NOTE: I request that this thread contain only segments from the 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament. Mods, if you can kindly oblige...
The bracket:
http://christiananime.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=21660
The 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament REDUX
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Page 1 of 1
The 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament REDUX
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
Let's Get this Praty (sic) Started!
James Earl Jones:
They've delivered award winning* coverage of all the major sporting events from the 2004 All-Texas Christian Sports Rumble to the Second Annual CAA Tournament. Now, bringing you special coverage of the Second and a Half Annual CAA Tournament, THIS IS CASN.
(fanfare)
Doubleshadow:
.....Wow. We're lucky that the executives decided to splurge on the new "voice of CASN." Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Doubleshadow. (a fox girl prances onto the chair next to DOUBLESHADOW's. 2XSHADOW looks a bit puzzled.) And with us to-night is... um... who are you?
Vixen Maid:
I'm Vicky the Vixen-Girl Maid! Oh boy do we have some fun things lined up, don't we Double-san?
2XShadow:
^^; Uh, yes indeed.... Vicky. Wh-what are you doing here?
Vicky:
When Elric-san won the Tournament, he won ME as a prize! But all he asked me to do was to give him a 2L bottle of Mountain Dew, and nothing else. I applied for a job at CASN, and here I am now!
2XShadow:
Uh, nice. Well, at any rate folks, welcome to this Special Presentation of the 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament. This is a bit different from other Tourneys since there are only four contestants--after the Preliminaries, the Final Match will be fought. But in addition to the Tournament itself are two special matches, with special prizes.
Vicky:
I haven't had lunch today and I'm feeling a bit light! *giggle*
2XShadow:
Uh... right.
Vicky:
But anyway, the first special match is between Kodai-san and UC-sama!
2XShadow:
That's... Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym, for the otherwise uninformed.
Vicky:
Right, right! After Kodai-san's fight with Psycho Ann-chan in the Second Annual Tournament, there was a lot of CONTREVERSY. Oooooh, contreversy! Kodai-san was stabbed by what looked like Sephiroth, but who could have been UC-sama! Oooooh!
2XShadow:
Many rumors of conspiracies and cheating sprang up soon after. Soon, Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym will duke it out to "put to rest all the doubts surrounding the fateful match" and "kick each others' butts... in love."
Vicky:
And there's that other one, but I'm sooooooo excited, and tooooooo excited about the Tournament, let's get started!
2XShadow:
But Vicky... oh, forget it. Up for the first bracket match is the "evil mastermind" Impact Alberto and the "hopeful romantic allusion-spewer" Kaemmerite!
(Like the previous Tournament, the battles will be in VR, and pain sensation will *seem* real)
Impact Alberto vs. Kaemmerite
Coin Toss Winner: Impact Alberto
Game Mode: Freestyle
Game Environment: The Himalayas
(KAEMMERITE is shivering near the cliff of a mountain)
Kaemmerite:
How did I end up here? Well, I hope to get this over with, cuz I got a pile of English homework I gotta slug through. I mean, through which I need to slug. Bah, English is stupid. At least I have an excuse not to do it now.
(Elsewhere. IMPACT ALBERTO is standing on the shoulder of a giant Mecha. VIN DIESEL is standing next to him. IMPACT does this cool spinning move and makes a "Peace" sign.)
Vin Diesel:
Nice.
Impact Alberto:
Vin, why are you grimacing?
VD:
This is one of my three looks, "Sarcastically impressed." Here are my other two--"Contemplative" (looks exactly the same as the other one) and "Butt kicking mode" (still the same).
Impact:
Once I beat the snot out of that... gentlemen, I'm gonna publish about 500 more random facts about you.
VD:
OK, I now have a fourth one: "Slightly freaked out" (still the same as the other three).
TO BE CONTINUED (because I'm sick and about to collapse)
*CASN has not actually won any awards.
James Earl Jones:
They've delivered award winning* coverage of all the major sporting events from the 2004 All-Texas Christian Sports Rumble to the Second Annual CAA Tournament. Now, bringing you special coverage of the Second and a Half Annual CAA Tournament, THIS IS CASN.
(fanfare)
Doubleshadow:
.....Wow. We're lucky that the executives decided to splurge on the new "voice of CASN." Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm Doubleshadow. (a fox girl prances onto the chair next to DOUBLESHADOW's. 2XSHADOW looks a bit puzzled.) And with us to-night is... um... who are you?
Vixen Maid:
I'm Vicky the Vixen-Girl Maid! Oh boy do we have some fun things lined up, don't we Double-san?
2XShadow:
^^; Uh, yes indeed.... Vicky. Wh-what are you doing here?
Vicky:
When Elric-san won the Tournament, he won ME as a prize! But all he asked me to do was to give him a 2L bottle of Mountain Dew, and nothing else. I applied for a job at CASN, and here I am now!
2XShadow:
Uh, nice. Well, at any rate folks, welcome to this Special Presentation of the 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament. This is a bit different from other Tourneys since there are only four contestants--after the Preliminaries, the Final Match will be fought. But in addition to the Tournament itself are two special matches, with special prizes.
Vicky:
I haven't had lunch today and I'm feeling a bit light! *giggle*
2XShadow:
Uh... right.
Vicky:
But anyway, the first special match is between Kodai-san and UC-sama!
2XShadow:
That's... Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym, for the otherwise uninformed.
Vicky:
Right, right! After Kodai-san's fight with Psycho Ann-chan in the Second Annual Tournament, there was a lot of CONTREVERSY. Oooooh, contreversy! Kodai-san was stabbed by what looked like Sephiroth, but who could have been UC-sama! Oooooh!
2XShadow:
Many rumors of conspiracies and cheating sprang up soon after. Soon, Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym will duke it out to "put to rest all the doubts surrounding the fateful match" and "kick each others' butts... in love."
Vicky:
And there's that other one, but I'm sooooooo excited, and tooooooo excited about the Tournament, let's get started!
2XShadow:
But Vicky... oh, forget it. Up for the first bracket match is the "evil mastermind" Impact Alberto and the "hopeful romantic allusion-spewer" Kaemmerite!
(Like the previous Tournament, the battles will be in VR, and pain sensation will *seem* real)
Impact Alberto vs. Kaemmerite
Coin Toss Winner: Impact Alberto
Game Mode: Freestyle
Game Environment: The Himalayas
(KAEMMERITE is shivering near the cliff of a mountain)
Kaemmerite:
How did I end up here? Well, I hope to get this over with, cuz I got a pile of English homework I gotta slug through. I mean, through which I need to slug. Bah, English is stupid. At least I have an excuse not to do it now.
(Elsewhere. IMPACT ALBERTO is standing on the shoulder of a giant Mecha. VIN DIESEL is standing next to him. IMPACT does this cool spinning move and makes a "Peace" sign.)
Vin Diesel:
Nice.
Impact Alberto:
Vin, why are you grimacing?
VD:
This is one of my three looks, "Sarcastically impressed." Here are my other two--"Contemplative" (looks exactly the same as the other one) and "Butt kicking mode" (still the same).
Impact:
Once I beat the snot out of that... gentlemen, I'm gonna publish about 500 more random facts about you.
VD:
OK, I now have a fourth one: "Slightly freaked out" (still the same as the other three).
TO BE CONTINUED (because I'm sick and about to collapse)
*CASN has not actually won any awards.
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
Impact vs. Kaemmerite, cont'd
Impact Alberto:
There he is!
Vin Diesel:
OK. Time to put my "Butt kicking mode" look on.
Impact:
Ah... great.
(VIN DIESEL takes a giant leap of the giant Mecha and creates a shockwave so powerful that it causes a disturbance in the time-space continuum, killing Richard Simmons, making hundreds of random Americans fatter than ever).
Kaemmerite:
Vin Diesel! Inconceivable!
Vin Diesel:
Yup.
Kaemmerite:
I heard you shot Danish people purely for sport.
VD:
That might be true.
Kaemmerite:
Where's Impact Alberto? I'm supposed to be fighting him.
VD:
He says he wants to look good for his fans, so he didn't wanna rough himself up. But if he steals any of my fans, I'm gonna punch him so hard that his entire extended family will die. Speaking of which, I'm supposed to be killing you right now.
Kaemmerite:
Inconceivable!
VD:
Stop saying that, you're making my head hurt. I don't know how that could happen, since I helped co-edit the entire Bible.
Kaemmerite:
Ugh.
(VIN DIESEL quickly bites off Kaemmerite's ear.)
Kaemmerite:
Agh! Why did you do that?
VD:
I like ear.
(VIN DIESEL chases Kaemmerite around and makes punches so hard that the mountains turn into rubble. KAEMMERITE runs away and screams like a girl)
Kaemmerite:
Save me Jeebus! Jesus, Buddha, Allah, I love you all!
Vicky:
My-oh-my, it looks like Kaemmerite will soon be deaders! Such a shame, and from the looks at the CAA Multiplex, the Kaemmerite fangirls are not pleased.
Mangafanatic:
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! KILL HIM KAE, KILL HIM! GET THAT STUPID IMPACT YEAAAAAAARGGH! (her head explodes)
(Elsewhere (don't ask where), INGEMAR is contemplating... something. In his mind, he hears Kaemmerite praying to all the wrong gods.)
Ingemar:
Uh oh. This looks like we need some quick intervention.
(Back in the battlefield, VD continues pummeling everything while Kaemmerite runs away. Suddenly, TIME STOPS!)
Kaemmerite:
Thank you God!
God:
Don't mention it. I brought someone over to help.
Kaemmerite:
Batman?
God:
No, a hero.
Kaemmerite:
Batman's a hero.
God:
IT'S NOT BATMAN! It's (summons a HOTARU-chan) your darling Hotaru!
Kaemmerite:
Yay!
Hotaru:
You can do it, Kae! You can beat the bad guys.
Kammerite:
Sweet, I know we'll win.
Hotaru:
We? Sorry, but the Author's knowledge of Sailor Moon is extremely limited. I'm just here for moral support.
Kaemmerite:
What?!? Oh well, thanks anyway.
(GOD and HOTARU disappear. Time resumes)
VD:
Time to die, friend.
Kaemmerite:
Ah, you're right. But before I go, I just want to get a close look at you. (He steps in reaaaaaly close to VD)
VD:
Die. (He makes a hook punch for the back of Kaemmerite's head, but Kaemmerite ducks away just in time. VD punches himself instead) AAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Kaemmerite:
I know that the only thing that can scratch Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel, so Sayonara, sucker! (VD collapses.) A WINNER IS ME!
(Suddenly, KAEMMERITE gets flattened by IMPACT's giant MECHA)
Impact:
Not while I have anything to say about it.
