CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I know I've bothered a lot of people here. I wish I could make it all right. I'd talk about details, but I think there's too much to say. ANd I'd try to explain, but I'm pretty sure people would just say I'm making excuses. Just seems a lot of people have gotten the wrong idea about me.

I don't even know where to start. I feel terrible about everything. I said a lot of things I shouldn't have. I can tell I got people frustrated with me, and gave the wrong impression of me to a lot of people. I won't try to explain everything, because it'll look like I'm making excuses.I seem to give people the wrong impression a lot. I'm just gonna try to make it as simple as possible, so it's known that I'm not making excuses, just explaining. To put it simply, I have a lot of issues, that build on each other, and feed off each other. It's hard to start at one place. I've been emotionally abused, my whole life. Family making me feel like I'm not good enough, like everything I do is wrong, acting like I'm totally incompetent. Yes, it's something I need to get over, but the point is, it still takes time to get over and heal. Over the years, it's just gotten worse. I've dealt with suicidal depression, for ten years now. I have social anxiety, severe social anxiety, so it's hard to reach out, and try to talk to people. A lot of people I've met, have been mean, yelled at me, abandoned me, without trying to understand anything about me. A lot of people I trusted, disappeared on me, or got sick of me and left. A lot of people I trusted, abandoned me as soon as I opened up to them. I have trust issues, and it's hard to talk to new people. It's easier to talk about negative things, because I'm wired that way, and it'es easier to have people leave sooner than later. Just had a whole lot of personal issues in my life that I'm still struggling to work through, that Satan is still attacking me with. All I want, is friends I can be open with, talk about things with, both the bad things, and the positive things. It's just, people don't give me the time or space I need to open up and be more positive. I've had lots of issues of people getting **** at me, acting like I'm worthless, because I've been abused and need time and space and effort to open up to people. And most people I meet, don't want to be there for me. They don't want to let me talk to them, or give me the time and effort and space I need. A lot of people I've trusted, lied to me, abandoned me, betrayed me. It's hard to trust new people, so it's hard to open up to them and talk. It's all just really complicated, and almost every person I try to help understand, ends up disliking me, or thinks badly of me. All I really want, is friends to talk to, about games, life, everything. I want to talk to them about my life, and I want to hear about those. My anxiety gets in the way, my trust issues get in the way. The history of abuse gets in the way. As far as I can tell, it's become clear some people on this site see only the worst in me, they assume the worst in me. And instead of trying to understand me, they get **** at me and assume the worst in me, try to make me feel worse. I'm not naming namess, and none of the people I'm talking about, know who they are. I posted all those threads, because I thought I could reach out here, and find people to talk to and be friends with. I just needed people to give me time, space, understanding, and effort. That was a mistake, I haven't found that most places, I'm starting to learn I should stop expecting it anywhere.. I know people are gonna assume I'm trying to get people to feel sorry for me (two people have already accused me of that for no reason) but that's not true. I just thought this was a safe place to post and get support, and now I'm not sure if I was right or not. I think it's best if I don't post here anymore. I also wanted t osay, I'm trying to heal. It's just hard when I'm alone in it, and I've kept meeting people who act like I can truyst them, who then betray me and try to make me feel worse, which makes it all worse. It's hard to reach out to new people, and talk about things, especially because most people I try to talk about games and stuff to, they don't talk back to me. I just had my life fall apart a week ago. I can't just magically bounce back from that immediately. I need to rebuild, and I was hoping to make friends who would be patient and understanding, to help me rebuild, and I in turn could help them out. But that takes time, and most of the time, all I hear from people on this site, is about how they can't help me, even before they find out how to help me. I'm scared to try to change, because I'm scared of failing. I'm s cared to reach out to people, because most of the time, people abandon me, or have no interest in knowing me. It's all just really complicated, and too hard to explain. I'm explaining it all to someone else on this board. Maybe someday they'll come along and post it, I don't know. I posted so much here, because I was about to have emotional breakdowns, and IA thought this was a safe place to get my feelings out. Starting to realize that was a mistake made on my part. I thought I could find people wanting to get to know me and talk to me and understand me. I wanted friends who I could talk about positive stuff with and negative stuff with, what's going on in my life. My social anxiety makes it hard to talk about positive stuff, I freak out, worry I'll say the wrong thing, I just can't have conversations like normal people, it takes much more time and effort. I just need time and effort, that most people don't seem to be willing to give. And I want to change, I just can't do it by myself, and it's hard to overcome twenty two years of abuse from almost everyone you've met (not an exaggeration). Especially when you've had a learning disorder, and have been trying different meds, for years, to fight off suicidal depression. My life literally fell apart one week ago. And I've gotten the feeling, from a couple members here (not most of them, just a couple) that since I didn't immediately recover, I'm not worth helping or knowing. I only posted here because I needed to get my emotions out, and I believed this was a safe place. I never meant to bother anyone.

