ummm...me attempting to write a story

[churchgirl111]

"Used to be," Roreki gazed into her eyes, penetrating her soul. She felt as if the hand of death had touched her.

"Yeah, but don't worry Chitana," Kyoshen smiled, "He doesn't work for them anymore."

Chitana felt an immediate distrust to the man. After all, what's the saying? Once a thief always a thief. Although she felt that he probably had done much worse then stealing.

"I see you don't trust me still," Roreki noticed the distrust that fogged Chitana's eyes, "Very well. Let me tell you my story."

"I was raised here in Kyoto," he began, "before the Revolution. My parents were killed and I was orphaned at a young age. Starving, I wandered the streets in search of food. I took even from dead bodies that lined the way. One day in this neverending search, some bandits wanted to kill me for the little piece of bread that i carried. They almost succeeded. They beat me so badly that i passed out." He paused at the remembrance. Pouring some sake and taking a sip, he continued.

" A member of the okami clan found me and healed me. They became like the family i never knew nor had. I was trained in their style for many years. Finally, I was inducted as a member of the clan at the age of 16. The okami clan supported the ways of the shogunate and fought dearly for those beliefs. They were afraid of losing their heritage and culture that hadn't changed for thousands of years. They killed when they had to defend Kyoto and their families."

" Under the leader, Shosugawa Toyotome, they killed honorably and only for a reason. I also killed in their name and was prepared to die in that name. I rose up in ranks until i became 2nd in command only to the Leader himself. That was my life for most of the Revolution. Until about a year before the end of it."
" A man named Sojouro Kishami, also known as the "white wolf", rose up against the leader. He said that we should be killing more the those who wanted the shogunate done away with. He wanted assasinations and secret killings. He wanted a more aggressive standpoint. His ideals caused division within the okami clan." He grimaced in remebrance.

" Right before the division, I alone was taught the clan's ultimate technique. I sided with Shosugawa and a great battle ensued within our own ranks. Sojouro brought in ninjas from other clans to aid him. We were slaughtered. I held Shosugawa as he died from fatal wounds. He made me promise that i would uphold the okami honor. The true okami clan and not the one that Sojouro has created. "

Roreki paused, lost in memory. "That is why i am no longer part of the okami clan," he continued, "run by Sojouro its honor has been corrupted and tainted."

The room was silent for a moment lost in memory and sorrow.
"So Chitana," he looked at her and smiled, "do you trust me?"

Chitana smiled back and nodded. "But," her smile faded, "what do they want with me?"

[true_noir_chloe]

I was wondering if you might put a little movement in the middle of that long dialogue. It might be nice if he picked up a cup of tea, slurped it and continued, or something like that. It's just a really long section of dialogue with no movement. That's my two cents. I like your story, though, and keep writing. ^_^

[churchgirl111]

Roreki looked at her,"I wish I knew."

Kyoshen stood up and started clearing the tea, "Will you at least see what you can dig up, Roreki?"

Roreki sighed. "I'll do my best but you owe me," he added with a smile.

They all bade goodnight and Chitana was shown to her new room. The child bowed politely and said goodnight as she shut the screen. Chitana began unpacking her things.

Her clothes were neatly put away. I suppose I will have to shop for something more suited then these English style dresses, she thought remembering the stares from the suprised citizens.



Author: SOrry have to go will write more later....

[true_noir_chloe]

I like that short bit of dialogue. Really well done, churchgirl.

[Icarus]

nice

[Kesshin]

I second that, Icarus. Very nice. When will she write more, I wonder/

[churchgirl111]

More Yeah!!

Chitana decided to change into a kimono that one of the students had brought. Then she began to unpack the few other items she had brought.
A few books, a Bible, which she carefully hid, the amulet that was found upon her at birth and a Japanese kitana that her father had insisted she learn.

Placing the amulet necklace around her neck, she drew the blade. It flashed silver in the moon's light. A rush of memories flashed back as the moon's silhouette glow draped the sword's blade.

"No daughter of mine is going to be suprised by an attacker. Especially you," he had said when she protested against being trained.

And he had trained her, toning her body and muscles. Her hands became hard and callused and her joints no longer ached when she moved. She and her sword became a weapon. She also was taught the art of kemp "Law of the Fist" incase of the chance her sword was not used.