Doubleshadow:
Oh, my, gosh! What a sneaky, underhanded deception play. And what a match! Too bad Kaemmerite took his eyes off his opponent. Next up, we will see Capn'Crack take on the famous Mr. Smartypants, and after that, the long-awaited grudge match between Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym. Stick around!
Impact Alberto:
There he is!
Vin Diesel:
OK. Time to put my "Butt kicking mode" look on.
Impact:
Ah... great.
(VIN DIESEL takes a giant leap of the giant Mecha and creates a shockwave so powerful that it causes a disturbance in the time-space continuum, killing Richard Simmons, making hundreds of random Americans fatter than ever).
Kaemmerite:
Vin Diesel! Inconceivable!
Vin Diesel:
Yup.
Kaemmerite:
I heard you shot Danish people purely for sport.
VD:
That might be true.
Kaemmerite:
Where's Impact Alberto? I'm supposed to be fighting him.
VD:
He says he wants to look good for his fans, so he didn't wanna rough himself up. But if he steals any of my fans, I'm gonna punch him so hard that his entire extended family will die. Speaking of which, I'm supposed to be killing you right now.
Kaemmerite:
Inconceivable!
VD:
Stop saying that, you're making my head hurt. I don't know how that could happen, since I helped co-edit the entire Bible.
Kaemmerite:
Ugh.
(VIN DIESEL quickly bites off Kaemmerite's ear.)
Kaemmerite:
Agh! Why did you do that?
VD:
I like ear.
(VIN DIESEL chases Kaemmerite around and makes punches so hard that the mountains turn into rubble. KAEMMERITE runs away and screams like a girl)
Kaemmerite:
Save me Jeebus! Jesus, Buddha, Allah, I love you all!
Vicky:
My-oh-my, it looks like Kaemmerite will soon be deaders! Such a shame, and from the looks at the CAA Multiplex, the Kaemmerite fangirls are not pleased.
Mangafanatic:
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! KILL HIM KAE, KILL HIM! GET THAT STUPID IMPACT YEAAAAAAARGGH! (her head explodes)
(Elsewhere (don't ask where), INGEMAR is contemplating... something. In his mind, he hears Kaemmerite praying to all the wrong gods.)
Ingemar:
Uh oh. This looks like we need some quick intervention.
(Back in the battlefield, VD continues pummeling everything while Kaemmerite runs away. Suddenly, TIME STOPS!)
Kaemmerite:
Thank you God!
God:
Don't mention it. I brought someone over to help.
Kaemmerite:
Batman?
God:
No, a hero.
Kaemmerite:
Batman's a hero.
God:
IT'S NOT BATMAN! It's (summons a HOTARU-chan) your darling Hotaru!
Kaemmerite:
Yay!
Hotaru:
You can do it, Kae! You can beat the bad guys.
Kammerite:
Sweet, I know we'll win.
Hotaru:
We? Sorry, but the Author's knowledge of Sailor Moon is extremely limited. I'm just here for moral support.
Kaemmerite:
What?!? Oh well, thanks anyway.
(GOD and HOTARU disappear. Time resumes)
VD:
Time to die, friend.
Kaemmerite:
Ah, you're right. But before I go, I just want to get a close look at you. (He steps in reaaaaaly close to VD)
VD:
Die. (He makes a hook punch for the back of Kaemmerite's head, but Kaemmerite ducks away just in time. VD punches himself instead) AAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Kaemmerite:
I know that the only thing that can scratch Vin Diesel is Vin Diesel, so Sayonara, sucker! (VD collapses.) A WINNER IS ME!
(Suddenly, KAEMMERITE gets flattened by IMPACT's giant MECHA)
Impact:
Not while I have anything to say about it.
Doubleshadow:
Oh, my, gosh! What a sneaky, underhanded deception play. And what a match! Too bad Kaemmerite took his eyes off his opponent. Next up, we will see Capn'Crack take on the famous Mr. Smartypants, and after that, the long-awaited grudge match between Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym. Stick around!
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
Like I Bleed but Wait like Nothing's Wrong
Vicky:
Fufufu, hiya everypeoples! I'm Vicky, the resident Vixen-maid reporter, and you're watching CASN! My co-anchor Doubleshadow-sempai is on a day trip. Oh, how fun! Tonight we continuesies the 2.5th CAA Tournament with Mr. Smarty Pants (how cute!) against The Captain Crack! I mean, Capn'Crack! Yeah, that sounds better. And after that, we gets to sees Kodai-san duke it out with UC-sama in the GRUDGE MATCH! Yipee!
Shooraijin:
Gaaaaah! Who are you, and what have you done with the entire CASN news staff?!?
Vicky:
Oh Shooby-sensei! Glad you're here. I thought you were doings doctorwork.
Shooraijin:
Yes I was, but I have a contract with CASN. A CONTRACT! Whatever happened to that? (One of the backstage crew tries, as discreetly as possible, to get SHOORAIJIN off the newsdesk) What are you doing? I don't care; just give me something to do. I have a legally binding contract! Where's my agent?
Vicky:
Eirewolf-san is on vacation too!
Shooraijin:
(now with an earpiece and some notes) OK. Uh... (jitteringly) For MSP's and the Capn's match, the game mode will be a special ship combat... yes, yes... (hold his earpiece) Well this is the best I can do on such short notice. All I'm sorry for is that you're all a bunch of jerks who replace me without so much as a phone call or a pink sl---
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! Please pardon our dust. ^_^
Mr. Smarty Pants vs. Capn' Crack
Game mode: Ship to ship combat
Game environment: The Spanish Main
(MR. SMARTY PANTS has a copy of FFVI taped to his head)
MSP:
I'm lucky to have a ship with the Kawaii Kawaii Neko-chan Club* as seamen... women... catgirls... whatever!
Chorus:
Sail into the blue sea, MSP!
Fight until the VICTOLY
Our opponent is bad man
And his breath smells like brine
We have love and serve you
Please enjoy our soju.
MSP:
Soju? No thanks, I don't drink. (pause) Although I wish we had some Korean dramas on board. How does this big hunka junk work?
Chorus:
On the deck is the DANSU PADO
Like in DDR
The player moves to the beat
And the ship responds in
The movement.
MSP:
Sweet. Combining combat with DDR; this should be a cinch.
(CAPN' CRACK is on his own Galleon with hundreds of burly pirates at his command)
National Geographic Narrator dude:
Here we have the Pirates, bloody criminals of the high seas. Piracy has existed for as long as sea travel. As pirates are hostile to every flagship of every nation, pirates' existence have been made illegal throughout all the nations. This has caused pirates to band together and form their own quasi-nation, with hideouts in some pockets of land, but their true home in the wild wine-dark seas. They even have formed their own unique pirate culture and lang-- (one of the pirates slits the narrator's throat, spraying blood all over the camera. The pirate makes a goofy face at the camera).
Capn' Crack:
Arrgh, yargh, gyearrrgh arggh farrhh harrghhh yarrrgh barg! (OK me harties, full sail!)
Pirate 1:
Gyeaarggh harrggh brrraaarghh darrrr! (Set a course, uglies!)
Pirate 2:
Grabbbarrgh narrrgh. (We are in sight of the enemy. Orders?)
Capn' Crack:
Rarrrgh. (That should be fairly obvious. We are pirates; what do you expect we do? Have a tea party? No! Give the landlubbers a full broadside!)
MSP:
OK, I'm on the dance pad. Rika, get the thingy ready!
Chorus:
Which song, Smarty-san?
MSP:
Surprise me. (Dragostea Din Tei plays.) What? This song is way overplayed. Oh well, I guess it will do.
(He dances, causing the ship to move. MSP even adds some Gary Brolsma-like movement)
Chorus:
Oh no! Enemy on the refuto furonto! I mean, port bough! Forgive my poor English.
MSP:
What? Already? OK, we're gonna have to switch to something more industrial-sounding, that should get things the right way. (the catgirls switch the song to some industrial techno hit)
Capn' Crack:
Arrrrggeeeaarrrryarrrghh! (fire!)
(The ships trade shots for about one minute. MSP's DDR-powered boat becomes crippled. CAPN' boards the ship with some pirates).
Chorus:
Oh, ugly men!
Please don't hurt us
We mean no harm
Even though we tried
To kill you earlier.
(One by one, the pirates cut the poor KAWAII KAWAII NEKO-CHAN CLUB catgirls down. CAPN' confronts MSP)
Capn' Crack:
I have you now! Arrrghh, yarrggh, brrarrgh, nyarrrgh! (Men, surround the exits and make sure our Korean drama loving friend doesn't escape!)
MSP:
Oh no! I mean.... I know something you don't know?
Capn' Crack:
Yes?
MSP:
I know Tae Kwon Do. (They fight, and MSP gives a series of flying kicks the CAPN' manages to dodge. All this goes on while the Techno song is still playing. While dodging one of MSP's kicks, CAPN' turns away, causing his sword inadvertently to slice a piece of tape holding the FFVI cartridge to MSP's head. The cartridge falls, and then MSP slowly goes down writhing in pain)
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Capn' Crack:
Ryan, I didn't even--
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Capn' Crack:
R-
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Capn' Crack:
E-
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
(Every time CAPN' moves, MSP screams. The screaming stops as soon as CAPN' stops moving. It's hard to explain, but the screaming stops as abruptly as CAPN's movements do. Try to picture it; I know you can. CAPN' stops for about a minute; as soon as he moves again, MSP screams again.)
Capn'Crack:
Well, I guess I--
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Capn'Crack:
Seriously, SHUT UP!
MSP:
Okay.
*The Kawaii Kawaii Neko-Chan club are a group of Jpop catgirl singers who first made their appearance in Elric vs. Mave match of the Second Annual CAA Tournament
Vicky:
Fufufu, hiya everypeoples! I'm Vicky, the resident Vixen-maid reporter, and you're watching CASN! My co-anchor Doubleshadow-sempai is on a day trip. Oh, how fun! Tonight we continuesies the 2.5th CAA Tournament with Mr. Smarty Pants (how cute!) against The Captain Crack! I mean, Capn'Crack! Yeah, that sounds better. And after that, we gets to sees Kodai-san duke it out with UC-sama in the GRUDGE MATCH! Yipee!
Shooraijin:
Gaaaaah! Who are you, and what have you done with the entire CASN news staff?!?
Vicky:
Oh Shooby-sensei! Glad you're here. I thought you were doings doctorwork.
Shooraijin:
Yes I was, but I have a contract with CASN. A CONTRACT! Whatever happened to that? (One of the backstage crew tries, as discreetly as possible, to get SHOORAIJIN off the newsdesk) What are you doing? I don't care; just give me something to do. I have a legally binding contract! Where's my agent?
Vicky:
Eirewolf-san is on vacation too!
