Life is dragging me down...

[silent-wings]

I really don't know where to begin there's so much going on.

I was writing in my sketchbook a few weeks ago and I realized I haven't felt truly happy for some time now. I've been excited about some things, but nothing like a waking up and feeling good day after day. I haven't felt that way in about 2 years, and it been worse because of all of the stress.

Most of it is actually getting angry with my mom. She's been really strange lately. I think she's in menopause, but it shouldn't be this bad! She's dreaming up things and thinks they actually happened. Then she says things like the house is bugged, "they" are listening. ("They" as in the govt.) The house ISN'T bugged or anything like that! I can't bear this anymore... I know this sound like something that would never happen, but it is.

My youth leader and dad told me to brush it off, but how can I? I'm around her each day until I'm out on my own. I've prayed and prayed for months and then stopped 'cause I didn't want to worry about it anymore so I left it in God's hands. The results? I have seen no improvement in my mom's condition, in fact it's worse. There is no doubt that God is still in my life. He's blessed me so much I feel bad that my faith has basically hit rock bottom again. ;_; God wants me back in my old routine again I know it because it hurts when I think about it. I feel held back because of how unworthy I feel and because of how much sin I've buried myself in. I can't remember the last time I asked Him from my heart to forgive me of my sins, so you can imagine the pile… I know I can come up to Him as I am, but how can I when I feel so numb to everything? My motivation to pray or even pick up my Bible is like zero. I feel like I'm being spiritually and emotionally attacked in my house. I feel so much better at school...

Besides feeling worthless in my faith I've felt like I'm not going to amount to anything in life. I need to start looking for colleges, but I have no clue what I want to do. I'd really like to make art for a living, but I don't know if it'll bring enough money in. =( I've thought about dropping all of my harder classes next semester to get a job too.

I also feel like I'm never going to have boyfriend. I see couples in the hallway at school and think to myself "What's wrong with me?". I'm not skinny, but I'm not that big either. I feel so insignificant and puny compared to everyone. I don't have much of a social life either. I feel like I'm trapped. I considered throwing my life away a few times, but I immediately dismissed the idea afterward because know it's wrong. I just want things to be better; it's my senior year of high school.

Any prayers (for me and my mom) or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[sdzero]

It sounds like you are really having a rough time with your mother. Your mother seems to be going through something as well. If she is seriously starting to get paranoid ideas like that, I suggest she should seek help. Besides...the government could not afford to watch her in this economy. But seriously, if she gets any worse call for help. I have been in situation like that once and it is not fun. I will pray for her.

Now as for you, I really like your art! It has a jazzy feel to it, kinda Bebop like. Keep up the good work! As for school, just finish it, get the diploma and be done with it. I know it is not as easy as that, but you are going to need that diploma. I can not comment on relationships, due to the fact that I have never been in one. But I will say that you are not worthless at all. You sound like a strong person with burning heart and a lions spirit! So AWESOME and STRONG!!! Keep that fire burning brightly and the lord will show you the way, as he has shown me! I will pray that you will shine brighter and for things to get better.

[Anystazya]

I really wish I could tell you something useful, from my own experience, but...I'm so unsure. I'd strongly encourage you to pray, and pray, and pray some more. God can use those prayers. You can go on praying for months, even years, without seeing any results in what you're praying for, and then, out of the blue, it is answered. God will work like that sometimes. The power of prayer is amazing. Faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains =)

Try not to hold things in too much...that isn't really good for you. I know that very well. I never used to have somebody I could talk to about my troubles, until I became an emotional wreck and poured it all out at once. It wasn't a happy time. If you don't have an actual person to talk to that you trust enough, journals can be useful as well. Just as long as you don't keep it all bottled inside. Oh, and tell God about it too. Yeah, he already knows about what you're going through, but tell him about it. Don't just say, yeah, God, help my mom with this problem, and help me with my faith...you should tell Him. Because He wants to have a relationship with you, and that will only come by speaking and listening to Him. He wants to know His child, and He wants His child to know Him. His arms are always wide open. And heck, they have a lot of room to hold ya. He created the entire universe, didn't He? ^^ He's that big. And think, this big guy cares about me (well, you, but you get what I'm saying...), and He wants a relationship with His sons and daughters, despite knowing every little sin they've done.

