CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

[Author's not: YEP, I am embarking on a journey to be PUBLISHED. Here's the frist chapter of my fantasy novel, The Crescent Moon. ^^ Tell me what you think. And uhm...don't read if you disagree with slight violence and magic in general]

He could feel the heat of the fire, the flames licking at his feet, the embers dancing up in flurries around him catching on his robes and stinging his eyes. Ash and smoke swirled in the hot air as he looked on, watching the destruction. Watching the death. Somewhere far off he could hear the cries of a child. First nothing but soft whimpers, though steadily it rose into chillingly painful wails.

“Mommy…mommy, daddy, wake up…please. PLEASE!â€

[gonna have to post the rest of it now...^^;]

“Dredd…are you awake yet?â€

[last one! @_@]

“Cookie cookie cookie cookie!â€

although i haven't been able to read all of the post so far @_@ so much...

i like it alot...you go away from what is normally in the fantasy world...copycats of JR tolkien (former self included) and you give a fresh outlook to the fantasy world...it's refreshing to find that...and it's not sci-fi either..which is cool..

keep it up..i see little editing things..but that is minor crud anyways...and yes has magic but that seems to be the definition of fantasy..as long as it doesn't go against the Lord, I think it's cool!!! Keep it up!!

^^; The magic is kind of a "it comes from within you" sort of thing. No chanting or spell components or sacrifices or anything like that. *bows* Sankyuu for even trying to read that large SLAB O' TEXT

[author's note: unedited first draft of part of the second chapter. Don't read if you don't like magic, the concept of a 16 year old Christian writer creating a fantasy religion for her book that she'd NEVER believe in or take seriously, or theologically incorrect use of the word angel.]

“Dredd, could you please find me the jar of lavender?â€

Couple of typos, like "Standing at the foot of the bed, a little tin cup clutched in his paws, was a tiny boy, a tin cup clutched in his hands." -- the first segment -- but other than that your story is TOTALLY awesome You are a really good writer! At first, I thought Fishy was really a stuffed--fish. Maybe you could clear it up by using nice easy words like "beanie-baby"? lol!

JediSonic wrote:Couple of typos, like "Standing at the foot of the bed, a little tin cup clutched in his paws, was a tiny boy, a tin cup clutched in his hands." -- the first segment --

*runs back to fix that* ADD MOMENT! ^^;

I wrote this really fantastic long post last night regarding your story and how much I loved it and how beautifully you wrote and guess what? It all disappeared as I was thrown off the internet by some unknown force; and I turned off the computer without logging out. So now if anybody looked into what I was doing on CAA they would see that I was stuck viewing the forum list for over 14 hours.

Okay, enough of that. Hi, Kokoro. My daughter, chibi_chan here, bugged me for the last few days to read your story. She promised me it was really good. Well, I don't usually read fantasy. *boo, hiss from the crowd* Yes, I'm pretty much a fan of David McCollugh, Amy Tan, Beth Moore and various other writers in that vein. So, when she forced me to read another fantasy story I was like, "urgh, okay."

However, I was happy to see how well-written this story was. I was impressed by how you intertwined metaphor and passive and active voice. Your dialogue had movement and wasn't stalemate, like many young writers. Your characters developed their own characteristics and weren't flat. I really liked Dredd's little Fishy. He was a neat little bonus to Dredd's personality. I feel like a judge on American Idol when they finally hear someone who can sing. Great job. When will you be writing more?

Oh yes, I also commented on the dream sequence at the beginning. Dream beginnings usually get tossed in the slush pile by editors since it's been way overused by new writers. That's what I've heard. So, you might want to reconsider your beginning and make it a back story later on in your piece, especially if you're serious about sending this out for publication.

Anyhoos, good stuff.

Oh dear...I'm sorry to hear about you post! The evilness that not even copy and paste can save! *gaspeth*

*bows* I'm so glad you liked it! ^^ I'm quite serious about sending this out for publication once I've got it all drafted out. I've been planning on doing something like Noir with the dream - have it repeat over a few times, revealing more and more of it each time.