Sorry for all the trouble I caused.

Well Aedin. It's clear that no one has been bothered. So that's not true. Also, did you actualy read what I said in your "Healing" thread? THAT'S the answer to your problems Aedin. Work at forgivness and a lot of your problems will go away. Then again you have to really seriously WANT to get better. And it will take work.

I wish you luck Aedin. May God bless you and keep you.

Dude, don't say you're sorry when you're really not. If you were sorry for bothering people then you would stop doing what you're doing and try to actually start a conversation so that people might get to see a side of you other than this.

Also, stop blaming other people for how crappy your life is. Take some responsibility and stop playing the victim. You're spitting in the faces of everyone that's ever tried to help you when you say that you don't trust anyone and that everyone you've ever known has lied to you. People here have given you plenty of time but you just keep repeating yourself. Most people are going to get tired of listening to that eventually.

All that being said, I hope you can find peace someday.

You were abused? So was Jesus. So have many other people been through emotional abuse, albeit varying degrees.

You are not alone in your pain. You are not the only one who has suffered, no matter how great you think your pain is, there's someone around the corner who's been through just as much as you, perhaps even more.

Jesus was falsely accused of many things, beaten to death, and then was hung on a cross for the "crimes" he committed. But in doing so, it was God's plan that he may serve as an arbiter between us and God.

Why would God care about a miserable race such as ours? Infact, we created our own mess and deserve nothing short of hell. But it is because he created us and loves us so. There is absolutely nothing that can separate you from God's Love.

I tell you, God knows about your pain. He sees you everyday in agony. And it pains him to see these things. He wants you to grow strong and to serve him. We all do here.

What you can do to start is to forgive those who have wronged you. God forgave us, even though we didn't deserve it, and Jesus forgave those who persecuted him. So then, we must forgive those who have wronged us. I bet you may start to feel better after you let go off all the hatred and other feelings surrounding those people. It won't matter anymore. What's done is done, and there is no use focusing your conscious thoughts upon this any longer.

There are wonderful people out there.

May God bless you as you strive to become a better person. I have prayed for you.

Aedin wrote: As far as I can tell, it's become clear some people on this site see only the worst in me, they assume the worst in me. And instead of trying to understand me, they get **** at me and assume the worst in me, try to make me feel worse. I'm not naming namess, and none of the people I'm talking about, know who they are. I posted all those threads, because I thought I could reach out here, and find people to talk to and be friends with. I just needed people to give me time, space, understanding, and effort.

Speaking for myself personally, it's hard to come to concrete conclusions about people online, considering you only see a small part of their much larger personality. Therefore, I encourage you to not think that everyone on the site dislikes you. You can think that, there is nothing stopping you from thinking that. There is a certain level of trust you have to put in us before we can put any in you.
Thus far, since you joined as a member, many people have given you time, space, understanding, and effort (just look at all the posts in your threads, trying to help you and encourage you). Granted, yes, some people haven't given you the time of day, but that is NOT everyone.
But even now, even as you have dismissed all those wonderful people who posted in your thread's posts, some of them are still being patient with you. You must understand that they are in the same position as you. They have a hard time trusting someone who won't even listen or care about what they post.

You are free to take this post however you like, but I hope you will trust me, even if it's just a little, when I say that I care about you and I wish the very best for you. I know from a long period of time in my life that living in a world where I can't trust anyone (or refuse to because they can and will hurt me, or so I believed) is a frightening and torturing place to be.

I have read everyone's posts in my threads. I may not have acknowledged it, but I didn't know it would be assumed I ignored this. It's just, this is a work in progress. A major work in progress, that will take a very longe time, and lots of efforts. I no longer feel like most people will be willing to stick with me and talk to me and help me as I make these changesand try to hearl.


