CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

If you people would be so kind to give some feedback to my little plot

Zion : the homeless hero
Zions parents were killed in front of his eyes as the age of six. He was raised in an orphange until 9 when it was burned to the ground by local gangs. In tears Zion ran into the streets rather than be taken by police into another orphange...he lived on the streets for about a week where he saw a Martial arts master save a woman from begin mugged. He followed him into is home where they spoke and the master took him in as his apprentice. 7 years later Zion noticed his master was gone leaving a note behind with some money saying to bring justice to the streets. Which eventally leads him to be homeless.

Well thats it I have more details but dont have time to write them down now. If any of you want more details just say so. Being honest im sure wont be a problem just try not to be a jerk.

Sounds good thus far, perhaps you could add why he did it, and what his goals are.

Sangoku wrote:Sounds good thus far, perhaps you could add why he did it, and what his goals are.

DUDE THAT ZERO IS ILL anywho pretty much the same as batman his seen alot of bad stuff and dosent want anyone to go though what he did(I had to keep in mind the policies so that toned in down some....no ALOT)

Duo 02 wrote:DUDE THAT ZERO IS ILL anywho pretty much the same as batman his seen alot of bad stuff and dosent want anyone to go though what he did(I had to keep in mind the policies so that toned in down some....no ALOT)

I see, thats cool. I assume that you are implying that my avatar or sig is cool, I just never heard that expression; "ill" before.

[quote="Sangoku"]I see, thats cool. I assume that you are implying that my avatar or sig is cool, I just never heard that expression]

no its making me sick..lol just kidding yeah its super great thanks for the feedback

Well, given that you specifically asked me to look into this, I figure I have to. This is the thread you referred to, correct?

It seems fine. It also seems a lot like Batman. What would really make this idea unique is what happens after the story begins. You could go a number of directions with this, many of them good. In your initial post, you said you had more details... what are they?

sounds good but it seems like perhaps you need to add some more details etc...but it sounds like a cool idea...kinda like Batman samurai style....always like Batman hehehehe

You should post more on this soon, I like to hear more.

agree with Sangoku...maybe you should make a story out of it...if you want..sounds like it would be good...

Have you started writing this story? I'm curious.

Wow, I got this thread a lot of attention. That's fine by me, and probably by Duo 2, as well.

Quite alright with me

uc pseudonym wrote:Well, given that you specifically asked me to look into this, I figure I have to. This is the thread you referred to, correct?

It seems fine. It also seems a lot like Batman. What would really make this idea unique is what happens after the story begins. You could go a number of directions with this, many of them good. In your initial post, you said you had more details... what are they?

if I posted them id get banned

true_noir_chloe wrote:Have you started writing this story? I'm curious.

ive only written one small part ill post sooner or later I have the outline all in my head and ive also taken things from the bible

Duo 02 wrote:if I posted them id get banned

PM me. I won't ban you.

uc pseudonym wrote::eyebrow:
PM me. I won't ban you.

Well I dont think id get banned but id certianly get the brow

Ok I have two stories of Zion done All I need to do is type them on to the comp.

This story is the intro. of Seth I wont tell you much about him now just read the story if its your will

Seth
Age: 26
Height: 5'10
Weight: 265

On the roof of a buildings Zion in counters a Man waiting for him

Seth: Zion isn't it?

Zion: Who are you? What do you want?

Seth: Seth is my name, I am a student of Master Long

Zion: Tae kwon do....that is your art right?

Seth: Yes....now show me??

Zion: What???

Seth: Show me what Master Lee has taught you or are you to afraid to fi..

Zion dashes toward Seth with utmost speed and deliverers a left jab headed for Seth's face however he blocks with ease Zion then goes for a right elbow with the same target and with the same results. Seeing fist aren't working well Zion trys a Double lift kick with his right foot making contact with Seth's rib.The left foot was aimed at his head but quickly evaded by simply pulling his head back.Zion goes for some more fancy footwork with a high spinning left roundhouse ,Seth ducks under the blow, using this momentum build by his roundhouse kick Zion uses the same move but with his right foot.Seth's blocks the kick and pushes the leg back putting.

Zion gets into a fighting stance.Seth goes on the offensive with a middle right roundhouse kick , Zion blocks, Seth ,while his foot is still in air, try to go for Zions head by bending his knees back and launching the attack . Zion counter by catching the Seth's leg then rolls under it and emerges from the other side ,while still holding Seth's leg,and kicks the back of Seth's knee causing him to fall..Zion backs away and maintains an alert stance...Seth picks himself up....

Seth: Much better than I thought...huff..huff...now allow me to take it up a notch...

Seth runs toward Zion as Zion raises his fist higher Seth duck very close to Zion and as low to the ground as he can get then gives Zion a kick to the chin .Zion is lifted off the ground but manages to land on his feet. Seth springs to his feet and executes a a high right side kick Zion blocks. Realizing he must end this quick , Zion counters with two jabs to Seth's face than a right jab to Seth's left peck and a left jab for the right and a hard ear slap Zion goes for a Palm thrust to the chest.

However Seth catches the blow at the wrist and moves it a side while doing this Seth cuts across Zion left cheek with a back fist Zion is stunned and Seth waste no time using a a middle front right kick to Zion gut taking the air right out of the hero. Seth finishes it with a right side kick to Zions face...Zion falls knock out...Seth walk over to Zion and tosses a piece of paper on his body

Seth: Heres to a new ally

Joesph: ZION!!!..*jumps over to the roof top to Zion*

Zion: I'll.....I can beat you..uggghh *coughs up blood*

Seth: humph *walks away and jumps to another roof until hes out of sight*

Joesph looks at a beaten Zion

Joesph: Boy you got messed up.