Shooraijin:
(now with an earpiece and some notes) OK. Uh... (jitteringly) For MSP's and the Capn's match, the game mode will be a special ship combat... yes, yes... (hold his earpiece) Well this is the best I can do on such short notice. All I'm sorry for is that you're all a bunch of jerks who replace me without so much as a phone call or a pink sl---
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES! Please pardon our dust. ^_^
Mr. Smarty Pants vs. Capn' Crack
Game mode: Ship to ship combat
Game environment: The Spanish Main
(MR. SMARTY PANTS has a copy of FFVI taped to his head)
MSP:
I'm lucky to have a ship with the Kawaii Kawaii Neko-chan Club* as seamen... women... catgirls... whatever!
Chorus:
Sail into the blue sea, MSP!
Fight until the VICTOLY
Our opponent is bad man
And his breath smells like brine
We have love and serve you
Please enjoy our soju.
MSP:
Soju? No thanks, I don't drink. (pause) Although I wish we had some Korean dramas on board. How does this big hunka junk work?
Chorus:
On the deck is the DANSU PADO
Like in DDR
The player moves to the beat
And the ship responds in
The movement.
MSP:
Sweet. Combining combat with DDR; this should be a cinch.
(CAPN' CRACK is on his own Galleon with hundreds of burly pirates at his command)
National Geographic Narrator dude:
Here we have the Pirates, bloody criminals of the high seas. Piracy has existed for as long as sea travel. As pirates are hostile to every flagship of every nation, pirates' existence have been made illegal throughout all the nations. This has caused pirates to band together and form their own quasi-nation, with hideouts in some pockets of land, but their true home in the wild wine-dark seas. They even have formed their own unique pirate culture and lang-- (one of the pirates slits the narrator's throat, spraying blood all over the camera. The pirate makes a goofy face at the camera).
Capn' Crack:
Arrgh, yargh, gyearrrgh arggh farrhh harrghhh yarrrgh barg! (OK me harties, full sail!)
Pirate 1:
Gyeaarggh harrggh brrraaarghh darrrr! (Set a course, uglies!)
Pirate 2:
Grabbbarrgh narrrgh. (We are in sight of the enemy. Orders?)
Capn' Crack:
Rarrrgh. (That should be fairly obvious. We are pirates; what do you expect we do? Have a tea party? No! Give the landlubbers a full broadside!)
MSP:
OK, I'm on the dance pad. Rika, get the thingy ready!
Chorus:
Which song, Smarty-san?
MSP:
Surprise me. (Dragostea Din Tei plays.) What? This song is way overplayed. Oh well, I guess it will do.
(He dances, causing the ship to move. MSP even adds some Gary Brolsma-like movement)
Chorus:
Oh no! Enemy on the refuto furonto! I mean, port bough! Forgive my poor English.
MSP:
What? Already? OK, we're gonna have to switch to something more industrial-sounding, that should get things the right way. (the catgirls switch the song to some industrial techno hit)
Capn' Crack:
Arrrrggeeeaarrrryarrrghh! (fire!)
(The ships trade shots for about one minute. MSP's DDR-powered boat becomes crippled. CAPN' boards the ship with some pirates).
Chorus:
Oh, ugly men!
Please don't hurt us
We mean no harm
Even though we tried
To kill you earlier.
(One by one, the pirates cut the poor KAWAII KAWAII NEKO-CHAN CLUB catgirls down. CAPN' confronts MSP)
Capn' Crack:
I have you now! Arrrghh, yarrggh, brrarrgh, nyarrrgh! (Men, surround the exits and make sure our Korean drama loving friend doesn't escape!)
MSP:
Oh no! I mean.... I know something you don't know?
Capn' Crack:
Yes?
MSP:
I know Tae Kwon Do. (They fight, and MSP gives a series of flying kicks the CAPN' manages to dodge. All this goes on while the Techno song is still playing. While dodging one of MSP's kicks, CAPN' turns away, causing his sword inadvertently to slice a piece of tape holding the FFVI cartridge to MSP's head. The cartridge falls, and then MSP slowly goes down writhing in pain)
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
Capn' Crack:
Ryan, I didn't even--
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Capn' Crack:
R-
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Capn' Crack:
E-
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
(Every time CAPN' moves, MSP screams. The screaming stops as soon as CAPN' stops moving. It's hard to explain, but the screaming stops as abruptly as CAPN's movements do. Try to picture it; I know you can. CAPN' stops for about a minute; as soon as he moves again, MSP screams again.)
Capn'Crack:
Well, I guess I--
MSP:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Capn'Crack:
Seriously, SHUT UP!
MSP:
Okay.
*The Kawaii Kawaii Neko-Chan club are a group of Jpop catgirl singers who first made their appearance in Elric vs. Mave match of the Second Annual CAA Tournament
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
INTRIGUE
RETRIBUTION
STABBINESS
Vicky:
Fufufufu, everypeoples! Welcome back to the CASN! Once again, it's me, Victoria Kitsune (a.k.a. Vicky!) and we're gonna take a stop in the meadow-trail that is the 2.5th CAA Tournament to watch the "ooh-so-tenseexciting" Grudge Match between cute Ms. Kodai-san and smart n' serious UC-sama!
Shooraijin:
(aside) Aren't foxes supposed to be clever? This one's just plain bubbly. I swear, if she opens her mouth again--
Vicky:
Shooraijin-sensei, you look like you are about to undergo a myocardial infarction*!...
Shooraijin:
!!!!!! (aside) It's like she took the words out of my mouth and complicated them!!!!
Vicky:
...because obviously, not even you can contain your excitement over this match.
Shooraijin:
I uh, gah... well, I uh.. you... you know... I...
Vicky:
(abruptly) OK stop saying words. Months ago Koko-san lost in the Preliminaries (in part) because a Sephiroth mistook her for a pincushion! She thought UC-sama was in on it, but UC continually denies involvement. The whole thing was brushed aside until The Grand Patriarchate of CAA--who delivers Sports Entertainment to you, and paychecks to me--granted Kodai-chan a chance at revenge. Ladies and Gentlemen, I humbly bow as I present to you the Edge of Your Seats. And Shooby-sensei, do take some aspirin!
Shooraijin:
.......................
(Elsewhere)
Kokoro Daisuke's [dad, grandfather, whichever male relative]:
OK, Koko-chan. Remember: keep your guard up, don't take your eyes off your opponent, and mind your sixes. Keep this in mind and I'm sure you'll win it this time. I believe in you ^_^.
Kokoro Daisuke:
I love you too! (RELATIVE exits) Now time to get ready--
Yamamoto:
(almost as if from out of nowhere) Hello Kokoro Daisuke.
KD:
Yaaaaa! What are you doing here?
Yamamoto:
I wish you luck on your upcoming final match. And.... I found this in UC Pseuodnym's diary.
KD:
(incredulous) What?? UC would never draw something like that?
Yamamoto:
Oh, I'm afraid it's been signed... (points to the horridly misspelled signature)
KD:
That [CENSORED]!!!!!!!!
(The BUG from the 2nd Tournament who conquered most of North America is watching from afar)
Bug:
Good. Goooooooooood.
Michael Buffer**:
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Grudge Match between Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym! As you can see, we're doing things a little differently as both our fighters are on the real ring instead of VR arena. The stakes are high tonight folks! The loser tonight shall be beheaded in the ring, and the winner shall keep the head in a giant pickle jar!
(The CROWD gasps)
Michael Buffer:
I'm just kidding. The winner shall receive a crown of gold while the loser will be pilloried in front of the CAA Main Office for all to see. Now, on to the contestants. To my left: standing at... well, you should never ask a lady's weight... the young gal left savagely hurt and embittered by the Preliminary match of the previous tournament, please welcome.... KOKOROOOOOOOOO DAISUKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(KD walks up from the aisle wearing her Kantaro cosplay. As she walks up, some JPop-y music plays. Thousands of fans cheer her including IMPACT ALBERTO, one of the finalists for the Mini Tournament. As she approaches the ring, she removes her Kantaro cosplay (DON'T GET FILTHY IDEAS! She's wearing a boxer's outfit (female) underneath) She looks very angry)
Michael Buffer:
And to my right: standing at a hundred some-odd pounds, the object of Ms. Daisuke's rage, the cool-headed Mennonite moderator, YOOOOOOUUUU--what the!
(UC is already standing on his corner)
UC:
I find all this fanfare tasteless and unnecessary.
Michael Buffer:
Fine then! Ruin my job!
UC:
By all means, continue wasting your breath.
Michael Buffer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU SEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PSEUODNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYM! (applause)
KD:
I can't believe you! First you rig the Tournament so I lose, and now,(pulls out the cartoon) Explain THIS UC!
UC:
(examines the picture) For the last time, I had nothing to do with your loss. Furthermore, I did not draw that caricature.
KD:
Oh yeah? It's clearly signed with your name in the bottom right corner!
UC:
I maintain my innocence. However, given your childish behaviour over the last Tournament, I cannot help but agree that you are quite the "krybaby."
KD:
We'll see who's the crybaby, UC Stankonym. (She tries to come close, but the REFEREE holds her back)
Michael Buffer:
The only rule in this tournament: The first one who surrenders, loses. All right folks, LLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLE!
(KD puts her fists up. UC just stands there. She throws a right hook to UC's jaw. He angles out of the way slightly, but she manages a glancing blow. It doesn't look like it hurts, and UC just stands there. After a short while, he falls down)
KD:
HAHA! I win! UC, you are nothing--
(Suddenly, UC, while on the ground, takes a chomp at KD's right Achilles Tendon. She screams in pain and collapses. UC picks himself up and walks to the referee)
UC:
I give up. I can't take it anymore.
Referee:
Are you sure? But you're doing so well.
UC:
Yes, I know. Give the prize to the other one.
Michael Buffer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't believe it! UC Pseudonym has stepped down after dispatching Kokoro Daisuke in one... bite! (a mix of cheers and boos) UC, why?
UC:
I don't really care who wins or loses this match, because I know I am innocent of all these impeachments.
Michael Buffer:
But... surely! You're going to be pilloried in front of the CAA and humiliated when you could have won.
UC:
Did I really lose, Michael? Yes, being pilloried is kind of embarrasing. But not nearly as embarrasing as winning to a superior fighter who lets you win. Kodai made a fool of herself tonight, but despite that, she will receive the crown of victory. For doing next to nothing. So you see Michael, we both win some, we both lose some. Good game, Kodai.
KD:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! KANTAROOOOOOOOOO!
Kantaro:
Yes, I'm here Kodai-chan!
KD:
Is.... is it really you? ("KANTARO" takes off his hair)
Ingemar:
No, it's not really me. You left your cosplay stuff lying around. I just wanted to mess with you.