And Shiroi, it's pretty clear you have no interest in understanding a single thing about me, or my situation, and that you just want to twist everything I say to make me look like a horrible person. The fact is, most people I"ve trusted have abandoned me, betrayed me. How am I not supposed to have trust issues after that? Especially when it's been going on my entire life? Stop asuming everything about me when you know nothing about me, and clearly won't try to understand a thing about me. It doesn't make you better than me. Most people I PM, when I try to talk about cheerier stuff, don't PM me back. And clearly, you want me to believe everything is my fault, and everyone else is perfect, how is that gonna help me feel better? I wanted to try to start conversations about other things. People like you, and the fact that my life fell apart a week ago, and I haven't fully healed yet, make that really really hard. Let alone my social anxiety. Sorry the fact that I need to talk about things more than once, is such a huge personal burden and inconvenience to you.

Goldenspines, I haven't dismissed anyone. There's just been lots of times on this site, I saw other people get hurt, or ignored, or I was hurt or ignored, or people didn't try to understand them, or me, and then judged us. It's caused me severe trust with most people on this site, because I have no idea who to trust here. I've tried talking to a couple people on this site, who seemed nice, who said I could talk to them, who just ended up railing at me and trying to make me feel and sound like a horrible person. It's hard to recover from that, you can't just bounce back, and I was trying to take my time and slowly work through it so I don't get overwhelmed. I was trying to slowly make friends here. But like Shiroi implied, apparently the fact that my life fell apart a week ago, and I need time to heal and trust, and haven't been able to do those yet, means I'm some kind of bad person or something. I don't even know anymore. Apparently needing to reach out to people as part of my healing, and letting my feelings out so I don't break down and kill myself, is such a huge burden to people. All I wanted was people to talk about games and anime and life with, and who wouldn't abandon me when I'm upset and need to talk about serious stuff too. Maybe I didn't do a good enough job explaining this, but I don't want to be the guy who only talks about his issues. I don't want to be a downer. I want to change. I hate myself. I want to talk about games, and anime, and books. I've been shy my whole life, and my social anxiety makes it really hard to talk about normal stuff. I've met a lot of people who seemed nice, who we could talk about normal stuff. But as soon as I mentioned I was upset, they freaked out at me, or left. It makes it hard to reach out to people, to listen to people. It makes hard to trust. I hope some people will be willing to put up with me and help me. I hate myself, and I really do want to change. Also, most of the abuse, has been in showing me how I don't matter, how nothing I do matters, nothing I do means anything. So most of the time it's hard to feel like I effect anyone.

And for anyone who was truly interested, I have apologized to my ex. I apologized to her many times. She has apologized to me. We both realized we both had fundamental issues that would ruin the kind of relationship we wanted, and we're hoping to be able to stay close friends.

I won't post in this section again.

Have you every thought about the people that you have hurt for cussing them out? There was people that tired to help you, but when they gave you the truth, you went off on them. Have you really thought about that or do you feel that you have your reasons for it. Sorry, but you need to take responsible for actions in life as well as here at the board.

If a person wants friends, you don't go cussing at them, when they have something to say, even if it hurts. They are telling you truth on what that person needs to do to fix things.

Aedin wrote:it's pretty clear you have no interest in understanding a single thing about me, or my situation, and that you just want to twist everything

No, your doing that by yourself and showing people here that you twist it around us and put the blame on us in your threads.

Have you really stop to think about others that have it harder then you in life. It doesn't show it since you came in 2008, it has been blame my family, blame friends that I don't trust, blame on us for not reply to your threads.

If you go back and look at them, just about 90% of your threads, it has been that and I know for a fact that people have got to know you, you keep bring up the bad stuff in your life to them. You have to really move on and forget the past.

There is a lot of people that had crap happen to them and they really in a way, have a good reason to be bitter at the world and blame everyone for what they had to deal with, but they don't. Because they know that would show a lack of trust and respect in God.

I know that I could have been bitter for having a bad heart and then getting hiv/aids from the blood transfusing, when I had my open heart surgery.

But where would it get me. Would anyone really want to be around me, if I blame everyone for what happen to me? It is not fair to anyone to put blame on them for something that couldn't be control. Stuff happens and we can take the easy way out and blame everyone and God for it and use it to make us strong and a better person. It would also be a dis-justice to God for bring me into this world and carrying out his plan that he has set for me.

When people look to fault others, they are only looking at their self about it and God has always wanted us to look out for others.

"As selfishness and complaint pervert the mind, so love with its joy clears and sharpens the vision."

A lot of us believe that people can change and fix things, but when you want to put faults and blame on others, then it shows that you are going to keep holding it in and not want to change. You have been here since 2008 and it is now two years and you still keep doing the same talk in these threads, by now, you had good info by what people have reply to and yet, you show no changes in your ways. At this point, we can't do anything about that, that is up to you to fix it and thinking that having friends is just going to help in fixing you is not the best idea. You have to man up and be strong and trust God and fix these problems yourself.