End

Story
EMG

Coming along good. Some of his actions seem a bit abrupt though. Maybe through some more dialogue in there to show the characters' intentions? In any case, it's coming along very well. Keep it up!

Bunny wrote:Coming along good. Some of his actions seem a bit abrupt though. Maybe through some more dialogue in there to show the characters' intentions? In any case, it's coming along very well. Keep it up!

keep it up?? im typing the second part now thats for the encouragement

Excellent, post soon. Your story/script is very interesting.

Sangoku wrote:Excellent, post soon. Your story/script is very interesting.

thanks man

this sounds awesome!

keep it updated I want to hear more!, archy

arch_angel wrote:this sounds awesome!

keep it updated I want to hear more!, archy

AND MORE YOU SHALL HAVE cute avatar btw

The piece of paper Seth gave Zion had a address of a abandon building winter is near so Zion and Joesph rejoice in a new home however Zion ,still angry bout his defeat by Seth, is in a depression 3 day have passed since Zion and Seth fought

Zion is in the corner sitting down on the floor staring into space...Joesph is cleaning out the the trash plied up in the room

Zion: this sucks

Joesph:......Shut up Zion

Zion sighs bows his head

Zion: I'm cold and hungry

Joesph:..yeah cause thinking about it helps

Zion looks around the room

Zion: I hate this....how can you live with this dont you want more???

Joesph throws a bag of trash across the room

Joesph:NO Z I like begin cold, hungry,broke, with no bed to sleep on I like..No I LOVE IT ZION I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN THIS PATHETIC MEANINGLESS LIFE......Whats with you?

Zion: him

Joesph: OH God not this again he beat you Zion get over it hes an ally whats the big deal?

Zion: And what if hes playing with me huh...you saw his skill..he made me look like a atmature..

Joesph: No he didn't. You made a move and he had a REALLY good counter combo.Your still living..now shut up and let me clean in peace..or you could help...you could go to the dump and see if there's anything we can use...

Zion just sits there with no response..Joesph walk out the door ...a good hour passes until a tall Spanish man walk into the room with a LARGE knife at hand.

Spanish man: WHAT'D YOU SAY BOUT ME WHITE BOY!!!

The man runs toward Zion with his knife in air and slashes downward at Zion.Zion catches the blade then kicks the man in the stomach.He grabs his gut as Zion throws the knife aside gets up and starts to beat the man to a pulp....he drags the man by the hood of his jacket out in to the street and continues down the road with the man still in hand he stop in the middle of a above water bridge Zion then throws the thug in and wait to see him come up for air. the man comes up alive and swimming to keep himself that way.Zion walk back home and sees Joesph cleaning up..Zion notices a blanket on the floor

Zion: where'd you get this?

Zion rubs it on his cheek (sniff)

Zion: Jess?

Joesph:She told me to give it to you..I met her on the way back from the dump...sigh..she shouldn't be out alone...its a rape waiting to happen..

Zion: She'll never learn..did you walk her home?

Joesph: you kidding me with the gangs, pimps,and all those crazy Vatos out there I had her carry me here..heh heh..yeah I walked her home.

Zion: heh good

Joesph : You seem to be in a better mood..Let off some steam??

Zion: yeah..thanks.

Joesph: Welcome

Zion bundles up in the corner with his new blanket

Joesph: you get all the blanket I get all the mattress

Zion looks in disbelief at a old king size mattress

Zion: YEAH OK!!!!

Zion trys to push Joesph so he can have some space..Joesph pushes back

Joesph: I share the matt you share the blanket

Zion: Fine!

Zion gives Joesph the end of the blanket and Joesph pulls half of it over him. Zion gets comfy

Zion: this is awesome

Joesph: Yeah and A roof to go over it too all we need is some food..but im not complaining

Zion: G'night

Joesph: Goodnight sugar

Zion starts punching Joesph laughs while blocking

Joesph: HAHAHA What dont like that one how 'bout honey or babe

Zion lands a punch in the ribs

Joesph: Ow

End
Story
EMG
Note: Joesph is not gay just screwing with Zion and as for the admin. UC said he wouldn't have a problem me mentioning rape in my stories

And I'll stay by that.

For what your intentions were, it works very nicely. The story has a bit of a flavor to it now.

I'd have one suggestion, however, and that has to do with the fighting scene. While your actions themselves were good, a bit more structure/paragraphing would be helpful. Group sets of actions in paragraphs for easier reading.

uc pseudonym wrote:And I'll stay by that.

For what your intentions were, it works very nicely. The story has a bit of a flavor to it now.

I'd have one suggestion, however, and that has to do with the fighting scene. While your actions themselves were good, a bit more structure/paragraphing would be helpful. Group sets of actions in paragraphs for easier reading.

I was worried about that ill give it a try...as of now im ploting the Beast of the Sea story arc..before this ill write the intro. of Jessica...also i just remembered I HAVENT DESCRIBED CHARACTERS......O well ill let the reader picture his or her version of my characters I will give a little in fo on them

Zion
Age: 16
Height: 5'8
Weight:195
hes pretty buff but not TOO buff

Joesph
Age: 19
Height: 5'10
Weight: 175
always wears a hat

I just wanted to say to the people who liked my story " I love you guys/girls"

Im pleased to announce that Sangoku will be writing side stroies along with original stories about Zion so where a little interview


To Sangoku

Where are you going with Zion?