* "Myocardial infarction" is the technical term for a heart attack
** Michael Buffer is the guy who says "Let's get ready to rumble" in all the major cable channel fights
LIES
OBFUSCATION
RETRIBUTION
PAYBACK
"THE" GRUDGE
STABBINESS
Vicky:
Fufufufu, everypeoples! Welcome back to the CASN! Once again, it's me, Victoria Kitsune (a.k.a. Vicky!) and we're gonna take a stop in the meadow-trail that is the 2.5th CAA Tournament to watch the "ooh-so-tenseexciting" Grudge Match between cute Ms. Kodai-san and smart n' serious UC-sama!
Shooraijin:
(aside) Aren't foxes supposed to be clever? This one's just plain bubbly. I swear, if she opens her mouth again--
Vicky:
Shooraijin-sensei, you look like you are about to undergo a myocardial infarction*!...
Shooraijin:
!!!!!! (aside) It's like she took the words out of my mouth and complicated them!!!!
Vicky:
...because obviously, not even you can contain your excitement over this match.
Shooraijin:
I uh, gah... well, I uh.. you... you know... I...
Vicky:
(abruptly) OK stop saying words. Months ago Koko-san lost in the Preliminaries (in part) because a Sephiroth mistook her for a pincushion! She thought UC-sama was in on it, but UC continually denies involvement. The whole thing was brushed aside until The Grand Patriarchate of CAA--who delivers Sports Entertainment to you, and paychecks to me--granted Kodai-chan a chance at revenge. Ladies and Gentlemen, I humbly bow as I present to you the Edge of Your Seats. And Shooby-sensei, do take some aspirin!
Shooraijin:
.......................
(Elsewhere)
Kokoro Daisuke's [dad, grandfather, whichever male relative]:
OK, Koko-chan. Remember: keep your guard up, don't take your eyes off your opponent, and mind your sixes. Keep this in mind and I'm sure you'll win it this time. I believe in you ^_^.
Kokoro Daisuke:
I love you too! (RELATIVE exits) Now time to get ready--
Yamamoto:
(almost as if from out of nowhere) Hello Kokoro Daisuke.
KD:
Yaaaaa! What are you doing here?
Yamamoto:
I wish you luck on your upcoming final match. And.... I found this in UC Pseuodnym's diary.
KD:
(incredulous) What?? UC would never draw something like that?
Yamamoto:
Oh, I'm afraid it's been signed... (points to the horridly misspelled signature)
KD:
That [CENSORED]!!!!!!!!
(The BUG from the 2nd Tournament who conquered most of North America is watching from afar)
Bug:
Good. Goooooooooood.
Michael Buffer**:
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Grudge Match between Kokoro Daisuke and UC Pseudonym! As you can see, we're doing things a little differently as both our fighters are on the real ring instead of VR arena. The stakes are high tonight folks! The loser tonight shall be beheaded in the ring, and the winner shall keep the head in a giant pickle jar!
(The CROWD gasps)
Michael Buffer:
I'm just kidding. The winner shall receive a crown of gold while the loser will be pilloried in front of the CAA Main Office for all to see. Now, on to the contestants. To my left: standing at... well, you should never ask a lady's weight... the young gal left savagely hurt and embittered by the Preliminary match of the previous tournament, please welcome.... KOKOROOOOOOOOO DAISUKEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(KD walks up from the aisle wearing her Kantaro cosplay. As she walks up, some JPop-y music plays. Thousands of fans cheer her including IMPACT ALBERTO, one of the finalists for the Mini Tournament. As she approaches the ring, she removes her Kantaro cosplay (DON'T GET FILTHY IDEAS! She's wearing a boxer's outfit (female) underneath) She looks very angry)
Michael Buffer:
And to my right: standing at a hundred some-odd pounds, the object of Ms. Daisuke's rage, the cool-headed Mennonite moderator, YOOOOOOUUUU--what the!
(UC is already standing on his corner)
UC:
I find all this fanfare tasteless and unnecessary.
Michael Buffer:
Fine then! Ruin my job!
UC:
By all means, continue wasting your breath.
Michael Buffer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU SEEEEEEEEEEEEEE PSEUODNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYM! (applause)
KD:
I can't believe you! First you rig the Tournament so I lose, and now,(pulls out the cartoon) Explain THIS UC!
UC:
(examines the picture) For the last time, I had nothing to do with your loss. Furthermore, I did not draw that caricature.
KD:
Oh yeah? It's clearly signed with your name in the bottom right corner!
UC:
I maintain my innocence. However, given your childish behaviour over the last Tournament, I cannot help but agree that you are quite the "krybaby."
KD:
We'll see who's the crybaby, UC Stankonym. (She tries to come close, but the REFEREE holds her back)
Michael Buffer:
The only rule in this tournament: The first one who surrenders, loses. All right folks, LLLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLLE!
(KD puts her fists up. UC just stands there. She throws a right hook to UC's jaw. He angles out of the way slightly, but she manages a glancing blow. It doesn't look like it hurts, and UC just stands there. After a short while, he falls down)
KD:
HAHA! I win! UC, you are nothing--
(Suddenly, UC, while on the ground, takes a chomp at KD's right Achilles Tendon. She screams in pain and collapses. UC picks himself up and walks to the referee)
UC:
I give up. I can't take it anymore.
Referee:
Are you sure? But you're doing so well.
UC:
Yes, I know. Give the prize to the other one.
Michael Buffer:
Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't believe it! UC Pseudonym has stepped down after dispatching Kokoro Daisuke in one... bite! (a mix of cheers and boos) UC, why?
UC:
I don't really care who wins or loses this match, because I know I am innocent of all these impeachments.
Michael Buffer:
But... surely! You're going to be pilloried in front of the CAA and humiliated when you could have won.
UC:
Did I really lose, Michael? Yes, being pilloried is kind of embarrasing. But not nearly as embarrasing as winning to a superior fighter who lets you win. Kodai made a fool of herself tonight, but despite that, she will receive the crown of victory. For doing next to nothing. So you see Michael, we both win some, we both lose some. Good game, Kodai.
KD:
AAAAAAAAAAHHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! KANTAROOOOOOOOOO!
Kantaro:
Yes, I'm here Kodai-chan!
KD:
Is.... is it really you? ("KANTARO" takes off his hair)
Ingemar:
No, it's not really me. You left your cosplay stuff lying around. I just wanted to mess with you.
* "Myocardial infarction" is the technical term for a heart attack
** Michael Buffer is the guy who says "Let's get ready to rumble" in all the major cable channel fights
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
"The" FINAL MATCH!!!! X3
Vicky:
Fufufufufufu! Welcome back wittys! Welcome to lovely Anaheim, just a running distance away from the Happiest Place on Earth! Gosh, I sure am happy today, because this is the big FINAL MATCH between Impact-sama and the Captain. My! And with me is Shooby-sensei... or, should be with me....
(SHOORAIJIN runs in, panting)
Shooraijin:
*gasp* Sorry, I had some unexpected business to attend to at the Hospital, but I came as quickly as possible.
Vicky:
That's OK, doc! We're here outside the glorious Anime Expo (X33333333) to watch these two supermen of CAA beat each other silly! And here to witness this epic are all the legions of anime fans sampling artworks and watching entire serieseses! (pulls LOCKE from out of the crowd) Now sir, how do you feel about this upcoming slugfest?
Locke:
You're from CASN? OMYGOSH YOU ARE! YEAAAAAH! This banner worked! Oh, uh... Tournament. Yeah. Rock on! CAA is LEET!
Vicky:
Thank you! And you um... uh... sir or ma'am?
Inuyasha cosplayer (one of HUNDREDS):
Ma'am.
Vicky:
Ah. Who are you rooting for?
Inu-cosplayer:
Meh, it's AX. Lots of crazy crap happens. But whatever it is, it's all fun. Except maybe Manfaye.
(As she talks, a guy wearing a cardboard box saying "RAMEN" is being chased by a rather mediocre Naruto cosplayer)
Vicky:
(gets KALIGRAPHIC) Are you ready for excitement?
Kaligraphic:
Uh... yeah... *grin*
Sirthinks2much and Mobilesuitpilot:
GO CAA! GO CAA! GO IMPACT! GO CAP'N!!!
(MECHANA runs in)
Mechana:
Hey! I'm sorry I've shirked my duties in the Press for a while, but I'm here to get live sketches of the fight now!
Vicky:
Harumph! Why don't you find something else to do, duty dumper!
Mechana:
Well excuse me, but I do hope you realize my life doesn't revolve solely around this network. I have other important committments!
Vicky:
In that case, you're fired!
Mechana:
You're not my boss! I quit! I don't need to waste my talent on this network anyway!
Vicky:
(composed, pretending nothing happened) Hey hey! Here comes Kokoro-san, fresh from her victory in the Grudge Match with UC-sama! And here's UC, on a pillory just as promised!
(KOKORO DAISUKE is wearing a golden, jewel-studded tiara in addition to her Kantaro cosplay. She also has a cast or some bandages covering her damaged Achilles tendon. She is holding a three dozen roses. UC PSEUDONYM is wearing drab Mennonite attire, of course, in a pillory.)
KD:
Good morning, anime fans! Michael Buffer couldn't be here to announce today. As winner of the CAA's Special Grudge Match, it is my honor to introduce our two finalists today!
UC:
I find this punishment pointless and humiliating.
Locke:
Yeah, but you wanted it this way.
UC:
Oh, yeah. Almost forgot.
KD:
To my right, on a 25-story tall mecha is the amazing, the terrifying, the supercool overlord, my adoptive brother, IMPACT ALBERTO!!!!
(IMPACT flies in on a giant mecha with all the giant mecha accessories: Missiles, Death rays, Shockwave-generating machine, Detatchable arms, power doors, 150,000 year drivetrain warranty, blazing sword....)
I realize that Impact Alberto is the chief proponent of all things Giant Robo on this forum. Yet, I know absolutely nothing about the series. Nevertheless, I wanted to give him something that is at least a little bit cool.
Impact:
Thank you! Thank you! Now, I don't know many of you very well, yet I wanted to say outright that I am against bishounen and everything they stand for!!!! (Crowd boos and throws objects at the Mecha) Hey! I don't mean all anime males, I just mean (they don't listen and the rioting gets worse)
KD:
HEEEEEEEEY! Stop that! I may be little, but the stage is MINE now, and you listen to me! (starts acting nice again) Ahem! On my left is the conservatively-dressed captain of the high seas, the scourge of, um, bad people... Cap'n Crack!
(New toys for the Captain. His is now a 400-foot long hovering battlecruiser (not the Starcraft one; think a Naval ship that is a hovercraft). Ironically, his crew consists of the Kawaii Kawaii Neko-chan Club!)
Cap'nCrack:
Arrrrgh, arrrrgh! I'm sorry my men killed you earlier, but I hope we can put that behind us just for today.