As for getting a boyfriend, don't worry too much. My big sis is in her second year of university, and she's never dated. I don't expect myself to date until...at least until I'm out of the house...I don't know the social pressures of where you live, because things kinda go different in my small town than in many other places, but, hey, ask God about it.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Prov 3:5-6

I like the Proverbs. And the Psalms as well...I don't think you have to read a lot of chapters at a time (although this is good if you have the motivation), not when you're feeling like it would be so totally boring, but if you have a minute, flip open your Bible, and read a verse, or something like that...I do that =)

Anyways. Sorry for going on so long-probably really boring stuff...just wrote down what came to mind... Just, don't give up on Him. Because He wants to help you. No matter how far you may seem from Him, He's still your Father, and loves you immensely-more than you can ever possibly know.

Edit: Wow yeah that got long...

[Chrysolite]

I can't imagine what that must be like. I'm very sorry you're having to go through it, but as long as you don't let it break you, it'll make you stronger and it'll leave you with an incredible testimony. I can't offer sound advice on how to cope with your mother, but whatever you do, don't stop praying for her. Pray as long as it takes, and don't let yourself fall away from your Bible, either. Think of this as an endurance test. If you can get through it, you'll know for the rest of your life just how strong you are. One thing I can definitely say for sure is, don't worry about the boyfriend thing. Just don't. Trust me. I'm 20 and I've never been on a date. Whenever I tell this to younger girls they freak out and look at me like there's something wrong with me, but I'm glad I'm not in a relationship yet. Why? Because I haven't met the guy God wants me to marry yet, and when God decides it's time I want to meet that guy and be able to tell him that he's the only one I've ever been with. I'm not saying you shouldn't date until you're ready to get married, but it's unwise, even dangerous to get in a relationship when you're spiritually or emotionally unstable. It's likely to fall apart under the pressure and then you'll feel even more worthless and depressed. Focus on your relationship with God and your mother right now. The last thing you need is a love life to worry about when you're in this fragile state. If you feel like you need a boyfriend because you need someone to support and comfort you, turn to God and your brothers and sisters in Christ for that. Romantic Love is a beautiful thing, but it needs to happen naturally in God's timing. Don't feel pressured to have a relationship, or you may end up ruining the wonderful plan God has for you. Trust me, whoever God has in mind for you is worth the wait!

This may sound stupid to some, but I don't think you should worry about college, either. Think about it, yes, but don't worry about it. College is great for people who know what they want to do and have a plan for how to do it, but it's not for everyone. If after serious thought and prayer you feel like it's the right thing to do, go for it! But I don't think you should go out of some unwritten obligation to society or the stereotype that 'good kids go to college'. I'm reminded of a funny song called 'College Kids' by Relient K. The whole song is a rant about how lame the college experience was for one guy, and he finishes with this statement, "Do what will make you/God happy, do what you feel is right, but only one thing matters: learn how to live your life."

[Roz]

I would STRONGLY encourage your Mom to go see someone about what she is experiencing. I don't think that it's something to be brushed off at all.

Hang in there. I will pray for you.

[Ryupower]

I'll pray for you. Who cares if you don't have a boyfriend? Believe me, relationships are overrated. They're way more stress than they're worth most of the time, considering that most break up anyways. One could say "yeah but at least I have that experience in my life". Yeah. Right. Like one really needs it after all the psychological effort invested to help getting over things that are all residue from that "experience". Friends, on the other hand, are important. :/

The thing with your mom is stressful and I sure know how it is when one gives up control and lets God worry with it without much result. I had that happen, too, and it's frustrating. That makes one wonder though, have I really "taken it off my mind and given God?". Also, nothing's going to improve if you don't repent. Things will most likely get worse. Repent for your sin, and repent from the indifference, too. If you truely want to get rid of it God will take it off you.

xoxo -CK

[danceljoy]

Go somewhere that nobody will hear you, talk to God with loudly with your eyes shut prostrate on the ground. I understand the 0 motivation, that's why you need to boost yourself with spirit, like cheerleading...

Boyfriends? It's not wrong to daydream. Set up a high standard- when guys don't date you, it's their loss. Where would they find a one of a kind Christian girlfriend such as yourself? I got 2 suitors but I keep turning them down because they're so immature. True love comes at the best time

praying...