I pray that you do find peace in your life and that you become a better person from the problems that you had in your life.

[color="Red"]Col. Roy Mustang[/color]

You know Aedin, Whatever your problems are don't seek forgiveness from Man but turn to God and He will help you. I think some people have had hard times me included and all of us don't always represent ourselves the right way. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't forgive you.

if you have done any wrong towards me for my Part I say I forgive you and if you want I would like to be friends and you can PM me anytime for advice or just to talk

Aedin (post: 1423929) wrote:And Shiroi, it's pretty clear you have no interest in understanding a single thing about me, or my situation, and that you just want to twist everything I say to make me look like a horrible person... Stop asuming everything about me when you know nothing about me, and clearly won't try to understand a thing about me. It doesn't make you better than me.

How dare you. These people on this forum have done nothing but be nice to you and try to help you. You've yet to return the favor and have done nothing but focus on you, yourself and your issues. You've expected everyone to care about your problems and expected everyone to babytalk you into feeling better. How dare you snap at anyone. You've proven it yourself by your own reaction. You aren't truly sorry for anything, you're just trying to throw another pity party for yourself.

I honestly am starting to think you're just here to troll. How many prayer threads have you made about yourself and your issues? How many prayer threads that other people have made have you responded to? You complain about people not responding to your PMs yet you've yet to respond to mine. You respond to every post that someone has spent time and effort on to help you with a "yeah, you're right, BUT".

You're fortunate these people have the patience to deal with you. You're VERY fortunate that you haven't been shredded to pieces or completely ignored like most other forums would do. Or heck, even banned you. Yet you dare insult them?

I honestly don't care if this post is deleted but I at least want you to read it and I'd like to commend the people who have spent time and effort to help someone who makes no effort himself and have had a great deal of patience and kindness towards someone who does not return the favor. You certainly go beyond any effort I would have given and I do not want to see anyone of you insulted.

I haven't twisted anything or tried to balme anyone who hasn't done anything. A long time ago, I learned the only one who cared about me, was me. So sometimes I'm a bit self=-centered, yes. I've grown up in a family where everyone thinks everything's a big joke, or blames everyone else for their own problems. I am not that guy. Most of the people who got to know me, betrayed me, ended up being hateful people and hurting me, and when I tried to talk about it and clear it all up, they just yelled at me more.

What you quoted, Shiroi has never talked to me, she doesn't know a thing about me. She assumes everything about me based off of nothing. I'm trying to change. It's just hard when I'm my own worst enemy and I have noone to truly help me. I do have reason to blame others for things. I also have a lot of spiritual issues, and I don't see how ignoring other people's responsibility, and blaming everything on myself, is gonna help at all. And I blame myself more than anyone else. Just because noone here has ever bothered to see it, doesn't mean it isn't true. And I only cussed at people, when they treated me like **** out of nowhere, but nooone's ever cared about that part. They even admitted they shouldn't have treated me that way. But all anyone cares about is what I did wrong. I also like how noone seems to care about how others hurt me, they only care what I did wrong. I'm trying to get over the past, it's just hard when I have no idea how to, and noone will help me figure out how to. And I'm sick of everyone acting like I'm a bad person.

Exactly what Roy said Aedin. Forgive them, and stop blaming them. YOUR past is YOUR own.

Shiro wrote:Also, stop blaming other people for how crappy your life is. Take some responsibility and stop playing the victim. You're spitting in the faces of everyone that's ever tried to help you when you say that you don't trust anyone and that everyone you've ever known has lied to you. People here have given you plenty of time but you just keep repeating yourself. Most people are going to get tired of listening to that eventually.

She's right Aedin. You say the same stuff in almost every post.

How much they've hurt you
How much you hurt
How mean your family was/is to you
How you feel liike dying
etc...

This has to stop somewhere Aedin. Think about it. Just think.
How can you ever get better if your always complaining about it?

For example.
You have a job washing dishes. How much work can you do if you complain about having to wash the dishes? Little to None. How much progress will you make if you chin up and stop being frustrated about the fact that you have dishes? A lot.
Think of the "dishes" as your emotional baggage Aedin. You need to quit complaining about how many "dishes" you have and you need to start "cleaning" (aka Getting over) those "dishes."