Chorus:
Hai, Taisho-sama!
We bear forgiveness.
The enemy seeks VICTOLY
And so do we!
KD:
And now, let the fighting comme--
(MAN FAYE!!! He jumps in between the behemoth machines)
Manfaye:
Oh yeah! Let's get this train-wreck a rolling! (does a hideous looking dance)
Impact and Cap'n:
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NONONONONONONONO!!!! (They both unload their superweapons on MANFAYE, vaporizing him. The crowd is shocked, but cheers, except for the wierdos who like MANFAYE. And then......... The GRAND PATRIARCHATE OF CAA appears)
GP o' CAA:
I say: Now here this: And furthermore, I declare: that consequently, if the one known as Manfaye loses, everyone wins. Everyone.
(Fireworks go off and mysteriously, party music comes out from nowhere and beach balls, tons of other party-related material. EVERYONE dances. EVERYONE)
The Winner of the 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament: EVERYONE!!! (except Manfaye)
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Yeah, right. Do you think I'd end the fight like that? Come on, give me more credit. This is the first alternate ending, the "unofficial" ending. I'd write more, but I'm about to collapse from fatigue.
Vicky:
Fufufufufufu! Welcome back wittys! Welcome to lovely Anaheim, just a running distance away from the Happiest Place on Earth! Gosh, I sure am happy today, because this is the big FINAL MATCH between Impact-sama and the Captain. My! And with me is Shooby-sensei... or, should be with me....
(SHOORAIJIN runs in, panting)
Shooraijin:
*gasp* Sorry, I had some unexpected business to attend to at the Hospital, but I came as quickly as possible.
Vicky:
That's OK, doc! We're here outside the glorious Anime Expo (X33333333) to watch these two supermen of CAA beat each other silly! And here to witness this epic are all the legions of anime fans sampling artworks and watching entire serieseses! (pulls LOCKE from out of the crowd) Now sir, how do you feel about this upcoming slugfest?
Locke:
You're from CASN? OMYGOSH YOU ARE! YEAAAAAH! This banner worked! Oh, uh... Tournament. Yeah. Rock on! CAA is LEET!
Vicky:
Thank you! And you um... uh... sir or ma'am?
Inuyasha cosplayer (one of HUNDREDS):
Ma'am.
Vicky:
Ah. Who are you rooting for?
Inu-cosplayer:
Meh, it's AX. Lots of crazy crap happens. But whatever it is, it's all fun. Except maybe Manfaye.
(As she talks, a guy wearing a cardboard box saying "RAMEN" is being chased by a rather mediocre Naruto cosplayer)
Vicky:
(gets KALIGRAPHIC) Are you ready for excitement?
Kaligraphic:
Uh... yeah... *grin*
Sirthinks2much and Mobilesuitpilot:
GO CAA! GO CAA! GO IMPACT! GO CAP'N!!!
(MECHANA runs in)
Mechana:
Hey! I'm sorry I've shirked my duties in the Press for a while, but I'm here to get live sketches of the fight now!
Vicky:
Harumph! Why don't you find something else to do, duty dumper!
Mechana:
Well excuse me, but I do hope you realize my life doesn't revolve solely around this network. I have other important committments!
Vicky:
In that case, you're fired!
Mechana:
You're not my boss! I quit! I don't need to waste my talent on this network anyway!
Vicky:
(composed, pretending nothing happened) Hey hey! Here comes Kokoro-san, fresh from her victory in the Grudge Match with UC-sama! And here's UC, on a pillory just as promised!
(KOKORO DAISUKE is wearing a golden, jewel-studded tiara in addition to her Kantaro cosplay. She also has a cast or some bandages covering her damaged Achilles tendon. She is holding a three dozen roses. UC PSEUDONYM is wearing drab Mennonite attire, of course, in a pillory.)
KD:
Good morning, anime fans! Michael Buffer couldn't be here to announce today. As winner of the CAA's Special Grudge Match, it is my honor to introduce our two finalists today!
UC:
I find this punishment pointless and humiliating.
Locke:
Yeah, but you wanted it this way.
UC:
Oh, yeah. Almost forgot.
KD:
To my right, on a 25-story tall mecha is the amazing, the terrifying, the supercool overlord, my adoptive brother, IMPACT ALBERTO!!!!
(IMPACT flies in on a giant mecha with all the giant mecha accessories: Missiles, Death rays, Shockwave-generating machine, Detatchable arms, power doors, 150,000 year drivetrain warranty, blazing sword....)
I realize that Impact Alberto is the chief proponent of all things Giant Robo on this forum. Yet, I know absolutely nothing about the series. Nevertheless, I wanted to give him something that is at least a little bit cool.
Impact:
Thank you! Thank you! Now, I don't know many of you very well, yet I wanted to say outright that I am against bishounen and everything they stand for!!!! (Crowd boos and throws objects at the Mecha) Hey! I don't mean all anime males, I just mean (they don't listen and the rioting gets worse)
KD:
HEEEEEEEEY! Stop that! I may be little, but the stage is MINE now, and you listen to me! (starts acting nice again) Ahem! On my left is the conservatively-dressed captain of the high seas, the scourge of, um, bad people... Cap'n Crack!
(New toys for the Captain. His is now a 400-foot long hovering battlecruiser (not the Starcraft one; think a Naval ship that is a hovercraft). Ironically, his crew consists of the Kawaii Kawaii Neko-chan Club!)
Cap'nCrack:
Arrrrgh, arrrrgh! I'm sorry my men killed you earlier, but I hope we can put that behind us just for today.
Chorus:
Hai, Taisho-sama!
We bear forgiveness.
The enemy seeks VICTOLY
And so do we!
KD:
And now, let the fighting comme--
(MAN FAYE!!! He jumps in between the behemoth machines)
Manfaye:
Oh yeah! Let's get this train-wreck a rolling! (does a hideous looking dance)
Impact and Cap'n:
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! NONONONONONONONO!!!! (They both unload their superweapons on MANFAYE, vaporizing him. The crowd is shocked, but cheers, except for the wierdos who like MANFAYE. And then......... The GRAND PATRIARCHATE OF CAA appears)
GP o' CAA:
I say: Now here this: And furthermore, I declare: that consequently, if the one known as Manfaye loses, everyone wins. Everyone.
(Fireworks go off and mysteriously, party music comes out from nowhere and beach balls, tons of other party-related material. EVERYONE dances. EVERYONE)
The Winner of the 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament: EVERYONE!!! (except Manfaye)
...
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...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Yeah, right. Do you think I'd end the fight like that? Come on, give me more credit. This is the first alternate ending, the "unofficial" ending. I'd write more, but I'm about to collapse from fatigue.
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
The Final Match (cont'd)
(The scenario is just like in the previous segment, except the GRAND PATRIARCHATE does not appear after the vaporization of MANFAYE)
Kokoro Daisuke:
Well!... that was, uh... slightly unexpected. Anyway, let the fighting beginning! May the best man receive fame, fortune, and thousands of glomps!
Impact:
Aye aye, sis. You're going down, human!
Cap'n:
Arrrggh! Not if the Kawaii Kawaii Neko-chan Club has anything to say about it! Full broadside, me harties!
Chorus:
But this is a turret ship.
Cap'n:
*sigh* Whatever. Hit the target with everything we've got!!
(The ship shells and launches missiles at IMPACT's mecha, to no significant effect)
Impact:
YAWN! Is that the best you can do? It's time for you to pay for the temporary incapacitation of Vin Diesel (what, do you think mere mortals can kill him? HA!)
Cap'n:
But that was Kaemmerite's fault!
Impact:
Never you mind! All I know is that I'm gonna reap myself some Catgirl heads and give them to Sis as trophies!
KD:
I'm touched by your consideration but... not by the idea of nine catgirl heads in my room. Bleccchhh.
(IMPACT shoots a barrage of high-powered weapons at CAP'N's ship. It is destroyed, but not before he and the crew deploy emergency escape gear)
Cap'n:
Abandon ship, all ye who're in here!
Chorus:
How sad!
We failed our Taisho-sama
Now he'll go home and cry
If Impact doesn't squish him first.
Cap'n:
This is the end... the end...
Impact:
And now, you die!
Ingemar:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!
Impact:
Huh?
Ingemar:
It's not over. It's NOT OVER!
Cap'n:
What?
Ingemar:
Impact, you already have the Goof Off forum under your thumb and legions of fangirls at your behest. Furthermore, you have a giant mecha of unparalleled offensive power. Must you take away the morsels of dignity that we peons have? Even if it kills me, I won't let Cap'n Crack lose! I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen, and I can't let that happen! Again, I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen, and I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!
Impact:
Suit yourself. If you want to die too, so be it.
KD:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Ingemar:
Whaaaaaaa?!?
KD:
Impact, don't do it! It must be some kind of trap.
Impact:
What do you mean?
KD:
Ingemar, how stupid do you think I am?
Ingemar:
Uh......
KD:
Don't "uhhh" me! You think I have no reason to suspect you? I've been such a fool. I should have known UC had no hand in my loss in the 2nd Annual Tournament.
UC:
Yes, you should have. (KD knocks him unconcious)
KD:
After all, who wrote that little piece of work, Mr. Playwright?
Ingemar:
... (dot dot dot!)
KD:
Seriously, me getting bitten in the Achilles tendon? What kind of an idiotic story maker are you?
Ingemar:
The kind of idiotic storyteller that doesn't take crap from anyone no matter how cute and Hobbitty they look.
KD:
*gasp* How dare you! Your butt is going down.
Ingemar:
Don't give me that tone. You sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind. May I remind you that your leg is disabled?
KD:
I'm no fool. (she removes her cast)
Ingemar:
...what?
KD:
I had a feeling you'd pull another one of your cheap tricks, so I kept my cast on so you'd underestimate me. My injury was a week ago but with new pain medication, I was healed rather quickly.
Author's note: Please suspend disbelief. I doubt such medicine even exists, but I have a story to write for gosh sakes.
Ingemar:
I don't care. (He knocks out two random "samurai" and steals their wooden wakizashis) (These aren't the sticks I'm used to, but what the hey). Let's go, little one!
KD:
Fine!! (She steals a Tetsuaiga from a random Inuyasha cosplayer)
Ingemar:
HYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(Weapons clash, but INGEMAR smashes the Tetsusaiga with his two "sticks")
Ingemar:
Do you think your puny hardened foam will stop me?
Police:
What's going on here?
(KODAI kicks the two police men in the groin, rabbit punches them, and steals their pistols and magazines. She chases after INGEMAR and shoots him, dual pistols style a la John Woo. INGEMAR dives and rolls out of the way, also a la John Woo. This goes on for quite a bit of time until INGEMAR is out of KD's sight)
KD:
Come on, you louse, where are you?