A friend of her father's oversaw her training. When she asked about him once, her father seemed to stare off into space and into a distant memories.

"I met him during the War in Japan, where i found you. He was a slayer back then," he looked at her sadly," Many men died under his blade. His reputation was washed in blood."

He stared back out the window," Since he was a boy, he was taught in the art of how to kill. His clan demanded it. And to defend the honor of his clan and his family, he had to honor every request."

Chitana noticed tears form in his eyes, "After we met, he decided to leave his ways behind him. He had seen the error of his ways and seen the Truth that is in Jesus." He shook his head, "This seperated him forever from his family and homeland. To them, he is dead. Or worse, he was never born."

He looked at her thoughtfully, "But you know, when i asked him if he was ready to leave his land and family forever, he said: "I have a new family in God and he will provide for me even though my family forsakes me.""

Chitana came back from her memories and smiled to herself. He trained me well in this sword, she thought, may it not be in vain. She sheathed her sword and laid down to rest.

She did not notice the eyes that watched her from the darkness.


MORE LATER!!!

[true_noir_chloe]

Woohoo, it's getting good. Thanks churchgirl. You do get better each time you post. I'll await finding out who's watching her.

[Icarus]

I was wondering how I could have missed this, then I noted it was posted during work. Phew. I love it. Back stories are some of my favorite things.

[Kesshin]

You rock, Churchgirl! Keep it up. ^^

[churchgirl111]

okay attempting to write more...

Two figures concealed in the darkness of shadows and trees, eyed Chitana as a hunter eyes its prey. They were dressed in black with a double edged sword strapped to their backs. There business was to watch and know everything of their target.

The younger of the two, Kuroki turned to his partner, "Why does the leader wish us to watch this foreign girl? Can't we just kill her and be done with it."

The other scout, Cicoren, whacked him aside the head, "oh yes, That'll be good. Kill her and not know anything about her. Boss wants her alive. besides if you didn't notice she isn't foreign."

Kuroki just grumbled. Cicoren carefully marked every area of her room and that of her two companions. As dawn approached, the two men faded with the rising sun. Two shadows that were not noticed as the night came and disappeared, unaware, with the lights coming.

As the morning arose, Chitana awoke to the sounds of asahs (martial art yells) from the students. She found that another kimono had been laid out for her. Putting that on she ventured out.

She came closer and closer to the yells. Turning down a hall led her to a large dojo where many students, children and old alike, were practicing bushido (art of the sword) with shinai's (wooden swords). Some were practicing throws, puches and kicks.

Chitana noticed Kyoshen giving out commands. He was strict with his students demanding absolute effort. But he also kept a type of comradeship among them. Who is this man, Chitana thought.

Noticing her Kyoshen stopped his class and called her over. "Class," he began with the blushing Chitana beside him, "this is Chitana-chan. She will be joining us for a while. Please show her the same respect that you would show me, understood?"

"Hai! (Yes)" the class resounded. "Sensei," a young boy piped up, "why don't you show Chitana-chan some bushido also." Kyoshen smiled, "Well why don't we have a little sparring match." He turned to her, "That is if you approve."

Chitana tried hard not to burst out laughing, "Very well. I will do my best."
Putting her hair up into a bun, she grabbed the shinai given to her. The students spread out into a circle, sorrounding them and yelling encouragment to her: "Go easy on her, sensei!" "Go get him, chitanchan, show him what your made of."

Kyoshen smiled at her as he took of his shirt and grabbed a shinai from a student. He approached her, "I won't go to hard on you. I don't want you to hold back. So show me whatcha got." Chitana smiled, "ok. Let the dance begin."

The two bowed and circled away from eachother. Raising her sword, she attacked.

More later!! Sorry have to leave at a cliff hanger hehehe

[true_noir_chloe]

>Kuroki just grumbled

This is a common error that I thought I might as well remark on. It's very common here with the young writers. You all do not need to place the "just" here. It is unnecessary embellishment. You can write it like this:

Kuroki grumbled.

It will flow better. Sorry, I used your thread to do this, but don't worry churchgirl. This is something very common around the writing section. I'm using you as an example.

However, your story is going along well and I do like where you're going with it. It's a good story and I'll keep reading it.

[churchgirl111]

actually my creative writing class is working on flash fiction so i understand completly what you mean...i need to cut out unnecessary items...Arigato and no big...glad to be an example God bless

[churchgirl111]

Sword upon sword clunked together. Kyoshen blinked in suprise. Chitana smirked. Both jumped back away from eachother.