All you're doing right now is complaining about all the dishes you have to wash. Quit complaining Aedin and start washing.
I'm just giving you tough love Aedin. The fact that I'm willing to tell it to you straight Aedin means that I actually care.

CrimsonRyu17 (post: 1423943) wrote:How dare you. These people on this forum have done nothing but be nice to you and try to help you. You've yet to return the favor and have done nothing but focus on you, yourself and your issues. You've expected everyone to care about your problems and expected everyone to babytalk you into feeling better. How dare you snap at anyone. You've proven it yourself by your own reaction. You aren't truly sorry for anything, you're just trying to throw another pity party for yourself.

I honestly am starting to think you're just here to troll. How many prayer threads have you made about yourself and your issues? How many prayer threads that other people have made have you responded to? You complain about people not responding to your PMs yet you've yet to respond to mine. You respond to every post that someone has spent time and effort on to help you with a "yeah, you're right, BUT".

You're fortunate these people have the patience to deal with you. You're VERY fortunate that you haven't been shredded to pieces or completely ignored like most other forums would do. Or heck, even banned you. Yet you dare insult them?

I honestly don't care if this post is deleted but I at least want you to read it and I'd like to commend the people who have spent time and effort to help someone who makes no effort himself and have had a great deal of patience and kindness towards someone who does not return the favor. You certainly go beyond any effort I would have given and I do not want to see anyone of you insulted.

You ignored me all the time on yahoo. Where do you get to judge? And she insulted me first, but noone cares about that. YOu don't know what I do off this site, you don't know what's going on with me. I spend every day trying to focus on not killing myself. Yet it's such a huge problem I have anxiety over messaging people. You don't know a thing about what I've expected, or wanted. Noone has, you've all just assumed everything. Youv'e all just assumed you can't help me, or that I need to see counselors, when I've already seen counselors, and when all I want is people to share with, and for them to share with me. Some of the people here haven't been nearly as nice you think. Most of the time, people on this forum have only ignored me, or tried to make me feel worse about myself, when I'm already suicidal, for no reason. I'm supposed to be grateful for that? I didn't insult anyone. And even if I did, they insulted me first, but noone cares about that. You don't know the effort I've made to help myself. You don't know a thing about me. Yet you judge me. You say you don't want to see anyone insulted, yet you don't care when I'm insulted, but you care when I don't even insult anyone.

I should've expected a Christian website, of all places, to not understand you don't heal instantly. That anxiety times to work through and get over. I should've expected a Christian website to believe that since you take time and effort to do things, you're worthless. I should've expected a Christian website to think you're worthless because you're stuck, confused, spiritually attacked all the time, and have no idea what to do.

you sound like me I have the same problems I am here for you Aedin

TGJesusfreak (post: 1423947) wrote:Exactly what Roy said Aedin. Forgive them, and stop blaming them. YOUR past is YOUR own.



She's right Aedin. You say the same stuff in almost every post.

How much they've hurt you
How much you hurt
How mean your family was/is to you
How you feel liike dying
etc...

This has to stop somewhere Aedin. Think about it. Just think.
How can you ever get better if your always complaining about it?

For example.
You have a job washing dishes. How much work can you do if you complain about having to wash the dishes? Little to None. How much progress will you make if you chin up and stop being frustrated about the fact that you have dishes? A lot.
Think of the "dishes" as your emotional baggage Aedin. You need to quit complaining about how many "dishes" you have and you need to start "cleaning" (aka Getting over) those "dishes."

All you're doing right now is complaining about all the dishes you have to wash. Quit complaining Aedin and start washing.
I'm just giving you tough love Aedin. The fact that I'm willing to tell it to you straight Aedin means that I actually care.

I say that stuff over and over, because every day, I'd wake up struggling not to kill myself. I'd wake up struggling to not believe God doesn't care in the least about me. And I was stupid to believe letting my emotions out would help, I was stupid enough to believe this was a safe place, that would be understanding and let me do what I had to do to heal, so I can get to a better place and be more able to talk about happier things. Now I know that this site just wants you to hold everything in until you burst and try to kill yourself. Also, I've met people who I talked about happy things with. And as soon as I trusted them, and needed to talk about things that were bothering me, they bailed on me. Of course I'm paranoid, of course I have trust issues. LIfe's lead me to believe as soon as I open up everyone's gonna abandon me.

Aedin (post: 1423951) wrote:I say that stuff over and over, because every day, I'd wake up struggling not to kill myself. I'd wake up struggling to not believe God doesn't care in the least about me. And I was stupid to believe letting my emotions out would help, I was stupid enough to believe this was a safe place, that would be understanding and let me do what I had to do to heal, so I can get to a better place and be more able to talk about happier things. Now I know that this site just wants you to hold everything in until you burst and try to kill yourself.

