Aster's poems

[AsterlonKnight]

Hey there. Well, like the thread says this is some of my poetry. If you like it, nifty! If you don't, that's nifty too! Just please say why (even if you liked it) and what, if anything, you found unclear or awkward. The first are ones I wrote on my own, the last one I had to write for school.

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Isn't this something?
I'm back at the bottom again,
I'm all alone and drowning.

I remember sunshine and running,
And how you kissed me in the rain.
Isn't this something?

I had no intention of stopping.
Not a thing to lose, a whole world to gain.
I'm all alone and drowning.

Then the world stopped spinning,
Golden sunshine spilled down the drain.
Isn't this something?

I slipped and started falling,
Now only one thing's the same:
I'm all alone and drowning.

In the silence I can hear my heart pounding.
My dreams are crushed, I'm numb with pain.
Isn't this something?
I'm all alone and drowning.

(One thing about this......if it's possible to write a non depressive sounding villanelle, I've yet to figue it out. <_<)

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Dance a song of life and love,
Sing strong and true the thread of light.
Weave fast the fires of hope undying,
Keep them burning through the fight.
Rhymers, tell of man’s last glory;
How he quailed with hope in sight.
Then tell of they who dared to dance
And how they shone with pure delight.
Break down this dream of dark despair,
Hold on high the jewel of night.
Play on through tears’ eternal tide,
Soul’s sorrow is their tune of might.

(I wrote this with one of my story ideas in mind. Involves an orphaned young man, an exiled and exceedingly cocky elf, and a very disillusioned bard having to work together to save their world. Only after I wrote this and read over it did I realize how parts of it could fit into the Wheel of Time universe....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ode to the Night

Night, spread your diamond blanket o’er me
For I have traveled long and I am weary.
My mind is shattered, I cannot think.
The cares of the world are too much for me,
I don’t think that I can last.
Take my soul and plunge it in a milky bath,
Heal my spirit with your dark hand.
Please shield my eyes from the glare of the sun,
They need your darkness to see.
Help me for I cannot seem to rest.
Show me Orion and the comet’s path.
Take me to Diana’s realm and may I there remain.
Sing me to sleep with the thrumming of the stars,
Unwind my thoughts with your winds.
Night, please spread your diamond blanket o’er me,
I am weary and cannot sleep at all.

~~~~~~~~

If I feel any of the others I have a worth posting, I'll post 'em.

[shadowblade]

I really enjoyed reading your poems. I think my favorite one was Ode to the Night; the descriptions were awesome. The only thing I can think that was missing was a title for the other two. Other than that, they were all really great.

[Jaltus-bot]

I haven't posted here. Wow. Asterlonknight, please continue writing poetry.

[ice122985]

i like the one that had the cocky elf and the bard that were trying to save thier world. it had...style and class.

[faithfighter]

Your poemswere great!
I really like the last one.
I made my mind sore!
The second one was great too!
It was like reading an elvish song!

[Kaori]

Wow, a villanelle--that's not something you see every day. I had to look the term up, but it seems this is a moderately complex form. My compliments on choosing such a tightly structured form; it's unusual, and your use of it was fairly effective.

My initial thought on your second poem was that it could apply to life in general, although I can see how it would be fitting for a fantasy story. This is probably my favorite out of these three poems; I like the elevated tone, and there are some nice images and phrases in it.

"Ode to the Night" has an interesting mix of some conventional ideas (Diana, the personification of Night) along with more novel images (like the "milky bath"). I like the general richness of imagery in the poem, although there are some that work better for me than others. In contrast, the simpler lines sometimes have a quiet beauty to them. Two that I find particularly effective are these: "For I have traveled long and I am weary" and "Heal my spirit with your dark hand." Again, there were some lines that seemed stronger than others, but in general this is a good work. I enjoy the fact that the entire poem is an extended apostrophe to Night.

[LostChild]

those are really awesome! i like how you use repitition, excelent! better than anything i could ever come up with. mine are all like, boring and stuff. keep up the good work, and keep 'em comin'!