"But..how-"Kyoshen stammered. "Are you going to just sit there or fight?" Chitana yelled coming in again to attack. Kyoshen blocked on instinct. both barred against eachother, Chitana ducked and did a forward thrust to Kyoshen's soplex. He dropped down to her knees, looking up to Chitana as she thrust the shinai under his throat. Looking down, Chitana noticed his sword pointed to her stomach. Draw.

The students applauded. Apparently, this was not the first time that Kyoshen had found a formidable opponet. Chitana noticed Ruroki standing in the doorway. She shivered under his gaze.

After the match, she allowed Kyoshen to continue his classes. She decided it would be best if she went to her room. Anything to escape Ruroki's gaze.
As Chitana entered her room, she felt two arms grab her. One cupped her mouth and the other held a dagger to her throat.

"You move, you die," the voice whispered. I don't think so, Chitana thought. She lifted her arms and pulled the sword away while turning her head and stopping the foot. The man howled in pain as Chitana then twisted the dagger from his hand and pinned it behind his back. Grabbing the dagger, Chitana placed it at the man's throat.

The man wore a black, tight clothing. That of the ninja's. His face and neck concealed. His white hair in a pony tail.

"I don't want to have to kill you," she tried to say in an even breath, "however, if you twitch, I will defend myself."

The man laughed. "If the blade even touches my skin, my companions will kill every one of the students. Including your little boyfriend." Chitana gritted her teeth and pushed harder on his pinned hand, ripping the shoulder, and causing the man to yell.

"You little-" he said through clenched teeth. Suddenly, Chitana felt the dagger ripped out the her hand, her hands painfully behind her back, bringing her to one knee. One of his companions held her, several others had popped in, almost out of thin air.

The white-haired man stooped down, "Take my warning. Go home and do not return." He turned to leave when he noticed Chitana's amulet necklace.
He stared in suprise and looked at his companions. They seemed just as suprised, the look of shock in their eyes.

"Shurogen," he said, his eyes transfixed on the necklace.

"Chitana! Chitana!" Kyoshen's voice could be heard. Don't come in you fool, chitana prayed silently, Please Jesus, no. He'll be killed.

She felt a small prick on the back of her neck. The hands that held her suddenly left along with the sword. Chitana started to fall to the floor. Darkness consumed her when Kyoshen ran in.

MOre Later! Domo Arigato!

[churchgirl111]

very good. I look forward to reading more of it ^_^

Hi! THankyou for leaving comments..if your interested i wrote more story!
Check it out!

Thanks,
Churchgirl111

[true_noir_chloe]

I made some comments to Kesshin that I think are applicable with you. I told her I think the two of you are at a similar writing level and should chat about writing. You both are also very creative.

Your dialogue is pretty good overall. The action scene needs a little work. I think you should go over to UC's thread on writing action scenes. He gives really good advice for this type of fight scene on his thread. It's just a good read for any writer.

Please keep writing.^_^

[Kesshin]

You think I'm as creative as Churchgirl? Dang it, where's that blushing smiley when you need it? Churchgirl, I'd love to talk to you about writing. ^^ Your story's great, by the way. I really like Chitana. ^^

[churchgirl111]

Kesshin,
I would love to talk to you about writing...I was re-reading my action scenes. Unfortunately, not the greatest...thanks for the advice Chloe I'll look it up!
Kesshin you can pm me or whatever...I look forward to chatting ^_^

[Icarus]

Sorry I did not comment last section. Still swingin', please keep it up.

[Kesshin]

I agree with Icarus, it's "still swingin'".
So, when ya gonna write more?

[churchgirl111]

kk wrote more!!! Sorry it's taking so long between installments but i have to get inspiration...

More!

Chitana slowly opened her eyes and let them adjust to the brightness.

Two concerned eyes popped into view. She sat up, "Kyoshen!"

"Miss Chitana, are you alright?" Kyoshen gave her his hand.

Legs shaking, she took a chance standing. Leaning heavily on him, she let him help her to the mat.

"I'm coming, Miss Chitana!" Ruroki ran in, sword drawn and stopped when he saw the empty room. "Miss Chitana...Kyoshen...," he trailed off.