You know what? Talking about how terrible you feel everyday wont help you AT ALL. That's what KEEPING you feeling like this. If all you think about is suicide and all of the sad stuff. how will you EVER get over it? Answer this question Aedin. How.

You're doing it AGAIN. blaming it on others.
Now you're blaming the CAAers. They are NOT to blame for how you feel. I want to be your friend Aedin. But you wont even let me. What kinda friend spits in the face of EVERYONE who gives them tough love? I hate to say it, but the reason you don't have friends, is because you're not a friend back! You constantly spit in their faces as they try, in earnest, to help you. Try actually BEING a friend back to them and you'll have friends.

Quit dweling in your bitterness of the past and look to the furture and God.

Sorry if I seem a bit peeved right now. I just realy really don't appriciate you spitting in the faces of my friends and fellow members. I'm friends with a great many of the people in this thread. INCLUDING Roy and Goldy. They are VERY decent and upstanding people. they are not cruel at all. They are VERY caring Aedin. The only difference is Aedin, is that I am a friend back to them.

Forgive EVERYONE in your past. otherwise you'll have only bitterness. Bitterness leads to a lack of love. No love means nothing to give to the people who want to be your friends. ONLY GOD CAN GIVE YOU LOVE.

Aedin (post: 1423949) wrote:You ignored me all the time on yahoo. Where do you get to judge?

I did NOT ignore you on Yahoo, that is total bull. I told you I was playing my game. I even talked to you about my game WHILE I was playing my game. Then there were other times where my status clearly said AFK and I'd come back to see your IM that you sent while I was AFK but you already logged. Seriously, you're going to try to pull the guilt-trip on me? It doesn't work.

Can you respond to something without talking about your issues? Can you do that ONCE? And Shiroi isn't trying to make you look like a bad person, she's just telling it like it is. You're doing a well enough job of that yourself.

If you honestly want to change, then quit blaming everything you do or feel on everyone else. You are your own person, take responsibility of your actions and change your attitude. It does not take years nor does it take a hundred excuses to change. Only you can change yourself.

If you don't want to change then quit wasting these people's time. If you do, then step up and take responsibility. You're not the only person here with a history of abuse and I don't see anyone else acting the way you do.

Don't respond to my post with a wall of excuses or blaming other people about your issues. I think we've all had enough of that.

I thought this was the prayer requests forum. Not argue about the validity of our problems forum. Might want to use it for it's purpose.

If you honestly want to change, then quit blaming everything you do or feel on everyone else. You are your own person, take responsibility of your actions and change your attitude. It does not take years nor does it take a hundred excuses to change. Only you can change yourself.

Exactly.

And so you know Aedin. I don't hate you AT ALL. I love you like a brother. I'm praying that you can see the truth, because at this time, only God can help you.

TGJesusfreak (post: 1423953) wrote:You know what? Talking about how terrible you feel everyday wont help you AT ALL. That's what KEEPING you feeling like this. If all you think about is suicide and all of the sad stuff. how will you EVER get over it? Answer this question Aedin. How.

You're doing it AGAIN. blaming it on others.
Now you're blaming the CAAers. They are NOT to blame for how you feel. I want to be your friend Aedin. But you wont even let me. What kinda friend spits in the face of EVERYONE who gives them tough love? I hate to say it, but the reason you don't have friends, is because you're not a friend back! You constantly spit in their faces as they try, in earnest, to help you. Try actually BEING a friend back to them and you'll have friends.

Quit dweling in your bitterness of the past and look to the furture and God.

Sorry if I seem a bit peeved right now. I just realy really don't appriciate you spitting in the faces of my friends and fellow members. I'm friends with a great many of the people in this thread. INCLUDING Roy and Goldy. They are VERY decent and upstanding people. they are not cruel at all. They are VERY caring Aedin. The only difference is Aedin, is that I am a friend back to them.

Forgive EVERYONE in your past. otherwise you'll have only bitterness. Bitterness leads to a lack of love. No love means nothing to give to the people who want to be your friends. ONLY GOD CAN GIVE YOU LOVE.

That's not what I'm seeing. ANd there's a way of giving tough love, without trying to make people feel worse. ANd this is why I have trust issues. Shiroi gets sarcastic and hurtful, for no reason, I stand up for myself, and I'm the one that gets railed at. How am I supposed to trust anyone when I keep meeting people like this.