(INGEMAR jumps out from the place he is hiding (???) and whacks KD's wrist with one of his sticks. With the other, he makes an "abaniko" strike to her other wrist, causing her to drop both guns. KD is on her knees now, barely able to put her hands up. INGEMAR crosses his sticks like scissors close to KD's neck)
Ingemar:
Do you see how futile this is? I am a god in this place! (he snaps his fingers, and all the cosplayers bow to him and say "WE LOVE YOU KURONEKO-SAMA!") You see now?
KD:
Ugggghh....
Ingemar:
Now, time to...
Vicky:
Fufufufufufu!!!
Ingemar:
Huh? (aside) I didn't write her into this battle.
(VICKY shoots him with a taser. He collapses)
Impact:
...... are we supposed to be doing something?
Cap'n:
I think so, but then Ingemar stole the stage. What a prima donna.
Impact:
You think we should get back to fighting? (He powers up his weapons)
Cap'n:
You know what... I think I'll kindly pass.
Vicky:
(on a walkie talkie)I have apprehended the target..... Mr. Gates. Fufufufufu!
Bill Gates:
Good, good. Clever girl.
KD:
Does this mean I win?
Vicky:
What the heck, yeah. You win.
IT'S NOT OVER YET! NOT BY A LONGSHOT! Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of the 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament (and yeah, Impact won).
(The scenario is just like in the previous segment, except the GRAND PATRIARCHATE does not appear after the vaporization of MANFAYE)
Kokoro Daisuke:
Well!... that was, uh... slightly unexpected. Anyway, let the fighting beginning! May the best man receive fame, fortune, and thousands of glomps!
Impact:
Aye aye, sis. You're going down, human!
Cap'n:
Arrrggh! Not if the Kawaii Kawaii Neko-chan Club has anything to say about it! Full broadside, me harties!
Chorus:
But this is a turret ship.
Cap'n:
*sigh* Whatever. Hit the target with everything we've got!!
(The ship shells and launches missiles at IMPACT's mecha, to no significant effect)
Impact:
YAWN! Is that the best you can do? It's time for you to pay for the temporary incapacitation of Vin Diesel (what, do you think mere mortals can kill him? HA!)
Cap'n:
But that was Kaemmerite's fault!
Impact:
Never you mind! All I know is that I'm gonna reap myself some Catgirl heads and give them to Sis as trophies!
KD:
I'm touched by your consideration but... not by the idea of nine catgirl heads in my room. Bleccchhh.
(IMPACT shoots a barrage of high-powered weapons at CAP'N's ship. It is destroyed, but not before he and the crew deploy emergency escape gear)
Cap'n:
Abandon ship, all ye who're in here!
Chorus:
How sad!
We failed our Taisho-sama
Now he'll go home and cry
If Impact doesn't squish him first.
Cap'n:
This is the end... the end...
Impact:
And now, you die!
Ingemar:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!
Impact:
Huh?
Ingemar:
It's not over. It's NOT OVER!
Cap'n:
What?
Ingemar:
Impact, you already have the Goof Off forum under your thumb and legions of fangirls at your behest. Furthermore, you have a giant mecha of unparalleled offensive power. Must you take away the morsels of dignity that we peons have? Even if it kills me, I won't let Cap'n Crack lose! I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen, and I can't let that happen! Again, I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen, and I CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN!
Impact:
Suit yourself. If you want to die too, so be it.
KD:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Ingemar:
Whaaaaaaa?!?
KD:
Impact, don't do it! It must be some kind of trap.
Impact:
What do you mean?
KD:
Ingemar, how stupid do you think I am?
Ingemar:
Uh......
KD:
Don't "uhhh" me! You think I have no reason to suspect you? I've been such a fool. I should have known UC had no hand in my loss in the 2nd Annual Tournament.
UC:
Yes, you should have. (KD knocks him unconcious)
KD:
After all, who wrote that little piece of work, Mr. Playwright?
Ingemar:
... (dot dot dot!)
KD:
Seriously, me getting bitten in the Achilles tendon? What kind of an idiotic story maker are you?
Ingemar:
The kind of idiotic storyteller that doesn't take crap from anyone no matter how cute and Hobbitty they look.
KD:
*gasp* How dare you! Your butt is going down.
Ingemar:
Don't give me that tone. You sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind. May I remind you that your leg is disabled?
KD:
I'm no fool. (she removes her cast)
Ingemar:
...what?
KD:
I had a feeling you'd pull another one of your cheap tricks, so I kept my cast on so you'd underestimate me. My injury was a week ago but with new pain medication, I was healed rather quickly.
Author's note: Please suspend disbelief. I doubt such medicine even exists, but I have a story to write for gosh sakes.
Ingemar:
I don't care. (He knocks out two random "samurai" and steals their wooden wakizashis) (These aren't the sticks I'm used to, but what the hey). Let's go, little one!
KD:
Fine!! (She steals a Tetsuaiga from a random Inuyasha cosplayer)
Ingemar:
HYAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
(Weapons clash, but INGEMAR smashes the Tetsusaiga with his two "sticks")
Ingemar:
Do you think your puny hardened foam will stop me?
Police:
What's going on here?
(KODAI kicks the two police men in the groin, rabbit punches them, and steals their pistols and magazines. She chases after INGEMAR and shoots him, dual pistols style a la John Woo. INGEMAR dives and rolls out of the way, also a la John Woo. This goes on for quite a bit of time until INGEMAR is out of KD's sight)
KD:
Come on, you louse, where are you?
(INGEMAR jumps out from the place he is hiding (???) and whacks KD's wrist with one of his sticks. With the other, he makes an "abaniko" strike to her other wrist, causing her to drop both guns. KD is on her knees now, barely able to put her hands up. INGEMAR crosses his sticks like scissors close to KD's neck)
Ingemar:
Do you see how futile this is? I am a god in this place! (he snaps his fingers, and all the cosplayers bow to him and say "WE LOVE YOU KURONEKO-SAMA!") You see now?
KD:
Ugggghh....
Ingemar:
Now, time to...
Vicky:
Fufufufufufu!!!
Ingemar:
Huh? (aside) I didn't write her into this battle.
(VICKY shoots him with a taser. He collapses)
Impact:
...... are we supposed to be doing something?
Cap'n:
I think so, but then Ingemar stole the stage. What a prima donna.
Impact:
You think we should get back to fighting? (He powers up his weapons)
Cap'n:
You know what... I think I'll kindly pass.
Vicky:
(on a walkie talkie)I have apprehended the target..... Mr. Gates. Fufufufufu!
Bill Gates:
Good, good. Clever girl.
KD:
Does this mean I win?
Vicky:
What the heck, yeah. You win.
IT'S NOT OVER YET! NOT BY A LONGSHOT! Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of the 2.5th Annual CAA Tournament (and yeah, Impact won).
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
The Phinal Phantasy
(in a psychidelic, dreamlike state)
The G-man:
Rise and shine, Mr. Ingemar. Rise and, shine. Not that I wish to imply you have been sleeping on, the job. No one is more deserving of a rest. And all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until... ... well, let's just say your hour has, come again. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference, in the world. So, wake up, Mr. Ingemar. Wake up and, smell the ashes.
(GMAN disappears. INGEMAR wakes up in a cramped prison cell with only a small window on the wall and a small viewing hole through the door.)
Ingemar:
Ughh.... where... am I?
Bill Gates:
(through the PA system) I was beginning to think you'd never ask.
Ingemar:
Gates! Drat... but how did you do this to me? And why?
Gates:
"How" is very simple indeed. You were no longer doing your job at CASN so a special... friend... of mine was able to... get things done.
Ingemar:
You mean that vixen?
Gates:
That's right. You should know better, Ingemar. Foxes are never stupid. Vicky is a program I created to breach the security of your writings and take control.
Ingemar:
I should have known. But I didn't. So I didn't know, when I should have, but still I had no way of knowing. I'm confused. OK, and now the "why" aspect?
Gates:
OK, you twisted my arm. I wanted complete power.
Ingemar:
Power?!? You run Microsoft!
Gates:
Yes, yes,.... but I wanted godlike power.
Ingemar:
Then you should have wrote yourself into your own story, you sleaze merchant!!!
Gates:
Bah, no.
Ingemar:
Why not?
Gates:
Because I'm evil. *chuckle* I can't believe I said that.
Ingemar:
I'm not convinced. You went through all that trouble so you could take over my plays?
Gates:
Oh Ingemar, you of all people should know why you greatly upset me.
Ingemar:
... (dot dot dot!)
Gates:
Dense today, are we? How about a little reminder?
(Enter VICKY. She has a lady in a pink kimono handcuffed. It is WINDOWS 95-TAN)
Vicky:
Hello, Ingemar-sempai!
95-tan:
Ingemar-san!
Ingemar:
95-tan! Dammit, you set this up because I married your OS?!?
Gates:
You eloped with my OS! No one steals from Bill Gates, whether it's my newspaper or my outdated relic of a daughter!!!
Ingemar:
You.....But you have other OS's that are on the market. 95-tan is retired; let her live in peace!
Gates:
I'm only keeping you alive so there can be a public execution. I will have your "wife" witness your brutal death and post-mortem mutilation, and then have her DELETED, after I have your head on a pike atop the Tower of London!!! Gyahahahaha!
95-tan:
Ingemaaaaaaaaaar! (VICKY carries her off)
Ingemar:
Nooooooooooo! No!
(Hours later. ING is asleep. He is awakened by a noise on his cell door)
Ingemar:
Who's that?
Voice:
Shhhhhh!
(the door opens. It is SHOORAIJIN, BLKMAGE, EIREWOLF, and LOCKE)
Ingemar:
Hey! It's you! But how did you get in here, and why?
Shooraijin:
Apparently, Bill doesn't have complete control of our minds, like that one time in Days of the Life of CAA when you (you were still St. Peter) nearly killed everyone.
Ingemar:
OK, you can stop with the plugging. How did you get through here?
Blkmage:
Well, we simply (INSERT a bunch of computer jargon I have no idea of). Stupid inferior M$ Technology!
Ingemar:
And why did you come?
Locke:
Because you're cool.
Ingemar:
Really?
Locke:
No, not really.
Eirewolf:
Isn't it obvious? We're here to bring down an evil empire, and we need your help.
Blkmage:
I don't think that will work, miss. This idiot voted for Dubya.
Eirewolf:
No, no... I meant Microsoft.
BlKmage:
Oh..... well, that works too.
Ingemar:
I see... Well, I don't know how I can do that. (And for the record, I will never vote Republican again).
Locke:
Can't you think of something? Anything? If you can make a mask out of a backpack, I'm sure you can beat Bill Gates.
