight before so...it was interesting. I like your guts though at going ahead and writing something for the fun of it. Its making me want to write somthing for you all to read.

Oh, and I like the name Caleb, thats in my list of names to call my kids.

I'm not much of a reader and writer, you know. ^^;

There are some glaring grammatical errors and typos that need fixing. I'll listen to whatever else Master UC said. ^^

The balloon fight is kinda amusing (brings back great memories), the boys shaking like jelly before the fight reminds me of Joshua and Caleb in the Bible. I'm curious as to how does Social Life become at risk because of this (?)..oh well, I'll wait and see.

Mave wrote:...Master UC said. ^^

and that makes two people...

Meanwhile, when are you going to put the rest of this up? Is it written and you're just waiting, or do the last two parts of the story need to be written?

uc pseudonym wrote::eyebrow: and that makes two people...

Meanwhile, when are you going to put the rest of this up? Is it written and you're just waiting, or do the last two parts of the story need to be written?

thanks for replying!:grin: I really appresiate(spelling?) that

uc pseudonym wrote::eyebrow: and that makes two people...

o.0 is that offending? Sorry, then...I remember seeing it somewhere in the forum and thought it was a new cool way of referring to you.

Ahem, anyway..yes, Inferno, do tell us, are you intending to post more?

It's "appreciate".

From Kokoro: I hope you don't mind me going through this red pen style - I work easier that way. ^^;;

Social Life at Risk!
By Zen

The boys threw the water balloons bravilly bravely, but they stood no chance againced against the girls! [usually exclamation points are only used during internal monologue (when a character is thinking to himself) or during dialogue. Here it looks awkward and out of place.] When we were at home school group, we who are the boys ["who are the boys" sounds a bit awkward as well. Try something that makes the sentence flow better like "...we boys were challenged"] were challenged by the great girl Empire. In the middle of class Katie Ruesch (their leader) [putting things in parentheses interrupts the paragraph unecessarily. I suggest finding a way to put this information into the story itself, instead of setting it apart] came up with all her friends and said firmly, “Hello boys, we are here to ask you to join us in the water balloon fight challenge of the year. We will compete at Holiday Park this Friday. If we win we smash all your electronics! If you will we’ll be you slaves for the rest of our lives! So what do you say?â€

The red is so smart to use, Kokoro. ^_^ I don't have anything to add. I'm really tired of critiqueing stuff these days. I just don't have the time. I'd listen to Kokoro and be happy.

Honestly, just keep writing. If it's good people will come. If it's worth critiques you'll get some. Usually, only a certain amount of people actually bother to read stuff and critique here in the writing forum. It was really nice of Kokoro to give you an edit like that. That takes a lot of time. I worked three hours on someone who pm'd me asking for an edit and that was the last time I did that. I really don't have time to do edits these days, so I applaud Kokoro's work for you and you should be very, very grateful.

[quote="Kokoro Daisuke"]From Kokoro: I hope you don't mind me going through this red pen style - I work easier that way. ^^]

Social Life at Risk!
By Zen

The boys threw the water balloons bravilly [color=Red]bravely, but they stood no chance againced against the girls! [usually exclamation points are only used during internal monologue (when a character is thinking to himself) or during dialogue. Here it looks awkward and out of place.] When we were at home school group, we who are the boys ["who are the boys" sounds a bit awkward as well. Try something that makes the sentence flow better like "...we boys were challenged"] were challenged by the great girl Empire. In the middle of class Katie Ruesch (their leader) [putting things in parentheses interrupts the paragraph unecessarily. I suggest finding a way to put this information into the story itself, instead of setting it apart] came up with all her friends and said firmly, “Hello boys, we are here to ask you to join us in the water balloon fight challenge of the year. We will compete at Holiday Park this Friday. If we win we smash all your electronics! If you will we’ll be you slaves for the rest of our lives! So what do you say?â€

oh dang double post could a mod please delete one of them?

Yes, I could.

Meanwhile, no, it isn't offensive, Mave. Just odd.

This newest chapter... it strikes me as an instane joke, really. With bullet time, and bazookas, etc. Interesting, though. Makes water balloon fighting far more interesting than it actually is.

^^ Entertaining second chapter, Inferno! Would you like me to go through this one, too?

Kokoro Daisuke wrote:^^ Entertaining second chapter, Inferno! Would you like me to go through this one, too?

If you could that would be great, but if you can't or don't have time just don't.

Focus time is where time slows down and you can dodge balloons, catch them, or deflect them!

Ohhh boy. Its the Matrix all over again. Interesting second part there Inferno!

DrNic wrote:Ohhh boy. Its the Matrix all over again. Interesting second part there Inferno!

thank you, thank you, *bows like crazy*

Your computer seems to double post relatively frequently. That could be caused if you had clicked post, then changed something and clicked it again. That posts twice. If you want to edit something, wait until it's posted and then alter it using the "edit" function. Meanwhile, I'll take care of it.

ok thanks for the advice UC.