I blame myself more than I've ever blamed anyone else. Except people on this site, if you hold them accountable, and try to fix your major issue of hating yourself, they just rail at you. I love how everyone here barely knows me, and when I try to get to know them and be myself, they push me away, yet they assume every aspect of my life. Theye ignore how I've helped people off of the site, they ignore how I've talked people out of suicide. Yet as soon as I need help too, I"m a horrible person and shunned.

That's not standing up for yourself. That blaming other people again. Standing up and saying "It's all their fault" doesn't help YOU now does it? I'm trying to help you.
and you never answered my question.

Talking about how terrible you feel everyday wont help you AT ALL. That's what KEEPING you feeling like this. If all you think about is suicide and all of the sad stuff. how will you EVER get over it? Answer this question Aedin. How.

I already know the answer Aedin.

At least this place has shown me when you need understanding, are severely depressed and suicidal, Christians are the worst people to be around or look to help from.

Aedin (post: 1423960) wrote:That's not what I'm seeing. ANd there's a way of giving tough love, without trying to make people feel worse. ANd this is why I have trust issues. Shiroi gets sarcastic and hurtful, for no reason, I stand up for myself, and I'm the one that gets railed at. How am I supposed to trust anyone when I keep meeting people like this.

If you honestly think her post was sarcastic and hurtful, you obviously haven't seen much.

Aedin (post: 1423961) wrote:I love how everyone here barely knows me, and when I try to get to know them and be myself, they push me away, yet they assume every aspect of my life. Theye ignore how I've helped people off of the site, they ignore how I've talked people out of suicide. Yet as soon as I need help too, I"m a horrible person and shunned.

I suggest looking back on your hundreds of prayer threads and looking through those again because you clearly forgot about all those posts trying to help you.

Aedin (post: 1423963) wrote:At least this place has shown me when you need understanding, are severely depressed and suicidal, Christians are the worst people to be around or look to help from.

No. It just goes to show that this forum doesn't put up with hundreds of pity parties. Don't even try to pull that guilt-trip.

Have you ever stopped and taken a good look at what you've gotten out of all your relationships? It's exactly what you yourself have put into them. You want people to trust and care about you, you have to give it to them as well.

I got your PM. If you want so badly to talk about anime, movies, music and so on, then by all means do it!

It's hard to rmemeber the positive when I'm having the negative shoved in my face again and again. When I keep seeing people say they can't help me, when all I've wanted is to truly get to know other people.

I also love how so many people here, rather than just being patient and understanding with me, wanting to help clear up misunderstandings, are so quick to judge and condemn me just because I'm not perfect and screw up a lot. And because I'm slow and misunderstand things a lot.

K. Ayato (post: 1423965) wrote:Have you ever stopped and taken a good look at what you've gotten out of all your relationships? It's exactly what you yourself have put into them. You want people to trust and care about you, you have to give it to them as well.

I got your PM. If you want so badly to talk about anime, movies, music and so on, then by all means do it!

It's not that easy when I'm still struggling with suicide, and am still deathly afraid of trying to communicate with people on a personal, positive level, and I always have to be affraid of being yelled at as soon as I do something wrong.

I need patience, understanding, people who will stay by me, and let be myself. People who will do things with me, play games with me, but also let me talk about things I need to talk about. So far all I see, from a few of you (not all of you) is judgment and condemnation because I'm not perfect, need tim to heal, am different, and I misunderstand things a lot. I need friends who I don't have to be afraid of being yelled at by them because I'm upset, or I mess up, or I misunderstand something. Everything I say, everytime I share my feelings, it's twisted to make it look like I blame everyone else for everything, or I think I'm perfect, when none of you know me enough to know if any of that is even true. You see one small part of me, that was also twisted because I've been going through suicidal depression, fighting suicide every day, and having my life fall apart. I can't just heal instantly when I'm struggling to not give up and kill myself. It was a mistake to come here, I'm clearly just gonna cause more issues no matter what I do, and I know none of you believe anything I say, but I am sorry.

Aedin wrote:I blame myself more than I've ever blamed anyone else. Except people on this site, if you hold them accountable, and try to fix your major issue of hating yourself, they just rail at you. I love how everyone here barely knows me, and when I try to get to know them and be myself, they push me away, yet they assume every aspect of my life. Theye ignore how I've helped people off of the site, they ignore how I've talked people out of suicide. Yet as soon as I need help too, I"m a horrible person and shunned.

once again a false statment. you're just blaming CAAers on your lack of ability to accept help.

