Troubled friend + lending money

[Mave]

Alright, I have a friend who studied in the same college as I did and we attended the same youth Christian college group. She is a believer and is in circumstances which we generally classify as troubled.

Recently, she moved to Singapore to explore better job options and at that time, she was staying with a friend called Angela. Both of them were staying at Angela's grandmother's place temporarily.

I'm generally OK with her as a friend although she has been borrowing money from me and has the tendency of dropping emergency notices on me. What I mean by the latter: The last time she borrowed money from me, she called me 5 times in a row on my cellphone and asks for $700 on the very same day (her mother needed a cataract operation). I'm complied out of mercy eventhough I was already stressed out from work.

Ok, yesterday's events has me even more troubled than ever. First, the night before, she calls me at 1 a.m. but I was already asleep. The next day, I try to call her back but the phone won't connect. For rest of the day, I get myself a total of 18 missed calls (half on my cell phone and another half on my office). I was out of the office working in the lab and when I got back, I tried to call back and it won't connect. At this point, I'm VERY irritated and I'm cursing under my breath. I seriously HATE it when ppl barge into my life and demand me to make time for them on a random basis. It's not that I'm not flexible but I tend to have very hectic work schedules.

I finally connect with her yesterday evening and she was crying on the phone. Basically, she tells me that she's homeless as she has moved out from the place she was staying at. I kinda figured that something went wrong between her and her friend (e.g. she got thrown out of the home).

When I met her for dinner yesterday, her eyes were swollen and all. I ask her what happened and she confesses what she has done. First, she deals with lesbianism and Angela, her friend, is the person she is in love with. She got close to her, with the intentions of bringing her to the Lord but ended up misleading her by impersonating God. Don't ask me what she means by the latter. However, I think she's successfully misrepresented the Christian faith and we now have one less person who has a good opinion of Christians (or more, if you count Angela's family members). Anyway, Angela's parents find out and as you can imagine, things turn ugly.

And now she is homeless, wandering around....My friend is feeling terribly guilty and regrets her actions to the point of considering suicide. She contemplated jumping off a building last evening but didn't do it because she was afraid. She is an only child and her mum who is quite old and traditional/conservative, does not know about her alternative sexual attraction.

She asks to borrow some more money from me (she owes me an accumulative amount of $1300 to-date), asks me to pray for her and promises to pay me back in November. I don't know how she is going to do that since she's so emotionally unstable and can't even focus on basic needs like food, shelter and a job. She's planning to move back to Malaysia and the job scenario is not any better.

I'm VERY conflicted within myself.

Was I wrong to lent her money? Or is it Christ-like to help your fellow Christian in trouble?

Should I rebuke her or should I encourage and comfort her in regards to her actions?

Should I hold my distance because I don't want her to fall in love with me or should I check on her because she has no support system?

Should I be worried that she will never pay me back and I'll be a fool to have lent her that much or should I have faith in the Lord that He'll take care and provide for me?

How do I know that I'm not being taken advantage of? Where do I draw the line of mercy and compassion?

URGH. This is adding to my stress level and I wish God wouldn't allow this to happen to me. This is testing my faith because God knows I've always been rather attached to money (I generally have a hard time tithing). But, anyway.....the point of this post is to PLEASE pray for my friend that she will fix up her life according to God's way. Please pray that I'll deal with this situation properly as well because I'm a bit lost.

Thank you for reading up to this point. Advice? Words of encouragement? Prayers? Thanks in advance!

[Tenshi no Ai]

Was it wrong for you to led her money? Of course not. You didn't know how the situation would play out and just wanted to help out a friend. Between me and saving up money I usually have enough to spare if people ask me and need it (like my boyfriend who is rather poor between minimum wage, now having to pay room and board at home, paying for gas/car insurance, and so forth).
In your case though, I can see how difficult the situation is.... Really not sure what else to say except that I'll be praying...