Ingemar:
Yes, I can make crappy cosplay, therefore I can destroy an evil mastermind. The logic is airtight.
Shooraijin:
All right wise guy, seriously... why is Gates off to get you?
Ingemar:
Revenge.
Shooraijin:
Revenge?
Ingemar:
I married 95-tan without his blessing.
Blkmage:
Huh? How can we trust you, huh M$ user?
Locke:
Take it easy, man... sure, 95 has her problems, but at least she's outdated and harmless. And kind of cute.
Ingemar:
How can you trust me? Well, it has been my personal dream to beat Bill Gates in hand-to-hand combat since I was fourteen.
Blkmage:
Hm... good enough. Let's get you out of here.
Eirewolf:
When we're done, can we free my husband?*
Shooraijin:
I think it's best if we kept him on the inside for a little while.
(The five head out through a back exit which leads through a system of tunnels. They follow a bunch of "Exit here" signs. When they exit, they come into an arena. All the AX cosplayers (ie a LOT) and the members of CAA are in there.)
Gates:
How are you, my friends?
Shooraijin:
What?!? But how?
Gates:
I anticipated your infiltration so I arranged to have you come directly to Ingemar's execution.
Ingemar:
You could have just shot me while I was unconscious! Must you make everything needlessly complicated?
Blkmage:
YESSS! YES HE MUST BECAUSE--(the others try to calm him down)
Gates:
I decided to kill two birds with one stone. Or rather, several thousand birds with one new invention of mine. (claps twice) May I present to you Vicky 2.0, a.k.a. Microsoft's newest OS!!!
(A mechanical monstrosity with fox ears and a tail enters the arena with a flaming breath)
Vicky 2.0:
WELCOME. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TODAY?
Gates:
She comes equipped with many weapons of mass destruction, high durability armor, faster performance and improved, safer Internet browsing capability.
Blkmage:
Gaahh! Why am I not surprised, you always have to steal from everyone else, including Mozilla!
Gates:
Silence! Once I have destroyed you, I will also have everyone in the audience killed, because they are witnesses. Afterwards, Vicky 2.0 will be launched, and then I will make it illegal for anyone to use a non-Microsoft computer! Hahahahahaha!
Shooraijin:
But how? We have laws to prevent that kind of thing!
Gates:
Bribery! Why let your money sit around or spend it on incurable diseases or sending aid to kleptocratic governments?! And I believe I'm suppossed to be killing you.
TO BE CONTINUED
(in a psychidelic, dreamlike state)
The G-man:
Rise and shine, Mr. Ingemar. Rise and, shine. Not that I wish to imply you have been sleeping on, the job. No one is more deserving of a rest. And all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until... ... well, let's just say your hour has, come again. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference, in the world. So, wake up, Mr. Ingemar. Wake up and, smell the ashes.
(GMAN disappears. INGEMAR wakes up in a cramped prison cell with only a small window on the wall and a small viewing hole through the door.)
Ingemar:
Ughh.... where... am I?
Bill Gates:
(through the PA system) I was beginning to think you'd never ask.
Ingemar:
Gates! Drat... but how did you do this to me? And why?
Gates:
"How" is very simple indeed. You were no longer doing your job at CASN so a special... friend... of mine was able to... get things done.
Ingemar:
You mean that vixen?
Gates:
That's right. You should know better, Ingemar. Foxes are never stupid. Vicky is a program I created to breach the security of your writings and take control.
Ingemar:
I should have known. But I didn't. So I didn't know, when I should have, but still I had no way of knowing. I'm confused. OK, and now the "why" aspect?
Gates:
OK, you twisted my arm. I wanted complete power.
Ingemar:
Power?!? You run Microsoft!
Gates:
Yes, yes,.... but I wanted godlike power.
Ingemar:
Then you should have wrote yourself into your own story, you sleaze merchant!!!
Gates:
Bah, no.
Ingemar:
Why not?
Gates:
Because I'm evil. *chuckle* I can't believe I said that.
Ingemar:
I'm not convinced. You went through all that trouble so you could take over my plays?
Gates:
Oh Ingemar, you of all people should know why you greatly upset me.
Ingemar:
... (dot dot dot!)
Gates:
Dense today, are we? How about a little reminder?
(Enter VICKY. She has a lady in a pink kimono handcuffed. It is WINDOWS 95-TAN)
Vicky:
Hello, Ingemar-sempai!
95-tan:
Ingemar-san!
Ingemar:
95-tan! Dammit, you set this up because I married your OS?!?
Gates:
You eloped with my OS! No one steals from Bill Gates, whether it's my newspaper or my outdated relic of a daughter!!!
Ingemar:
You.....But you have other OS's that are on the market. 95-tan is retired; let her live in peace!
Gates:
I'm only keeping you alive so there can be a public execution. I will have your "wife" witness your brutal death and post-mortem mutilation, and then have her DELETED, after I have your head on a pike atop the Tower of London!!! Gyahahahaha!
95-tan:
Ingemaaaaaaaaaar! (VICKY carries her off)
Ingemar:
Nooooooooooo! No!
(Hours later. ING is asleep. He is awakened by a noise on his cell door)
Ingemar:
Who's that?
Voice:
Shhhhhh!
(the door opens. It is SHOORAIJIN, BLKMAGE, EIREWOLF, and LOCKE)
Ingemar:
Hey! It's you! But how did you get in here, and why?
Shooraijin:
Apparently, Bill doesn't have complete control of our minds, like that one time in Days of the Life of CAA when you (you were still St. Peter) nearly killed everyone.
Ingemar:
OK, you can stop with the plugging. How did you get through here?
Blkmage:
Well, we simply (INSERT a bunch of computer jargon I have no idea of). Stupid inferior M$ Technology!
Ingemar:
And why did you come?
Locke:
Because you're cool.
Ingemar:
Really?
Locke:
No, not really.
Eirewolf:
Isn't it obvious? We're here to bring down an evil empire, and we need your help.
Blkmage:
I don't think that will work, miss. This idiot voted for Dubya.
Eirewolf:
No, no... I meant Microsoft.
BlKmage:
Oh..... well, that works too.
Ingemar:
I see... Well, I don't know how I can do that. (And for the record, I will never vote Republican again).
Locke:
Can't you think of something? Anything? If you can make a mask out of a backpack, I'm sure you can beat Bill Gates.
Ingemar:
Yes, I can make crappy cosplay, therefore I can destroy an evil mastermind. The logic is airtight.
Shooraijin:
All right wise guy, seriously... why is Gates off to get you?
Ingemar:
Revenge.
Shooraijin:
Revenge?
Ingemar:
I married 95-tan without his blessing.
Blkmage:
Huh? How can we trust you, huh M$ user?
Locke:
Take it easy, man... sure, 95 has her problems, but at least she's outdated and harmless. And kind of cute.
Ingemar:
How can you trust me? Well, it has been my personal dream to beat Bill Gates in hand-to-hand combat since I was fourteen.
Blkmage:
Hm... good enough. Let's get you out of here.
Eirewolf:
When we're done, can we free my husband?*
Shooraijin:
I think it's best if we kept him on the inside for a little while.
(The five head out through a back exit which leads through a system of tunnels. They follow a bunch of "Exit here" signs. When they exit, they come into an arena. All the AX cosplayers (ie a LOT) and the members of CAA are in there.)
Gates:
How are you, my friends?
Shooraijin:
What?!? But how?
Gates:
I anticipated your infiltration so I arranged to have you come directly to Ingemar's execution.
Ingemar:
You could have just shot me while I was unconscious! Must you make everything needlessly complicated?
Blkmage:
YESSS! YES HE MUST BECAUSE--(the others try to calm him down)
Gates:
I decided to kill two birds with one stone. Or rather, several thousand birds with one new invention of mine. (claps twice) May I present to you Vicky 2.0, a.k.a. Microsoft's newest OS!!!
(A mechanical monstrosity with fox ears and a tail enters the arena with a flaming breath)
Vicky 2.0:
WELCOME. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TODAY?
Gates:
She comes equipped with many weapons of mass destruction, high durability armor, faster performance and improved, safer Internet browsing capability.
Blkmage:
Gaahh! Why am I not surprised, you always have to steal from everyone else, including Mozilla!
Gates:
Silence! Once I have destroyed you, I will also have everyone in the audience killed, because they are witnesses. Afterwards, Vicky 2.0 will be launched, and then I will make it illegal for anyone to use a non-Microsoft computer! Hahahahahaha!
Shooraijin:
But how? We have laws to prevent that kind of thing!
Gates:
Bribery! Why let your money sit around or spend it on incurable diseases or sending aid to kleptocratic governments?! And I believe I'm suppossed to be killing you.
TO BE CONTINUED
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
At the Loser's Lounge
Doubleshadow:
I can't believe it! I lost my anchor position to that amalgam of cliches that calls herself Victoria.
Mr. SmartyPants:
Yeah, that stinks.
Kaemmerite:
Technically, Doubleshadow, you're not one of the losers.
Doubleshadow:
I know... but I did lose my job.
MSPants:
Why don't we tune in to CASN?
Kaemmerite:
(pouts) But I wanted to see MST3000.
2xShadow:
Oh, quit whining.
(They tune in: however, the channel is now MSASN)
Vicky:
Fufufufufu! Hi everypeoples! Welcome to this exciting edition of a public execution on Microsoft Anime Sports Network!
2xShadow:
Microsoft? Ohhh, gosh I hate her even MORE now!
Vicky:
With the upcoming death of former CASN anchor Ingemar, Master Gates will unveil my new, baby sister, Windows "ULTIMATE," codenamed Vicky 2.0!!! Gosh! It will be the cornerstone of an even greater, invulnerable empire! I'm sooooooo excited!
2xShadow:
Bill Gates is taking over the world? Tch. Was Ingemar not admonishng me for fretting about something apparently unorginal like that? But I was right. I WAS RIGHT!
Kaemmerite:
Double, your think is creeping us out.
2xShadow:
Wha? Oh, sorry. I guess I should, uh, think quieter.
UC:
Hey guys.
2xShadow:
UC-sama! Did you hear that--
UC:
--CASN was seized by Microsoft, Ingemar was captured, and Windows Ultimate will be forced upon every household under the pain of torture. Old news.
2xShadow:
Ahh.....
UC:
What you probably didn't know was that "Vicky" was a program created in Microsoft to hijack control of various CAA functions. And give really crappy newscasts.
2xShadow:
Is there anything we can do?
UC:
Beats me. Where's the popcorn?
Ingemar vs. Vicky 2.0... the REAL "Phinal Phantasy?"
Vicky 2.0:
TARGET ACQUIRED. READYING ANTIPERSONNEL ROCKETS.
Ingemar:
Rockets?
Shooraijin:
Everyone, get the heck outta here!