People ARE trying to help Aedin! Don'tsay they're not. You just don't like the advice they're giving. Almost all of what has been said is true. Instead of thinking they're so mean why don't you actually apply what they've advised?

At least this place has shown me when you need understanding, are severely depressed and suicidal, Christians are the worst people to be around or look to help from.

once again your spitting in our faces. It's ok though, I've lready forgiven you.

The fact is YOU don't want to accept their help. It's not that they're not helpful, you just wont accept it and change. I'm prett mich done with trying to help you. Because you downright refuse to accept it! To say that we all hate you is to say that none of us are your friends. This is why you have no friends Aedin.

You wont LET them help you. You just want them to baby you. Actions speak louder than words. You can say "that's not true" but your actions speak for themselves.

It's hard to rmemeber the positive when I'm having the negative shoved in my face again and again. When I keep seeing people say they can't help me, when all I've wanted is to truly get to know other people.

I also love how so many people here, rather than just being patient and understanding with me, wanting to help clear up misunderstandings, are so quick to judge and condemn me just because I'm not perfect and screw up a lot. And because I'm slow and misunderstand things a lot.

Once again, blaming CAAers for your stuborness in accepting help.

Someone gives you help and you shove it back and ask for help. ACCPET THE HELP and you wont have to keep asking for it! And everytime we talk about something else BUT the negative YOU'RE the one who brings it up again.

Like in my PM I asked you wh at fun stuff you'd been doing and the first thing you say is something sad and negative. How is that our fault? That's all you Aedin.

Aedin wrote:Shiroi gets sarcastic and hurtful, for no reason, I stand up for myself, and I'm the one that gets railed at. How am I supposed to trust anyone when I keep meeting people like this.

Really, and what about the people that pm and haven't said a word to you and you said hurtful things to them right off the bat.

And I only cussed at people, when they treated me like **** out of nowhere, but nooone's ever cared about that part.

Doesn't make it right, does it? And how is telling you the truth, even if it was blunt truth a right to go cuss them out. Have you thought about it on why were ban from the chat, because you cuss at users in it?

What about the time that you sent me that hateful pm and told me that my life story was crap? Do you know how it made me feel? But I take it that is okay, since your always the victim in life.

And saying that no one has talk to you.

They have replied to your threads and pm. But why keep taking if your going to say hateful things to them just because they tell you the truth.

Also about no one talking to you or ignore you. You never made no effort to actually be a community member. It has just been nothing but threads after threads like this over and over again.

Have you taken the time to put any effort to be a member here and if you wanted to talk about anime, video games and stuff, then why didn't you do that, even in the chat. But you never did and only said the same stuff that he have said here in these threads.

You can take this post as you wish, but why I saying is blunt truth and not to be mean. If you wish to take it that way, that is your problem and not mine.

This is the last thing that I will say in this thread as I know that it will be turn around like it always does and the blame will go to me, so whatever.

Like I said, I wish you luck and pray that you get over your problems, but I also pray that your heart will be full of love and not blame to others.

[font="Book Antiqua"][color="Red"]Col. Roy Mustang[/color][/font]

TGJesusfreak (post: 1423969) wrote:Once again, blaming CAAers for your stuborness in accepting help.

Someone gives you help and you shove it back and ask for help. ACCPET THE HELP and you wont have to keep asking for it! And everytime we talk about something else BUT the negative YOU'RE the one who brings it up again.

Like in my PM I asked you wh at fun stuff you'd been doing and the first thing you say is something sad and negative. How is that our fault? That's all you Aedin.

This is an example of why I'm afraid to talk to people. Because as soon as I need to talk about something, something bad happens.

And it's hard to accept help, when people keep phrasing things in wasy that make me feel like ****. I'm not blaming anyone, that's just how it is. I just need patience, and clearly I'm not gonna get it here. I need someone I can talk about positive and negative things with. I thought that could be you. It isn't you. You think I don't know it's all my fault? I keep saying I blame myself for everything, but noone listens. The problem is, I also hold other people keep accountable, and people twist that into me blaming everything on everyone else. Why is it so much to ask for patience and understanding?

And once again. This past week, my life has been falling apart, everything I trusted in and hoped in, fell apart. Why is noone understanding of that? All I want, that will help me, is someone who will be willing to talk to me about positive stuff, but also be patient with me, when I need to talk about negative stuff. I haven't seen anyone offer that.