A Former Bully

[Atria35]

Well, a few days ago I loggen onto my Facebook page only to notice that one of the guys that made my life in elementary school, to put it nicely, a living hell, had friended me.

I'm really not sure what to do. I thought by now I'd be over it, and for the most part I am - I don't feel a whole lot of anger, but I feel some confusion and a lot of sadness. I was suicidal by the daily hassles that my classmates put me through, so I really don't know what to do about this. Do I confront him about his behaviour and ask why he's friending me? Do I just friend him? Do I ignore him completely?

Please pray that I figure out how to respond to him. Practical advice would also be appreciated!

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Forgive him and move on with your life, but you are by no means forced to maintain that "friendship." The concept of "Friend" on facebook and Myspace has kind of skewed things. If it makes you uncomfortable, he will likely not even notice if you simply ignore his friends request and move on with your life.

Considering I have my facebook locked down very tightly in either case, I consider it my personal responsibility not to broadcast my personal status and information to anyone whom I do not WANT to see it anyway.

[goldenspines]

I'll be praying. That is a fairly tough situation. :\

Depending what you use facebook for (is it for more personal stuff with close friends/family or just for chatting with friends/acquaintances?), that may affect your decision. You do have every right to refuse his request (it is your facebook page, after all), but whether or not you send him a message and what you say if you did is up to you. I hope all goes well. ^_^

EDIT: Also, Etoh said it better and before I did. XD;

[Tsukuyomi]

I'll be praying as well ^^

You can actually PM without friending them back first ^^ I imagine lots of time has passed since then, and people do change ^^ I'd say move on, but if it does linger in your mind, you can always ask him why all the hassle back then.. Or, he may even apologize for all of it himself ^^

[rocklobster]

I'd say ask him why he's even going to the trouble of friending you first. If it's for malicious reasons, then do not even give him a minute of your time.

[Kunoichi]

I'll be praying.

I actually had this situation happen where a former bully who terrorized me for 2 years (I ended up being suicidal, severely depressed, self harm, - you name it) worked for my martial arts studio where I was teaching.

She actually came up to me (this was years later) and apologized. While I would caution you on the trustworthy of this person and I can relate to the brought up emotions, maybe starting at acquaintance relationship and "test the waters" so to speak would be healing in a lot of ways.

Will be praying!

[Etoh*the*Greato]

I'd say ask him why he's even going to the trouble of friending you first. If it's for malicious reasons, then do not even give him a minute of your time.

Most who bullied as children have a tendency to move beyond that as adults. If they have no desire to seek forgiveness for what they did they'll just ignore you entirely and move on with their lives. If this person has gone so far as to attempt to contact her, then I have very strong doubts they're doing it for the sake of pure maliciousness.

[ClosetOtaku]

I've been in a similar situation. It was not quite as adversarial a relationship as yours sounded like, but I was not interested in being a 'friend' when he asked, at least not yet.

Some time later, I met this guy again -- this is literally over 30 years since we were at odds -- and we had a good conversation. He couldn't even recall what the contentious issue was that made us enemies.

However, he never did attempt to "re-friend" me, and that's fine. We move in different circles, live in different areas... no real relationship other than we know each others' names and, at one time, were not friends.

P.S. -- like your Nemu avatar, HR is one of my favorite anime.

[Doubleshadow]

I'll pray. Sometimes they don't even remember as you do, the memories glossed over. That said, some people who got after me I would expect to be well-adjusted adults who regret their actions as kids, and some who were just sick and I wouldn't be surprised if they were now dead.
You are not obligated to renew contact. I have had people who I was neutral with ask to be friends and not responded, simply because I don't feel there's anything we have in common to share or create our friendship bound over.

[steenajack]

Pretty much everything everyone else said. You are not obligated to friend him at all. Hey, I'll be praying okay.

[shooraijin]

I'll pray. Sometimes they don't even remember as you do, the memories glossed over. That said, some people who got after me I would expect to be well-adjusted adults who regret their actions as kids, and some who were just sick and I wouldn't be surprised if they were now dead.
You are not obligated to renew contact. I have had people who I was neutral with ask to be friends and not responded, simply because I don't feel there's anything we have in common to share or create our friendship bound over.

What she said.

I had some people who friended me on Facebook (back when I actually used Facebook) that I would have not regarded as friendly back in the day, but they were beyond it now and I was genuinely interested to see what had happened to them. I'm sure there are pathological people who never got past their own immaturity, but fortunately that seems to be the exception.

[Atria35]

Thanks guys. I feel better knowing that I'm not pressured to contact him- I'm just going to ignore his invite. You're right in saying he probably doesn't really remember me or what he did to me at this point, so it probably doesn't matter much. And while I'm not sure that relieves or depresses me, it does make me feel a lot less stressed about ignoring his request.

Again, thanks for the prayers and advice!

[Kaligraphic]

Yeah, I'd do the same. "What? You want to friend me now? But I don't like you, and don't want to interact with you." *ignore*

[Kunoichi]

Though this may be unrelated...my aunt (who is now a mature Christian and missionary) told me when she was younger she was a horrific bully. To the point where I'm sure she made many lives hell. I think people can change.

I do think though if you feel it won't be healthy for you Atria, than do what is best for YOU.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Thanks guys. I feel better knowing that I'm not pressured to contact him- I'm just going to ignore his invite. You're right in saying he probably doesn't really remember me or what he did to me at this point, so it probably doesn't matter much. And while I'm not sure that relieves or depresses me, it does make me feel a lot less stressed about ignoring his request.

Again, thanks for the prayers and advice!

Unless he is striving very hard for forgiveness (Which seems unlikely, or if he was he could just later attempt to send a message to you and leave it at that) I'm certain he'll not even notice if you just click ignore on his request. Truthfully, most people just treat Facebook like Pokemon - they "capture" people they know by "friending" them. The word "friend" in the context of facebook has little meaning otherwise.

[bkilbour]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vgQalXaIxs&feature=related
Just be careful, take it from Rollins.