Pray for me...
PostPosted: Wed Feb 23, 2011 7:27 pm
So, I feel really really selfish for doing this...but I've discovered the wonders of prayer.
in a nutshell: I'm getting...depressed. very depressed. Everything feels like this sometimes, but its gotten really bad... nothing really makes me happy. my usual interests bore me. My grades, which are usually pretty good, are falling, not because of bad school work, but just plain laziness and lack of motivation to do it on time. I'm bordering on failing two classes: AP Lit and Chemistry, and I love lit. The only thing I've been able to do really is draw, and write depressing poetry, watch anime, cry, rinse, repeat. And a couple times, I've seriously considered cutting- but I know what happens to people when they do, so I didnt. I wanted/want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. I don't want to live, and I've had some suicidal thoughts.
Probably the hardest part is nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me that, "No one needs you. No one wants you. Go away. They won't miss you if you leave. or if you just disappear. They always will tell you otherwise, because theyre nice people." Anime-Stereotypical as it sounds, I don't have a 'reason for living.'
I'm stuck in this pre-college rut of "I can't be anything great. I'm only ordinary. That's it. There is nothing more. You'll never be more than this." It doesn't help that I keep getting the feeling that, even though I'm a senior, I'm not meant to lead, though I desperately want to. [spoiler]In my show choir, I've looked forward to being a 'group leader,' at the very least in moral support and seniority control. But a group of juniors stepped in before I had a chance, and whenever I tried to contribute, I got this constant look/ feel of "Go away. You're annoying. That's just plain stupid." behind the 'smiles.' I waited 4 years to do this, and I was able to do nothing to help (the season is about to end). Then I turned to another one of my favorite things: theater. I tried out for the play, I was excited to find out I had a part. But it all turned to bitterness: turns out, I'm essentially a chorus member with a name for relationship purposes. I have no lines. They later added my line. 2 words. Even my freshman sister has more of a part than I do. I didn't expect the lead, but I wanted at least to be a minor character, not chorus. Its a hard hit to the ego when you started theater in 6th grade with a lead role, and are leaving high school with a chorus member background role.[/spoiler] (putting this rant in spoiler in order to save people time.)
And it doesnt help that I keep having 'post-depression flashback-thingies' of last year, and the issue with my druggie friend and my ex. Or that I totaled my car. Or that my parents are mad that I keep slacking when they're preparing to spend lots of money sending me to college.
---
I've talked to my parents about all of this, but I needed to let all this out. Any advice? I realize I'm being extremely selfish, but I'm have a hard time accepting life.
in a nutshell: I'm getting...depressed. very depressed. Everything feels like this sometimes, but its gotten really bad... nothing really makes me happy. my usual interests bore me. My grades, which are usually pretty good, are falling, not because of bad school work, but just plain laziness and lack of motivation to do it on time. I'm bordering on failing two classes: AP Lit and Chemistry, and I love lit. The only thing I've been able to do really is draw, and write depressing poetry, watch anime, cry, rinse, repeat. And a couple times, I've seriously considered cutting- but I know what happens to people when they do, so I didnt. I wanted/want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. I don't want to live, and I've had some suicidal thoughts.
Probably the hardest part is nagging voice in my head that keeps telling me that, "No one needs you. No one wants you. Go away. They won't miss you if you leave. or if you just disappear. They always will tell you otherwise, because theyre nice people." Anime-Stereotypical as it sounds, I don't have a 'reason for living.'
I'm stuck in this pre-college rut of "I can't be anything great. I'm only ordinary. That's it. There is nothing more. You'll never be more than this." It doesn't help that I keep getting the feeling that, even though I'm a senior, I'm not meant to lead, though I desperately want to. [spoiler]In my show choir, I've looked forward to being a 'group leader,' at the very least in moral support and seniority control. But a group of juniors stepped in before I had a chance, and whenever I tried to contribute, I got this constant look/ feel of "Go away. You're annoying. That's just plain stupid." behind the 'smiles.' I waited 4 years to do this, and I was able to do nothing to help (the season is about to end). Then I turned to another one of my favorite things: theater. I tried out for the play, I was excited to find out I had a part. But it all turned to bitterness: turns out, I'm essentially a chorus member with a name for relationship purposes. I have no lines. They later added my line. 2 words. Even my freshman sister has more of a part than I do. I didn't expect the lead, but I wanted at least to be a minor character, not chorus. Its a hard hit to the ego when you started theater in 6th grade with a lead role, and are leaving high school with a chorus member background role.[/spoiler] (putting this rant in spoiler in order to save people time.)
And it doesnt help that I keep having 'post-depression flashback-thingies' of last year, and the issue with my druggie friend and my ex. Or that I totaled my car. Or that my parents are mad that I keep slacking when they're preparing to spend lots of money sending me to college.
---
I've talked to my parents about all of this, but I needed to let all this out. Any advice? I realize I'm being extremely selfish, but I'm have a hard time accepting life.
*hugs back*