[USSRGirl]

After reading your post, Mave, I really think you might need to put some distance between yourself and your friend. I'm very sympathetic towards lending people money without questions as Christians should, but when it becomes the 5th, 6th, 7th time you've done it and the situation does not look hopeful, you really need to draw the line. Don't cut her off, just distance yourself so she won't become a stumbling block to you and your faith. Rather than lending her anymore money, try to help her get a job over in Singapore or refer her to local churches and organizations that can help with both her mental issues and her money issues. You know the old saying "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you feed him for life?" Yeah. You were not wrong to give her money and you did the right thing, but I just don't see (given from what you've told me about the situation) that continuing to support her will do any good for either of you. There are many other charities and people who could use your generosity.

Pray on it, read the Bible, and see if God reveals anything to you in the matter, but there's my opinion for what it's worth. I'll be praying for the situation too.

-Temmy

[AsianBlossom]

I wish I could offer advice, but at the moment, all I can say is that I'll be praying.

[Pinecone Tortoi]

Oh wow, that's one big problemo you've got there.

My first thought is that your friend needs all the help she can get - financial, emotional, spiritual... but I realise you don't want to get so close to her that you become a stumbling block for her or vice versa. Perhaps getting other people in on the scene would help with that so it's not just you she feels attached to? Other people might also be able to help with the financial/job guidance/shelter/food burdens. Like USSRGirl said - there's organisations and churches who are set up to handle situations like this.

I agree you shouldn't cut her off, but I also think that being the only person involved could lead to more emotional attachment than is healthy. There's a time where you may have to let go because there's nothing more you can (or should) do, but it doesn't sound like that time has come yet. As for the money - well, money (like all our possessions/lives/selves) - belongs to God, not us, so it's His directions for spending it that we need to follow. A lot of verses leap to mind about giving without expectation of repayment, giving on all occasions and generally giving wherever there's a need. We're not to worry about making fools of ourselves (being what the world regards as idealistic - it's basically in the Christian job description) but at the same time, we're not to be foolish (stupid) with our money by making ourselves dependent - we're to give as we are able. Like I said, I think sharing these burdens with others is the way to go. It can protect you from the financial and spiritual dangers involved and it can help draw your friend back into a healthy support system away from the hazards she herself is facing.

With regards to rebuking or comforting... probably both. Yes, she's probably horribly misrepresented the Christian faith, but God's people show their best side when they deal with rough times. This is an opportunity to show everyone involved how God has and can change us for the better - yes, it's a result of sin that should never have happened, but out of it comes the chance to showcase God's work at its best - patient, forgiving, humbling, changing for the best, and most of all, loving in way 1 Corinthians 4-7 says love is. Don't give up and don't let your friend give up! What happened shouldn't have, but that's the past and while that needs addressing, what you've got now is a ripe opportunity

I'll definitely be praying for everyone involved. This is one of those situations where prayer as well as action is needed and I feel like a hypocrite for advising you to help her as much as you can while I stay comfortably on another continent. I'm sorry I'm not helping more, but I've recently learnt (somewhat uncomfortably) in my own life than everything is only achieved as God permits and makes it be. Prayer is powerful (learnt that too, but in a much more pleasant way than the other one) and I'll sure be praying for this situation. Praise God that she didn't already end it and there's still time for change.

Piney.

[Mave]

Thank you all for the advice and prayers! I've shared this with my 'young adults ministry' pastor too. What made me glad is my friend is open to talking with my pastor so I've passed the phone numbers around. I just have to pray, wait and see. I'll post updates whenever a relevant one comes around.

[USSRGirl]

Glad to hear she's open to talking with your pastor. Maybe he can be a good mediator and help her out. Keep us posted!

[Anna Mae]

Well, I came to this thread a bit late, but more prayers never hurt, ja?

I can relate to your need to find a balance between charity and enabling. I am glad that some others are getting involved as well.

Has your friend tried to apologize to Angela and/or her family yet? I would encourage her to do so.

I will be praying.

[~darkelfgirl~]

I'll pray for you and your friend.

God provides. If your friend is just using you for money, it's between her and God. Encourage her and check up on her--that's the right thing to do.
Help her find a job if you can too.