(They dive away, slow-mo and John Woo-like away from a rocket barrage)
Ingemar:
Dang, there's no way we can survive against that thing!!
Blkmage:
Don't be so sure. Ingy, can you distract that big ugly thing for a little while?
Ingemar:
Distract it? I AM the thing that it's trying to--watch out! (another rocket barrage)
Blkmage:
Just stay alive, and I'll work something out.
Eirewolf:
Easier said than done.
Locke:
See! I told you the big corporations would kill us one of these days!!!
Ingemar:
You guys, get out of here! (they do so. BLKMAGE, however, hides somewhere and pulls out a laptop) Now what?
(Out of rockets, VICKY 2.0 brings out a chaingun and blasts away. INGEMAR does his best to avoid and duck behind cover. Some of the spectators are killed by the bullets that miss).
Vicky:
Oh! It looks like Ingy-sempai got away this time. But don't worry everypeoples, because the Fox always nabs her prey in the end. It's only a matter of time before--(her microphone is cut off unexpectedly) before.... what the heck?
(She turns around. WINDOWS 95-TAN is holding a katana to her throat)
95-tan:
You! It's because of you that my husband is about to die. I'll never forgive you, and I'll never forgive Father either!
Vicky:
Oh, if it isn't the obsolete one.
95-tan:
SILENCE!
Vicky:
Well, outdated OS's call for outdated technology, like that silly little knife of yours. I'm sorry 95-sempai, (she reveals a red lightsaber) but I can't let even YOU get in the middle of my job. Fufufufufu! (VICKY cuts off 95's katana and then makes two quick, glancing blows to her shoulder and knee. 95 collapses)
95-tan:
Ahhhhhh! (VICKY gets behind her and puts her in a choke hold)
Vicky:
All right, let's hear that little snap! 1...2...3..
(She is interrupted by a gunshot. VICKY has a blank look on her face as we see a bullet hole in the back of her head. Standing behind with the smoking gun is KOKORO DAISUKE)
95-tan:
Kodai-san! You stopped her!
KD:
Yup.
95-tan:
But I thought your wrists were hurt!
KD:
... they still are. Owww... (she drops her gun)
95-tan:
We have to help Ingemar-san!
(Back in the arena, INGEMAR is still dodging projectiles, missiles, firebombs, and all sorts of things like madness)
Ingemar:
Argh!
Vicky 2.0:
AMMUNITION EXHAUSTED.
Ingemar:
Whew.
Vicky 2.0:
ENGAGE WITH MELEE COMBAT.
Ingemar:
Aw, geez!
95-tan:
Ingemar! (she tosses him VICKY's lightsaber)
Ingemar:
The tables have turned, Darkness! Hahahaha! (He swings the saber, but VICKY 2.0 parries with some kind of energy field) Drat!
KD:
It's useless. If that thing can block a lightsaber, what good will my gun do?
(The fight between the two continues until VICKY 2.0 lands a good blow against INGEMAR, sending him flying, and the lightsaber away from him. As VICKY 2.0 comes in and lifts its "hands" for the killer blow, she freezes. A BSOD appears on her display)
Ingemar:
Blue Screen... of Death? (INGEMAR cuts VICKY 2.0's head off)
Blkmage:
Haha! I didn't even have to upload the virus! Microsoft's crappy technology saves the day! I mean...
Ingemar:
We know what you meant. But I'm glad.
Gates:
No, no no no no no NO NO!!!
Ingemar:
BILL! That's the second mistake you made today, staying here when you should have run off like a coward. You're not going anywhere.
(GATES runs away, but with the help of Shoob, Wolf and the others, INGEMAR catches him)
Gates:
What... what are you gonna do? (They head to the ring)
Ingemar:
Something I've wanted to do since ninth grade. But I'm not gonna be cheap and use fancy-pants technology against you. You and I are gonna have an honest to goodness hand-to-hand fight. Are you ready?
Gates:
..n..no--
Ingemar:
Good! Kodai, Miss Grudge Match Champion, will you do the honors?...And Bill, please make this look like a real fight and put your guard up.
KD:
All right, keep it clean, touch fists...and BOX!
(GATES nervously puts his fists up. INGEMAR sends a right cross followed by a flurry of punches which sends GATES down)
KD:
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10! We have a winner! (She raises INGEMAR's fist)
Doubleshadow:
I can't believe it! I lost my anchor position to that amalgam of cliches that calls herself Victoria.
Mr. SmartyPants:
Yeah, that stinks.
Kaemmerite:
Technically, Doubleshadow, you're not one of the losers.
Doubleshadow:
I know... but I did lose my job.
MSPants:
Why don't we tune in to CASN?
Kaemmerite:
(pouts) But I wanted to see MST3000.
2xShadow:
Oh, quit whining.
(They tune in: however, the channel is now MSASN)
Vicky:
Fufufufufu! Hi everypeoples! Welcome to this exciting edition of a public execution on Microsoft Anime Sports Network!
2xShadow:
Microsoft? Ohhh, gosh I hate her even MORE now!
Vicky:
With the upcoming death of former CASN anchor Ingemar, Master Gates will unveil my new, baby sister, Windows "ULTIMATE," codenamed Vicky 2.0!!! Gosh! It will be the cornerstone of an even greater, invulnerable empire! I'm sooooooo excited!
2xShadow:
Bill Gates is taking over the world? Tch. Was Ingemar not admonishng me for fretting about something apparently unorginal like that? But I was right. I WAS RIGHT!
Kaemmerite:
Double, your think is creeping us out.
2xShadow:
Wha? Oh, sorry. I guess I should, uh, think quieter.
UC:
Hey guys.
2xShadow:
UC-sama! Did you hear that--
UC:
--CASN was seized by Microsoft, Ingemar was captured, and Windows Ultimate will be forced upon every household under the pain of torture. Old news.
2xShadow:
Ahh.....
UC:
What you probably didn't know was that "Vicky" was a program created in Microsoft to hijack control of various CAA functions. And give really crappy newscasts.
2xShadow:
Is there anything we can do?
UC:
Beats me. Where's the popcorn?
Ingemar vs. Vicky 2.0... the REAL "Phinal Phantasy?"
Vicky 2.0:
TARGET ACQUIRED. READYING ANTIPERSONNEL ROCKETS.
Ingemar:
Rockets?
Shooraijin:
Everyone, get the heck outta here!
(They dive away, slow-mo and John Woo-like away from a rocket barrage)
Ingemar:
Dang, there's no way we can survive against that thing!!
Blkmage:
Don't be so sure. Ingy, can you distract that big ugly thing for a little while?
Ingemar:
Distract it? I AM the thing that it's trying to--watch out! (another rocket barrage)
Blkmage:
Just stay alive, and I'll work something out.
Eirewolf:
Easier said than done.
Locke:
See! I told you the big corporations would kill us one of these days!!!
Ingemar:
You guys, get out of here! (they do so. BLKMAGE, however, hides somewhere and pulls out a laptop) Now what?
(Out of rockets, VICKY 2.0 brings out a chaingun and blasts away. INGEMAR does his best to avoid and duck behind cover. Some of the spectators are killed by the bullets that miss).
Vicky:
Oh! It looks like Ingy-sempai got away this time. But don't worry everypeoples, because the Fox always nabs her prey in the end. It's only a matter of time before--(her microphone is cut off unexpectedly) before.... what the heck?
(She turns around. WINDOWS 95-TAN is holding a katana to her throat)
95-tan:
You! It's because of you that my husband is about to die. I'll never forgive you, and I'll never forgive Father either!
Vicky:
Oh, if it isn't the obsolete one.
95-tan:
SILENCE!
Vicky:
Well, outdated OS's call for outdated technology, like that silly little knife of yours. I'm sorry 95-sempai, (she reveals a red lightsaber) but I can't let even YOU get in the middle of my job. Fufufufufu! (VICKY cuts off 95's katana and then makes two quick, glancing blows to her shoulder and knee. 95 collapses)
95-tan:
Ahhhhhh! (VICKY gets behind her and puts her in a choke hold)
Vicky:
All right, let's hear that little snap! 1...2...3..
(She is interrupted by a gunshot. VICKY has a blank look on her face as we see a bullet hole in the back of her head. Standing behind with the smoking gun is KOKORO DAISUKE)
95-tan:
Kodai-san! You stopped her!
KD:
Yup.
95-tan:
But I thought your wrists were hurt!
KD:
... they still are. Owww... (she drops her gun)
95-tan:
We have to help Ingemar-san!
(Back in the arena, INGEMAR is still dodging projectiles, missiles, firebombs, and all sorts of things like madness)
Ingemar:
Argh!
Vicky 2.0:
AMMUNITION EXHAUSTED.
Ingemar:
Whew.
Vicky 2.0:
ENGAGE WITH MELEE COMBAT.
Ingemar:
Aw, geez!
95-tan:
Ingemar! (she tosses him VICKY's lightsaber)
Ingemar:
The tables have turned, Darkness! Hahahaha! (He swings the saber, but VICKY 2.0 parries with some kind of energy field) Drat!
KD:
It's useless. If that thing can block a lightsaber, what good will my gun do?
(The fight between the two continues until VICKY 2.0 lands a good blow against INGEMAR, sending him flying, and the lightsaber away from him. As VICKY 2.0 comes in and lifts its "hands" for the killer blow, she freezes. A BSOD appears on her display)
Ingemar:
Blue Screen... of Death? (INGEMAR cuts VICKY 2.0's head off)
Blkmage:
Haha! I didn't even have to upload the virus! Microsoft's crappy technology saves the day! I mean...
Ingemar:
We know what you meant. But I'm glad.
Gates:
No, no no no no no NO NO!!!
Ingemar:
BILL! That's the second mistake you made today, staying here when you should have run off like a coward. You're not going anywhere.
(GATES runs away, but with the help of Shoob, Wolf and the others, INGEMAR catches him)
Gates:
What... what are you gonna do? (They head to the ring)
Ingemar:
Something I've wanted to do since ninth grade. But I'm not gonna be cheap and use fancy-pants technology against you. You and I are gonna have an honest to goodness hand-to-hand fight. Are you ready?
Gates:
..n..no--
Ingemar:
Good! Kodai, Miss Grudge Match Champion, will you do the honors?...And Bill, please make this look like a real fight and put your guard up.
KD:
All right, keep it clean, touch fists...and BOX!
(GATES nervously puts his fists up. INGEMAR sends a right cross followed by a flurry of punches which sends GATES down)
KD:
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10! We have a winner! (She raises INGEMAR's fist)
Job 7:16
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
I loathe my life; I would not live forever. Let me alone, for my days are but a breath.
-
Ingemar - Posts: 2244
- Joined: Sun Mar 28, 2004 12:43 pm
- Location: A Dungeon
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