Shaking his head he sheathed his sword. He gave them a sheepish grin.
Chitana smiled.

"So, any ideas what they were after?" Ruroki leaned against the door frame. Chitana shook her head, "Just a threat. A warning."

"Hmm..." Kyoshen stared off. "What?" Ruroki stood. "Well, why the interest in her? And why follow her?" Kyoshen at Ruroki. "Yes," Ruroki nodded, "it does seem strange."

"They said something." CHitana whispered. "Huh?" both men looked suprised.

"Shurogen or something. When the man saw my amulet he said Shurogen."

"Hmm....Shurogen," Ruroki said," uh...i just remembered i have to meet my contacts. Cya!" He shut the door as he left.

"Are you hurt?" kyoshen pulled out some bandages from his sleeve, "I also carry extra when training."

Chitana shook her head, "Pride's a bit hurt. but that is all."

Kyoshen laughed, "Well let's get something to eat. After all this excitement I'm hungry."

"Always think with your stomach," she smiled, "don't you?"

After stuffing their face, Chitana excused herself to her room. Kyoshen insisted on having guards placed outside her doors, reluctantly she agreed.

Even though night had not yet fallen she wanted sleep. Grabbing her Bible from under her pillow, she turned randomly to a verse.

"If God is for me, who can be against me?"

Dear Lord,
give me strength to stand up to whatever comes next.

With the prayer on her lips, she drifted into dreamless sleep.

[churchgirl111]

MORE!!!

Roruki wrapped his dark red scarf around his face. Hiding his okami ties effectively, he dawned his sword. He wrapped his hands and silently jumped off the balcony.

Shurogen, he hid under a bush as Kyoshen's students passed by, how is she linked to Shurogen?

The sun had just begun to dip under the horizon. Pink and orange clouds dotted the sky. Chitana laid to sleep many hours before.

The sleeping medicine i gave her seems to be working, he smirked. Running, he jumped on the dojo's wall and concealed himself behind trees.

"Going somewhere, Ruroki?" a voice asked.

"Oh..umm" he stumbled as he spotted Kyoshen glaring at him.

"You didn't have to go through the trouble of sneaking around," Kyoshen placed his hand on the hilt of his sword, "you could have just walked through the front door. Besides the fact none of my students could have bested the black wolf of the okami."

Ruroki sighed, "I didn't want you to know i was leaving. I feared that you would try and follow me." He jumped down beside Kyoshen.

"ohh..." Kyoshen raised an eyebrow," and where is this big important place that you don't want me going."

"I'm going to see the ryu-sen clan*," Ruroki stared grimly.

Kyoshen sighed, "It's about what the girl said right?"

Ruroki picked a leaf off a tree. Noticing Kyoshen's look, he tossed it. "I have no choice. That amulet has something to do with you-know-whatm," he glanced around.

Kyoshen shook his head and started walking back into the house. Glancing over his shoulder he yelled, "I understand. Be careful. I hear their new leader isn't quite as friendly as the elders."

Ruroki smiled. He slipped between houses and into the shadows of sunset.

Kyoshen walked back, gazing at the fading sun.

Shurogen. What could Chitana have to do with Shurogen. More importantly, what is the amulet for?

"Sensei! He hit me!" a young boy grabbed Kyoshen's sleeve with tear stained hands.

"Did not! Besides you hit me first!" the other boy stuck out his tongue.

"Alright, alright! Will settle this the hard way. Because both of you hit eachother, you each have an extra hour of practice," Kyoshen gripped the boy's shoulders and handed them off to an assistant instructor.

Kyoshen looked at the new rising moon. Be careful, Ruroki. His wooden sandals padded the ground as he walked inside.

*(Author's note: not sure if ryusen is dragon or not...if anyone knows please correct me!)

MORE LATER!!

[Kesshin]

Good job, Churchgirl! I do have one little bit of advice, though. In this section, it is not always clear who is thinking. Try putting little ' marks around peoples' thoughts, and explain who is thinking them.

[Icarus]

Interesting.

[true_noir_chloe]

This is pretty good. I'm glad I coud finally get on here and let you know I like your story and I'm still reading it. Also, I think Ryu is the name for a dragon. At least when I was watching "Flame of Recca" they kept referring to the dragon as Ryu. So, that's all I have to go on. Good job.

[churchgirl111]

kk sorry bout the confusion writing more now..thanks chloe for suggestions and kesshin for the advice...
as always Love the feedback!! God bless

[churchgirl111]

Ruroki slipped between the shadows of houses. Walking into an alleyway, he waited until the sun dipped behind the horizon.

Wrapping his cloak around his neck, he started towards the woods. A cool breeze blew through his bangs. Reaching the start of the forest, he drew his twin daggers.

He ran. Dodging trees and branches, he manuevered in the sea of trees. He jumped over holes and wires, reaching the ryu clan's fortress.

"Now here comes the fun part," he whispered to himself. Grabbing a pair of hooks, he lassoed the top of the wall and began scaling the wall.

Crounching below the outer wall, he peered overhead. Two guards marched back and forth between the fortresses two towers. Waiting until they passed eachother, he jumped up and knocked their heads together. Cofident they were unconcious he ran to the fortress door.

A bell tolled. "Intruder!" "It's Ruroki!"

Ruroki sighed as he saw the fortress door open, guards poured in. Placing their spears at him, they circled.

Ruroki smirked, "Now there are two options here: I could destroy you all." He eyed the young faces that glared back. He shrugged his shoulders, "or i can peacefully go to your leader." He placed both daggers back in their sheath.

One young boy roughly grabbed Ruroki's shoulder. Ruroki elbowed the lad in the stomach. As the soldier gasped for breath, Ruroki leaned over, "you will treat me with respect, understand?" The group nodded.

They filed respectfully and led him into the fortress doors.

[churchgirl111]

kk more...

Ruroki weaved through the maze of corridors, walls and guards. The guards led him to a vast chamber. Each guard bore a branded dragon on the left arm. Proof of loyalty.

Ruroki spotted a throne where the leader of the ryu clan sat. Th eyoung leader clad in black armor, grabbed the hilt of his sword when he noticed the mark of the okami.

Another man, also wearing black armor, walked to the throne and knelt. "Sir," he began, "this man infiltrated our fortress and-"

The leader motioned for silence. He glared at Ruroki, "What does Ruroki, the silver wolf of the okami, want with the ryu?"

He motioned for Ruroki to come closer, "It puzzles me. Our clans fought many battles against eachother during the Revolution. Much blood was spilt on both accounts."

Ruroki knelt. "Another thing that puzzles me," the leader stood, "is that the second-in-command of the okami would come here so peacefully."

Ruroki shut his eyes as tears threatened to fall, "you have not heard then."

The leader sat," oh and what is that?"

Ruroki looked up, "The true okami clan was slaughtered by one of our own. He betrayed our leader and tainted the clan members. Those loyal died. Including the leader."

The leader shook his head, "I see. My father and the leader were close after the Revolution. Besides the bloody fueds that had taken place. I am sorry for your clan's loss. Who then runs it now?"

"An evil man, whose name i won't utter," Ruroki clenched his teeth, "he is a false leader. I was left as the true leader of the okami. There are a few of us left and we will take back our clan someday."

"Is that the reason you have come here?"

Ruroki bowed his head on the ground, "Sir i need your help in restoring our clan's honorable name. Yes we have shed blood for our ideals. But let us put the past behind us."

The leader nodded, "you have spoken well. It is what the leader of the ryu clan would have wanted, and i assume the same for the old okami leader as well." he rose to leave.

Ruroki smiled, "Sir there is one more matter." The leader stopped and motioned for him to rise, "please call me Hajima."

"Hajima please listen to my story patiently." Ruroki told of what passed with Chitana and their meeting with the ninjas, "and the man had said Shurogen."

Hajima stood, "Shurogen?hm...I think i may know something. I shall send word to you when i recieve more information."

"Arigato. I am staying-"

"I know. At Kyoshen's dojo." Hajima smiled.

Ruroki smirked, "i should have known."
He bowed, wrapped his cloak around his shoulders, and left. The murmuring of the clan rising behind him.

[Kesshin]

Good job, Churchgirl!! Great dialogue, in particular. ^^ I can't find anything particular to give advice about in this installment, so just keep it up.

[churchgirl111]

actually i had written this installment previously and right when i went to submit it...my two year old nephew shut off the computer...completly shut it off...

let's just say i couldn't speak for a while

BANANA!!

thanks kesshin! i'm trying to get inspiration and from what i read in your story it's going good...